Affair - not sure how to cope part 2

[OpheliaRose]

In my previous thread I found out my husband was having an affair with a girl from work and has decided to leave me for her.

My previous thread is here for anyone who would like to se ether full details Old Thread

Ophelia, I have been following your thread from the beginning and just wanted to offer my support. You truly are having an awful time of it and, although it does not feel like it at the moment, you WILL come out stronger and better.

From what you have said it appears your DH's feelings to OW are not deep rooted. I think he has been caught up in the moment with a woman who has a lot of male attention and he has got a massive ego boast in the fact that she has "chosen" him. From what you have described it sounds like it is more lust than love. His feelings appear to be based on material things - her looks and the fact that other people "fancy" her.

I don't think this will last. The newness and thrill of it all will wear down and normalise and he is going to wake up one morning, whether that be in a day, week, month, year, and the reality will hit him like a tonne of bricks.

In relation to your house, please don't worry about this. Even though he bought the house before you were married, because you both lived in the house as a married couple it is considered by the courts as the matrimonial house and will comprise within the matrimonial property you have accumulated together during the marriage. Therefore, you have as much right to it as him.

I hope this is of some help xx

OP before you see him you need to log onto the computer and find any other possible evidence. You also need to print off the evidence you've already got but whatever you do DONT delete/throw out anything you can use against him.

If he wants to meet up and chat, make him come over at a time that YOU suggest. Never agree to a time he asks for, because he'll see it as you agreeing with him and going along with what he's requesting.

Don't meet up just one on one. If you can, always have somebody else with you.
Make out as if you're going out seeing friends etc not thinking about him at home. He wants to think you're desperate for him to come home. Whether you are or aren't, don't let him think that.

Personally I would take out exactly half of the money in the joint account and then take your name off it. If he were to get in any debt with that account you would also be liable.

I don't want to scare you or tar your ex with the same brush as mine but please be one step ahead. Your ex will want you to cooperate to keep things easy for him, your fabulous strength will become a threat and he will become frustrated and angry. Consider your safety. Regardless of whose house it is or isn't you are entitled to change the locks if you feel unsure about his current mind and odd behaviour. An angry man will do anything to cover his tracks. Believe me. If you lost your keys you would have to change them or use a back door etc if he doesn't have the key and chain the front.

Hi Ophelia,

Been lurking, but wow, you've had a crap time and are doing so well.

I've been there too. PLEASE do not let him into the house. Equally, assuming he has keys to the house, PLEASE lock away / take to your parents house any laptops / ipads / documents that you don't want him having access to.

Also, don't trust him with the joint account. Mine was emptied. It takes a long time to sort the divorce and financial resolution.

Be super strong, hold your head high and move forward.

I don't really have anywhere to lock stuff away he won't see or have access too.

I have emailed myself all the info from the PC and will keep the bit of paper he had the details of his secret email Account (which I'm still obsessing over the idea that I should try and get into it). I guess I'll have to take all the important papers on my handbag tonight

Do you have a car you could lock this away in? Is there any way you could bolt the front door and go out the back door (assuming he doesn't have a key) and just leave his things out to collect?

Can you store the documents at your brother's place in future? (take them out with you tonight if you don't have time to get it sorted first), or at your parents' place?

Take the paperwork with you and ask DB to keep it (or your parents). Take screen shots of messages etc and email them to yourself.

If you can change as many passwords as possible...especially the one for the computer. If you don't have a password then put one on it.

My DH works in IT and we used to have an admin log in and a normal log in on our PC.

Also, staying one step ahead of him it will be essential that you only communicate via text/email. That way you will have a record for SHL.

OpheliaRose Keep going, as us Geordie's say, your doing Belta. He probably thinks he's going to come to your's and you will be begging him to come back, he probably said to Strumpet 'oh dear im dreading going round OpheliaRose's tonight, she will probably beg me to come back' because im obviously irrisitable not but your not even in wonder if he notices the new pics if you get them up

two things:

You Are Amazing

He Is A Fucking C*NT

(I am so angry on your behalf OP)

*irresistible

*I don't really have anywhere to lock stuff away he won't see or have access too.

I have emailed myself all the info from the PC and will keep the bit of paper he had the details of his secret email Account (which I'm still obsessing over the idea that I should try and get into it). I guess I'll have to take all the important papers on my handbag tonight*

Just take everything you don't want him to have access to - to a 'safe house' - your parents, your brother, a friend. Just get it all out today and away.

He can come into that house any time you aren't there. He could come at the weekend (when you are at your parents) he was living there until Monday and he still has keys, his belongings etc. there. He can walk in and out any time you aren't around.

Don't take any chances - get everything out that you don't want him seeing/going through.

You need to stay one step ahead of this fucker at all times. Difficult I know, as he's got such a head start, but you're catching up!

He is so fucking awful I hate him on your behalf. I'm concerned that he might just pick up and take the whole computer with him. And he might not just want clothes, but other things that you know are yours, but he has now decided are his. He shouldn't be in the house alone and your DB must keep a close eye on him if he meets him there. Personally I would go with losing the key and getting locks changed option.

Well done on involving your brother tonight. If your brother does meet him at the house make sure your brother knows to not let him out of his sight and make it clear what items (computer) are not for him to take. He should only be taking his clothes and personal things not family possessions.

Do not put anything past him, he has shown that he has no consideration for anyone but himself.

He chose to leave so he does not get to dictate when he comes round, when he gets his things and what those things are. Deal with him on your terms and if he doesn't like it tough shit, there are consequences to his dreadful treatment of you.

Completely agree with changing the locks. I'd do it today. He now knows you're going out for curry later, nothing is stopping him from coming home while you're out and clearing everything he wants to take.

I never normally post on a thread more than a few times. The complete unfairness of the situation keeps playing on my mind & drawing me back. Goodness knows how you're focussing OP, but well done for doing do.

DownWithThisTypeOfThing, I am exactly the same. The sheer unfairness of the how the OP has had her life turned upside down is really making me take this personally. I have had a browser window open waiting for updates whilst working today :(

OP, you are doing truly amazing. If you could get that lock changed ASAP, i think everyone on this thread will take a collective sigh of relief

I feel sick to the bottom of my stomach reading what has happened to you. What a cunt to put it mildly. The deceit ... Its grim. I'm so angry on your behalf!

OP, I know someone who affixed a sliding bolt to the front door to keep it shut and, knowing that their ex didn't carry a back door key, came and went by the back door instead. They'd temporarily mislaid the front door key you see (those pesky toddlers) - and were worried about security. Although never actually had to use this explanation they were prepared.

Is this something that would work?

This is what you need a solicitor for - to find out what you can/can't or should/ shouldn't do both legally and how actions could be perceived.

SignoraStronza that's a really good idea! I've been worry about it all afternoon but that would work in our house. Thank you

Thank you everyone it means so much to me to have such amazing support in what is what is the worst time in my whole life. I just can't believe Sunday night I went to bed thinking how lucky I was and planning for the future(including a Pinterest board on a new baby) and now I feel like my house has been bombed.

It's been a tough afternoon I've felt very low and just like I'm not sure how to start rebuilding my life. Sounds silly but I'm actually a bit nervous to go out this evening.

I've made contact with the solicitor I liked and set up an appointment for Monday to start sorting that element out.

Well done Ophelia.
superb.

cheering you on.