Dp and his groping.

[DextersMistress]

Had a thread recently about different sex drives. This is the number 1 problem in our relationship.
This morning we were both in the kitchen, him getting ready for work, me doing breakfast for dc, putting washing on etc. Everytime I was close to him he groped me. Grabbed my bum as I was leaning down putting clothes in the washer, my boobs as I'm buttering toast. Hand down the front of my pjs, you get the picture.
This is something he's always done, and if I tell him to get off he says I'm a 'bore'. Today I told him he was out of order, get the fuck off me, I'm sick of this all the time. He responded by saying there's something wrong with me, he's just acting normal, normal couples act like this and maybe I should marry a monk.
I'm fucking sick of it. I love the nights he works away as I can go to bed when I want and not get mithered. It's not normal is it?

And don't you touch somebody to give them pleasure? Not just to get access to a variety of body parts?

Just the same as why should you allow them access to your sexy bits just to stop them from shagging someone else? That's abuse isn't it?

I feel for you OP.

Jesus wept, all the posters wittering on about how they like it when their DH gropes them so OP should - READ THE FUCKING THREAD. It's nearly 200 posts long, did you not think that maybe there might be a bit more involved? Do you realise how fucking thick and insensitive you sound after everything OP's said? If you can't be bothered to find out what's actually happening, don't bother bloody commenting.

I think it's only a couple of posters, tea.

He's also deliberately making you into the baddie in this aspect of the relationship
if you for instance - took all of your clothes off and instigated sex every time he groped you - how often would be doing so - as you said - in front of the children or with the suity that you would be caught ? or even when you should be leaving the house for work or the school run
When he gropes you at these times his behaviour is very very unreasonable - and should be given straight back to him
eg
" what ? sex on the kitchen floor with the kids walking in any second..?" is that what you want ? yeah lets get arrested for child abuse...!"
Oh take me from behind with my head in the dishwasher ! I cant understand why this wasnt in 50 shades of grey!"

oh and he sounds like an entitled wanker

What a catch

living with a violent sexual abuser... is this what you envisaged for yourself, op ?

DP and I touch each other in a sexual way quite often so I think those that are saying it's not normal are not correct.

It might not be normal for some people but it's fine for others.

You clearly dislike this man so why stay together?

There's a world of difference between a quick fondle between a consenting couple (husband and I do this quite regularly) and being manhandled by a controlling man with previous DV acts.

He sounds creepy OP. You do not have to live like this. It isn't right. You are not an object.

Terrible English there but my point still stands.

Why would anyone deliberately and wilfully not understanding the difference between a consensual sexual relationship, as opposed to the use of sex to humiliate, control and then be used as a way of name calling, and undermining.

Is it me?

Tryharder, I refer you to my post about three before yours.

And I suggest sincerely that you try harder to get your head round the fact that you are not everybody.

HTH.

For those unaware, she's just told her violent partner (who was only violent when drunk and he's stopped that now) that she doesn't want him to touch her any more unless it's consensual and given him an ultimatum about his arsey behaviour in an email. She's not sure if he's read the email and he's about to come home from work.

Tryharder, a quick mutual exchange of physical affection is very different to an unwanted grope whilst one party is in the middle of chores with her mind on getting the kids and the breakfast ready.

I'm as baffled as you are, queen

My dh did this while we were dating and for the first few months of marriage. If I sat next to him and then stood up, he would reach under and check my undercarriage. In public, he would (just barely) touch my boobs. After gently pushing his hands away numerous times I finally asked him why he did it. He said he didn't know, and then said he wasn't aware he was! (Total BS) I told him to stop it and he did. On the groping in the house, one time I gave him such an angry look, he said he thought I was going to slap him. He got the message I didn't like it and he stopped with no in-depth discussion or ridicule.

A thought that has come to me while reading the thread that hasn't been mentioned (but AKnickerful's post suggests) is that he does this when Dexter has her attention on something besides him. It is controlling and dominating behavior...And points to a dynamic of superiority vs subordinate.

Are you OK OP?

Just to confirm what Any Fucker said. No matter what he says, you are living with a violet sexual abuser. You really need to decide whether this is your thing or not.

I have read that hard, squeezing, groping sexual touching is designed to give pleasure to the groped whereas tender, stroking gentle touching is designed to give pleasure to the recipient.

It's clear the DP is pleasing himself at the OPs expense. It's not a loving touch. He needs to realise this. He thinks because it gives him pleasure then the same is happening for her. Just explaining to him how this feels and him realising it would make him change his view.

The relationship needs reassessing and some boundaries put in.

I'm ok thanks. Will update later when I can.

Just explaining to him how this feels and him realising it would make him change his view

That's not how abusers function sadly

He came home very contrite after reading the email. We couldn't talk properly as dc are terrible sleepers and we didn't get a chance but I went to bed happy that we could sort things. Then in bed, he bunched the quilt up between us because he 'wasn't allowed to touch me'.
I asked if he had understood my points in the email? That if we're going to move on and both be happy without arguing over sex every few weeks then he'd have to change? He said no. He was exactly the same person now as when we met and expecting him to suddenly change was unfair.
He also stated he wasn't getting any younger and he wasn't prepared to wait until he was 60 before my sex drive returned. Accused me of dragging up the past (dv) and using it as an excuse. So it looks like nothing will change. We complete on our house in a few weeks and I just feel shattered by it all

Well that was predictable wasn't it? It's all about him! You're wrong, he's right.... you're 'dragging up' DV as an excuse .... and there's even a threat that he's 'not prepared to wait'. Very unpleasant and inconsiderate reaction.

BTW... he's not 'contrite'.

He's right, he will never change. He will always be an abusive shit.

I agree - he is minimising and justifying his behaviour while laying the blame at your door.

What are you going to do now?

I am still going to see my GP about councilling for me. Years before I met dp I was raped and sexually assaulted and I responded to that by sleeping around. This stopped when I met him but I've inadvertently ended up in another disfunctional sexual relationship and I need my own help to overcome it.
Wrt him, I've got no idea. We've just bought a house together that I can't afford to move into without him and we have children who adore him.

He doesn't want to improve. It is either his way or highway. I would take the highway.