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Original poster

Affair - not sure how to cope part 2

954 replies

OpheliaRose · 23/04/2015 08:58

In my previous thread I found out my husband was having an affair with a girl from work and has decided to leave me for her.

My previous thread is here for anyone who would like to se ether full details Old Thread

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 23/04/2015 11:02

OP, I have read all of your posts and a few of the others.

The main thing which leaps out at me is how nice and decent you think he is, and how un-decent and un-nice he really is. I wonder how long he has been deceiving you, or if he's really had a recent personality change, or what. His attitude towards you is unforgiveable, unkind and beyond contempt. His lack of compassion, remorse for the hurt he's caused you, and will cause his children. His attitude of calling the shots instead of asking what is best for you, and how he could help you. The way he spoke to your brother after what he's done Shock. All these are on top of the adultery, and in my opinion, are even worse than shagging someone from work as they don't just reveal a weakness but a deep personality problem. I know you may not be ready to hear this, but I think you and your children are better off without him in the long run. You may start seeing things about him which have been there for a while, the old MN 'red flags'.

I had an affair when I was at work, and was very young and ridiculous. I know how people can get into these things. I think I could forgive it. I couldn't forgive how your H has treated you though. The guy I had the affair with did end up leaving his wife, but he was pretty broken and his attitude was totally different to your H's here - not to condone his behaviour and I am extremely glad I never married him, but just to show it is possible to do some pretty awful things and still be sorry, and communicate the remorse.

There are levels and levels of deceit, control and a total lack of concern for anyone else, or any remorse, which shock me quite deeply. Checking out of the marriage a while ago is no excuse whatsoever and his ability to detach is actually very, very scary.

Cherryapple1 · 23/04/2015 11:02

I wouldn't trust him in the house alone tbh.

Dumdedumdedum · 23/04/2015 11:03

Well done - but I also think you are being too trusting letting him have sole access to the house to fetch his stuff. You never know, as I think was mentioned on the other thread, he might decide to change the locks. Please remember, this is not the trustworthy man you loved and were in a good relationship with for many years. This is someone else who has been planning to leave you and your children in the lurch for a while and is expecting an easy ride and to get his own way. Either stay in (with company) and put his stuff in bags or cases on the doorstep, or go out but leave someone trusted behind to make sure he doesn't do anything untoward. Protect yourself, he's not going to.

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 23/04/2015 11:12

Oh MerryMarigold that is EXACTLY what I've wanted to put into words but haven't been able to.

Yes yes yes to everything you have said.

This isn't a nice man who is momentarily gone off the rails (hence why I was querying the single name on the house). There is something badly wrong with his entire person.

laurierf · 23/04/2015 11:12

I think you're right to go out and not see him. I don't think you should see him and he's not going to change the locks. But do protect all the evidence that you need - email yourself copies and screenshots of anything that is on the computer and can get deleted etc. Set up a new email account for that, so you don't have to look at it each time you log onto your normal emails, but know exactly where it is if you need to find it. Maybe give the paper evidence, kids passports, birth certificates etc. to your brother…?

Fontella · 23/04/2015 11:17

Great post Merry

HollyJollyDillydolly · 23/04/2015 11:17

I agree with he other posters. I'd be very wary of letting him have access to the house alone. He is not a nice person, he is not to be trusted.
Well done organising to go out though, you show him you won't be sitting at home pining away for him (inside you might feel like you are but he doesnt have to know)!

He will not live happily ever after with OW, whereas you will move on and be happy and find someone who is worthy of your love.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 23/04/2015 11:19

I hadn't even considered he's do anything bad when in the house ... after read all your be t helpful post I asked DB to text him and say either he'll Whatever he needs over or he can meet him at the house so they can have that catch up dh had mentioned. He said he would and also tell DH it would have to be at x time as he is meeting me and friend for dinner.aling it clear DH will need to work to my shedual

OP posts:
Ratfinkandbobo · 23/04/2015 11:19

I second that he shouldn't ve in the house alone. Given his contemptuous and reprehensible behaviour I wouldnt trust him AT ALL, get your brother to facilitate handover. Or better still change locks and email, your shit is in the bin bags in the garden!

RubbishMantra · 23/04/2015 11:19

Every time I come back to your thread Ophelia, I'm more shocked at the way this wanker has treated you in such a casually cruel way.

And like everyone has said, he is not your friend anymore. You wouldn't treat one of your friends this way, I'm certain of that. Please don't allow him into the house unaccompanied. He's proved himself to be untrustworthy, in spades. Send a polite, detached message instructing him to email what he needs, and bag it up, leave it outside. He doesn't get to call the shots.

Have you contacted any counsellors yet? Will help you work through the shock and grief and horror of what's happening to you. From what I've read, he's been emotionally abusing you for years. Insofar as he thinks it's OK to post photos of him and OW on social media. Yet tell you he's "disappointed" in you. What a fucking arse. May not seem like it now, but you will look back and realise what a lucky escape you had.

I didn't get married until my early 40's to my lovely DH, who is nearly a decade younger than me, You're still a fit young hottie!

And my heart goes out to you love. You're doing bloody well.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 23/04/2015 11:20

Sorry bad typing! I'm trying to walk to the shops and message

OP posts:
Cherryapple1 · 23/04/2015 11:21

Don't tell him you are going out for dinner - he may pop back and let himself in when you are gone.

bendybrickpumpkinpatch · 23/04/2015 11:22

Well done !!!!

Take ownership of this. That cheating bastard has the fucking cheek to just decide he can come round and collect his stuff, while acting like he hasn't a care in the world.

