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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - not sure how to cope part 2

954 replies

OpheliaRose · 23/04/2015 08:58

In my previous thread I found out my husband was having an affair with a girl from work and has decided to leave me for her.

My previous thread is here for anyone who would like to se ether full details Old Thread

OP posts:
bedraggledmumoftwo · 29/04/2015 07:50

Stay strong, you are handling this brilliantly!

Probably time to create a new thread.

shockthemonkey · 29/04/2015 07:51

Dear Ophelia, you are a Rose among roses.

I can't believe this man.

Congratulations on keeping your head, sending you hugs from Paris

Mama1980 · 29/04/2015 08:04

Morning ophelia, did you manage to get some sleep?
You are doing so so well. Your strength and dignity shines through.
x

MerryMarigold · 29/04/2015 08:15

You're doing so well, ophelia. The grief of losing your marriage as well as the grief of losing the man you thought he was. Everything he does shows how little regard he has for you / the kids /other people. He is infatuated with her, but I would not want to be in her shoes when the infatuation stops (3-6 months).

knowledgeispower · 29/04/2015 08:19

#teamophelia SmileWink

Hope you managed to get a good rest. Today I would "brief" close family about the future "handover" plans and what your thoughts are on the way forward. Maybe set up at Netflix account and sort that new phone out too?

Thinking of you.

BoredAdminGirl · 29/04/2015 09:25

Why don't you do him an extra favour? Tell his bosses, that way he wont have to.

I know you worry about your financial situation if he got sacked but I just love the idea of them both suddenly becoming unemployed and signing on together

Unexpected · 29/04/2015 10:16

OP, I have been lurking from the start and wish I could give you a real-life, very un-MNetty, hug. You are an amazing woman who will survive and thrive with the help of friends and family and the love of your lovely children. However, I do not think you should even consider following BoredAdminGirls advice/ The image of your ex and his OW signing on together is not going to feed or clothe you or your twins if this comes to pass. Anyway, depending on his job he may only get a warning or one or other of them will move teams so you will just end up completely antagonising your ex and losing the high moral ground which you are doing so well to hold on to so far.

winkywinkola · 29/04/2015 10:20

Yes, I don't think you need to worry about things not being easy for your h, Ophelia.

It's going to be very hard for him very soon. He will be expecting you to pick up his pieces. As to whether you do that is of course up to you.

But I would avoid being an active part in his downfall.

Wristy · 29/04/2015 10:25

I'm inclined to agree and just leave it now. Concentrate on you an your twins.

I imagine his colleague will not be able to keep her trap shut anyway so chances are it may come out at work soon. Again this is none of your doing, he really needs to face up to the fact that being an utter shithead is going to have severe and far reaching consequences for him and him alone.

Hope you're having an ok morning. Xx

MerryMarigold · 29/04/2015 10:59

Yes, don't actively contribute to his downfall. Perhaps all will be fine. I don't think so. The things you have done - blocking him on facebook, telling those who ask the truth, seeing a solicitor. They are spot on.

I would let him take the kids today. You don't need to prove a point that you're in control. You've been amazing and you have the support of your parents, friends, DB and the MN team helping you along.

HootyMcTooty · 29/04/2015 12:57

Do not tell his work!!! He's unlikely to be sacked and he'll use your actions as an excuse for his poor behaviour and gloat that your plan failed. Don't give him that satisfaction. However, there's nothing wrong with telling family and friends exactly what he's done. Don't go looking for trouble, but likewise you do not owe him to keep his filthy secrets. Has he told his parents?

He and WF are masters of their own downfall, just sit back and watch it happen from a comfortable distance (with popcorn and wine). This affair has all the hallmarks of going horribly wrong, but this man that you are seeing, that's who he is, do not let him back into your life in any capacity except the father of your children. You do not deserve such a shit in your life.

PAYG mobile and separate email folder for his contact is a really great idea. It means you get to control your contact. I love that he's getting wound up by you not responding to him, it shows that he's terrified of losing control over you. He really hasn't thought this through at all, but I don't suppose any man expects to have the full wrath of mn behind is wife when he does this.

