Dp and his groping.

[DextersMistress]

Had a thread recently about different sex drives. This is the number 1 problem in our relationship.
This morning we were both in the kitchen, him getting ready for work, me doing breakfast for dc, putting washing on etc. Everytime I was close to him he groped me. Grabbed my bum as I was leaning down putting clothes in the washer, my boobs as I'm buttering toast. Hand down the front of my pjs, you get the picture.
This is something he's always done, and if I tell him to get off he says I'm a 'bore'. Today I told him he was out of order, get the fuck off me, I'm sick of this all the time. He responded by saying there's something wrong with me, he's just acting normal, normal couples act like this and maybe I should marry a monk.
I'm fucking sick of it. I love the nights he works away as I can go to bed when I want and not get mithered. It's not normal is it?

Absolutely. What I'm saying is that your lack of sex drive is probably related to other problems rather than your lack of sex drive being the problem and without those problems being addressed, your sex drive won't re-appear. And he's making the problem worse with his groping.

Perhaps accidentally stepping back on his foot or swinging your arm around so it connects with his bollocks everytime would non-verbally communicate no.

Further to what Cogito said, if there's been DV in the past then it's likely that on some level you have been trying to keep the peace in order to ensure it doesn't happen again. You can't really hope to have a mutually loving sexual relationship with someone you don't really trust.

no wonder divorce rates are so high !

Is it not possible for people to change - OP says the DV stopped, so maybe let that go because people can change?

She says he is lovely , in everything else, except this one thing - so what they need is a discussion about how to handle that one thing. If they can't find a solution then divorce is likely cause he most likely will cheat. But ffs why are you people always running to shout "abuse, police, LTB"

AND actually, you can be a good parent and a shit partner

"it's likely that on some level you have been trying to keep the peace in order to ensure it doesn't happen again"

I think this is spot on

Bereal - they have discussed it, and he still does it. So what's the OP supposed to do, just put up with it? Accept that she has no control over what happens to her own body, that she must continue to have sex she doesn't want in order to prevent arguments?

And I disagree you can be a good parent and a shit partner. As a parent it is your duty to model healthy relationships to your children. If you are treating your children's other parent with disrespect then you are providing a shit model for them and you are failing them as a parent.

"ffs why are you people always running to shout "abuse, police, LTB" "

First... there is no 'you people'. We are all individuals not some homogenous mass.
Second.... if you read the full thread, the responses have not solely been 'abuse, police, LTB'
Third.... 'Letting the DV go' as you put it has more than likely contributed to this situation psychologically.
Finally... 'people can change'.... and I'm sure they can, but persistent sexual bullying such as is being described here suggests that this man actually hasn't changed attitude very much.

Bereal quit with the abuse apologist shite. You are talking out of your arse on both points.

My father was a decent enough parent - caring, etc. but he was an atrocious husband (lazy, uncooperative, uninterested etc) and that is what stays with me now. I have no interest in him any more because I cannot forgive him for how he treated and still treats my mother.

So he used to hit you but now he 'only' shoves his hand down your pjs when you are cleaning the kitchen?

He sounds horrendous.

No wonder the divorce rate is so high!? Yeah, isn't it incredible that some women don't put up with this.

No she doesn't have to put up with it. They can discuss why they have differing attitudes to sex and touching - counselling perhaps ? And if they can't sort it, THEN you have a divorce. But at least she would know she tried to save her marriage.

So often men/women cheat and there partners are SHOCKED and didn't see it coming - well , in this case, the bloody man is trying and even said 'if left to you nothing will happen ' you knew how important sex was to me' , so OP I think you are lucky to have a man who is trying to have sex with you and not some other woman. HOWEVER , obviously if you don't want to have sex with him then DONT. But, if you don't want to have sex with your husband (and aren't willing to work out why and how to resolve it), don't come back crying that he's had an affair.

If you feel he still abusing you, then leave ffs.

