Dp and his groping.

[DextersMistress]

Had a thread recently about different sex drives. This is the number 1 problem in our relationship.
This morning we were both in the kitchen, him getting ready for work, me doing breakfast for dc, putting washing on etc. Everytime I was close to him he groped me. Grabbed my bum as I was leaning down putting clothes in the washer, my boobs as I'm buttering toast. Hand down the front of my pjs, you get the picture.
This is something he's always done, and if I tell him to get off he says I'm a 'bore'. Today I told him he was out of order, get the fuck off me, I'm sick of this all the time. He responded by saying there's something wrong with me, he's just acting normal, normal couples act like this and maybe I should marry a monk.
I'm fucking sick of it. I love the nights he works away as I can go to bed when I want and not get mithered. It's not normal is it?

No one is required to have sex obviously - I just stated what is likely to happen if that doesn't happen. Call, the first sentence on your last paragraph is what I have been saying this whole time. If she doesn't want to work it out, she needs to leave him. Maybe he is a coward who will cheat - would she rather that? (fine too if thats what she wants).

You can all keep talking as if you live in a perfect world where people are 'normal and mature' but you don't - which is why so many people cheat. There was a thread a few months ago where people were confessing what they had done and the amount of women who had had affairs was astounding....I'm sure they are just 'normal' people too ....but they were not satisfied at home.

Anyway, to summarise my point (AGAIN) - OP, either talk to your partner about why you think you don't want him touching and you differing sex attitudes or leave him. If you can't find a solution, leave him. if you don't want to leave him and and don't want him to touch you, then quite frankly - suck it up.

i'm done

OK I take that back, Xpost. If he used to hit you the likelihood is that if you say threaten to end the relationship he will just do it again.

When you do leave leave safely. I think you might need Womens Aid.

KissyBoo

"Perhaps accidentally stepping back on his foot or swinging your arm around so it connects with his bollocks everytime would non-verbally communicate no."

I can't believe you are suggesting this. The man has been violent in the past. So responding to sexually aggressive touching with violence just might escalate the situation, don't you think?!

OP even if he has changed since you had children, I am sure his past actions must be affecting how you see him and deal with him now. I wouldn't be surprised if you go along with things and accept things you don't like through fear that he might kick off again.

I'm sorry but I think you need to separate and only try again on condition that he does a programme for abusive men who want to change their behaviour.

So, BeReal - if I understand you correctly, OP should put up with sexual abuse because (a) at least he isn't shoving her around any more and (b) marriage is worth saving at all costs even if you're married to an abusive bastard and (c) he might run off with another woman.

Here, have handmaiden of the week award. You are the sort of nasty piece of work who makes it incredibly bloody hard for women to leave abusers by contributing to the nasty chorus saying "you made your bed...", "women - nothing without a husband...", "women - sexual property of their male owner..."

Not just shoving around Lucio, hitting. This is a really sad thread,, your experience has completely messed with your head. His violence is not in the past, he is sitting on his violent hands to keep the peace because he still needs you to feed his misogynistic ego. His hands are now in your pants instead of your face or wherever it was he hit you, but the abuse is the same. It's a violation whichever way you look at it.

I hope you're OK Dexter, it must be tearing you apart, all this. If it's any help, try to remember that his behaviour is probably learned, he probably doesn't know why he does it, why he thinks you owe him, why he thinks he has more rights than you. Some men just end up like that through no real fault of their own and because of that they rarely change.

There are plenty of good people out there, why share your life with one of the nasty ones?

I hope you're OK Dexter, it must be tearing you apart, all this. If it's any help, try to remember that his behaviour is probably learned, he probably doesn't know why he does it, why he thinks you owe him, why he thinks he has more rights than you. Some men just end up like that through no real fault of their own and because of that they rarely change.

There are plenty of good people out there, why share your life with one of the nasty ones?

