Just moved in - last two mornings crying

[feelingfretful]

I moved in with my DP four days ago. We are expecting our first baby in 9 weeks time. He has always been a twitchy sleeper so sleeping together was never great, however thought just have to get on with it with baby on the way.

Night before last we were both awake a lot in the night, tossing and turning, and seemed every time I dropped off he moved and I woke up again. He was moody the next morning and I started crying so he comforted me and all was okay. I explained I am really uncomfortable being 31 weeks pregnant and feel like the size of a house, and I can't help moving around. Last night we went to bed and I lay there awake as he dropped off and literally every 5 seconds (I counted) he shuffled/wriggled - he was asleep whilst doing this. After 10 minutes it was still going on so I let out a big huff. He woke up, got cross and moved to the other room despite me telling him not to.

This morning I came downstairs and again am greeted with a face like thunder. He then starts having a go at me for kicking him out his own bed (which I didn't) and says he is going to move into the spare room with his bed and I can have my bed in his room. He started going on 'you have been here 4 days and kicked me out my room and my bed... I can't sleep... I have to go to work... you can sleep in the day etc'. I told him to stop being nasty to me and he said I was the nasty one for making a noise at him for moving. He left for work with me sitting there with tears streaming down my face. Yes I know I am hormonal and pregnant but I just want to leave.

[Message from MNHQ: Please note this thread was started in 2015 but the OP has come back to update it all these years later - see her update of 25 June 2023]

Exactly Offred, abusers rarely want to actually do the hard work of childcare. Unfortunately that will not step them threatening legal action for custody, starting proceedings for custody, or threatening to abduct children on contact.

It's a way of exercising power and control. It doesn't matter that they don't want the actual outcome.

Poor OP, this must be very hard to face up to.

Thankyou for clarifying. It was a genuine question on my part as I have been in a similar situation and my counsellor made me think about whether he was an addiction.

I appreciate your reply, Hissy. It was good for me to read that.

Wishing you strength & health in the remaining weeks of your pregnancy, OP

Well I have moved and got my own place now. Just feel so utterly alone now and miss him so much :( :( :(

Well done on the move.

Have you let your midwife know yet? I am sure you can stay longer on the ward after the birth if you have no support. I know a lady who was there at the same time I had DS stayed longer than me for that reason.

Oh thank god op. I hope he stays away and hope you are ok. He's utterly vile.

Well done, OP! So proud of you

You miss his good side but remember how utterly vile he can be. This is a man who convinced you to move in and then wanted to kick you out while heavily pregnant with his baby. A man who pushes and pushes and is only nice to you after he makes you have a complete breakdown. A man who dumped you several times. Don't call him or go back to him!
Concentrate on taking care of yourself and your baby. Your baby is the most important person in the world and you need to keep her away from this vile vile man.
Sending you loads of hugs

Good post viva - will read it again when feeling low. It's hard knowing he is probably just doing his own free thing and I feel, well, totally trapped really :(

Feeling well done, I'm so proud of you
You have saved yourself so much heartache and misery. It's not going to be easy, but you are now in control of what happens
I can't tell you how much I regret the first few years of ds1's life with my abusive ex here. Spoilt our bonding time completely and I'm not sure if we will ever get that back

Honestly love, you've done the best thing! It will get easier, you'll see!

Keep talking to us, tell your midwife, friends etc. this sadness will pass.

Well done OP! When you end up with a really good man down the line you'll look back at your ex and realise just what a prize twat he was.

You might not think it but you aren't missing him. You are missing the little aspects of couply intimacy - I know that when I finally split from by EA boyfriend. But as time goes on you'll realise you don't miss him and you are setting the best example for your child.

Its easy to feel 'trapped' when you're heavily pregnant and know that the next few months will be a big adjustment and that your life is going to change and at times it will be hard. But this is a passing phase - honestly! Having a newborn is incredibly tiring, but its only for a few months and as you recover from your c-section you'll be able to get out and about for walks, join mum and baby groups, and find a new normal. It will be okay - just be sure to ask for help when you need it. Please tell you MW about your changed circumstances now and make sure that you're getting the MH support you need.

You've done the best possible thing to get away from this emotionally abusive man. You and your baby are going to much better off without him messing with your head and threatening to throw you out. I know its been hard moving house when you're pregnant, but believe me its far easier to move when its just you than when you have a newborn and have been up half the night feeding and soothing. Now you have your own space which he can't invade, so spend some time making it nice and homely. You're tired now from all this emotional fall-out, but at least you only have to look after you right now - so try to enjoy that and rest while you can.

