Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just moved in - last two mornings crying

290 replies

feelingfretful · 27/05/2015 09:12

I moved in with my DP four days ago. We are expecting our first baby in 9 weeks time. He has always been a twitchy sleeper so sleeping together was never great, however thought just have to get on with it with baby on the way.

Night before last we were both awake a lot in the night, tossing and turning, and seemed every time I dropped off he moved and I woke up again. He was moody the next morning and I started crying so he comforted me and all was okay. I explained I am really uncomfortable being 31 weeks pregnant and feel like the size of a house, and I can't help moving around. Last night we went to bed and I lay there awake as he dropped off and literally every 5 seconds (I counted) he shuffled/wriggled - he was asleep whilst doing this. After 10 minutes it was still going on so I let out a big huff. He woke up, got cross and moved to the other room despite me telling him not to.

This morning I came downstairs and again am greeted with a face like thunder. He then starts having a go at me for kicking him out his own bed (which I didn't) and says he is going to move into the spare room with his bed and I can have my bed in his room. He started going on 'you have been here 4 days and kicked me out my room and my bed... I can't sleep... I have to go to work... you can sleep in the day etc'. I told him to stop being nasty to me and he said I was the nasty one for making a noise at him for moving. He left for work with me sitting there with tears streaming down my face. Yes I know I am hormonal and pregnant but I just want to leave.

[Message from MNHQ: Please note this thread was started in 2015 but the OP has come back to update it all these years later - see her update of 25 June 2023]

OP posts:
twistletonsmythe · 27/05/2015 09:44

sorry - crossposted. This man will be no good after a c section - can't you go to family? Please protect yourself and your child from him.

NerrSnerr · 27/05/2015 09:44

I would move out. Things are only going to get more stressful with a baby and you need to be in a stable environment.

NettleTea · 27/05/2015 09:45

you will find it much easier coping with a newborn alone than coping with a baby and an abusive twat

Luckystar82 · 27/05/2015 09:46

Sit down and chat about it when you are not tired and emotional.

75% of first time parents regularly sleep separately in the first year, so what you are experiencing is totally normal! I am heavily pregnant and struggling with DH's snoring. He grumps at me for waking him up!

Original poster
feelingfretful · 27/05/2015 09:47

He's not on steriods or anything, that is for sure, he just does that protein powder stuff. He has been emotionally abusive (to an extent) in the past but in the more quiet and clever way than verbal attacks

Friends and family wouldn't say 'told you so'... but I would see it in their eyes... cause I know they are right so its me not them. Yes they would support but only family here is elderly parents and friends are either full time work or mums with young babies. I am embarrassed to be honest to have made such a mess of it.

I am wondering if he might realise he was a complete c* this morning and make peace during the day. Who knows

OP posts:
BrianButterfield · 27/05/2015 09:47

If you were my sister or daughter I'd rather you were with me with a newborn rather than someone I disliked and mistrusted. I might think "I told you so" but when it comes down to it someone needs to help you with the baby.

BettyCatKitten · 27/05/2015 09:49

The best place for you will be with family, not him. He sounds very unempathic to your needs, an absolute must after giving birth.
If he treats you like shit, you need to leave NOW, it doesn't matter if people say I told you so. You need to do what's right for you and your baby.

BettyCatKitten · 27/05/2015 09:50

Sorry x posts!

SkodaLabia · 27/05/2015 09:52

What was the sleeping situation like before you were pregnant? I know you said he's always been twitchy, but has there always been a bad atmosphere in the morning?

When I was pregnant I remember sobbing because DP wanted to sleep in the spare room and I was sure it was The Beginning Of The End, so you have my sympathies there.

I agree with lots of other posters, though, if he can't pull himself together to be nice now, he'll be a nightmare when he's properly sleep deprived and you need a lot more help.

DowntownFunk · 27/05/2015 09:52

I don't need comments re why are you having a baby with him then

I don't think anyone has said that, unless I've missed it.

You need to do what YOU want for you and your baby. This time of your life can be stressful enough without a big baby of a bloke spitting out the dummy about not getting his 8 hours or whatever.

If he's not a total prick, as has been suggested, and you do genuinely want to stay with him, what about a super kingsize bed?

Anniegetyourgun · 27/05/2015 09:53

Uh-oh... your updates aren't looking good. Lots of couples have trouble with the sleeping thing pre- and post-natally but this sounds like something more.

Look, if a talk when you're both awake and able to be sensible doesn't do the trick, it may be best to see whether family or friends can take you for a few weeks. There are worse things to suffer in life than "I told you so", annoying though that is! Don't let misplaced pride spoil your life. Other people may be delighted to help with the baby and would almost certainly be more gracious with it.

twistletonsmythe · 27/05/2015 09:54

abusers don't change - and he may be sorry, but only until the next time.

please get yourself away from him. This is nothing to do with lack of sleep and everything to do with what type of man he is. Why is your self esteem so low that you think this is all you deserve?

Whiteshirt · 27/05/2015 09:55

x-post with yours, OP. This is really concerning, especially if you felt 'trapped' into moving in with him purely because of CS recovery help. As you know yourself, that really isn't a good enough reason to start a live-in relationship with anyone, especially a man who doesn't ever treat you well, even when you're not recovering from surgery with the inevitable stresses and sleeplessness a newborn brings.

