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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just moved in - last two mornings crying

290 replies

feelingfretful · 27/05/2015 09:12

I moved in with my DP four days ago. We are expecting our first baby in 9 weeks time. He has always been a twitchy sleeper so sleeping together was never great, however thought just have to get on with it with baby on the way.

Night before last we were both awake a lot in the night, tossing and turning, and seemed every time I dropped off he moved and I woke up again. He was moody the next morning and I started crying so he comforted me and all was okay. I explained I am really uncomfortable being 31 weeks pregnant and feel like the size of a house, and I can't help moving around. Last night we went to bed and I lay there awake as he dropped off and literally every 5 seconds (I counted) he shuffled/wriggled - he was asleep whilst doing this. After 10 minutes it was still going on so I let out a big huff. He woke up, got cross and moved to the other room despite me telling him not to.

This morning I came downstairs and again am greeted with a face like thunder. He then starts having a go at me for kicking him out his own bed (which I didn't) and says he is going to move into the spare room with his bed and I can have my bed in his room. He started going on 'you have been here 4 days and kicked me out my room and my bed... I can't sleep... I have to go to work... you can sleep in the day etc'. I told him to stop being nasty to me and he said I was the nasty one for making a noise at him for moving. He left for work with me sitting there with tears streaming down my face. Yes I know I am hormonal and pregnant but I just want to leave.

[Message from MNHQ: Please note this thread was started in 2015 but the OP has come back to update it all these years later - see her update of 25 June 2023]

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 28/05/2015 18:38

He won't move out. You are hiding away from him having only just moved in. It won't get any better.

StaceyAndTracey · 28/05/2015 18:48

I understand that you really love him . But you are about to have a baby and everything changes - the most important thing in your life isn't your feelings any more , it's you baby's welfare .

If this man doesn't treat you well, why do you think he will treat your baby properly?

ppolly · 28/05/2015 18:52

Sending you hugs. Don't be afraid of all the 'what ifs' Take all the courage and help you can find and go. Go even if you are terrified. Trust your instincts.

twistletonsmythe · 28/05/2015 18:56

I don't think he should move out. I think you should go. If he moves out he will just come back when he fancies it. You need a clean break from him.

Atenco · 28/05/2015 19:40

I must admit that the idea of him moving out is very unrealistic and much too altruistic and considerate to expect of a person such as you have described.
You said you still have the rent paid on your old flat, could you talk to the landlord and get friends to help you pack. I'm on the other side of the world, otherwise I would go round and help you.

tribpot · 28/05/2015 19:48

Of course he should move out - but he won't. And I agree with twistleton, he will just use it as a stick to beat you and will come back when he pleases.

You need to get your own place. Don't worry about masses of stuff, take what you can and get friends to help.

You are wasting time speculating on what he should or shouldn't do instead of focusing on taking action yourself. Can you make contact with the mental health team via the midwife?

tipsytrifle · 28/05/2015 19:52

Thing is, you moved into his very recently, despite his many warning signs that maybe this was not ok. Is this a rented property or mortgaged?

I think you should be the one to move, given that he has been there longer than you by a mile and he did behave even worse to try and stop you moving in. I'm sorry but I think you have been on a set path to destruction and this really isn't a fair situation on anyone.

Whether or not this is a negotiated move before/after the birth or whenever, well - that's up to you. Unless he's going to embrace the whole family thing then it's a waste of precious time and energy.

IonaNE · 28/05/2015 20:51

OP, in 4 days he made you cry on 2, you're camping in a spare room and he said he did not want you there. Please go. At 31 wks you must be tired and uncomfortable but in the next month and a half this will just increase, and you can't spend all that time with this man, who is abusive and has made it clear, has said that he does not want you there. Please call on friends and family to help you pack and move. Pls. ring Women's Aid and Shelter, they may be able to help you with accommodation, until the relative returns and you can move into that property.

OhEmGeee · 28/05/2015 21:23

This is no way to live, you or your baby. Your baby deserves much more than to grow up in an abusive household. You deserve to be happy. Forget your pride, I'm sure your friends and family would rather you were ok and safe and not with him than saying 'I told you so'. You need support.

