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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband's affair: I have started!

996 replies

tomatoplantproject · 23/04/2015 16:00

I have had my first thread deleted this morning, because I posted too much identifying information and disclosed far too much detail about my plans. However the support I have received so far has been amazing, and I have such a long way to go still.

The story so far: I discovered at the weekend my husband has been having an on/off affair for the last 6 months. He finished it before I discovered the evidence because he had decided to choose me over her.

I have been utterly devastated by this. In my anger I have taken the practical steps I need in order to help secure my long term future (I think).

My final practical step will be to get our home back for dd and me for a while. And then let the dust settle and figure out how to rebuild or recreate my life. With minimal collateral damage to dd.

Please keep holding my hand.

OP posts:
LL0015 · 23/04/2015 22:15

Tomato (!)
I was so set on not taking any shit and negotiating the best fit and not falling apart, I perhaps didn't go through the emotional turbulence. Of course I was devastated, but I was extreme steel

Now I'm wondering how we ended up here, hating one another.

I thought I had swallowed too much pain and I pushed him away too hard. I'm not saying be softer, just don't be too hard and too rash.

I think you are doing just grand through. Don't let hatred block other feelings.

Not sure if that helps

Smorgasboard · 23/04/2015 22:20

Been following both threads. You are handling it all brilliantly. I too like the email title. It's more likely to get him to leave you be for a while, which is what you want and need. I don't think it sets you up for having him back though as after all you are only offering 'hope' so are free to say that you've come to a conclusion you don't want him anymore. Also, as you are not giving a flat rejection, you will have him worrying what to do all the more, keep him worrying - he's caused you enough upset, might get him closer to understanding how it feels. Keeps him nicely on the back foot. Given your discussions with him, I'd say your title is spot on Smile

BathtimeFunkster · 23/04/2015 22:23

I'll read your e-mail and give feedback if you like. Feel free to PM me.

Or not, if you prefer :)

TheoriginalLEM · 23/04/2015 22:24

I agree with LL0015, don't turn it into a war. I also agree that you are doing amazingly well but allow yourself to feel. Little by little, allow some of that emotion to happen because i am worried it will be nuclear if you don't allow it out bit by bit.

I also think that hope is a good title for the email, you absolutely need time to work out whether you can get past what has happened. My dad had an affair (actually i think he had more than one). In fact he left for just over a year but my mum had him back. She shouldn't have, because she continued to punish him for it for the rest of their marriage, she just couldn't get past it. They would have been happier and I would have been happier (i was 12 at the time) if they had divorced. It was like walking on eggshells all the time, i never knew if world war 111 had erupted when i walked in from school.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 23/04/2015 22:27

Ok that makes sense LL.

What I'm struggling with is that I love the man but not what he has done. I can't get my head around the fact that he would do this to us. I am just waiting for the emotional collapse which I am sure is on its way.

I've been given some advice personally by a wise old owl to give myself time and space to heal. She said if, once the dust is settled, and I have got used to living just me and dd, and if I miss him still then that is the time for talking about reconciliation. That I need to find peace with my decision on my own. And that if I loved him before the affair I might still love him again. She said above all to keep being calm so that things are not said in the heat of anger. Which is why he HAS to back off and give me some space.

OP posts:
Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 23/04/2015 22:30

X-posted. Ok then since opinion is divided I might keep my title Grin

OP posts:
Smorgasboard · 23/04/2015 22:31

Anyway, what's 2 months of hope, even if it's false hope, against 6 months of 'we need counselling, it's our disconnection problem' - then ' oh no, actually, it was all me, I just made you second guess and feel sad all that time and accept some blame when really it was all me! '. Awful to be putting you through that, and the therapy,when you had no idea what you were up against!

Christinayangstwistedsister · 23/04/2015 22:33

I think your wise old owl is spot on, you will change as a person over the next couple of months, you will spend a lot of time thinking about where you are in life and who you really want to be and how you want to live your life

Your life will never be quite the same again, that's not a bad thing.

Smorgasboard · 23/04/2015 22:37

Wise owl gets my vote too Smile

LL0015 · 23/04/2015 22:37

And loneliness is deceiving.
I'm really lonely, wrenchingly so at times. But not for stbxh. Just hugs, affection, body warmth.

Don't confuse the two.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 23/04/2015 22:39

Ah LL I'm sorry, is there no way back?

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 23/04/2015 22:41

Smorgasbord - yes 2 months is nothing.