LondonRocks · 29/04/2015 13:44

How about this for a nice compromise?

Ophelia: does your boss know about you and Ima Homewrecker yet?

PrickFace: No. Why should s/he? (Or variations thereof)

Ophelia: oh, it's nothing, just wondered... (Arches eyebrow)

You don't have to do a thing. He keeps his job (unless someone else talks). He worries about it getting out - because all he cares about is him and his harlot. And you chalk up a little sliver of satisfaction. He might even leave the job and then you can drop her in it.

But I can be a cow like that.

Hope you're feeling a bit better and eating a bit. Flowers

tumbletime · 29/04/2015 16:02

Hope you're doing okay today Ophelia Flowers

parsnipbob · 29/04/2015 16:19

Ophelia how are you today my lovely?

middlethird · 29/04/2015 17:51

good luck tonight, hope things go well with the twins - it wont be easy xxx

He far exceeds any fuckwittage I have ever come accross...

ScorpioMermaid · 29/04/2015 18:27

De - lurking..
I started reading your first thread last night opheliarose and I cried for you, I honestly did. ive just got to the end of this one. I'm a 30 year old SAHM too so i know what you mean about feeling old.

My DH was having flirtations with a new colleague last year. he was her senior too. We have been together since I was 16 and my legs gave way beneath me when I checked his phone bill and saw the sheer amount of times they were in contact. (obviously there were more.. fb, whatsapp, her contacting him, work phone etc) I was almost sick when I confronted him, tears - snot - the works, he swore nothing happened and that it was just flirting, he'd been flattered by the attention.. like I'd not given him any ?!? and it was instigated by her. I spoke to his colleagues and they confirmed that she was slightly obsessed with him and me as it turns out. he went NC with her and then she went all weird and changed her image to look like me Shock Hmm .. maybe she thought it would win him over.. fuck knows! he changed jobs earlier this year (just used to ignore her calls & msgs etc) and when he did she rang him, I told him to answer, she was just heavy breathing down the phone! he's since blocked her on everything but people we know say that she asks about him a lot. everyone kept telling me she was like 'single white female'.. freaked me right out. I dont think he will be having flirtations again anytime soon. I know it's not like what you're going through but initially it hurt like hell, thinking he'd betrayed our marriage and family for some Ho that he barely knew.

lots of hugs lovely, keep strong for your little beauties xx Thanks

Earsareconstantlyringing · 29/04/2015 18:29

Ophelia, you poor love.

Hope the situation with your cold-hearted husband seeing the twins goes well and you're spared having to see or hear him. Just remember you are worth a million of him, and all of MN will back me up on that.

Sending you much love and strength.

GERTI · 29/04/2015 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 29/04/2015 19:40

Hope you're okay Flowers & Wine

Nannyplum2015 · 29/04/2015 19:50

Reading your threads is so sad. I'm glad you are finding the support of mumsnetters helpful. You can do this, you seem so strong. Is not worth being in a relationship with someone so cold hearted. You don't deserve that.

ClareAbshire · 29/04/2015 20:01

Have you made a new thread ophelia as this one is almost full. I hope his having contact has gone ok.

Weebirdie · 29/04/2015 20:06

Ophelia, your silence is worrying.

Flowers
Mama1980 · 29/04/2015 20:10

Just checking in. I hope you're ok ophelia.

Frizzybear · 29/04/2015 20:16

ophelia I understand your need to get away from everything, just want to know your ok, even if you pm me or one of the other beautiful ladies on here, I'm living the same kind of nightmare and you are never a minute from my thoughts, we have done one week Hun, I actually ate solid food today :) God I hope your ok, you've touched my heart, even though it's broken, these men of ours have lost there bloody minds, hope there happy now

MerryMarigold · 29/04/2015 20:23

Ophelia, I hope you are just having a bit of a break. Sometimes it's too much to think about and you need to switch off for a bit.

You've been doing so well. Don't worry if you feel you have done something 'wrong' (eg. speaking to him or having contact with him). No-one here is going to blast you, we're just here to be an ear and offer advice if you want it.