Dp and his groping.

[DextersMistress]

Had a thread recently about different sex drives. This is the number 1 problem in our relationship.
This morning we were both in the kitchen, him getting ready for work, me doing breakfast for dc, putting washing on etc. Everytime I was close to him he groped me. Grabbed my bum as I was leaning down putting clothes in the washer, my boobs as I'm buttering toast. Hand down the front of my pjs, you get the picture.
This is something he's always done, and if I tell him to get off he says I'm a 'bore'. Today I told him he was out of order, get the fuck off me, I'm sick of this all the time. He responded by saying there's something wrong with me, he's just acting normal, normal couples act like this and maybe I should marry a monk.
I'm fucking sick of it. I love the nights he works away as I can go to bed when I want and not get mithered. It's not normal is it?

Don't back down. Let him sulk.

I'd consider the possibility that despite what he says , this isn't about your sex life and he actually DOESN'T want to improve it. It's very possible he is deliberately sabotaging things so that you are the bad guy and he has , in his eyes , a justifiable reason to argue with you.

He's been told in no uncertain terms that you don't like it and it's doing nothing for his appeal. Yet he still continues and claims he shouldn't have to change. Ignore what he says and look at what he does. He's not doing a single thing to improve the sex life he claims to want. In fact he's doing the opposite . Nobody is that stupid.

The groping will stop. He apologised for that, it's the lack of sex he's not wanting to compromise on. He will of course have to, or leave. He'd never force himself on me, but I'm asking him to back right off and he's not happy.

Can you stop the house buying at this stage? I don't think you need something else tying you to him tbh.

He ain't going to change. You have to decide if you wish to live like this. Somehow I think you won't want to do that!

Hi OP, well done for telling your partner how you feel. I think asking your GP for counselling is a very good idea. You could also contact Rape Crisis, they have a national helpline (0808 802 9999, lines open every day 12-2.30pm & 7-9.30pm) and might have a centre near you. They might be able to offer support if you want to talk about your past experience of sexual abuse and how you feel about it now.

I think getting support for you is the most important thing. But I also agree with PPs who say your partner is very unlikely to change, unfortunately Can you delay the house purchase, to give yourself a bit more time to decide whether to go through with it?

Ultimately I think you deserve so much better than this man. Your children may love him but it's not good for them to have a father who doesn't respect their mother. They need to learn what a healthy relationship is like.

I think putting off the house buying is a good idea, as you will be stuck if it all goes wrong afterwards. You're not married which means you can't ask him to leave if you own the property jointly.

Thing is he's right, he is the same person and hasn't changed, but you have. You are going through a stage, perhaps of seeing the truth about what you need in a relationship, and it's not something he can provide.

I think at the very least you should spend some time apart.

You have a lot to sort out. Take your time, get it right. Put yourself first. Be kind to your OH - he has feelings too.

You can pull out of the house buying.

If it's not completed, it's not completed. OK, the buyers will swear, but tough.

I have to ask... is your lack of sex drive down to his pressuring you constantly?

The reason i ask is i've been where you are, mismatched libido, unhappy DH with gropey hands, constantly harassing me in the kitchen, hands down my pants, up my top, jumping me in the bedroom whenever i was getting changed for bed, waking me up for sex and getting shirty when i said no...etc.

Its exhausting, and in my case it turned into a game of how long i could put 'it' off before i would have sex just to make him leave me alone for a few days. I tried talking to him a few times but got nowhere.

We actually separated briefly and this was bought up in counselling and he actually said that he tried it on so often in the hope i would say yes because he could never predict when i would, so it was worth the gamble to him, he didnt realise how much i hated it.... at least not until the counsellor explained it!

We got back together, and he was better, but then it started again, i put up with it for a little bit, but eventually i'd had enough. We had a very serious discussion about my lack of sex drive, and how sex was important to him as i'm not a naturally tactile person and he felt like i didn't love him because unless we were having sex i didn't touch him other than a goodnight kiss before i went to bed.

I told him that i would never be able to rediscover my sex drive with him constantly harassing me, because all i felt was pressured and put upon which was annoying, not enjoyable and just made me want to yell at him to leave me the fuck alone, and withdraw from being touched or hugged because i was always waiting for him to turn a hug/kiss into a grope opportunity.

