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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Affair - Not sure how to cope

951 replies

OpheliaRose · 19/04/2015 19:47

I think my DH has cheated / had an affair with a girl from work.

They became facebook friends a few months ago and I thought nothing of it as I know they've worked together for over four years. He moved jobs over a year and half ago which means he now sits in the same office space as this girl. His previous job meant they had daily email and phone contact but DH was in a different office area. His new job puts him in a position which means they no longer need to have daily contact but sit pretty close to each other and occasionally cross paths on projects.

I went to log into facebook on the home PC and realised DH profile was logged on, there was a message from this girl, it was work related but they used a lot of smiles faces / winks, jokes about owing each other and the whole tone is overly flirty. Something didn't sit quite right so I decided to read their past messages and they just didn't flow right and it was suddenly obvious that chunks of conversation had been deleted.

My DH is out at the moment but I'm not sure what to do now. I want to believe its all just innocent but I have thins sick feeling that there is more to it than that. Should I just ask him when he gets in to explain the messages and why it looks like some are missing?

I have to admit i looked at his history on the PC and his Search History on FB he has definitely looked at her profile very recently on FB and the browser history shows he's been looking at her photos almost everyday for the last month or so.

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GERTI · 19/04/2015 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OpheliaRose · 19/04/2015 20:11

He doesn't guard his phone too heavily but it is an Iphone 6 and he has the fingerprint locking function. I didn't even think it was weird he would use that as we have two small children who are obsessed with playing games on our phones so as it was all new and special , a treat for getting promoted, I could understand why he would want to make it secure. He always has his phone on him but i'm used to that from his old job where is boss would often text questions and work at odd times (I saw the messages so I know that was the real reason in his old role) I asked him about it once but he told me it was just habit

He did mention her a lot as previously they worked fairly closely together, after the job change he'd mention her every now and again like i saw "x" today or general anecdotes from work where she would pop up every now and again but as they were friends from his previous job it didn't seem out of place to me. Considering the amount of messages and obvious interest in her to add her on FB and look at her profile so much i'm starting to feel its suspicious how little he's mentioned her recently. They've been working on a project recently so I would have expected to hear more about her I guess.

His working pattern hasn't changed that much, his job is very demanding and often involves working late or the need to work at home but there have been a few occasions where he has had meetings later than normal which he told me was due to lack of availability of meeting rooms during the day so all the meetings for one of his projects have started after 4pm

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mindifidont · 19/04/2015 20:17

Sounds like he most definitely has a affair!

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namechange2015 · 19/04/2015 20:18

Why don't you just say you were looking through the search history for something you'd previously seen & why is he looking at her photos every day?

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Greenrememberedhills · 19/04/2015 20:21

I wouldn't say a word till you have more information. He'll just be alerted to your suspicions and be more careful. Keep looking for evidence. iPhone 6 has fingerprint but a 4 number password over ride.

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OpheliaRose · 19/04/2015 20:27

He has an ipad as well but it got dropped a few months ago so its not been used much in a while, its linked to his Apple ID. Would I be able to see stuff from his accounts on there? It has a pass code but I'm reasonably sure I know what it is unless he's changed it recently

Sorry for the silly question I don't have an iphone or apple stuff I have a Nokia

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Bambino1234 · 19/04/2015 20:41

Hi I'm five months on from this scenario - turned out my ex was at the very least having an emotional affair with a colleague - they both left me and her husband to peruse each other and still are.
Trust your gut.

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OpheliaRose · 19/04/2015 20:53

I've been trying to work out what to do, our twins are in bed and I'm waiting for DH to get home. He should be back in about 20 minutes

I think I'm going to have to ask him about the messages, I've just had another look at their conversations and the browser history. I must be a glutton for punishment. I've been torturing myself looking at pictures of this girl since then. One other thing that strikes me as very odd is I can see in the recent downloads he's saved & downloaded a picture but its not in the download folder any more. When i click open file it just says it cannot be found in that location, its timed and dated during one of their chats.