I'm not making excuses for everyone but just trying to keep it real. Some people are bitter here and just jump to the worst. Yu've CLEARLY said everything else is well, so I don't think a marriage should be ended without fighting for it.

You said, 'No wonder the divorce rate is so high'.

So according to you, a woman who has been subjected to violence, and who is now being repeatedly groped -despite repeated requests to stop - does not have good grounds to end the relationship.

Its quite clear.

Have you read the thread bereal?

Are you aware that this man used to hit the OP?

Then he stopped hitting (bless his little heart) but instead started groping her and she felt pushed into sex to stop arguments.

She has tried to talk about this with him and he has called her a "bore."

Normal men don't hit their partners or hassle them for sex or grope them in the kitchen when they clearly don't want it. They talk about problems and if the problems can't be solved they leave. They don't have affairs.

Why should she fight for a marriage with a man who has been violent in the past and who now sexually assaults her regularly?

Blimey Bereal - are you kidding? Poor man will have an affair if he doesn't get sex. Oh and btw counselling with an abuser is never recommended.

Just so you know, bereal, it is not normal for a man to go off and have an affair if his wife won't have sex with him. Affairs are not a punishment for "frigid" wives.

John, that comment was because literally one of the first messages (with a backstory) ran to 'call the police' and 'leave him'. Ofcourse divorce rates are high if everyone runs to divorce because a couple disagree over one thing - not just on this thread but several others here on MN.

Call, yes i am - did u read my previous post about people changing (as op has said he doesn't anymore) . If she doesn't want to fight for her marriage, then she should divorce him - whats the problem ? Normal men don't have affairs ? okay

current, people (not just men) will often have affairs if they are not satisfied in their relationships (sexually or otherwise) - but i think you already knew that.

Call, I didn't say they were punishments but that happens. I don't know why people are acting like this is news.

"But at least she would know she tried to save her marriage. "

She is not 'lucky' to live with a man that shoves his hands in her pants. It would not be her responsibility if he had an affair. You're calling the people here 'bitter'. I'm sorry if you think that the only option open to women is to capitulate to crappy behaviour or else to expect to be replaced.

Do you live like that bereal7? Are you being subjected to abuse?

Of course it happens bereal. But you seem to be saying to the OP, "be careful or your man will cheat on you!" which I think is a shit attitude to have.

No normal, kind decent men don't have affairs. Shitheads who are too cowardly to end their marriage before starting on another relationship have affairs. You seem to have a very low opinion of men if you think it is normal to have an affair if you're not happy. The normal, mature thing is to talk it through and if it can't be solved, leave.

Can I just state here that a woman is absolutely not required to give a man sex in order to ensure he doesn't look for sex elsewhere. Sex is optional. It is not a duty. It is not something you do in order to hang onto someone.

If two people in a relationship have differing libidos then they need to talk it through, find solutions they're both happy with or move on. It is not acceptable for one partner to go off and seek sex elsewhere and it is not acceptable for a partner to grope the other one and bully them into sex.

bereal
Firstly, we will not be adding to the rates of divorce as we're not married. My op says dp so there's no 'marriage' to save.
Secondly, he would never have an affair. He abhors cheats and has fallen out with friends over it.
This does not, however, excuse the fact that he is abusive. Just because he's not hitting anymore doesn't make that any less true. I can see that now with the help of pp.
I have emailed him. Wanted to get my feelings down in writing without interruption. He now has a choice, to leave and get the sex he desperately needs elsewhere or change his behaviour completely. He has changed in the past so I'm willing to give him one chance.
I appreciate all of the replies and advice.

Thing is if your partner wanted less sex and you felt there was a problem you would try and fix it by showing concern, getting to the root of the problem, working it out, not by having a go at them.

This is why I say, lay it on the line. Tell him he can have the ideal wife who spreads her legs on command if he wants, it just can't be you. Of course it would be a shame if it came to that, but if what he wants is something you can't provide without emotional pain then let him find someone else who will.

How do you think he will react to that OP?

Good on your for emailing him Dexter. I hope it all gets worked out ok one way or the other.