I have been talking with mum about things. One of the things I want to quietly shift is how I am perceived by his family - I actually want to start taking the matriarchal role in that family. And so I have to be seen as taking no shit, to be seen to be calling the shots, and he has to come off the demigod pedestal they have put him on.

I feel like the sands are shifting. If anyone has read the Phillippa Gregory White Queen books Jacquetta used to have a symbol for the wheel of fortune which she would draw in the air whenever the power would change. I feel like someone is standing over me drawing that wheel of fortune.

I have never felt like this before.

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 23/04/2015 22:42

I can't get my head around the fact that he would do this to us.

And that's what the time is for - to figure out whether you can continue to love the man once you understand that he did this to you.

To figure out whether there is an explanation that you can accept that explains how he allowed himself to make that terrible, ongoing, selfish decision while still being a fundamentally decent man who loved you.

And it's up to him to show you that.

His hope is - piss off and give me space, and use the time to work on yourself.

Your hope is - he did, ultimately, choose you.

It's not much. But it's something.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 23/04/2015 22:42

Oh LL. Have you got or could you get a cat? Mine will be looking for a lap to warm at the moment xx

OP posts:
Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 23/04/2015 22:44

Bathtime - you are right.

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsister · 23/04/2015 22:47

It's very difficult being with the perfect man, when their light is dimmed a light it allows some space for you to grow and develop...find a little light for yourself

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 23/04/2015 22:53

Christina that was lovely.

How about I am a little oak tree pushing through the big weed that has been stifling MY light? And the weed has grown up quickly and stealthily, yet the little oak has the power to become queen of the forest. Or something.

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsister · 23/04/2015 22:55

Remember there will be times when you are low, when the adrenaline stops and you are exhausted from it all

They are the times when it is so tempting to pick up the phone. You miss him, you miss his voice...have a plan b for those times

iwashappy · 23/04/2015 22:59

Your friend speaks a lot of sense, you need thinking time and space and he needs to know that it is not a given that you will take him back. It will also give you an idea of what your life might be like if you were to formally separate.

I would suggest that you word your email a minimum of two months and you will assess the situation then. Your decision will take as long as it takes and that could be longer than two months. You are doing ever so well.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 23/04/2015 23:07

Iwas - yes that might be useful to give myself that flexibility.

Right I am shattered and so hope to get some sleep. Sweet dreams all xx

OP posts:
LL0015 · 23/04/2015 23:21

LL would love a cat. Allergic dammit.

I would not have his lying cheating arse back. Never. But for my children, I wish wish wish things were better. So that's the angle of my why can't it be better than this. Joint, amicable and happy parenting.

FATEdestiny · 23/04/2015 23:44

Forgive me for being a naïve smug married, but there are aspects of this 'no contact for 2 months' that I don't understand.

Won't you want to talk through what has happened with him? Have questions about what happened that you want him to answer or justify? I would have a million questions that I would want answer to. Waiting 2 months no-contact to have answers that would swim around and around in my mind would seem like torturing myself.

LondonRocks · 24/04/2015 00:02

You sound like a force of nature, OP. I've read both threads and, wow, you sound so kick-ass in this one.

Regarding the title of the email, I am unsure that 'hope' is the right one. Simply because he asked for hope - and why should he get what he demanded? Just a suggestion, but how about 'my thoughts' as a title. Or 'current situation'?

Just can't bear the image of him getting that message and puffing up because he feels he has hope...

Flowers to you and your DD.

AmIbeingTreasonable · 24/04/2015 00:32

I've read both your threads and you are doing so well. My only comment on the email is I think you should make it 3 months not 2. You can always decide after two months that you are ready to talk to him or whatever, but I'll bet anything that if he does as you ask for 2 months, he will then be badgering you the second that time is up doubtful that he will wait the two months anyway.
I'm down under so I"ll be around for the next few hours if you want some company Smile

Smorgasboard · 24/04/2015 01:14

Matriarch of DH family? Is that aspiration a tad odd? Maybe I misunderstand. Not sure how that is a relevant aim unless you are steering towards a ' I can fix your family ills as that is why DH has done what he has' approach. Let him alone own his behaviour, he's a grown man, the finished article, too late to try to undo whatever family experience has made him. Expect less clout with his family not more, but can still lead by example - their choice to follow without manipulation. You can't mend people, they have to decide to sort themselves out as you must focus on your needs, the rest is noise and distraction for you.