Husband's affair: I have started!

[tomatoplantproject]

I have had my first thread deleted this morning, because I posted too much identifying information and disclosed far too much detail about my plans. However the support I have received so far has been amazing, and I have such a long way to go still.

The story so far: I discovered at the weekend my husband has been having an on/off affair for the last 6 months. He finished it before I discovered the evidence because he had decided to choose me over her.

I have been utterly devastated by this. In my anger I have taken the practical steps I need in order to help secure my long term future (I think).

My final practical step will be to get our home back for dd and me for a while. And then let the dust settle and figure out how to rebuild or recreate my life. With minimal collateral damage to dd.

Please keep holding my hand.

That's why it will be difficult on your own. The dynamic of your relationship will still be the same, and it will be difficult for you both to break from it tomorrow . You talk, he persuades you otherwise.

Perhaps you alone talk, asking him simply to listen, and go away to consider? If he can't/wont do that, then there is little chance of progress anyway.

Perhaps the counsellor could be present for his response?

Vivacia - what else should I do? For us to start moving forward I have to start talking to him and I have to tell him how I feel

1. Tell him how you feel. 2) Ask him what he intends to do about earning back your trust.

I must admit I don't know why you'd want to be with someone you've taken down a peg or two. It doesn't sound like the basis for a respectful, healthy relationship.

Because part of what I hate about the last few months is the sheer arrogance of his behaviour. And there has been no respect from him for some time now, that is obvious. It didn't used to be that way - he used to listen to me and value my opinion.

I will respect myself more if I tell him how things have been from my perspective and what I now think of him.

He really has got caught up in his own hype hasn't he?

I guess this is a turning point....will he still be arrogant in the face of all the pain he has caused or will he try to become the man you deserve

Telling him makes sense. Being in a relationship with a such a man doesn't.

I guess you want the old version of him back, but that old version included being a cheat.

Christina - you have it again. This really does feel like a crossroads.

Vivacia - I want the man I married back. He was more humble, kind, caring, thoughtful, made me laugh. Somehow that version has been replaced by the successful businessman who puts himself first all the time and gave himself permission to cause so much destruction. The version that I married would be appalled at this behaviour.

And what I want to find out is which of those versions emerges from where we are now.

I want the man I married back. He was more humble, kind, caring, thoughtful, made me laugh. Somehow that version has been replaced by the successful businessman who puts himself first all the time and gave himself permission to cause so much destruction. The version that I married would be appalled at this behaviour.

Tell him exactly that.

do you miss him?

Yes - I intend to.

I also have been thinking about what future I want for dd and I, and that we live in a home full of love, respect, sincerity, honesty and joy. All of that has been missing in recent times.

Everything that you are saying to us..tell him

From the details you gave with regard to his dismissive comments about female friends, it sounds as if he has some kind of issues around power balances in relationships:

"it's clear who wears the trousers in that relationship", "how can the husband allow the wife to do that", you "would make a mess of" mowing the lawn..

Do I miss him? Not now. It's been a relief not having him around because since the affair started he has been moody, grouchy, miserable, messy and rude.

I haven't yet reached the stage where I am thinking fondly of him. A few months ago I did miss him and I felt very lonely.

Twinkle I think that's right. And actually the women he has been very dismissive of are all very strong and have dealt with shit things in a way that I am in utter awe at.

Good luck, tomato. I am pleased and hopeful that you seem to see so clearly how he has become entitled and self-interested. This is often the way when an affair happens, someone is om their uppers so to speak and feels they 'deserve' whatever happiness they want in whatever way, ignoring the reality of other's feelings.

I think what others are saying is not so much that it is a bad idea to speak to him, but if you zoom out, and you clearly are very very smart and self-aware and doing this already, the ideal situation would be different.

The ideal situation would see him reading YOU a letter, of how he realises he fucked up, and what he intends to put right. You trying to force an image of himself in his head which is negative is a very difficult thing to succeed with. Partly because people are totally resistant to that. The mind is designed to try and maintain a positive view of the self, mental health depends on it, and entitled and narcissistic people fight criticism even more. The worse someone's behaviour the more work they have done to justify it in their minds, so any reframing of themselves and their motivations is even harder.

