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Original poster

Dp and his groping.

198 replies

DextersMistress · 06/03/2015 09:17

Had a thread recently about different sex drives. This is the number 1 problem in our relationship.
This morning we were both in the kitchen, him getting ready for work, me doing breakfast for dc, putting washing on etc. Everytime I was close to him he groped me. Grabbed my bum as I was leaning down putting clothes in the washer, my boobs as I'm buttering toast. Hand down the front of my pjs, you get the picture.
This is something he's always done, and if I tell him to get off he says I'm a 'bore'. Today I told him he was out of order, get the fuck off me, I'm sick of this all the time. He responded by saying there's something wrong with me, he's just acting normal, normal couples act like this and maybe I should marry a monk.
I'm fucking sick of it. I love the nights he works away as I can go to bed when I want and not get mithered. It's not normal is it?

OP posts:
HappenstanceMarmite · 06/03/2015 10:41

So whilst the police might not be interested in this per se I don't think it's helpful to belittle the OP's feelings.

I wasn't belittling the OP's feelings. I was belittling the ludicrous "call the police!" post. But I think you knew that.

And trust me...I know all about sexual abuse. Personal experience.

cailindana · 06/03/2015 10:42

The fact that there has been violence in the past makes this very worrying. I know I'm totally projecting here OP, but it's looking more and more like a pattern I'm familiar with. As others have said, it's indicative of a rotten attitude - an attitude that spills out in various different ways, and that, if you challenge it, can be dangerous.

cailindana · 06/03/2015 10:46

Please don't feel obliged to answer, but has he ever groped you while you were asleep or hassled you so much for sex that you gave in?

NeedABumChange · 06/03/2015 10:47

I don't quite get why your with him? I can't imagine marrying someone who isn't allowed to touch me at will as I would expect to touch them at will. Excusing times when arguing/sickness etc. It's odd to me. If you don't like him touching you, then you are clearly not right for each other.

NeedABumChange · 06/03/2015 10:48

Oh crap.. I think I've missed a page. DV too? Now I really don't understand why you're with him and why you'd choose to breed with a violent man??

cleanmyhouse · 06/03/2015 10:53

touch me at will

Hmmm, that would be fine if the touching was appropriate, but it's not.

I'd be delighted with a kiss and a cuddle in the morning with the kids in the next room, not so much with a hand down the front of my pyjamas.

Original poster
DextersMistress · 06/03/2015 10:56

No, he's never touched me in my sleep. I don't know what you class as being hassled into sex but I do sometimes just go along with it to save an argument. He has never carried on if I've said no though.
needa ds was unplanned. My pregnancy came at a pretty bad time tbh but the change in dp was instant. I'm not defending him in any way, just answering truthfully.

OP posts:
cailindana · 06/03/2015 10:58

Going along with sex to avoid an argument is also very worrying.

Dexter, this is not good, you can see that can't you?

emotionsecho · 06/03/2015 10:58

A good father does not disrespect the mother of his children by treating her as a sex toy.

A good father does not ignore and dismiss the feelings of the mother of his children.

cailindana · 06/03/2015 10:59

BTW I would class going along with sex to avoid an argument as being hassled into sex.

Original poster
DextersMistress · 06/03/2015 11:03

I suppose the way I looked at it was due to different sex drives we have to compromise.
I'd be happy with once a month, he'd probably have sex every day. As it is, we compromise at once or twice a week. So it's obvious that some of the time I'd be having sex when I wasn't really in the mood.
If that makes sense.

OP posts:
cailindana · 06/03/2015 11:04

Would you have sex with someone who didn't want to have sex with you Dexter?

cottageinthecountry · 06/03/2015 11:45

Perhaps you're thinking about it too clinically. Everyone has different sex drives but where two people meet is never a forced compromise, it's a natural one.

