Husband's affair: I have started!

[tomatoplantproject]

I have had my first thread deleted this morning, because I posted too much identifying information and disclosed far too much detail about my plans. However the support I have received so far has been amazing, and I have such a long way to go still.

The story so far: I discovered at the weekend my husband has been having an on/off affair for the last 6 months. He finished it before I discovered the evidence because he had decided to choose me over her.

I have been utterly devastated by this. In my anger I have taken the practical steps I need in order to help secure my long term future (I think).

My final practical step will be to get our home back for dd and me for a while. And then let the dust settle and figure out how to rebuild or recreate my life. With minimal collateral damage to dd.

Please keep holding my hand.

Never - you are helping so much with your clear words. I don't need to see or talk to any of his family right now.

I just hope to god we can play this out with minimum distress to dd.

He may refuse to move out, he cannot legally change locks. That house is the home in which you have cared (far more than him) for your DD, do not think so easily of giving it up. Legally you have far greater claim than him, but once you are out much more difficult to get back.

I know that you have had some discussions re the legal options, but I strongly advise that you see a lawyer, expert in this, asap. Even for a half hour. It commits you to nothing, but helps you see things more dispassionately.

For what it's worth, it seems to me that all of you (who you are talking to), including WOO, are coming from an position that reconciliation is the best, and most likely option. If that is what you want, and it works out, great. But, at this point you should perhaps go for as neutral a position as you realistically can. Somebody completely out of the loop (lawyer) can help you do that.

Also, try to harden yourself and be prepared for things to not get better, but worse as these things never take a linear path. I hate to say it, but given how recent the affair is, he may well be in touch, especially as he can't rely on you emotionally as he is used to. That doesn't mean things are irretrievable, but will make things even more difficult.

Finally, and with the best of intentions. He may well be a good man. But he has had a longish, emotionally invested sexual affair, whilst at the same time making you feel terrible, anxious, and go through a farce of counselling that he was lying through his teeth at. Not a drunken, mistaken ONS. He has shown a degree of calculation, and manipulation you would be foolish to ignore in terms of all aspects of any future relationship.

MrsPav thank you. I'm not going to give up any claims to the house and will fight him tooth and nail. But if I had to make a choice between dd and the house I would choose dd first and then fight for the house and her long term security.

WOO used to be a family lawyer. Her counsel was to let the dust settle and then see a lawyer. But she went through my broad rights and if I need legal support pronto she is only at the end of the phone. She has sat with 100s if not 1000s of couples and has been through similar herself. I am a similar age to her daughter. She is on my team and knows the law inside out.

Just caught up with this, and once again I think you're doing things exactly right. Saving the email until your DD's with you (on Sunday I think?) is very wise - if he then moves out as requested all well and good, but if not you avoid custody issues and a backlash from his toxic mother, who I believe will side with her little prince no matter what. On the same subject I'd definitely resist contacting her ... his family, his problem, and you could always organise contact somewhere neutral if it becomes necessary in future

I also believe you're correct to resist digging for even more dirt; there's plenty as it is, and the vital thing is to concentrate on yourself. Whether he'll use the time to gain any real insight remains to be seen, but at least you're not there to be "worked on" and browbeaten by everyone else's agenda

AS a PP said, your OH is fully formed now; hard as it is to accept, the choices he made aren't some weird aberration but part of HIM and what he's capable of. A very wise lady once taught me that we can do nothing to change the way other people behave - we can only control our response to their actions. As you rightly recognise, this is precisely why uninterrupted time to yourself is so vital, and why he must understand that it's not to be wrecked if any way forward is to be found

In terms of the house, I was thinking more in terms of you and especially your DD having to move out, the disruption to your lives, her nursery schooling etc. That is an additional problem you can do without, there will be change enough as it is.

I'm sure WOO is a SHL, and has your interests at heart. Again, I was thinking more in what sitting down, and setting out the situation, and running through options with somebody who know nothing about you, who wasn't expecting your call/visit. That may be helpful to you, in that you will probably be more objective/dispassionate in this environment. It may help you clarify your thoughts. But, just a thought. You are doing amazingly well.

tomato be aware that he will present his own deluded spin to his parents. How you had been cold and unfeeling, he fell in love with Miss Italy before making the incredibly noble sacrifice to select you and DD. How you are rubbishing his attempts to improve and commit to your relationship - even planning a lovely holiday- and it will be your fault if you split up.

They will still see him as a hero if they want to.

Hi MrsPav - yes you are right about minimum disruption and for that reason I need him to move out. Which is why this is the first big test - see if he can put dd and me first.

I also know that if we can't go home then being at my parents is the next big thing - we quite regularly stay here for a few days at a time so it isn't brand new for her.