You are very wise to be talking about permissions etc. Here lies the best indicator of who he is now. Does he know how he gave himself permission, what he told himself. What is his attitude to that now?

As I said before, the best indicator of success after an affair is the extent and passion with which the BETRAYING partner extends empathy, apology and effort to rebuilding the relationship.

Good luck.

He takes himself way too seriously...who the hell frames all their kids art work?

My kitchen is covered in pictures, certificates etc that ds has made or received, we call it The Wall of Proudness It's messy and fun

Tomato
My apologies for disappearing for a while. (We were on a nice trip for a long week-end. I extended it a bit with the kids up to now- H had to go back to work early this morning.)
So Tomato if I understand you:
You loved the man he was and you do not know where he disappeared. you are wondering whether he was engulfed by the successful businessman he became and whether he can still resurface. And of course being an intellectually honest person you want to take him through your emotional upheavals before you make up any final decisions- and for the sake of your DD you are hoping that this might awaken in him the dear friend and lover he was before success and mistress thickened his feelings.
Am I right?
Arrogance and disrespect are all part of what the experts call 'gas lighting' 'affair fogs' and minimizing I think. So I believe that the good guy did not disappear- he has to realize the extent of his sins and to atone for them. (I an glad you want to give him time to come to his senses and this without selling yourself cheap! You are in parallel rebuilding your own life with your daughter on your own).
I am sorry you have not yet enough counseling sessions to see some 'dramatic' change or awakening.
Did I already suggest you the book : HOW TO HELP YOUR SPOUSE HEAL FROM YOUR AFFAIR? It is really a good book- it helps betrayers realize the enormity of what they did and provide general guidelines of how to successfully rebuild relationships after the affair. It is also written without too much pathos or BS (by a very intelligent woman) and I think that this why its message tend to go down well with betrayers even if they are still in the fog. If you have not yet purchased it please do and pass it to him to read it. Another interesting book is called: The Myth of Monogamy by Peggy Vaughan (and it is a pamphlet in praise of monogamy despite its name. It might be interesting if both of you read it and discuss it.)
I am glad you are having good time with your DD. You are really amazing: instead of bending on your wounds and licking them you just get up and do the best for the little one.
Good Luck!

Christina - way too seriously. He's an award winning fancy pants architect doncha know and so has a strong opinion about how our home is presented. It is now filling up with pink plastic tat

Blood - ok yes. So far I have said that I'm not ready to talk and he may use this as a reason for not spelling out what he intends to do. Maybe I should start the discussion tomorrow by asking him about his version and see where that takes us.

The big but in that though is that I want to air my feelings. I want him to know exactly how hurt I have been and how I don't recognise him any longer.

Mama - I haven't read the books yet and I won't offer them to him until he asks. Books I have given him before now are still sat unread on his bedside table.

I hadn't thought about him being in a fog and that it goes hand in hand with arrogance.

Are u sure he's not just been on his v best behaviour up until now, and deep down he really is just a misogynistic a-hole.....now he has you 'trapped' with the little one, he feels comfortable to let his guard down? The comments he's making, the extreme pride in his own home, egocentric....sounds a bit narc to me. Beware home taking the old role back up....but just for a while.

City - am not sure. I have my eyes open though, and my plan b. No way is he pulling that shit on me again and me not noticing. I'm already noticing the language he is using and how he talks about women.

Am gearing myself up to looking for a full time job - for all sorts of reasons but mainly so I am not financially dependent on him if I decide in the future to kick him out.

I agree with not offering him the books, if he wants to change then he will and he'll do it in his own way. You can't spoon-feed him into the man you want him to be.

Btw you'll need to start a new thread soon Tomato as this one's getting full - why not title it something really kickass to remind you of your goals every time you see it?

Hah loving the pink plastic tat x

Does he realise that he has a daughter? Does he want her growing up believing that her husband will " allow" her to do things?

So does dd!