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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp and his groping.

198 replies

DextersMistress · 06/03/2015 09:17

Had a thread recently about different sex drives. This is the number 1 problem in our relationship.
This morning we were both in the kitchen, him getting ready for work, me doing breakfast for dc, putting washing on etc. Everytime I was close to him he groped me. Grabbed my bum as I was leaning down putting clothes in the washer, my boobs as I'm buttering toast. Hand down the front of my pjs, you get the picture.
This is something he's always done, and if I tell him to get off he says I'm a 'bore'. Today I told him he was out of order, get the fuck off me, I'm sick of this all the time. He responded by saying there's something wrong with me, he's just acting normal, normal couples act like this and maybe I should marry a monk.
I'm fucking sick of it. I love the nights he works away as I can go to bed when I want and not get mithered. It's not normal is it?

OP posts:
TheoriginalLEM · 06/03/2015 10:13

I understand that attilla, but the question in my mind is why doesn't the OP like her DP to do it? This might be something about the relationship in general, so how she really feels about him or how he is with her other than the groping. I sure as hell wo9udlnt like my DP to grope me if we had just had a row for instance. I am not sure i would want to be with someone if them touching me caused me distress, for whatever reason.

Original poster
DextersMistress · 06/03/2015 10:13

I realise that atilla sorry, my reply was to oddfodd.
There has been dv in the past. That stopped before dc though.
We are together because apart from the sex issue we get along great. He's a good father, works hard, helps people out. He is actually a nice person when his dick isn't involved.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/03/2015 10:14

"Our relationship in general is fine, he works a lot, I'm a sahm"

I used to work for a misogynistic throwback arsehole (hope I'm not overselling him here...) and he used to tell a 'joke' that went as follows.

What does 'WIFE' stand for?..... Washing, Ironing, Fucking, Etc.

I'd be worried that, like my ex boss, he sees you (and maybe all women, who knows?) as a domestic appliance with conveniently handy genitals rather than a person in your own right. It's an attitude thing... not so much 'libido'.

OddFodd · 06/03/2015 10:14

I thought if you were in the kitchen doing breakfast for your children, you meant they were in the room. Sorry for misunderstanding you.

He still sounds horrible. Your body isn't his property because you're his wife. He has no respect for you. He doesn't care if you don't like it - he's going to do it anyway.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/03/2015 10:15

Indeed LEM. That is why I also asked the OP if he has ever been violent towards her in the past.

currentnameinuse · 06/03/2015 10:15

I would disagree that he is a good father. And history of DV - well, isn't this behaviour just another form of control and ownership, and yes a type of abuse. Just more insidious don't you think?

Drew64 · 06/03/2015 10:16

Granted - I've missed the other thread. I'm just posting on this one.

The question was;

"It's not normal is it?"

The answer is;

For some couples it is!

Every one of you has missed where I said;

"it depends on you and what YOU like"

And quite how my post is pointless I've no idea as I have suggested that rather than it getting to the point where the OP has to say

"him he was out of order, get the fuck off me"

That they need to talk, as sensible adults about, in this instance, shows of physical affection and seemingly about their differing sex drives.

Not talking with each other and letting things get to the point where the OP has to snap at her DP is a recipe for failure which I am sure neither wants!

Quite how advising communication is pointless I have no idea???

HappenstanceMarmite · 06/03/2015 10:17

"Hello? Is that the Police?! I want my husband arrested immediately for grabbing my arse when I bend over to load the washing machine!"

Good luck with that.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/03/2015 10:17

"There has been dv in the past"

Oh dear..... Physical domestic abuse often mutates into non-physical abusive behaviour. It's all about keeping control and isn't that what he's trying to do here? Ignore your wishes and be in control? A 'good father' doesn't treat his children's mother with disrespect.

currentnameinuse · 06/03/2015 10:18

If a man has been violent in the past it can be difficult to communicate with him for fear he will flip out. I am sorry, but a man being affectionate is a world away from a man who gropes and assaults you after you have told him, possibly many times, to stop. For him then to say there is something wrong with you for not welcoming his assault - on what planet is that ever acceptable?

GoatsDoRoam · 06/03/2015 10:19

every argument stems from this.

If he argues with you about what you prefer to do with your own damn body, then he clearly has a hard time seeing you as a person in your own right. He probably has it firmly in his mind that sex is what you are for, hence his shitty behaviour and shittier reaction when you protest.

You are a person, Dexter. You are not there "for" sex or anything else.

Anybody who thinks like that about you is very dangerous for you to be around.

pocketsaviour · 06/03/2015 10:20

It does sound as if he feels totally entitled to touch you whenever and wherever he wants, OP. He "can't help it"? Hmm Yeah okay mate, whatever. God I hate that phrase. Unless he's lost control of his bodily functions and is having a seizure and happens to grab your butt with his flailing arms, yes he can fucking well help it.