Atenco · 29/05/2015 01:54

And really, any friend or family worth their salt will just be so proud of you for realising your mistake and stepping back from the brink.

Original poster
feelingfretful · 29/05/2015 15:00

Well I tried to appeal to his better nature to let me stay until 6 weeks after c-section and he told me to basically go fuck myself. He has said that if I don't go he will instruct a solicitor and get rid of me that way.

So it was worth a try (well probably not) but here's to packing up boxes again Sad

OP posts:
DayLillie · 29/05/2015 15:07
Sad

Please look after yourself. He is awful.

Nolim · 29/05/2015 15:07

What an arse. You will definitelly be better without him. Do you have someone to stay wigh?

Original poster
feelingfretful · 29/05/2015 15:14

On the plus side he said he will pay my removals.... although seeing as I have no income and he earns over 50k a year. Oh and he wants DNA test. Wanker. If only it was someone else's.

I am determined to try and stay positive and this time I will appreciate so much more my own home and space. Just hope he is out a lot this weekend. I will try to be but am seriously overtired.

OP posts:
BettyCatKitten · 29/05/2015 15:16

Have you somewhere to go?
I'm with Nolim, you're better off without him Flowers

SkodaLabia · 29/05/2015 15:22

Are you going to be able to go back into your relative's place when the work is done, or are you starting afresh?

There are other posters much more knowledgeable than me on this subject, but might you want to consider whether you want to put him on the birth certificate?

MrsCaptainReynolds · 29/05/2015 15:43

Poor you.

Only moved in because of baby, otherwise I definitely would not have due to his unpredictable behaviour. Alas, unpredictable behaviour is a great reason to keep you and baby far far away from this man.

The first few months with a new baby will put a strain on the most equal and mutually respectful relationship. A relationship like the one you describe would have me running to the hills with my precious newborn.

I really hope you find somewhere nice to nest in preparation and to hide away with home comforts once the baby is born.

I actually think his disinterest and request for DNA is the best thing that could happen here. Hopefully he'll stay the hell away and let you get on with caring for your baby unencumbered. Lots of people will say the baby needs its father in its life and make you worry about access. You really don't need to concern yourself with that in the first 6 months when the baby's needs are very simple and revolve around you. Leave it to him to seek access at a later date.

tribpot · 29/05/2015 15:57

Well isn't he just a charmless fucker.

Get yourself moved before he can go back on the agreement to pay (make sure it's booked on his credit card, no agreement that he will pay after the fact or anything).

Then ignore him until after the baby has arrived. Could you afford to go and stay in a Premier Inn this weekend? If you can find out on a nearby motorway it may not be very expensive at all, and they are lovely and quiet.

Atenco · 29/05/2015 17:23

And you do know you don't have to put him on the birth cert if you don't want to.

DustBunnyFarmer · 29/05/2015 17:27

Would you be eligible for emergency housing, if only a B&B until your relative returns?

BettyCatKitten · 29/05/2015 17:31

Op as you're over 25 weeks you will be eligible for emergency accommodation.

DustBunnyFarmer · 29/05/2015 17:53

Thanks Betty. I don't know the ins & outs of housing provision but thought OP might be treated as warranting support because of her pregnancy and financial situation.

Also, sorry you are going through this OP.

Original poster
feelingfretful · 29/05/2015 22:40

I have decided against relatives place as it is in a really shitty area, however, I have found a solution through a friend - family member has place I can take on.

Bizzarely, I am sat in 'my' room and he just came in and said he does not want to hurt me and baby or cause us damage, that despite what I think he is not a bad person, he wants me to give him another chance and wants me to stay either way..... even with his unpredictable behaviour I didn't see that one coming.

OP posts:
Offred · 29/05/2015 22:44

Don't stay. More unpredictable behaviour to catch you off guard and still he is going on about himself. He is basically saying he doesn't want you to think badly about him even though he is hurting you and the baby.

Offred · 29/05/2015 22:44

Backhanded apology.

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