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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband's affair: I have started!

996 replies

tomatoplantproject · 23/04/2015 16:00

I have had my first thread deleted this morning, because I posted too much identifying information and disclosed far too much detail about my plans. However the support I have received so far has been amazing, and I have such a long way to go still.

The story so far: I discovered at the weekend my husband has been having an on/off affair for the last 6 months. He finished it before I discovered the evidence because he had decided to choose me over her.

I have been utterly devastated by this. In my anger I have taken the practical steps I need in order to help secure my long term future (I think).

My final practical step will be to get our home back for dd and me for a while. And then let the dust settle and figure out how to rebuild or recreate my life. With minimal collateral damage to dd.

Please keep holding my hand.

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YellowTulips · 24/04/2015 01:35

Christina - you remind me of a phrase my grandmother and mother use...

He/She is a candle snuffer.

We have all met one....it's someone who needs to snuff out your flame to make theirs seem brighter.

It's a term in my family for insecure bullies.

I wish MN had a candle emoticon for it as it's a sadly common trait.

Weebirdie · 24/04/2015 03:30

Tomato, Im feeling quite worried about you as you seem to be on a bit of a high and rather than have a crash that will take you down into the depths of despair Im wondering if your's will in fact go the other way.

This talk of being the matriarch of DH's family and power wheels is quite scary to read because it doesn't sound very real unless you mean you want to be the matriarch of DH's family as in him, you, your wee girl and not his birth family. If its to be the matriarch of his birth family then to be honest its a strange thing to be thinking about right now. Is it a cultural thing? And I only ask because once my SIL is no longer here I'll be the matriarch in DH's family, its a cultural thing, and Im really trying to understand what you have said.

Please be careful over the next few days. Flowers

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 24/04/2015 07:40

Weebirdie - I think I was getting a bit carried away last night. I just want to protect my little girl. And I don't like the smothering, can do no wrong, intensity that seems to pervade the house when we are there. Dh becomes a different person himself.

And how I was feeling last night is precisely why I need time away to figure out who the real me is again, what I want, and to gather the strength to deal with the changed family dynamics. And I don't want anyone to observe me go through this process unless I know they 100% love me and are on my side. I can't risk things that I say now being used and twisted.

Matriarch? Maybe mother elephant of little calf right now with her between the legs of the herd between sheltered there. Maybe that is the more true image.

Have woken feeling sick, numb, shaky and cold hands again. Yuck.

Fate - I do have questions but I think it would torture me more, not less, to keep on asking them. I know he has this horrid affair. I know he lied and betrayed and lied and betrayed and was actually a bastard to be around the whole time it was going on. He had endless opportunities to stop and he tried but he didn't end it until his hand was forced by her. Right now I don't quite know that torturing myself with any more detail is helpful. And actually I just don't want to. I have seen enough.

What I need to see is how he deals with it and whether he has the strength of character to face up to the damage he has done and has the humility to put it right.

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Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 24/04/2015 07:45

I think part of it is that I need to recover my self esteem. I've felt so rubbish about myself and lost since this affair began and at the time I put it down to me not being able to find a nice job, and failing to be able to get pregnant and have another baby.

And somehow I think the wheel of fortune might relate to that somehow - that in this process I seem to have found it again. And I am damn sure that when I see dh or his family I will look nice, and behave well, not give anything away and that I refuse to play my victim card.

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Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 24/04/2015 07:47

Yellow - I am intrigued by the candle snuffer phrase. I am pondering whether dh is one.

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Christinayangstwistedsister · 24/04/2015 07:48

Tomato

Just take things one day at a time, you are on a roller coaster and will be at the mercy of your emotions

Don't plan too much, just see where day takes you. One day you will be busying about your house, music on, laughing and chatting with your dd and it will strike you that you haven't though about it today and if you really think about it will realize the sadness is gone and you are happy

Nevergrowingup · 24/04/2015 07:51

Tomato, I agree with the others. Don't focus on DH's family and their way of functioning. From experience, they will always be like that. Sadly. However, your family unit can grow and create its own style, it's own standards, it's own direction.

Yes, be matriarch of your own family and make that team strong. To do that, you need complete honesty and trust. You both need to want that.

I know you are not in a place to have that choice at the moment but all I would say is focus on your team of three. Listen to advice, radically that's going but move forward as a team of three. Stretched of the day, no-one else actually matters. It's your 'closed door' to have a life behind.