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GERTI · 19/04/2015 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OpheliaRose · 19/04/2015 22:28

GERTI Thanks for the advice.

I did what you suggested and the outcome was what I suspected. He tried some excuses at first saying he was just looking at pictures because they where from nights out that he wasn't able to go on and some other silly reasons. I've seen the pictures so I know he's not friends with anyone else in them or they are not work related at all!

He admitted they went to a company briefing session a few months ago and sat together, he said they had a such a fun time laughing and joking he realised he's missed speaking to her daily. He said she is a very friendly chatting girl who has a knack for making people feel like they are the only person in the world when talking to them. He told me after the session when they got back to their office he added her on their internal messaging system and they spent all afternoon talking. Apparently they started chatting daily on there but it was always just strictly friends but one day he "tested the waters" and put a flirty comment which she replied too. It seems to have built from there, he added her on Facebook so he could talk to her outside of work.

I asked him if it was just a case of flirty messages at work and on facebook and if that was why some of the messages were missing. He's admitted that at first the messages where just slightly inappropriate flirting but it had escalated to much more. He said they had had sexual conversations over Facebook messenger and when questioned about the picture he admitted he asked her to send him a picture of herself and he sent her some pictures in return.

I asked him straight out of that was all there was to it some talk and one occasion of pictures. He just looked really uncomfortable and told me there is no point lying to me now before admitted it has gone further. He said that a few months ago he was working a bit later than normal and she was still there, their talk had been very flirty and sexual all day. An opportunity arose where they could be alone and he kissed her, he also admitted to some touching. Since that first time it (kissing and touching)had happened a few more times not only that but he told me that end of last month another opportunity came up and they had oral sex just before we went away for our Easter holiday trip and then when he got back to work the next week because it was still Easter and the office was quiet they had had full sex one evening after a late meeting.

He's told me he hasn't had any sexual contact with her since earlier in the week (Tuesday!) but admitted that he still talks to her everyday at work and as I had seen most of the week on facebook even if it was purely about work.

I'm stunned we've been together since end of A levels and have twins who are almost 3. I asked him what it was exactly he wanted, it obviously wasn't a one off thing or lack of judgement since from what he's said he instigated most of it and has been carrying on with it since at least early Feb plus flirty chat before that.

He claims to not know what he wants right now, apparently she is the first, he said they've always got along well but something shifted when they started chatting daily again. He realised he was really attracted to her and thought some harmless flirty would be ok "an ego boast for him" as he described it but he found himself pushing it further and further with the sexting. He told me at first he never had any intention of actual doing anything physical it was all just fantasy and wank fodder but then when he found himself in a situation where it could be a reality and physical he took it.

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namechange2015 · 19/04/2015 22:34

Oh my god so sorry and Angry for you Flowers what a total bastard

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ambientolf · 19/04/2015 22:34

Oh god thats made me feel sick to read. Hope your ok OP x

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OpheliaRose · 19/04/2015 22:40

I feel numb ... I can't understand why he isn't begging me to not leave him. he obviously didn't want to have to tell me about it but he also hasn't said he regrets it and doesn't want to lose our family.

I know everyone says this but he is honestly the last person I would ever ever suspect of cheating.

I can't bare to look at him right now, he told me that he understands how upset I must be so he should give me some space. Apparently its too late to make arrangements to go stay somewhere else so he is going to sleep in the spare room. I guess I should be grateful he hasn't gone to her Sad

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IMurderedStampyLongnose · 19/04/2015 22:43

Oh OP,I only just came across this thread but I wanted to say im so sorry for you.I don't really have any advice,I'm sure you must be in a massive state of shock right now.Maybe you should make him leave right now,give yourself some time to process this.Flowers Hope you're ok.

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HowDoesThatWork · 19/04/2015 22:43

Well done for having that conversation. You are strong.