We came to a compromise. He's stopped trying it on in bed at night time, he's more or less stopped the groping (but its down to acceptable levels imho and its reciprocated), i dont feel pressurised any more. In return i agreed i would initiate more after an initial 'dry' period where he'd leave me alone and let me go to him, and i would be more huggy/kissy with him.

These days when we put the kids to bed in the evening we will lie on our bed afterwards and have a cuddle and a chat for a couple of hours, sometimes it turns into sex, probably about once or twice a week, sometimes more, sometimes less.

Obviously, this was done because we do love each other and he wanted to make it work, so far it seems to be doing ok for us.

I'm not suggesting it will work for you, and it does need BOTH of you to agree to it and put some effort in, but if your DP is going to be a dick and carry on being a dick, you might be better off cutting your losses before you complete on the house!

I know how miserable what you're going through is, dont let it carry on!

Sorry I'm so late back to the thread, dp had the weekend off.

For those who asked about the house, we can't afford to lose the money we've already paid. Plus every penny I had is currently sitting in his bank ready to pay the deposit this week. Until my name is on those deeds I won't be doing anything.

AnotherEmma thank you so much for the info. I will call rape crisis.

obsidian you've hit the nail on the head, although I suspect I have a lot of negative connections with sex due to the past as well which I'm hoping councilling will help with.

Thanks again to everyone for your help. It's a lot clearer in my head how things lie, and I will be taking steps to improve my life.

oh my goodness - please get your money back. How could buying a house with him be good? You aren't married? This is such a disaster waiting to happen. And you are paying the deposit? You stand to lose the lot if you are not careful.

You stand on the verge of falling off a cliff.

Either step back and get your money back or know that this will not end well.

we can't afford to lose the money we've already paid

You will lose more by buying and selling up once you come to your senses. As once you have the house, it's much much harder to call an end on the relationship. Small price to pay IMHO.

Could you get advice from a solicitor, OP? Sometimes they offer a free consultation. Explain the situation you're in with the house purchase and deposit money, and see what they say.

An organisation called Rights of Women has a free legal helpline you could call, here are the details:

For women in England and Wales
Call 020 7251 6577
Monday 7-9pm, Tuesday 7-9pm, Wednesday 7-9pm, Thursday 7-9pm, Friday 12-2pm

More info on their website: rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/

Good luck xx

If the money was transferred to his account for the purpose of the house deposit it's likely that if you pull out now he will have to give you the money back.

Things don't always have to be written down and signed in triplicate in order for them to be law - verbal agreements and understandings can be just as binding.

Please speak to Rights of Women, don't take a step further with this house purchase.

If you have exchanged then there are legal penalties for failing to complete. Do not pull out without getting really thorough legal advice if you have already exchanged.

If you haven't, have a really long hard think about what type of abuse you are likely to get next.

I would say any fee is worth it, OP gets her money back, essentially as she's not spending it on him any more.

cottageinthecountry the cost of not completing if you have exchanged can be tens of thousands. People can be forced to complete and pay over the money regardless. It's potential financial complete ruin.

If there has been no exchange then the OP can pull out at the very last second - really just at that second. If they have exchanged then it can get very, very complicated and incredibly, desperately expensive. I really think that this is a dreadful relationship, but if exchange has happened and the OP wants to pull out then she needs urgent, detailed, red-hot legal advice.

We haven't exchanged. This house is for our children, if we don't buy now neither of us will be able to in the future. Dp because of his age would struggle to get a mortgage again without a hefty deposit (not likely without a lotto win) and me because I don't work.

I'm aware I'll lose sympathy here by saying I won't ltb yet, but I need this house sale to go through for my dc's future.

I am not in any danger, there will absolutely be no violence. The circumstances between back then and now are massively different, we were in a different country then with no support, and dp was a heavy drinker.

We talked last night and has agreed to spend a few days away. I have told him that my lack of sex drive is ultimately down to his actions, and I am seeking help for myself. He is to back off until I say otherwise. If he doesn't, then he can leave permanently. Dc and I will live in the new house without him, he will live in accommodation provided by his work, and his parents at the weekend.

I very much appreciate the support from here, thank you.

It sounds like you've thought everything through OP. Good luck.

You haven't lost my sympathy at all. In fact, I think you've been admirably assertive and clear-sighted.

Thank you both, was expecting a flaming then

Well done for securing the house for your childrens future. Stand firm, don't take anymore shit!! Good luck