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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just moved in - last two mornings crying

290 replies

feelingfretful · 27/05/2015 09:12

I moved in with my DP four days ago. We are expecting our first baby in 9 weeks time. He has always been a twitchy sleeper so sleeping together was never great, however thought just have to get on with it with baby on the way.

Night before last we were both awake a lot in the night, tossing and turning, and seemed every time I dropped off he moved and I woke up again. He was moody the next morning and I started crying so he comforted me and all was okay. I explained I am really uncomfortable being 31 weeks pregnant and feel like the size of a house, and I can't help moving around. Last night we went to bed and I lay there awake as he dropped off and literally every 5 seconds (I counted) he shuffled/wriggled - he was asleep whilst doing this. After 10 minutes it was still going on so I let out a big huff. He woke up, got cross and moved to the other room despite me telling him not to.

This morning I came downstairs and again am greeted with a face like thunder. He then starts having a go at me for kicking him out his own bed (which I didn't) and says he is going to move into the spare room with his bed and I can have my bed in his room. He started going on 'you have been here 4 days and kicked me out my room and my bed... I can't sleep... I have to go to work... you can sleep in the day etc'. I told him to stop being nasty to me and he said I was the nasty one for making a noise at him for moving. He left for work with me sitting there with tears streaming down my face. Yes I know I am hormonal and pregnant but I just want to leave.

[Message from MNHQ: Please note this thread was started in 2015 but the OP has come back to update it all these years later - see her update of 25 June 2023]

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 27/05/2015 15:18

Agree with the others this relationship sounds miserable and this isn't about bickering over sleep. OP, I'd speak to your relative about that property if I were you. It doesn't have to be the end of the relationship - who knows, he might not fucking likely but still realise his twattishness and shape up - but if he's being a dick when you are this pregnant he's going to keep on being a dick. Don't share your home with a dick. You and your baby deserve better.

Hissy · 27/05/2015 15:18

OP - take the empty property - no matter what you have to do, the family member can prioritise a pg relative who is in dire need.

at least they would if they weren't MY family... (((HUG)))

Original poster
feelingfretful · 27/05/2015 15:21

Just a big emotional thank you to all that have posted. I cannot talk to anyone in RL right now about this and it has helped me massively.

OP posts:
rumbleinthrjungle · 27/05/2015 15:28

Sod the ins and outs of it OP. You're saying clearly here you're not happy and you want to go. That's enough. Do what your instincts are telling you.

I agree completely you're going to find it easier to manage your baby alone than try and manage this kind of stress at the same time, and if he's so keen to help he can do it by visiting you in your home without the two of you living together. You gave it a try, you sound pretty sure you're not happy with it, get that rental. Move back out. Yes it's a pain, yes, I can understand you feel embarrassed but where is the sense in staying in a bad situation and being miserable? Anyone who loves you will want you to do what's right for you.

Whiteshirt · 27/05/2015 15:30

Feeling, my heart goes out to you at the idea that an exhausted, heavily pregnant woman feels she has to go out so as to avoid more bad behaviour from a man she has just moved in with. Please call the relative with the empty house/flat, and see if you can have it - I'm sure friends and family will help you move, and when your head is clearer you can figure out how to arrange for help when the baby comes. Am I right in thinking that your boyfriend didn't even help significantly with your move?

And don't sideline your own very valid feelings as the result of being 'hormonal and pregnant' - you and this baby deserve better.

googoodolly · 27/05/2015 15:34

Oh OP your latest post makes me so sad for you Sad - he's not just ignoring you - he's stonewalling you and that's emotional abuse. It's awful behaviour and you don't deserve being treated like that at all.

Please, please leave this man. Ring your family member tonight and ask if they've found a tenant yet, and if not, whether you could move in there. I'm sure someone could help you drive your things over to the new property whilst your DP is at work. It's not a failure to move out - he sounds awful and this is no environment for raising a baby.

You CAN manage on your own, even after an ELCS. I'm sure your family would help, or a friend if you were struggling, but I really think you need to leave your DP before the baby gets here, or it's only going to get harder and you'll have another reason not to leave (the newborn).

Flowers
Vivacia · 27/05/2015 15:34

Ring your relative now, just to see if that property is still an option. Same with your old landlord.

I'm sure people would help you move if you asked for it.

Vivacia · 27/05/2015 15:34

Oh, and agree - he's not ignoring you, he's punishing you. Get you back in line.

jesy · 27/05/2015 15:53

Go huni , this is crap behaviour your due to have a baby soon he is being an arse
What will he be like when your baby arrives , it won't be easy so this is not right

Tryharder · 27/05/2015 16:02

If the OP's DP is an abusive arse, then she may want to leave him. But that wasn't mentioned in the OP - just a spat over sleep.

So not being a mind reader, I saw no reason for the usual chorus of LTB.

Whiteshirt · 27/05/2015 16:15

Which is why it's important to read the whole thread for the OP's clarifications, Tryharder. As for the 'usual chorus of LTB', the single grimmest revelation of being on Mn for me has been the number of intelligent, literate women with access to technology who are involved in abusive relationships they don't realise are abusive. Bastards aren't left anywhere near often enough, IMO. Best wishes to the OP and her baby, whatever she decides,

IonaNE · 27/05/2015 16:30

OP, call the relative about the empty flat and get out from this abusive man's house. For your baby, if not for yourself. Friends and family will help pack and you will feel much better. And purchase that airbed.

rumbleinthrjungle · 27/05/2015 16:42

There's a difference between 'LTB' and 'its absolutely ok to re think living with someone when you're unhappy'.

rumbleinthrjungle · 27/05/2015 16:43

I don't think the OP's had any dismissive 'LTB' responses.

