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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband's affair: I have started!

996 replies

tomatoplantproject · 23/04/2015 16:00

I have had my first thread deleted this morning, because I posted too much identifying information and disclosed far too much detail about my plans. However the support I have received so far has been amazing, and I have such a long way to go still.

The story so far: I discovered at the weekend my husband has been having an on/off affair for the last 6 months. He finished it before I discovered the evidence because he had decided to choose me over her.

I have been utterly devastated by this. In my anger I have taken the practical steps I need in order to help secure my long term future (I think).

My final practical step will be to get our home back for dd and me for a while. And then let the dust settle and figure out how to rebuild or recreate my life. With minimal collateral damage to dd.

Please keep holding my hand.

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tomatoplantproject · 18/05/2015 19:03

I was musing on the same thing this very morning as I was plodding along in the rain. I want her to grow up in a household where successful women are celebrated and admired - whether that is famous women or women that we know. I don't want to teach her that it is ok to be spoken to in the way he talks to me and about our friends.

I'm pulling him up each and every time. I did so yesterday about the lawn mowing.

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CitySnicker · 18/05/2015 19:05

How did he react?

ELIANASGRANNY · 18/05/2015 19:05

Many people who become very successful in their field do tend to start believing their own publicity, and lose track of their roots. If he can accept that this has happened to him, and is prepared to change, then you have hope of saving your marriage.

If however, this is the real person emerging along with his success, entitled and patronising, then it will only lead to more pain and unhappiness for you and your little one. I suspect you already know all this though Tomato......Can I call you Tommy? You don't sound a bit tomato-ish!

Christinayanglah · 18/05/2015 19:12

Yes, I think I might have shoved the lawnmower a place........

Nevergrowingup · 18/05/2015 19:13

What a shame about the Counsellor. You must have felt very frustrated. Although you are going ahead with meeting up with DH, don't try and replace the counselling session with having a conversation 1:1. The dynamic will be very different and as neither of you has been in this position before, its perhaps a tiny step. One tiny step of many tiny steps, if that makes sense.

It sounds as though much of his success has been made possible by your strengths and abilities, by your innate sense of family. You describe the changes in him that have come about by his business achievements. It may be that he likes being this new guy - you know, that dick-swinging-plonker-type, unstoppable and everyone's best friend.

Some people do go through life like this. When they get bored with one bit, they move on and reinvent themselves in a different arena. Often with barely a backward glance. I've seen it done and it still shocks me. Its almost as though they feel entitled to seek out happiness and success, whatever the cost. They will rarely acknowledge that they were ever a partnership

As for his attitude towards women. I'm sure in all-male company, these sorts of comments are commonplace. In your own home to the mother of your child is lazy, disrespectful and makes him look ignorant. (It also sounds as though your parents did an excellent job building your self esteem). Haha! - framing children's artwork! Fair enough if that floats your boat, but being disparaging about other people's taste is just ignorant and nasty. I'd love to fast forward him to having teenagers... Wink

So... his wandering dick has created a moment in your relationship where everything, absolutely everything is on the table. That's why I'm saying to look on tomorrow as a tiny step, or a shuffle towards getting some clarity. The image you have built of your DH is not one of someone who will react well to hearing the truth. I don't think he will go postal, but you may not come away from it with any clear view one way or the other. And remember its just words. They matter, but his key responses will be in actions and those need to be actions of an adult, not petulant child. He's the one whose had his teaspoon in the Nutella, so to speak, not you. He needs to take ownership for that.

However, I think its a vital step for you towards finding your own position on it all. It may be that you will continue to pursue a future with or without him. He may stay where he is in life, he might be happy with who he is. If you start to realise that you don't want to drag him into the next phase of your marriage rather than him willingly come with you, go about sorting out your life for you and DD. Be a step ahead and let him follow in your wake.

Snoozybird · 18/05/2015 19:15

Or TomTom cos she's headed in the right direction! Grin

MaMaof04 · 18/05/2015 19:17

Snoozy
There is an important phase for them (I read a lot about betrayals) betrayers: to break free from the fog - and some do break free on their own but most do not. IMO the book 'How to help your spouse etc' helps them break free from the fog and see the pain they caused and direct them in the first stages of rebuilding. So maybe - just maybe Tomato you might want to give this book to him to read or even maybe (better IMO) read it with him and then give it to him to reread on his own. (As an architect the 'building' wording might speak to him!) It is a thin book. No BS.
(Kids love colourful plastics! Well done for giving a 'kid me not' note atmosphere to your house!) Good Luck!