I think the rest of dealing with what happens if he doesn't move out I will work on if that does happen. And I also have some ammunition in my plan b which may force his hand

It also occurs to me that when the handover of your DD comes, he may want to treat it as an opportunity for an in depth discussion, even to badger you about how he's "seen the light" in these few days

In view of the imminent email, I'd personally avoid that at all costs if you can - even to the point of taking your DD off somewhere and asking your parents to show him out. Would they be up for that, do you think?

OP I did not see your previous thread, but my God what a horrible situation. I applaud your strength and dignity. Very glad you have your folks to support you. Very wise of you to delay the email too, I really hope he acts appropriately in response and you can get the space and rest you need. Look after yourself, these things are dreadfully draining.

you have been incredibly fair and measured I think for whatever that is worth.

Tomato, such good advice from everyone here and I echo what the others are saying about things getting messier, they will.

But, you are secure in your parent's support and you have had first class legal advice. That in itself is a major plus for you personally. The other plus is that although your DD will be affected, she is still young and less able to be manipulated. Her life is all about routine and security and you are doing everything to maintain that.

When DCs are school age and above, the opportunities for adults to create mayhem in their lives increases and the damage can be life-long. She'll adapt and follow your lead - just choose carefully who you allow to be around her, especially in the next few weeks.

So far, he's doing as you asked and I hope that continues. Just take the next bits as they come. You'll have answers soon enough so try not to overthink where this will go. Just grab any moments of normality and be kind to yourself.

Can i make a comment on two things? feel free to ignore.

Firstly - you say that you aren't sending your email until you have your DD with you. My first thought reading was that was that do you honestly think he might do that? If i thought that even likely that my DP would hand over my DD to me, then i know our relationship would be over, if that makes any sense.

Secondly - you mention that his mother taking care of your DD and enjoying the extra time with her? Is there an issue here? Not giving her extra time but her caring for your DD? Has this been an issue in the past or is it just where your head is at the moment.

I don't have direct experience of this other than being the child in a marriage that went wrong like this.

LEM - very valid questions.

Right now I don't know what to believe about him. A week ago I didn't actually believe he could very nearly leave us for another woman. I expect him to bring her but I can't rely on it. And I can't risk him not bringing her and so I have to wait until I send the email I think.

His mother? I don't know that I do trust her - she is emotionally quite volatile, and I am sure she would like nothing better than a huge amount more access to dd. I am more than happy for them to see dd and we have always stayed with them regularly but my instincts right now are to keep my little girl with me.

It's just so sad that he has made me come out fighting and in such a calculated way. We should have been having a fun and romantic break right now and instead I am walking my parents dog nervous about what he may or may not be up to.

Although so far he has done as I have asked.

And just to add - I don't hugely trust the way I am thinking right now. I am still feeling like adrenaline is pumping through my system and I do not normally behave in such a suspicious and calculating way. I am normally pretty easygoing and would not have any issue with things like his parents looking after dd overnight (they have in fact done so a couple of times for us).

However I do know I need to keep normality going around dd. Mum is my greatest ally at the moment with this - dd adores her and I can rely on her being strong for dd if I am struggling. How things will be once I return home I don't know but I will cross that bridge then.

Overthinking and getting your ducks in a row is not such a bad thing right now. I have always believed in thinking worst case scenario whenever life has thrown things at me. Face that, make plans, then put it to bed, and try to continue dealing with things as and when they happen.

You haven't put a foot wrong so far, and you will benefit from having such self awareness. I'm in awe of you!

I wish i had half of your strength tomato

I'm not sure I am strong. It doesn't feel real.

You do what you feel you need to do to ensure you and dds security

Have just spoken to dd. She looks shattered and I don't think he's had an easy time with her after nursery, which is no bad thing.

He is bringing her on one train and has booked another back straight away. I've just looked and I think there is about 5 mins in between so no chance for talking. Phew.

So far so good.

Good, have you heard from his family?

And I don't have the foggiest idea how he is dealing with this but I have talked and talked and talked it over with my parents. They've been listening to me ranting and talking sadly and planning and all those things that I need to purge my system. He has told me he can't face his parents yet, and I actually don't think he can face me or my parents either which is why he has booked onto a train straight back which has surprised me.

And you will tell me this isn't my problem. Which it isn't. And maybe this demonstrates that he is really ashamed. I don't know.

Christina - not yet. I think mum and dad have been half expecting a phone call from them but I actually think I will get a message from his sister.

Shows what a weak man he is. It might take more than five minutes for you to find them and pick up DD...

Just - it's actually quite a small station so no chance of us missing each other. Not even any turnstiles so I can go straight into the platform. And I think he will just need to run up and over to get his train.

And I actually do want him on the next train back. I want to keep away from him.

Yes. I think he is weak. And no doubt I shall tell him so too.

Tomato, you rock. You really are an inspiration. DD is too young to be proud of you, but one day she will be.