Mom2K · 27/05/2015 17:05

OP your post about him ignoring you for days or weeks over a perceived wrong makes me feel really sad for you. I can empathise completely because my ex treated me like that constantly both in and out of the home. It's no way to live. Please do google stonewalling as a pp suggested - this is what he is doing to you an it is never going to stop.

Also - you are pregnant, uncomfortable, hormonal. It doesn't matter that you huffed in bed, which in turn awoke your partner. Yes that may have been a little annoying for him but he should have been more understanding of your condition - and certainly should not have had a go at you in the morning! I think the sleeping in separate rooms thing is ok if it means either of you can have a better sleep...but as someone mentioned, it could have been arranged in a caring manner - not the spiteful way in which he did it.

When the baby is actually here, he'll be operating on far less sleep (separate rooms or not!) and if he can't even handle this small disruption only a few days after you moving in, he will be a nightmare when the baby arrives.

This man will not be any help to you OP - he'll upset you and leave you to do everything on your own. I know it seems daunting - but it really would be in your best interest, and that of your child to ask your family member if you can move into the vacant place they have. Do it now before the baby comes [Flowers]

Hissy · 27/05/2015 17:26

tryharder You don't have to be a mind reader, but reading the actual thread is useful...

here you go:

"Yes he has form for treating me like shit...."

"He has been emotionally abusive (to an extent) in the past but in the more quiet and clever way than verbal attacks"

"He was so nasty and cold"

"He likes to ignore me when i have 'done wrong'... usually goes on for days or weeks but bit difficult for him to do that if under the same roof!

"I just cannot face seeing him walk in with his nasty face on. "

But yes, you are right... OP can leave if she is unhappy, he doesn't have to be abusive for her to leave him.

But he is, and she should. TODAY

OP - I worry, you are having a C-section - you won't get any help from him, and he will make your life a misery I think. You think it's miserable now? it's likely to be a picnic in comparison.

Go back to your flat and spend the next week organising somewhere more permanent. Do not ever go back to his man. please.

TallulahFallula · 27/05/2015 17:33

So he is Not A Nice Man.

He's only going to get worse.

Having a baby around can make even the nicest people irritable and difficult to live with.

This man is unpleasant to start with.

Ltb.

twistletonsmythe · 27/05/2015 17:36

Can I also say - those first weeks and months with a newborn are so incredibly precious. You are tired and sore. You need to take it very easy (even more so after a section) and you need peace and comfort in which to bond, sleep and just nurture the pair of you. Believe me, those early days with an abusive man are complete and utter hell. I have been there, and I would do anything if I could go back and do it alone. You won't get that time again, and I will never forgive myself for letting my ex ruin that time.

Please don't let this excuse of a man destroy what is the most important and lovely time of your life. You and your newborn deserve so much more than him.

KikiShack · 27/05/2015 17:40

I just wanted to add in reply to Qwerty's comment
She can't expect him to treat her like a princess and her behave like a moody child that actually when someone is 31 weeks pregnant I think they can expect a certain amount of double standards in their favour regarding treatment.
My DP was very happy to treat me like a princess and didn't complain when I was a moody bint in return. He'd have been justifiably annoyed if I was like this all the time but occasionally was fine.
All this is an aside to the fact that OP's P seems to be an abusive shit who is just gearing up to show what he's really like.
OP - good luck and I urge you to follow advice from experienced posters telling you to get out now.

magoria · 27/05/2015 17:50

The only way to find out about your family member having a tenant is to drop them a quick call today.

BessieBumptious · 27/05/2015 19:06

I initially read this as just a spat about sleeping and thought OP was being a bit hormonal. Having read further and going on ONLY what OP has said, I think I'll echo the other posters who have said 'ring your family with the house to rent out'.

OP - even if you decide not to take your relatives house, at least just call to find out if it's an option. You might find that by tomorrow, you have made the decision to take it.

It doesn't have to mean the end with you and your partner, but if he really is as horrible as you've said (and only you know this) then I'm sorry to say that it's likely that everyone else is right, and he'll just get worse, not better.

So... call your family-with-the-house, buy that blow up bed and if that's all you have, you can guarantee that your friends and family will rally round and help. You said that you were exhausted by moving into your partner's house - where was he? Why were you getting exhausted? If he didn't help you then, he won't help when the baby arrives.

Original poster
feelingfretful · 27/05/2015 21:28

Well when I finally got back he said he wanted to talk, blamed me for everything, said I am intolerant etc etc. I said no matter what, launching into me this morning was absolutely not okay 'well sorry then' was his response. He then listed all my many personality defects and it started to get heated. He then told me he didn't want me here anymore. That was really, truly painful. Anyway, an hour later he has said I can stay in this bedroom and he will move to the other bedroom and I can have a think about what I want to do. All I can say is I am happy to be in this bedroom on my own, with the door shut and my laptop and my tv!!

My place is let out and all paperwork done. Relative is away for another week but have emailed.

OP posts:
Nolim · 27/05/2015 21:37

Glad to know you can have some relative peace op. At least you can have some sleep.
What do you want to do.

NettleTea · 27/05/2015 21:50

hopefully the bedroom alone will see you through for the week until your relative gets back

Atenco · 27/05/2015 21:51

Get moving OP. Much better to leave as soon as possible. As as someone else You might see relief in your friends and family's eyes rather than 'I told you so'

You will enjoy your baby much more without the kind of atmosphere he can create.