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Original poster

Just moved in - last two mornings crying

290 replies

feelingfretful · 27/05/2015 09:12

I moved in with my DP four days ago. We are expecting our first baby in 9 weeks time. He has always been a twitchy sleeper so sleeping together was never great, however thought just have to get on with it with baby on the way.

Night before last we were both awake a lot in the night, tossing and turning, and seemed every time I dropped off he moved and I woke up again. He was moody the next morning and I started crying so he comforted me and all was okay. I explained I am really uncomfortable being 31 weeks pregnant and feel like the size of a house, and I can't help moving around. Last night we went to bed and I lay there awake as he dropped off and literally every 5 seconds (I counted) he shuffled/wriggled - he was asleep whilst doing this. After 10 minutes it was still going on so I let out a big huff. He woke up, got cross and moved to the other room despite me telling him not to.

This morning I came downstairs and again am greeted with a face like thunder. He then starts having a go at me for kicking him out his own bed (which I didn't) and says he is going to move into the spare room with his bed and I can have my bed in his room. He started going on 'you have been here 4 days and kicked me out my room and my bed... I can't sleep... I have to go to work... you can sleep in the day etc'. I told him to stop being nasty to me and he said I was the nasty one for making a noise at him for moving. He left for work with me sitting there with tears streaming down my face. Yes I know I am hormonal and pregnant but I just want to leave.

[Message from MNHQ: Please note this thread was started in 2015 but the OP has come back to update it all these years later - see her update of 25 June 2023]

OP posts:
bippityboppitypoo · 27/05/2015 21:53

Currently 27weeks pregnant and I have moved myself into the spare room, you're not alone.. Pregnancy is so uncomfortable not helped by lack of sympathy. Hope he realises sleepless nights are going to feature a lot in his near future x

Boomerwang · 27/05/2015 22:55

I should have read more before my last post.

Sounds to me like he needs a kick up the bum with regards to reality.

You don't sound like a pushover despite admitting he has 'previous' but you do sound like you're waiting for a trigger, only you're not sure what the trigger is or what to do when you get it.

Are you an avid reader of these forums? Can you stand outside of your environment for a second and appreciate what's going on? You see, when you first start to have problems with someone, you take advice with a pinch of salt just in case it's not as bad as all that.

Your last post told me he's not interested in making things up with you, just pointing out excuses for his behaviour so that you can correct them and make him what he thinks is going to be happy.

But it won't. When your baby comes he's in for a world of surprise and it sounds to me like he's going to list your baby amongst the things that class as a 'personality defect', otherwise your 'personality defects' are going to be coming between you both as you try to parent a newborn.

No need to 'LTB' yet, but get this carved in stone. Don't wait until the baby comes hoping for change, because newborn days are going to be hell on earth if you haven't both prepared emotionally together for it.

tipsytrifle · 27/05/2015 23:17

He's a nasty piece of work. He then told me he didn't want me here anymore says it all. Yet he wheedles it round to you keeping HIS room until YOU decide what to do. As in decide to move out and leave him to his (sic) well earned peace and quiet. This man is a no-go really. Get out as soon as you can is my advice and instinct. There's danger lurking ahead if you stay. This won't "work out" in any safe or civilised manner.

Heyho111 · 27/05/2015 23:22

Could you afford to buy a bed that comes in two halves that are zipped together. That way when one moves the other doesn't feel it. Or get two singles and push them together

twistletonsmythe · 27/05/2015 23:32

Hey - why oh why do you post when you haven't read the thread?

Op I hope you get the property sorted from your relative asap. Take care of yourself in the meantime.

BeakyMinder · 28/05/2015 00:12

Oh blimey my heart goes out to you OP. I too think you will enjoy those precious early weeks so much more without the company of Mr Man-Child. He sounds like an utter shit.

Maybe you could find a doula to help you at the birth or afterwards? They are lovely and some hospitals will even pay for them if you can't afford it but need the help.