Christinayanglah · 18/05/2015 19:19

Never

Excellent post

tomatoplantproject · 18/05/2015 19:58

He went a bit silent after I said it I would have done an excellent job if only I knew how to work the lawnmower. I should have told him where to stick it though!

Eliana - I hope it's the former rather than the latter. They were one step away from folding when I first met him and are becoming very successful now. Through the journey they have taken from there to now I have been there, supporting him.

Never - I'm going to have to think through what you're saying. I had planned on telling him exactly what I now thought of him but maybe it's enough for now just to talk about his views and then myself and the impact on me.

I LOVE tomtom. I have a shocking sense of direction and the arrival of satnav has saved my sanity!

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tomatoplantproject · 18/05/2015 20:00

Btw mama - I'd love to throw some literature at him but he won't read it. He has to be the one who starts looking for recommendations because then he might read it himself. I've given him pregnancy for men/baby books before and they've just lain there.

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Christinayanglah · 18/05/2015 20:22

Well he has had time and space to think about what he has done and to evaluate his life, I'm hoping that he has a lot he would like to say to you

tomatoplantproject · 18/05/2015 21:30

Ok I'm clear. I think I know how I'm going to approach it.

I'm going to say I wanted to have the counsellor present so we could have the benefit of her wisdom and insightful questions and so that we would have a referee present in case we started saying things we might later regret.

I'm going to talk about me and how I feel, rather than attacking him. I will try and talk about his behaviour rather than completely pulling apart his personality.

I'm going to give him the chance to say what he has to say. And I will listen.

And if he starts (verbally) attacking me or making derogatory remarks I will either pull him up or walk out.

I'm going to channel Claire Underwood with my cool, calm, collected demeanour. I just wish I had her wardrobe!!

Yikes.

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tomatoplantproject · 18/05/2015 22:12

Holy shit I have just read the article on narcissism in that other thread. The paragraph about perfectionism has sent shivers down my spine. I've read a bit about narcissism already and while some stuff is familiar I've always been "maybe". This is the first time I have read something which describes him precisely.

I am going to be watching his emotional repertoire tomorrow to see how he handles our discussion.

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Nevergrowingup · 18/05/2015 22:19

I think you're in a good place with this Tomato. Keep your plan simple and your expectations even simpler.

My guess is that he knows EXACTLY how you feel, could probably write a script for you but... the issue remains whether he appreciates that he has caused you this amount of pain and hurt and why he caused all this pain and hurt. Does he understand the grave breach of trust and what that means? That's the part the counsellor can help with.

You could have your own out of body experience tomorrow. Channelling Claire Underwood? Become her for the day!! Tonight Matthew, I am going to be... Grin.

Her wardrobe is amazing or so I thought until I read that she virtually starves herself before filming. She's a great character to get you through tomorrow. All the best. x

tomatoplantproject · 18/05/2015 22:24

Grin I don't plan on starving tomorrow!

Thank you never. If he can predict my script I don't need to say anything do I?!

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Nevergrowingup · 18/05/2015 22:40

Even more reason to be Claire!

Seriously, be yourself, but a wiser version of yourself.

Its tempting to try and label his behaviour and it sounds as though he has some tendencies similar to conditions which can be diagnosed. At this stage, I would put all of that to one side. We all have facets in our characters which could be deemed unacceptable. Some more than others Wink. Its a distraction at the moment and you need to focus on what has happened to your family over the last month or so. This is about the three of you. If he's a twatt, that won't change. For your own sake, go through the motions and make your own decision about whether you want to be with him, warts and all.

If he wants to change and be together as a family, he will work at it with you. Or not.

tomatoplantproject · 18/05/2015 22:48

Yes I think you might be right. I need to stop overthinking and just be true to myself and dd and observant tomorrow.

Thank you so much for your wise words. You are helping enormously in keeping me steady.

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Nevergrowingup · 18/05/2015 22:57

Thank you. I am sure that your story will silently be helping a lot of women who are in similar situations. Smile x

Christinayanglah · 19/05/2015 07:00

How are you today?

tomatoplantproject · 19/05/2015 07:20

Morning. Am ok. I didn't sleep brilliantly - got about 5 hours which is par for the course at the moment. Am nervous about tonight.

I have just started a new thread!

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