A normal person wouldn't want to have sex with someone who didn't want it or had to be coerced. The build up to sex is a series of little trials and errors, at each stage of which there is a turn of direction, unspoken agreements. That's what makes it exciting. Sure sometimes you both want instant gratification but you both know that's what you both want, it starts with a look or a warm breath that's reciprocated, if one partner looks away then it's plenty of indication that things need to go in a different direction, maybe just an affectionate touch (not a grope) or a peck on the cheek. But there is consensus all the way, there has to be.

cailindana · 06/03/2015 11:53

Cottage said it well. Sex isn't a transaction. It's not a compromise based on sex drives, it's a fun, enjoyable activity that you have every right to turn down if you're not up for it. A normal person would never want to have sex with someone who was just doing it because they felt they had to. It just wouldn't be fun for them. My DH is very very aware of my mood and mental state during sex and even if I look away once or seem not with it he will ask "are you ok"? and absolutely will not continue unless he's sure I'm ok. He just cannot engage in sex with someone who isn't fully present and enjoying it with him, and the same goes for me.

cailindana · 06/03/2015 11:54

Also, if he's not happy with the amount of sex, he can leave. The solution isn't to expect you to just submit to what he wants.

Original poster
DextersMistress · 06/03/2015 12:00

I completely agree but looking at it from the other side I don't think he's unreasonable to want a better sex life when we used to have one. I mean, the way he's going about it is fucked up, definitely, but I do see his point.
There are threads on hear all the time, woman not satisfied with their husbands last of desire and they are always supported. I don't know, I can't see a way of fixing this at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
DextersMistress · 06/03/2015 12:02

lack

OP posts:
cleanmyhouse · 06/03/2015 12:10

I agree that no-one should be co-erced. I agree that no-one should be having sex that they don't want to have.

I can also see what you're saying OP, I agree that it doesn't seem unreasonable to want more of a sex life and yes the way he's going about it is shitty.

If you're really honest with yourself, are there other problems in the relationship that have led to you not wanting to have sex with him? You say sex is the only thng you argue about. but could it be a symptom of something else?

When I stop wanting to have sex, something is up.

cailindana · 06/03/2015 12:10

When women come on here complaining about a lack of sex life they are not advised to go and grope their partners. He is not unreasonable at all to want a better sex life, that is totally understandable. He is, however, unreasonable to completely ignore your wishes and just go ahead and take what wants.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/03/2015 12:11

You're being supported. When It's a fairly simple problem of one partner wanting to have sex more than the other (male or female is immaterial) then the advice is to talk honestly, reassure each other that there is plenty of love and affection, find compromise, find other ways to be physically intimate, seek counselling etc.,

Your situation is different because it's not just about different sex drives. There is an aggressive, bullying quality to his attitude towards you and that is not acceptable. You're tending to blame yourself for not having enough sex with him but, in a healthy relationship, bullying, insults and aggression would never happen, no matter how sexually frustrated one party was

Original poster
DextersMistress · 06/03/2015 12:15

Sorry cogito I wasn't suggesting I wasn't being supported, I was just pointing out that if he were to come on here complaining about sex then he would be as well, as many others have been.
I see your point about the difference, also.

OP posts:
KissyBoo · 06/03/2015 12:16

If someone did this to me I would consider it sexual assault.

There is a world of difference between having a kiss and a cuddle and that mutually leading onto more than someone snatching out at your bits.

It's aggressive and the whole purpose of it is not foreplay but domination.

You say no -he should stop immediately. If he doesn't he is sexually assaulting you.

He sounds like a absolute first rate cunt.

Original poster
DextersMistress · 06/03/2015 12:18

clean I'm not sure about the reasons. In my previous thread, many people said that the dv, no matter how long ago, would be having an effect. Maybe that's true. Or maybe it's just one of those things! Either way I think it's his behaviour that must change before we even consider my lack of sex drive.

OP posts:
cailindana · 06/03/2015 12:25

IMO it's likely he's responsible for your lack of sex drive, at least partially. The first time he overstepped your boundaries and the first time you had sex that you didn't really want in order to keep him happy he will have started changing your attitude to sex. Instead of being a fun activity that you can take or leave it will have started to become a duty and a chore, something you don't really enjoy. Who wouldn't go off sex in those circumstances?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/03/2015 12:32

I do think any kind of DV, however historic, changes things. Having sex with someone involves physical and mental vulnerability and it relies a lot on mutual trust. Someone who once hit you and who is now putting pressure on and being unpleasant wheh he doesnt get his own way cannot be trusted. I've said it many times here but, once mistrust gets into a relationship, it is corrosive.

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