Affair - not sure how to cope part 2

[OpheliaRose]

In my previous thread I found out my husband was having an affair with a girl from work and has decided to leave me for her.

My previous thread is here for anyone who would like to se ether full details Old Thread

Mantras:

"Pop it in an email, I'll get back to you".
He is not the boss of you.
Protect your children.
He's not on your team.
Your silence is your power.

Have you decided whether you will see him later?

Good linking by the way

I wonder if the OW has realised it is his intention to move in with her? That could come as a nasty shock...

Well done on the link, see you can o him he your mind to it

I'd jut ad my voice to hose saying do not sell yourself, or your children, short in any settlement. I don't have personal experience but DH's parent divorced 25 years ago (his dad had an affair with a colleague -teachers- too). His mum was so keen to sever all ties that she didn't fight for a good deal for herself and her sons. As a result now, although she's not in financial trouble thanks to her son's paying her an allowance, she has no real pension to speak of (she relinquished a claim on her husbands to allow for a clean break) whereas he and the OW live the life of riley, swanning off on holidays several times a year and driving flash cars. My DH is quite bitter about the situation his mum has been left in, she gave up a great career as a teacher herself to raise the boys.

Sorry, typing with a bandage on one finger That first sentence should read "see you can do things when you put your mind to it"

Checking in. Agree with delay tactics. Not sure what I think about the joint account and taking half. On the one hand he does need to talk about giving you regular cash as he has totally demolished the goal posts but if you strip the joint account he will no doubt use that against you in any court case.

Put him off for later Ophelia, re read what has been suggested.

It will mess you up to see him again. It's like a burning fire and every conversation/meeting will throw a log on it.

This man really is an ugly swine.

It will be good if the perpetrators move in together. That will kill it in about 4 weeks.

Agree with pp. Don't meet him til you are ready.

Do be as ruthless as you like. You owe this man nothing.

You are doing so well. Just wanted to say I have been thinking of you even though I have no practical advice to offer, but so much of the advice you have been offered on here is brilliant.

Also checking in on new thread - remember how it started - 'I dont know how to cope' Well you are!

I wouldn't meet with him until you are ready and then have everything written down, dont agree to anything and have a third party there. Make it as formal as possible. Dont let him have any control - he tried to take it away from you - now take it back.

Checking in also. Glad to see you're getting angry, use that anger to push you forward. Remember, YOU call the shots now not him. Today is not convenient to talk, ask him to send his proposal and you'll consider it and get back to him. Repeat as necessary.

Following from previous thread. As others have said, don't meet with him if you don't feel like it. He isn't allowed to tell you what he wants you to do

Well done on new thread OP :)

About the money. It ISN'T his. It's family money. Because, if YOU weren't picking up the work at home, HE wouldn't be able to go out and do the work outside of the home at the same time as getting to have a family to come back to. If you weren't there, he'd have had to pay someone a LOT of money to do the job you do.

Please take half - if not more - because there are 4 of you and you are taking the burden for three of them - of YOUR money. And if he queries it, here's your conversation:

'Oh right, so the paper money is yours because you were the one doing the tasks which directly earned that, then? Ok, so the flip side of that would be, I was the one doing the tasks concerned with the children. So the money gets to be kept by you and the children get to be kept by me, and you have no right at all to see them, same as I have no right at all to paper money? Is that good? I'll take my name off the joint accounts and you take your name off the birth certificates, yes? No? They're your family too? Really? Then I'll think you'll find the family finances are similarly joint.'

Leave his stuff on the doorstep, tell him you'll be out (even if you're not) but he can come and collect it. That wanker has lost his right to step foot in your home, don't let him darken your doorstep!

I'd also delay on the financials. Let the discussion happen with SHL. Don't commit to anything yet. Also - as my own husband tells me, you paid my way during maternity leave in sleep deprivation, childcare, chef duties etc. The money in the joint account is just that - joint. If you were filling in an SA tax return you'd have to declare half of it as yours whether it's come to you as wages or not. It's yours.

Found you again.

Argh, this whole situation and his indifference to you and your children makes me want to scream. I cannot believe how callous he is being.

With regards to the joint account, the money is both of yours. I have heard of H's using to lavish gifts/holidays/meals out on the OW and the poor wife seeing it all disappear via online banking. It truly doesnt matter who put the money in, its both your money. In the same breath, if he puts it into OD, it will also be half your debt. You need to act fast.

I could be wrong but I think he sounds like a total narcissist. The way he spoke to your brother was off the scale.

I hope you continue to manage as well as you have so far - you are doing great x

Can you freeze joint account after taking what you need? Will bank accept that due to circumstances, to avoid him spending and possible OD?

Yep before you agree to meet him have every peice of advice given to you by the solicitor and the wonderful people on here on one peice of paper and then every vile, disrepectful thing he has done to you and your children on another - that might help focus his mind a bit.

As for his stuff, I would bag it up and place it outside. You should not be interacting with him, you will be further normalising this horrid situation.

As someone up thread said, "Your silence is your power". You need to completely detach from him and his drama. He wants you to go nuts and scream and shout so he can point and say "See, thats what I had to leave". Dont allow him to use your devastation to his advantage.

I am honestly so glad to hear you are getting angry. Right now, anger and the need to protect yourself and your twins is all you need to do. Dont waste your energy on what H and OW are doing or thinking.

Take care, you are doing so amazing

Your strength is amazing! You are doing brilliantly and I know how you must be feeling. My advice is to avoid contact with your ex and avoid discussing any financial or contact arrangements without discussing it with your solicitor first. Do not let him in the house. Put his clothes outside in a bag and keep the door shut. From my experience my "reasonable" ex became very dominating and abusive when no one was around to witness it. Also It is hard to go back on your agreement of things such as finances once you've reconsidered his offer. Speak with your solicitor. Avoid him. Protect yourself and put yours and your dt's needs first. And.... It is very satisfying sitting back and watching ow get bored of her new catch, dump him and start blowing off some other sucker at work! I wonder if her boss knows she offers such a service in a stationary/cleaning cupboard whilst at work?!?

Sorry, just remembered, one wife requested the police attend when H came to "pick stuff up". They do, if you book with them, just to keep the peace. I would highly recommend this

Just to add....I'm not sure about taking half of the money from his account but you can buy products which the children need and keep receipts as proof it was spent on essentials. Stock up on long life foods, loo roll, washing powder cleaning stuff etc. in the eyes of the court (if it went that far to resolve money conflicts) you have spent the money on essentials for the dt's and not on yourself. I could write a book on all the tricks these guys pull....even down to changing the address on tesco club cards so I didn't get the voucher which I saved up for days out for the dc.. You are doing fab!

Oh and just a thought...full time nursery places for twins would cost about £1200 per month here. You might want to check out the cost with a couple of local nurseries so if he DOES start being awkward about "my money" or "my wages" you can calmly show him how much it would cost him to fund nursery places if you weren't at home.