Husband's affair: I have started!

[tomatoplantproject]

I have had my first thread deleted this morning, because I posted too much identifying information and disclosed far too much detail about my plans. However the support I have received so far has been amazing, and I have such a long way to go still.

The story so far: I discovered at the weekend my husband has been having an on/off affair for the last 6 months. He finished it before I discovered the evidence because he had decided to choose me over her.

I have been utterly devastated by this. In my anger I have taken the practical steps I need in order to help secure my long term future (I think).

My final practical step will be to get our home back for dd and me for a while. And then let the dust settle and figure out how to rebuild or recreate my life. With minimal collateral damage to dd.

Please keep holding my hand.

Forgot to add - yes, you'll almost certainly crash at some point. You'll wonder what the hell you're doing and start to believe that anything would be better then the current mess

It's not true of course, but when that comes it's vital to remember that however you feel is completely valid at that point; this isn't of your making, your feelings are individual to you and you're absolutely entitled to them

As I've said, this isn't the sort of thing which can be resolved in a hurry; the danger isn't taking whatever time you need to consider his intentions and come to a decision - it's trying to brush it under the carpet and move ahead too quickly in blind but misplaced faith

O.M.G. He has told his parents. Fuck me.

He's going to use her to make my heart wrench. He's just texted. I just need to ignore don't I? Then send my email tomorrow first thing

Yes, I believe you're absolutely right to ignore him; you've done the important thing in speaking with your DD, and it's unwise to encourage needless contact from him - he'll only use it against you with something like "well I thought you wanted me to stay in touch, after all you replied before"

I'm sure you'll have included in the email something about the extremely limited circumstances you expect contact under ... it'll be interesting to see if he can respect you, or if the "pleeeease give me just a little bit of hope" suggestions start up again

I haven't told you. It's his birthday today. I had bought some gifts, and intended to get dd very excited about it - making cakes, cards, practicing happy birthday etc. I didn't know how to handle it and I didn't do any of the dd stuff. So I wrapped and left the presents with a card from dd (that I bought). I haven't been able to bring myself to give him a card from me, or to wish him happy birthday. Because I don't. And I want him to feel maximum guilt about the nice, thoughtful presents I had carefully chosen for him.

He had just thanked me for the gifts, so I said in a small voice "you're welcome". Then a jolly voice to dd - "shall I go and look for the dog so you can say hello to her?"

I just want him to feel the huge loss and grief that I feel too. And to come down to earth with the most massive bump and to learn some fucking humility.

Fine - so he's told them. No more than he should be expected to do

Try to resist any urge to reply about it, far less to ask how his mother is. This is his mess and his job to do whatever's needed to sort it out

Puzzled - yes you're right. Ignoring it is.

I have titled the email "hope" and said if there is any hope for us he needs to move out for 2 months, leave me in peace, talk to his parents and agree regular contact with dd (bathtime/bedtime and Saturdays). Or else. Something along those lines. And now I can delete the bit about his family.

X-post. I said thank you.

did he text that he told his parents or have they contacted you.

You handled the birthday well. Must be time for a few glasses of

I wouldn't worry over the birthday thing - if he chooses not to behave as a family man, pleasures like this go missing as well

Whether he'll feel loss will depend partly on how he takes tomorrow's email; I really wouldn't contact him again in the meantime

.

Thank you undeux. He texted me to tell me. Haven't heard from them.

I don't now know whether I should reach out or wait for contact. I have spent a large portion of today ranting about how weak and manipulative his mother is with her "poor me, poor me" victim charade. I could be being unfair but she has created a son who is treated like a prince when he arrives home and a sister who is utterly lovely who has the most appalling taste in men, and who can't provide her poor mother with more grandchildren and woe is me. And then she doesn't know what to make of me, and is incredibly jealous of mum probably because she just gets on with it, and because she imagines mum gets more time with dd than she does. Which absolutely is going to happen over the next 2 months. And I refuse to play her guilty sulking little games. Just argh!!

Puzzled - silence from me until tomorrow.

Don't go by me, but is there perhaps a chance that he might misinterpret just the word "hope" in an email title? After all "please give me some hope" was one of his bleats before ...

Just on my way out with a pal for a few glasses of wine; if I don't get back tonight (or if I can't see the keyboard straight!!) I'll check in first thing tomorrow for any updates

Has he really told them the truth or his version...

Really must get going, but just quickly ... I thought his mother was supposed to be genuinely fragile?? Are you saying that a lot of it is, in fact, manipulation?? If so, avoid like the plague as you'll have more than enough of that from him

And it's not hard to see where he gets the whining from, is it??

I started it off with something like - if you want some hope then you have to give me some space to come to my own decisions. For 2 months etc.

I think the wording is quite clear. And there are some clear expressions of what I want to happen.

Hmmm, it will be interesting to find out what he has actually told the parents...that should give you quite an insight

I'm not sure I would give it a time line, if you decide after four weeks that you want him back he will see that as ah she can't go the full time without me

Another rant. I haven't really read the emails since the weekend but I read one out earlier to m+d. In the email it was clear she was pushing him to make a decision between her and me. He then chose me.

So the fucking little snivvly coward was going to string the both of us along while he got his head around the fact he couldn't decide between - ooh fantasy shag he's spent approximately 6 days with or ooh loyal wife, mother of his child, the girl he loved so much he promised to forsake all others for. Tough one. Which one shall I choose!

Do you know the full extent of it from emails or from him?

I agree with Puzzled regarding the email title "hope" being misinterpreted. To me it reads too much like as long as he does the things you outline in your email then he can be hopeful you'll let him back in your life, and that's what you hope for too.

Although this might even be the case, you don't want to set things up so that he feels entitled to resume his relationship with you where he left off just because he's done as you've asked for a few weeks. Even if he suddenly starts behaving impeccably you might find that after a couple of months apart you realise that you wouldn't touch him with a bargepole once because you've now had proper time to process the enormity of what he's done to you.

Maybe title your email along the lines of "next steps" ?

Christina - that's a good point. But I want to set an expectation that it is months, not weeks. And I want to protect me from me - I make decisions and act quickly and I don't always think them through. I have to spend enough time living with my decision to know it is the right one.

No idea what he has told his parents. They haven't been in touch. I expect to hear from his sister over the weekend.

The pushing for a decision has come through the emails, not what he has told me.

But I can't remember what he has told me. I was a tiny bit cross.

Puzzled - hope you have a fabulous night out.

Perhaps tell him that you need to attend counseling for a few months to decide whether you will stay in the relationship.........since it worked so well for him.....

You sound in a stronger place. I think you're doing the right things.

Agree with pp re. Hope. - I wouldn't put that either. Next steps, what now, etc, might be better.

Glad he told his parents. I wonder if they'll be in touch. Tomorrow I expect. I think its very awkward for most parents.

I'm not sure if the fragility is real or manipulation. But she does a good line in the sulks and silence, and making you feel guilty. And she is jealous of my mum. And she's obsessed with her own health but not really interested when someone has a proper health scare. Like cancer.

But she's had a troubled upbringing and is highly dependent on the men in her life.

And everyone goes on and on about how lovely she is, and such a wonderful homemaker, and an amazing cook. And panders to her.

On the plus side she makes great cake.

I don't buy it. I am bright and breezy. If she's sulking I just go into another room. But I may just be ranting again and she's not as bad as all that.