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ambientolf · 19/04/2015 22:45

It's hard, when I found out my ex-DP cheated I felt like I'd been shot. I curled up & just sobbed & couldn't breathe with grief. Can't imagine what's it's like with your husband especially when you have the kiddies, how could do do this to them? That's what I would be asking myself.

It sounds like he wants out so I would tell him to get his stuff & leave tomorrow. You deserve better Flowers

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IMurderedStampyLongnose · 19/04/2015 22:46

No don't be grateful he hasn't gone to her!!He should be begging your forgiveness,and thankful you are letting him stay in the spare room.Make him leave in the morning,show him you don't need to take his crap.Even if you don't feel strong acting strong might helpFlowers

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DragonsCanHop · 19/04/2015 22:46

Don't be grateful! You didn't do this, he did.

What do you want to do?

Please don't do the pick me dance, find your self respect.

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notapizzaeater · 19/04/2015 22:48

Don't know what to say .... Hope you are ok AngrySad

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Ledkr · 19/04/2015 22:55

He sounds just how my ex was.
He wasn't beging ME to stay either, he seemed unbothered.
You are in shock now and probably terrified of what is around the corner, but don't let that make you weak and desperate, remember he's in the wrong not you so don't let him feel too in control. It's up to you now what happens to your marriage not him.
Whatever happens tho, you will be ok. You can get through this somehow and be happy again.

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BlueDressingGown · 19/04/2015 22:59

I'm really sorry. You're numb now but it's going to hurt later. Get your support system ready - and get him out of the house, at least for now.

He's very quickly going to realise what he's done- he doesn't seem to know it properly yet. And more often than not, the woman who's got a few cheap thrills from gropes and sex with a married office guy are NOT prepared for married office guy to tell his wife and turn up on her doorstep in a bundle of drama, so don't feel grateful about him staying and not going to her.

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OpheliaRose · 19/04/2015 22:59

I always thought cheating would be a deal breaker for me but I know other couples who have got past it so earlier when I thought it was just some inappropriate messages possibly some pictures at worst I'd almost convinced myself that I could still make it work.

I just can't understand who this man is. He is not the man I married [Sad] he wasn't cruel or rubbing it in my face when he told me. I did demand all the details and I could see he felt uncomfortable but it wasn't the remorseful "I want to save our marriage" conversation I'd expect after 12 years together!!

ambientolf I think I feel like I've been shot too and my body just doesn't know how to cope with it. I want to yell and scream at him why her what's so special about her you'd betray me like that and ruin our family life

I walked past the spare room a few minutes ago and he was sat there on his phone. I've shut myself in my room but all I can think is he must be talking to her. Is he telling her I know and they need to end it!?

I won't be able to sleep now ... I feel so humiliated as well. I've not actually met this girl but I've met other work friends of his on socials and company dinners who are also friends / still work really closely with her. Do they all know about this affair!? I feel like these people have been laughing at me behind my back for months.

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IMurderedStampyLongnose · 19/04/2015 23:04

None of these people matter,even if they do know they probably just think he is a twat for doing this.Try not to think about what he is doing,think about what you want,you and the children are the important ones here.You deserve better than this.

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LaurieFairyCake · 19/04/2015 23:10

He's not in trying to save his marriage mode because he has already emotionally left you for her Sad

This happened to me. I was sat there saying what about the last 15 years and he barely looked phased. He had already some weeks before taken up with her.

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BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 19/04/2015 23:10

Ophelia my heart goes out to you.

I was in this position 2 years agoSad.

Take the control sweetheart and you MUST tell him to get his stuff together in the morning and leave.

You need some space. He needs consequences.

I can honestly say that asking my DH to leave when I found out was the best thing I ever did ....I drew a lot of confidence from that decision and it let ME be in control. If your relationship has a future it must only be on your terms.
Sending hugs.

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