Original poster
feelingfretful · 28/05/2015 04:45

Well unsurprisingly a pretty sleepless night of worrying. I so physically and emotionally do not feel up to moving again - wish he would just move out for a few months until I can face it, but that's not going to happen! I feel I am still reeling a bit with shock as to what has happened, firstly the launching into me for huffing, and secondly telling me he doens't want me here after 4 days because of it. And he thinks his behaviour is reasonable... rambling now.

OP posts:
paxtecum · 28/05/2015 05:04

Did he not help you clear your flat?

Anyway, have a rest for a few days, then hopefully you can move into your relative's property.
Are you financially able to live on your own.

dodecathlon · 28/05/2015 05:11

You are going to have a wonderful life with your forthcoming baby, and without this miserable, nasty, attritional character wearing you down both subtly and unsubtly every day. I can feel your strength through your words, things are going to get better from here on out.

googoodolly · 28/05/2015 05:21

You'll be so much better off if you move out, OP. I know it's a horrible idea at 31 weeks pregnant but imagine coming home from the hospital and not having to deal with this awful man - you can home to your own space, sleep in whatever position you want, come and go as you please and wake up in the morning without worrying what insult he'll throw at you next. I know the idea is tiring and horrible right now but it will be SO worth it when you're settled elsewhere and baby is born.

Best of luck Flowers

Vivacia · 28/05/2015 06:08

I think that it'd be worth ringing a few agencies (Shelter? Women's Aid?) to see if they can help you find somewhere. Are you sure you don't have the option of moving in to a spare room at your parents?

You don't need to take all of your belongings, just what you need for a couple of nights, and then a couple of weeks, and then a couple of months. And by that point you can get everything moved in to your new home.

SouthWestmom · 28/05/2015 07:00

Do you think the relationship only lasted because you fell pregnant? So he's suggested moving in at the last possible moment but it's just not right?
You need to salvage something from this because you are going to be parenting with him for the rest of your lives. Hope your relatives house is free and you can move in. Maybe you can split up and he can help get the house ready for you without the pressure of a relationship he doesn't want?

Original poster
feelingfretful · 28/05/2015 08:17

Sorry so many questions on here I don't think I've answered. Only moved in because of baby, otherwise I definitely would not have due to his unpredictable behaviour. It was left so late as he kept treating me like shit so I would change my mind about moving in. Having said that we have been together 3 years and I am deeply in love with him (unfortunately) and really we should have stayed split up the first, second or third time he dumped me.

He didn't help me clear my flat as was doing work on this place, but did help me move. I have quite a lot of heavy furniture so had removals in to do all that.

Had a response from relative saying property won't be ready for another month and they will talk to me when I get back. It's not a close relative so they don't know much about what has been going on over last few years with him.

So, this morning he brings me in a cup of tea at 7.30am, I was asleep but said thanks, and he left. This morning I have a growth scan, appt with specialist doctor and consultant appointment, he normally comes with me. Last time we were there a couple of hours and I just don't want to spend that time with him this morning. He came back in about 8am and asked if I would pick him up from work for scan, I said I would go on my own, he slammed door and left. Maybe I've made things worse but I just want to go to the appointments in peace and quiet and certainly not sit next to him with the anger seething through him. I am also going to try to see the perinatal mental health team whilst there, they are aware of ongoing relationship issues - last time I saw them I sat and cried for an hour as he had ended relationship. Need to let them know what is going on as was on meds for anxiety and depression pre pregnancy, and the way feeling right now will have to go back on once baby born

OP posts:
Vivacia · 28/05/2015 08:25

Oh sweetheart. Please listen to your instincts and move out. You say you love him, but your love for your baby needs to be stronger.

Tell the professionals that you need their help to leave.

tipsytrifle · 28/05/2015 08:31

he kept treating me like shit so I would change my mind about moving in

So this situation wasn't one he embraced from the start? He's a coward for not saying so. You keep referring to a "can't/might not/won't be able to cope" mindset that I think is doing you a disservice. Whether you stay or go you will have to cope, really. How does being in his place make it any more likely that he will actually be hands-on helpful?

