Husband's affair: I have started!

[tomatoplantproject]

I have had my first thread deleted this morning, because I posted too much identifying information and disclosed far too much detail about my plans. However the support I have received so far has been amazing, and I have such a long way to go still.

The story so far: I discovered at the weekend my husband has been having an on/off affair for the last 6 months. He finished it before I discovered the evidence because he had decided to choose me over her.

I have been utterly devastated by this. In my anger I have taken the practical steps I need in order to help secure my long term future (I think).

My final practical step will be to get our home back for dd and me for a while. And then let the dust settle and figure out how to rebuild or recreate my life. With minimal collateral damage to dd.

Please keep holding my hand.

Hand

And tee shirt!

I'm going for

Hand

How's things at your parents?

hello tomato, been thinking of you. How are the dogs paws?

Thank you for your hands! It is hard to be sad when romping across beautiful countryside on a sunny day. The dog is shattered (and got herself extremely muddy )

I have composed an email to dh which I am going to send tomorrow first thing asking him to move out and give me space for 2 months. And also to sort out more practical arrangements for him seeing dd. In my email I have asked him to tell his parents, and to stay away from the Italian Job. But nothing more - just a simple request.

No threats. No advice on what he should do or where he should go, who he should or shouldn't talk to, and no advice about how to tell his parents.

In my mind this is the first of his tests. If he does exactly as I ask, no questions, stays away for 2 months save minimal communication around dd he will have passed. And we can go to the second test.

If he fails? I will be back here asking for help. If he goes nuclear (and by that I mean he refuses to hand over dd or leave the house)? I have my backup plan.

Oh, and whilst yes my parents would like us to get back together, they are being very supportive. I have read out one of the more toxic emails to them. If things do not work out they are 100% behind me, even if I go back, the marriage turns sour and I have a romance with a sexy 24 year tree surgeon

Oh and there is cake here and wine aplenty. And tomorrow we plan on shopping for some nice little bits for dd (and a potty to restart potty training which I have been woeful at doing). And more wine. And maybe a handbag

So please you are starting a new thread for support.
Remember it is your decision whether or not to continue your relationship and when you are able to make that decision, your husband forfeited that right months ago when he started this affair.
Spend the next few days thinking and walking the dog then spend next week with DD getting spoiled by your Dparents,
if you see his DParents don't lie to them about why you are on your own-just ask them to contact their son.

oops x post Tomato

Thank you inlectore. Yes we have agreed our stock answer is that they need to talk to him. It is possible I (or our car) will be spotted. However I will avoid going into town on the day they do their weekly shop.

A very lovely handbag I hope

Maybe a spa day?

Sounds a bit trivial but its important to be nice to yourself. It's a stressful and emotional time and having some nice things to look forward to to can help a lot.

You are doing all the right things and demonstrating a huge amount of dignity. I almost feel sorry for your DH - not really but my goodness what a fool he's been!

Take care

That reminds me. I saw something coming up in mid May that I thought dd would enjoy and am going to book tickets for her, mum and me. Something nice to look forward to!

And the timing of a couple of emails organising some nice things for June/July has been perfect.

Sounds like a great plan

Good for you, you seem more settled today

Well done, it all sounds very good. If he loves you he will wait 2 months and let you have space, if he goes running back to the ow...well that tells you everything doesn't it.

Sounds good Tomato, can't believe how well you are handling the situation seeing as it's such early days.

wow, you are being so together about all of this. If I knew you in RL I'd be telling you how proud I was to know you. You are being such a great example to your DD. I hope it all works out how you want.

Go ahead and plan your future with DD as if he isn't going to be around. If he is -well missing out on special events/trips with DD is a price he has to pay.

Here's another hand holding yours

I very much admire the email idea, and frankly I'm in awe of your deep understanding of the principles involved: Will he honour your wish for space, will he cope without you to suggest how he should handle things and, perhaps most of all, will he find it in himself to prioritize what you need rather than him

Also delighted that your break is clearly going well, and that you're lining up some nice things with yet more on the way. Funny, isn't it, how life has a way of compensating us once we've taken the right path??

Do you know what though puzzled? You made me stop and think. And it was your idea to think of it as a test.

I've then spent all day pondering it over because I want to be able to get what I want, appear to be entirely reasonable if it were to be publicly shown/the start of legal procedures and do it in a lovely but firm way that leaves no room for manoeuvre. My parents have helped with the wording.

Iron fist, velvet glove.

I haven't cried for a while. I feel really high on adrenaline still. The crash is going to have to come soon.

I haven't sent the email yet, however have had the first piece of contact saying dd is missing me and so I am going to call/FaceTime her in a moment. I haven't spoken to her since driving off yesterday and while we have been busy I really miss my little pal. But speaking to her also means doing it through him.

Only too glad to be of some small help, Tomato ... I just wish I'd had MN to advise me when I made my own discovery

The iron fist/velvet glove is right on the nail, and you'll certainly need it when communicating over DD; I'm also wondering just how much he'll use her for his own agenda. I'm not sure if you said how old she is, but is there some way you could arrange to speak at a certain time, to cut down on the need for him to be involved?

Anyway, you'll be back with her soon - a few days of less-than-usual contact won't hurt in the meantime

I have just skyped her - she looks shattered after a busy day and has been asking after me all day which is just heartbreaking. She's only 2.5 so too little to speak on her own.

He's going to use her to make my heart wrench. He's just texted. I just need to ignore don't I? Then send my email tomorrow first thing.