Nevergrowingup · 24/04/2015 07:53

Stretched??? Hmm... at the end of the day Blush

Nevergrowingup · 24/04/2015 07:55

autocorrect nonsense again... not 'radically' - take all (argh)

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 24/04/2015 08:00

Never - that makes sense.

My parents actually need a few stock phrases of her own for when they bump into his parents (which is inevitable). Do they just say "we need to let x and x figure it out themselves?" "It's not a great idea for us to talk about it right now?" It's a stupid idea them actually talking about I think.

I need to have a think about whether I take dd round to their house to see them which I always used to do. Or whether I ask mum to. Or whether there is some neutral territory. Or whether I don't at all which is the easiest but not necessarily the best option.

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Christinayangstwistedsister · 24/04/2015 08:02

In think I would wait and see how they handle it. If they contact you, what there response is etc

prepperpig · 24/04/2015 08:02

Tomato I read your previous thread and wanted to wish you luck and support. Its hard when something like this happens and its all too easy to listen to the cries of LTB and simply walk away but if you can make it work (and you hold all the power there to walk away permanently if that's what is ultimately best for you and DD) then it is possible to rebuild and even in some circumstances have a stronger relationship because of it.

Dignity all the way is the best way. You're dealing with this so well.

And I like your title. You need space not war. The title helps you with that IMO.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 24/04/2015 08:02

Never - who is my team of 3? Me, dh and dd or me, mum and dad?

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Christinayangstwistedsister · 24/04/2015 08:03

I remember my mil phoning me to apologize for raising such an idiot ( actually her wording was much stronger)

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 24/04/2015 08:04

Thank you prepper. I like that - space not war.

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Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 24/04/2015 08:09

Christina - I've not had that phone call yet.

I put a tenner on it I will hear from his sister over the weekend.

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Christinayangstwistedsister · 24/04/2015 08:18

Yes, just wait on them contacting you. It will also be interesting to find out exactly what he has said to them

Nevergrowingup · 24/04/2015 08:30

For now, I wouldn't worry about keeping routine visits in place. This is your time and its OK to be selfish. Your parents just need some bland, stock phrases. Acknowledging the situation but not commenting. I find that if you don't pass comment in these situations, you know that any ongoing gossip hasn't come from you or your parents.

His parents may be eager to find common ground BUT... any comments, no matter how innocent, can be misinterpreted and chewed over. They may then resurface in a way that bears no resemblance to the original comment.

Your team of three - you, your (ahem) DH and your DD. If you do come out if this together, that's all that should matter. That's some way away but good to keep in your mind.

Just be careful what you share with others. Blood is thicker than water so stay safe. Your gut instinct will tell you when to edit your thoughts.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 24/04/2015 08:32

Yes. We will see. I think his sister will share that with me. When all of this is over and regardless of the outcome I want to make sure I still have my friendship with his sister.

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Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 24/04/2015 08:36

Never - that's really useful to bear in mind. I think it safer then to stay away from them for now, and my parents to keep bland.

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NewTwenty · 24/04/2015 08:52

If you do give it another go, I think there are three stages/variants of feeling:

Being able to put it behind you
Forgiveness - rare
Forgetting - rarer still

In my own marriage I am at the first stage (not infidelity related but some very poor treatment at a time I was vulnerable). I think that this can be successful, but the relationship won't ever be quite the same again.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 24/04/2015 09:00

It's up to him to maintain contact between dd and his family

Nevergrowingup · 24/04/2015 09:01

What matters here is you and how you feel. If too many people get into the mix/into your head, before you know it there are multiple versions floating around. You don't need that. Use your parents to keep people at a distance and reconnect with people in your own time.

Some people need an audience. Unfortunately that's when the truth starts to get lost.

Take care

hellsbellsmelons · 24/04/2015 09:23

I followed your last thread.
You do sound stronger.
I hope you have a lovely weekend with your DD.
And I really hope your 'D'H does give you space.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 24/04/2015 09:30

I was about to send my email and I have changed my mind. I am going to send it once I have dd here.

Worst case scenario his parents move down to our house and look after dd while he goes to work. His mother would love the extra time with her. I cannot risk that.

If, once he reads the email he decides not to move out, changes locks etc at least dd and I have a safe haven here and I can detonate plan b. That eventuality is not as bad as him keeping dd too.

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