What would help you to create a positive mind? I'm tempted to say moving out of a negative space would be a start but am not sure how likely this is to happen. Maybe you should tell your relative the truth about this awful situation? Because it really is AWFUL.

Nolim · 28/05/2015 08:37

I second talking to the professionals. And please start to reach out to family and friends. You do need support op. You deserve support.

notquitegrownup2 · 28/05/2015 08:39

Well done for emailing your relative - hopefully they can help you out with a long term solution to this. Well done for arranging to go to these appointments yourself today too - you need to look after yourself now, and don't need the additional stress. Maybe it will give him chance to think today.

It sounds as he has all sorts of issues- hopefully you can reassure him that you are looking for somewhere else so that you won't need to trouble him much longer, but that in the meantime, you hope that you and he can do something to help your baby have a good start in life. Maybe he can cope with the idea of looking after you if he knows it's just for a period of weeks . . . .

twistletonsmythe · 28/05/2015 09:21

The way he is treating you most certainly is not love - far from it.

I hope the scan goes well today.

Penguinandminipenguin · 28/05/2015 13:48

If he is treating you like this already (and even before the pregnancy) then things are only going to get a million times worse once the baby comes.

I'm 31 weeks pregnant too, and I have a dh who generally is amazing. However, even we recognise that although things are good between us now, that throwing a newborn baby into the mix is going to be very challenging and trying, and we are likely to snap at each other due to extreme tiredness and stress etc. So if we feel that way and our relationship is good, I can't imagine how a baby would impact on an already 'bad' relationship.

I completely understand though, that you really, reallly don't want the upheaval of moving again at 31 weeks pregnant - I wouldn't want that either! However, it would be easier to do it now, than with a newborn baby in tow.

Like pp have said, I would encourage you to talk to the professionals about how you're feeling, as they may be able to offer you some RL support. In the meantime, I hope you feel like you can carry on posting on here, and hopefully we can try and help you through the low moments.

I hope your appointments go well today.

Original poster
feelingfretful · 28/05/2015 17:04

Appointments all fine. Didn't manage to see perinatal mental health as was so long with other appointments just wanted to go back to bed. Going to phone her tomorrow.

Spoke to a couple of people in RL about it today who have said that HE should be moving out at least until 6 weeks after baby is born, by which time I can get myself stronger and ready to move again. Particularly as the effect of moving again will be no good for my health (plus in clinic today told the stress would affect my blood sugar readings negatively and could end up on meds) and therefore the baby's health. At the end of the day he wanted me to move in, I gave up what I had, if he doesn't now like it he can move (can tell I am feeling fiestier today!).

He came home short while ago... I am camping out in the bedroom, and he has just gone out again to the gym I guess. Such a horrible atmosphere and every car I hear pull up I am dreading that it is him :(

OP posts:
Vivacia · 28/05/2015 17:44

I can't see how you can reasonably expect him to move out.

He's not happy, you're not happy and I think you both know something needs to give. Do you feel as though you can ask him to help you move out?

Vivacia · 28/05/2015 17:45

What's your plan for finding somewhere else?

Zucker · 28/05/2015 17:49

Please don't use the excuse of loving him so much for staying. You can't bring a small baby into this situation, get looking for somewhere to go. There's no point in chatting to people who are going to suggest he should move out, is that actually in the real world going to happen? It's easy for them to say that from their own safe seats.

Yes you're tired, but you're going to be more tired next week and even more the week after. Don't let this drag on, for your own mental and physical health you need to leave.

Offred · 28/05/2015 18:13

Could you speak to perinatal mental health and explain the situation and ask to stay in hospital for longer than usual after the section?

CalleighDoodle · 28/05/2015 18:16

Unpredictable Behaviour from a nasty man is not good for a newborn. You really do need tomspeak to some people and hy moved out and settled before baby arrives.