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Original poster

Dp and his groping.

198 replies

DextersMistress · 06/03/2015 09:17

Had a thread recently about different sex drives. This is the number 1 problem in our relationship.
This morning we were both in the kitchen, him getting ready for work, me doing breakfast for dc, putting washing on etc. Everytime I was close to him he groped me. Grabbed my bum as I was leaning down putting clothes in the washer, my boobs as I'm buttering toast. Hand down the front of my pjs, you get the picture.
This is something he's always done, and if I tell him to get off he says I'm a 'bore'. Today I told him he was out of order, get the fuck off me, I'm sick of this all the time. He responded by saying there's something wrong with me, he's just acting normal, normal couples act like this and maybe I should marry a monk.
I'm fucking sick of it. I love the nights he works away as I can go to bed when I want and not get mithered. It's not normal is it?

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 06/03/2015 09:19

No. Not at all.

hotblacktea · 06/03/2015 09:20

no, it's not normal
it's sexual abuse, call the police

Stoatystoat · 06/03/2015 09:24

No, it's not normal.

I would hate this.

Ohfourfoxache · 06/03/2015 09:24

Not normal at all.

He sounds bloody disgusting - has he always been like this?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/03/2015 09:26

It's not normal. There's affectionate, there's unwanted attention and there's downright disrespect. No means no..... and if he claims not to understand that, he's got a serious problem. If he insults you into the bargain, says there's something wrong with you, he's a nasty, woman-hating piece of work.

HelenaVagBasket · 06/03/2015 09:29

My ex always used to do this, it was horrible. If I complained he called me frigid and said that I made him feel like a dirty old man (he was) and would then be in a mood with me. I am now divorcing him and it is so nice to be able to do a simple thing like load the dishwasher without being groped. I am not on edge all the time anymore - you shouldn't be either.

Drew64 · 06/03/2015 09:29

Well, It's sometimes cheeky and is ok for some couples.

I wouldn't exactly say I was groping but on occasion I do give my wifes bottom a cheeky squeeze (she does have a nice bottom - tmi?) or wrap my arms around her and kiss her neck while she id cooking/ironing
She does the same to me.

Continual and unwanted though is a different matter.

I don't know wether you have discussed this in the past but maybe you should have had a sensible talk about it before needing to resort to

"told him he was out of order, get the fuck off me"

Have a talk about it, what your limits are or if you want the attention to stop entirely.

A quick peck on the cheek to tell you he loves you rather than 'groping' maybe.

Or

Would you rather anything like that be reserved for a more appropriate time.

Or

You just don't like that sort of attention, can you find another way of showing affection.

All I'm saying is that it's neither right or wrong, it depends on you and what YOU like.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/03/2015 09:33

'it's neither right or wrong'

Really?.....Hmm So if you were standing in the street and a random woman came over and groped you, neither of you would be right or wrong? Just because the OP is in a relationship with this creep, it doesn't give him the right to grab her without permission.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/03/2015 09:33

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Why are you together?.

And no, this is not normal loving behaviour at all on his part.

MythicalKings · 06/03/2015 09:34

Nothing the matter with it if both parties enjoy it. If one doesn't and asks the other to stop and the other persists it's abuse.

Horrible.

MinceSpy · 06/03/2015 09:34

Your relationship sound very unhappy - for both of you.

gatewalker · 06/03/2015 09:34

He is ignoring your boundaries, and is completely out of consent.

I also feel that what he is doing is passive aggressive in the extreme (and not that passive either).

Your response, while understandable, is only going to pour fuel on that aggression. I would state, very calmly and clearly, what you will not tolerate and take it from there. You are both skirting around a far larger issue that is probably best addressed directly. If he can't handle it, then that's his problem, and at the very least you'll be able to make more informed decisions.

HelenaVagBasket · 06/03/2015 09:35

It is wrong. I doubt the OP went straight to shouting at him to fuck off either.

HelenaVagBasket · 06/03/2015 09:39

If you are in a loving relationship and both on the same page then that is fine, but when you don't appreciate being grabbed and groped when you are just standing in the kitchen it is horrible and makes you feel violated. This dh is doing nothing to help the op's sex drive.

Stoatystoat · 06/03/2015 09:40

drew there is a world of difference between showing affection with a kiss or a bottom pats - which I would and do find acceptable - and the kind of pawing that the op is referring to. You can tell whether it's affectionate or downright territorial and aggressive. The hand down the pyjamas in particular. That's not a gentle flirty way of showing affection. That's invasive.

AndWhenYouGetThere · 06/03/2015 09:41

It's not the action thats the problem, it's the lack of consent/participation.

He's doing it TO you, and he doesn't care that you don't want it. That's the red flag here!

Hathall · 06/03/2015 09:43

I'm going to go against the grain and suggest that it might be his way of trying to connect with you.
He's probably emotionally immature and thinks that giving you a quick grope is his way of saying 'I want some/give some affection'
Maybe he didn't learn how to give affection as he was growing up?
Him saying 'you're a bore' is probably defensive.
What's he like otherwise?
Of course, I could be on the wrong track.

Rjae · 06/03/2015 09:44

I think it's a revolting way to carry on. No one has 'rights' over your body except you, and if anyone is doing this against your wishes they have no respect for you. My ex was the same and couldn't understand my loathing of it. I never minded an affectionate hug or kiss but it was always grabbing and squeezing my boobs etc. I did the same to his balls once but it didn't stop it! He too called me cold and unaffectionate.

It's all about not respecting your body or listening to your wishes. It's doesn't say much for him or the future of your relationship. I don't think you are at all alone in this.

Original poster
DextersMistress · 06/03/2015 09:46

I didn't shout and swear straight away. I said can you stop groping me. He said I can't help it and you never used to mind. I said well I do now.
He said 'here we go' with an eye roll and went on his favourite rant of how he has to do things because if it was left to me then nothing would ever happen. I asked if he was expecting something to happen right there in the kitchen while dc were in the next room? He said no, but you know what I mean. That's when I swore.
The 'never used to mind' comments refer to years ago btw.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/03/2015 09:48

Is this really what you want to teach your children about relationships?. You're showing them that this treatment of you is currently acceptable to you.

Hathall · 06/03/2015 09:49

Op are you less affectionate and tactile than your dp? Do you think it might be his clumsy way if asking for affection?

cleanmyhouse · 06/03/2015 09:49

I want to say it's not normal if it's something you dislike. But actually it's just really inappropriate. You're not a bore.

But - have you always felt this way about him touching you or is it something more recent? I know when I haven't been happy, no touching has been appreciated and enjoying going to bed myself so I don't have to deal with him is a very bad sign for the relatonship in general.

Hathall · 06/03/2015 09:50

Btw I don't think it's ok. It's horrible but just trying to help you figure out if there's a good way to resolve it.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 06/03/2015 09:51

FFS
The OP has said clearly she doesn't want or like it. Unwanted and non-consensual sexual touching is assault, when it happens over time within a relationship it's sexual abuse.
What it is NOT is - ok, a way of showing affection, an immature attempt to connect.
What is IS is - sexual assault, sexual abuse and illegal.
OP, he doesn't respect your boundaries or your bodily autonomy. Time to call it a day?

cailindana · 06/03/2015 09:51

DH and I are quite "gropey" but only because we both like it and it is totally mutual. I have in the past asked him to stop when I've not been feeling up to it and he has, no problem, with no sulking. That's how it works - it's totally optional, supposed to be enjoyable and anyone can make it stop at any time without punishment.

How is the relationship in general? Is it worth having a serious talk about this/going to counselling or is this the last straw on the pile?