Is there no friend or family member who could help fir a few days? I had an ELCS, and a very straightforward recovery. After about three or four days, I could have managed anything bar stepping over the side of the bath for a shower.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 27/05/2015 09:56

I slept in the spare bedroom or on the couch during the later stages of pregnancy. (I found the straight back of the couch was more comfortable at the end).

It's so hard to adjust to living with someone, and it's difficult being hormonal and it's uncomfortable trying to sleep when you're heavily pregnant. However, saying that, you're both going to have to get used to lack of sleep so you're both going to have to work out a better way of dealing with it than arguments.

Being pregnant is a very vulnerable time and your DP should be supporting you, making your life easier and better. If he isn't, then don't be afraid to move back out so you can peacefully prepare for your baby coming.

meglet · 27/05/2015 09:56

move out now. If he can't handle pregnancy I doubt he will cope with you recommend recovering from a c-section and a new baby.

I'm sure your friends and family wil rally round you after the op. Please don't let this man ruin birth and time with your baby.

Nolim · 27/05/2015 09:56

He has been emotionally abusive (to an extent) in the past but in the more quiet and clever way than verbal attacks

Omg op.

Sleeping in separate beds during pregnancy or when there is a baby is compleatly acceptable. Abuse is not. And once the baby arrives things get more complicated. Please consider your situation carefully.

Whiteshirt · 27/05/2015 09:57

Could you even hire some help in rented accommodation? I hate to think of you only staying in an unhealthy and verbally abusive relationship simply because you're worried about being able to manage after your baby comes.

Whiteshirt · 27/05/2015 09:58

And the early weeks with a newborn put a pressure on even the most loving and strong relationships. We had been together very happily for 20 years when we had our son, and the exhaustion still put a strain on us.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 27/05/2015 10:07

You might see relief in your friends and family's eyes rather than 'I told you so'.

I don't say this lightly but I would move back out. As a PP said, a man who has already made you cry two days in a row because of lack of sleep is not going to be any help with a newborn. You'll both be getting even less sleep then. Plus your first days with your baby are so precious, you don't want to let this abusive man spoil them for you because it seems likely that he will. You'll feel torn in three trying to meet the needs of your baby, trying to placate your EA DP and trying to meet your own needs so you can function.

Babies are wonderful but they add pressure even in good relationships. Let yourself and your baby start life in a peaceful house and your 'D'P can show you how much he has changed, by respecting your wishes.

Original poster
feelingfretful · 27/05/2015 10:15

Going to get out of the house for a bit now and clear my head. I don't have family/friends I could move in with so it would be needing to find a rental and having just moved don't know if I could cope physically and emotionally with it.

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 27/05/2015 10:20

If he is this nippy about one missed nights sleep he will be no help whatsoever with a newborn and actually make life harder. I too would move out.

DayLillie · 27/05/2015 10:31

I would enquire about extending my lease - I know they have new tenants, but all might not be lost there if you move fast.

It would be better if he moved in with you for a few days if you need help with recovery. Do not underestimate elderly parents either.

As others have said, there will be plenty of sleepless nights to come. My DS did not sleep through until 4, and was still waking at 4am then. It put a huge strain on us.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 27/05/2015 10:32

Don't stay through fear whether that be fear of how much trouble it would be to move or fear of your DP's response if you say you're moving.

On a practical level, if you decide to move out, ask your family and friends for help. You don't need to do everything alone. If you're independent, it can be hard asking for help but the people who care about you will want you to be safe and happy. Lifting boxes, packing, etc, are all stuff that your friends and family can do. If you only moved in 2 days ago, then I'd guess there will be stuff you haven't unpacked yet anyway.

Emotionally, talk to people in RL or go to see a counsellor. There's a reason why you've ended up back in a relationship with an EA man and a counsellor can help you to tease that out. Even if you decide not to move out, I think a counsellor would be a good idea anyway. They can help you to work on your boundaries, decide what you want to do (not what your DP wants you to do) and provide a valve for any stress.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 27/05/2015 10:35

The baby is a fact now so anyone asking why you are having a baby would be a twat. However it's very valid to ask why you moved in with him against your better judgement and your previous experience. Living with him will be worse than living alone.

googoodolly · 27/05/2015 10:43

Moving in with someone just because a baby is on the way is a recipe for a disaster. It seems to me that he never treated you well but you (wrongly, I'm afraid) think it's better to live with him than raise your baby alone. You're 31 weeks pregnant and he's angry with you because you can't get comfortable in bed, and because he's tired? How the hell is he going to cope with a newborn and going to work on barely any sleep for a few months?

I have a feeling that you will be doing all the night wakings in one room with baby, and he will go to another room with earplugs, sleep (or pretend to) and leave you to do all the work. He sounds awful and I really think it's best for you to cut your losses now (and risk a bit of embarrassment) than get stuck living with someone who sounds nasty at best and abusive at worst, with the added difficulty of raising a newborn.

Your future and your baby's future are far more important than some brief embarrassment from your family for a few weeks.

Swipe left for the next trending thread