You need to summon every bit of your anger. Cry your tears at night and bit by bit night by night they will get less.
In the meantime ROAR !!!
FUCK HIM!!! This is about YOU now !!!

laurierf · 23/04/2015 11:25

Ophelia - there is nothing to stop him coming round another time, so would probably still think about how to protect evidence and the things in your home you want protecting (storing stuff safely somewhere, perhaps at your brothers, and a new private email account).

So glad your brother is there to support you and that he knows the full story before H starts spinning his bullshit.

Fontella · 23/04/2015 11:25

I'm trying to walk to the shops and message

I hope you're going to buy those new pictures to put up to replace the ones of him, if he meets your bro at the house.

That will get him right where it hurts Ophelia. It send out such a strong message honestly, worth more than a thousand words! He thinks you're pining and weak .. show the fucker that you're not.

Stick a few Hugh Jackman topless shots up haha! Coming out of the surf on Bondi beach in his trunks! Only kidding. Grin

Just make sure all the pics with him in them are gone. It will take the wind out of his sails I promise you!

Dumdedumdedum · 23/04/2015 11:25

OpheliaRose, you are doing so well. (Apologies if that sounds patronising, it is meant to be impressed.) Am so glad you have your brilliant brother on your side and physically able to help you out.

Lambzig · 23/04/2015 11:32

Ophelia, I have just read both threads. I think you are amazing and quite clearly worth 10 of your H.

As for his mother, dear lord, you can see where he gets his callousness from, that must have been awful.

You are doing so well. My exH left me at 30 and I thought my life was over, that I wouldn't ever have children and would be on my own forever. I had a couple of years of fun dating, then met DH - unfortunately we struggled with infertility, but I had DD at 42 and DS at 46. Your life is far from over, you have lots of lovely adventures to come.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 23/04/2015 11:33

I am trying to find somewhere to buy new pictures. My friend also emailed me a ton of photos from her phone of us and other friends having fun so I can print them out and replace so of the family pictures. She said she got some from other friends who don't know yet under the house she was making me a present.

Going to go into the hair dresser this afternoon and see if they can do my hair tomorrow ... Don't trust a dye kit and myselfGrin

I still feel Broken down bug I need to try and be strong. Fake it until you make it Confused

I guess he can access the house whenever he likes I hadn't even considered he'd do that tho as he's too busy with OW

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 23/04/2015 11:37

Insofar as he thinks it's OK to post photos of him and OW on social media. Yet tell you he's "disappointed" in you.

^This. Such detachment. This is how people manage to murder others in cold blood and feel nothing.

MerryMarigold · 23/04/2015 11:39

I hadn't even considered he'd do that tho as he's too busy with OW

I think he would consider it if he thinks there is anything which could affect the finances or the integrity his 'story'. He would certainly try and delete the wank picture, wouldn't you?

TurnipCake · 23/04/2015 11:40

Something that helped me after an awful break up was a naice new scented candle to purge out their scent

Good idea re: the hair, it's lovely to have someone else do it for you

Your friend sounds amazing, what a great network behind you

HobartPaving · 23/04/2015 11:45

He sounds like a sociopath...

A friend went through a very similar situation and at least had the decency to feel like an utter shit. To this day 5 years later he still doesn't post any photos of OW on his Facebook out of respect for his son and his mother. He also dithered a lot at the time, wondered if he was making a mistake etc. I have no sympathy for him obviously but it wasn't exactly an enjoyable experience for him either and the new relationship was kept low key, however it has lasted 5 years and seems strong.

In contrast an affair at work which was very much an infatuation fizzled out very shortly after it was revealed in a blaze of glory. It all ended very much in tears and the guy ended up losing his job. Twatface and wank Fodder's affair sounds very much like this one to me. To be so absolutely sure and brazen is very much teenage infatuation rather than the meeting of true love.

Again take no notice of all the talk of being turned on etc. After 12 years he's forgotten that he felt exactly the same with you apart from the illicitness, that's where the excitement is coming from.

Also bear in mind, the more he undermines your own sexual confidence the less confident you will be to go out and meet someone. It will suit him very well for you to remain single and not introduce a new father figure to your children. Tell him you're looking forward to the chance of being sexually fulfilled yourself for the first time in 12 years!!

TheRainDrops · 23/04/2015 11:48

De-lurking to say I have zero knowledge of how to handle this sort of situation or anything useful to add but just wanted to tell you Ophelia that you are an incredible woman and that shit of a "D"H of yours (the D is for dickhead in my head) never deserved you.
Give him hell lady, we're all behind you Flowers and a Dragon for firepower!

FructoseTart · 23/04/2015 11:49

You are married therefore all money is joint money. You need to take whatever you believe is sufficient enough for you and DC to live on.

He is such a twunt.

In regards to being friends - like OW and her ex - me and my Ex are very good friends and go to events together if it is to do with DD. We get on well now 5 years on but there was no cheating.

Go to your mums house this weekend, give yourself a break from the house.

It's a long road from here but I'm glad you had a good night sleep last night! Flowers

Phoenix0x0 · 23/04/2015 11:51

Great news about your hair! Well done.

You may well at this time feel like a a broken down bug but you are not.

Like you say, fake it until you make it.

I love the fact that DB will accompany him/meet him....I bet the arsehole wasn't expecting that at ALL.

Agree with PP, take down the pics and replace with others.

I would also, change the password on the computer/email/facebook/bank so that he can't log on to it or access it. I would send those pics you found to your email address (maybe get another).

If he texts you again about DB accompanying him etc. Ignore.ignore.ignore.

Oh and think of a nickname and refer to him on here/your phone contact as that....it will help you to detach.