That is good news. You should be able to sleep in peace and not feel like a burden. The last phase of pregnancy is not a time to be under pressure. The bit about him only softening when he's driven you to weepiness was just sickening.

It's not going to be easy on your own, of course. Sometimes when you're (not definitely but quite probably!) sobbing with tiredness after a disturbed night with the baby you'll wish your partner was there to give you a break and perhaps cuddle you and tell you everything is ok. The sad thing is, though, that there is no way he'd be the partner who does that kind of thing. More likely he'd add to your burden by grumbling about his disturbed night, telling you you were breastfeeding or sterilising the bottles all wrong, and complaining that you are giving too much attention to that baby instead of doing chores. What you'll miss is the support that you ought to be getting, not the unhelpful attitude you would be getting.

This is meant in the nicest way possible but why trapped? Your pregnant not disabled and you need to pull yourself up by the boot straps and organise yourself for birth. I have had three sections and a lot of it is your mindset. Yes you do need to take it easy but you aren't 'laid up'.
I think your experiences with him have been awful but now make this work for you. Do not play the victim role.

"To be honest I am kind of scared to leave - not of him, scared cause I like the bedroom I have here - it is spacious and I can relax well. I'm scared of having last few weeks of pregnancy alone, I'm scared of going in for c-section alone, I'm scared of coming back out of hospital and coping with newborn and c-section recovery alone. Yes, I know I can get limited support from family and friends but the long hours of the night I will be alone. The place I can go to is up a mass of steps so once I am up there I will be stuck for a few weeks in a relatively small space instead of this big house, and I will be unable to drive for 6 weeks. "

Posting as someone who had the last weeks of pregnancy alone and was in hospital alone for a c-section and recovery alone (well, not alone, looking after an older child as well), I can say that it can be done. Take your time, be patient with yourself, online shopping and food delivery (let them bring the shop up the stairs). You definitely won't be laid up. You can drive before the 6 weeks are up. I was driving after 2.5 weeks. I double, triple checked it with the doctor and insurance company. It all depends on how you feel. If you can slam your foot on the brake, then you can drive. The secret is to pull the driver's seat further forward and angle the back of the seat further up. That will leave you in a more comfortable driving position.

As far as the long nights go, well, they can be long when you have someone there for all that matters. Can you contact your local Home Start? They may have someone who would be able to help with babysitting or doing the shopping etc.

Well done for getting out before the baby arrives, OP. From your ex's previous behaviour, it sounds like you've just swerved a whole lot of heartache.

Congratulations, OP, I am so glad. It will take you a while to adjust but you have definitely done the right thing. I see some of the other posters have mentioned the problems of having a newborn, but no two babies are alike. I just remember the wonderful feeling of love and didn't find waking during the night a major problem. I also remember that whereas I did wonder about getting back with my ex while I was pregnant, it never even crossed my mind after she was born.

I remember one day when she was ten days old and her father was visiting. I asked him to help me fold her clothes and he refused because that was women's work. I loved washing and folding her clothes (and I am not normally that kind of person) and everything else I did for her, but if I'd stayed with him, he would have made it all seem like a chore.

You may also find you are up and about quicker than you think after your CS. I had 2 and my recovery after the elective was much quicker than the first (emergency) one.

Well seems so long ago I created this thread. So, so, so lonely without him :( :( :(

You are lonely because you are alone. You are NOT lonely because you are without him. There are millions of lovely people in the world. It isn't a choice between this one abusive twat and no one.

Are you seeing friends? Going out? Having people round to yours? Have you joined an NCT group?

Just wanted to de-lurk and say you are so brave and so brilliant :)

Yeah I guess that's right Ketchup, and cause its saturday and i think whats he up to and he can just carry on with life whilst i melt in my massiveness. I see friends in the week (well only have a couple that are not working), just been to see family, just harder on the weekend. Saturday night blues. I did join NCT but decided not to go as all the pre-session info they sent was about you and your partner and what you would be doing and I just knew I wasn't up to seeing a load of happy couples.

There's lots to do round here once bubba arrives in a few weeks time.

Thanks under. I do know without doubt I made right decision to go and when I think back to my time there it is only horrible memories, very glad to be away, but you can't just fall out of love with someone.... well I am working on it!

You've been amazing! It might still be nice to try and meet other pregnant women even if not through NCT. You are not the only single pregnant woman in the world and having good friends could be great for you post birth. Wishing you well and just wanted to give you a cheer for being strong and fabulous!!!