If things are, as you said, okay in other areas, would you consider counselling with him?

StayGoldPonyBoy · 06/03/2015 10:21

It's not affectionate, it's disrespectful and if you are feeling uncomfortable it needs to stop.

There's nothing wrong with a cheeky bum squeeze on the sly when it's meant well and wanted by the other person, but the fact he is implying there's something wrong with you for not wanting him pawing you constantly says a lot about him and how little he thinks of you.

DH and I both have high libidos, that doesn't mean we have to constantly touch eachother at all times. It wouldn't turn me on even a little bit to have hands down my pants when I'm trying to make breakfast!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/03/2015 10:21

I was not altogether surprised to read that he had been previously violent towards you. That is about power and control as well. He still wants to exert that over you now through groping.

Have you ever felt that you made the decision to stay back then and as a result, particularly now that there are children involved, feel that you need to stay with him now?.

No Dexters, he is NOT a good father to his children if he continually gropes you without your prior consent. I think he feels that he still owns you, you're his property.

How else actually do you get along great apart from this?. What nice things does he do for YOU as a person. All this about he "works hard, helps people out" is primarily for other people, what does he do for you?. I am certain as well that he puts on a great front for all those in the outside world, it is behind closed doors that his true nature emerges.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/03/2015 10:24

"Good luck with that"

I know you think you're being funny..... but sexual abuse is distressing and it is an offence. Long term exposure to unwanted & inappropriate sexual behaviour can lead to depression, low self-esteem, anxiety and all kinds of problems. So whilst the police might not be interested in this per se I don't think it's helpful to belittle the OP's feelings.

pocketsaviour · 06/03/2015 10:24

X-post: didn't see that there has ben prior incidents of DV. Do you feel this abusive behaviour is another facet of the same thing, OP?

OddFodd · 06/03/2015 10:25

Drew, your post is pointless because:
a) you assumed that she's never ever told him she doesn't like it, just put up with it for ages and suddenly out of nowhere told him to get the fuck off her. She said in the OP that she's asked him to stop doing it in the past and he's told her she's a bore. Her issue is not poor communication, it's him disrespecting her boundaries and treating her body as his property.
b) what you and your wife enjoy is not the point. I might like being spanked. If a woman starts a thread on here that she hates being spanked but her husband does it anyway, it is of no interest or relevance that I enjoy it. Because someone else enjoying it is not the issue.

HTH

currentnameinuse · 06/03/2015 10:26

Here is some info about forms of sexual abuse

gmdvp.org/domestic-violence/types-domestic-abuse/

badbaldingballerina123 · 06/03/2015 10:33

My Dh and I do something similar, it's an affectionate thing and we both enjoy it.

However , an ex used to grope and grab like you describe and it was an offensive horrible thing. I would repeatedly tell him to stop and wrestle his hands away and he would carry on anyway. Key times were when the kids were nearby and he would also pester me in the shower , when I was getting dressed ect. I didn't know it at the time but these were smaller sexual assaults that eventually led to something much more serious .

Are you being groped while your asleep Op ? If so get him out of your bedroom.

cleanmyhouse · 06/03/2015 10:34

ineedabodytransplant I just thought you were adding a bit of french.

I think people need to calm the fuck down. She says the relationship is generally fine, it's not in front of the children, there has been no hint of violence, the police should not be called.

He is being disrespectful. Sometimes differing sex drives can be indicative of other issues. Sometimes differing sex drives can be indicative of differing sex drives. Either way, his approach is only making it worse and he needs to pack that shit in.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/03/2015 10:36

There has been domestic violence in the past towards the OP before the children were born.

currentnameinuse · 06/03/2015 10:36

There has been violence Clean - please read the thread. And tbh, even if everything else was fine, this behaviour from his is abuse and is not acceptable. This is nothing to do with differing sex drives.

cleanmyhouse · 06/03/2015 10:37

Ok. DV has turned up since I last read. Maybe people don't need to calm the fuck down. I take it back

cottageinthecountry · 06/03/2015 10:40

Dexter

All the very experienced women on here will tell you that this 'mithering' won't stop. He won't change.

If this is the case, what can you do?

I know I would tell him that perhaps he needs a partner who doesn't mind being mithered all the time, but that partner will never be you. The ball is in his court, it's something he has to stop. You are perfectly within your rights to reject it and if he strops at you you shall just have to accept that he isn't the right parter for you.

cleanmyhouse · 06/03/2015 10:40

Yep, I see that, and I take it back.

I appreciate that groping his groping is nothing to do with differing sex drives, as I said it's inappropriate and disrespectful.

However, differing sex drives can be about just that, or indicative of something else.

I apologise, the posts about previous dv appeared while I was writing.