The problem is you don't like it imo.
He is your dp and not out of order if he has always been like this and only now you are objecting.
Is it because it is too often or have you gone off him and don't like him touching you.
My dh does this and i like it, he's always done it too, but is very affectionate, romantic too.
Talk to him tell him why you don't like it, is it because it evades your space?

Bereal you have a poor understanding of both abuse and affairs.

Very often abusive people don't actually change. What they do is change the form of abuse. The abusive mentality stays.

My first husband did this.

I have, with YEARS of counselling, come to understand that it was sexual assault, that it led on to repeated rape, and was driven by, not sexual desire, but a sense of ENTITLEMENT and a need to CONTROL. My mother used to tell me that this is just what men do, and that I should ignore/tolerate it.

At relate, it was suggested that he get psycho-sexual counselling, which he refused, and ultimately, I divorced him. He remained convinced that there was something "wrong" with me.

It caused ever such a lot of damage, not just to me as a woman, but to me as a mother. It has taken years to unravel the mess.

He went on to do it to his next wife too.

My husband does the same thing. I do not have the hottest body (it is far from it actually) so don't know why he says i am irresistible. I guess he just want to let me know he still finds me sexy. Do I like it, not when I am busy or distracted with something like cooking .he never goes it around the kids though. The media (movies with two people in love) seem to make it ok for guys to do this.

I am not quite bothered by it though but i do need to talk to him about it.

Drew, if your wife says no, would you respect her "no" ? This guy does not respect her wishes and feelings.

The persistence is absolutely not normal. His churlish response when you ask him to stop shows that he has no respect for you whatsoever.

Will now RTFT!

Dexter, well done for emailing.

Lurcio, I think bereal has some sincerely held but incorrect beliefs about what is and isn't rape, sexual assault etc.

" The first time he overstepped your boundaries and the first time you had sex that you didn't really want in order to keep him happy he will have started changing your attitude to sex. Instead of being a fun activity that you can take or leave it will have started to become a duty and a chore, something you don't really enjoy. Who wouldn't go off sex in those circumstances?"

Really good comment, Cailin.

Sorry Dexter, I missed earlier that you have given him an ultimatum by email. Well done, and remember you have loads of support here if you need it. If he reacts badly or threatens you call the police, it might even be advisable given his history to have them on alert for you in case things do get worse. Don't wait for us, or a support line, do this so that it's recorded for future reference and so that you your children are protected.

I'm ok thanks cottage bit nervous. Had no reply as yet but he's working so may not have read it yet. I think his initial response will speak volumes tbh, if he's defensive and arseholed I can't see there being much hope.

I'm not scared of him by the way, the violence in the past was always fuelled by drink and I know it won't happen.

Maybe try and make a decision now about what you're going to do if he is defensive and arsey but also what you're going to do if he's nice and lovey, apologetic or cries.

Yep, no wonder the divorce rate is so high, when there's so many arseholes out there who treat their wives like a toy.

To be honest, I'm genuinely surprised it's not higher. There's an awful lot of people who stay in truly shite marriages.

In that case I should correct myself because you said arseholed, not arsey, do you mean drunk?

Important detail I think.

If it's the latter, I have found a relate group locally, I think professional help will be needed. The former? Well, it would have to be the end. Otherwise I'd be condoning his behaviour and inviting it to continue

I swear I wrote arsey! iPad changed it. No, definitely not drunk.

My Ex used to do this all the time. And he used to talk aloud about women in the street/next door neighbours etc. etc. His whole life revolved around sex and when he was 'going to get it' next.

I divorced him. It was so bad that I haven't had another relationship since (25 years!!).

Christ on a bike bereal !!! There's so much awful awfulness with your post, it's pointless trying to explain. Are you on a wind-up? OP's partner has a history of DV. The reason why it may stop, is because the victim of DV learns to modify their behaviour, in order to not get hurt. Walk on eggshells, predict their partner's mood. Give into unwanted groping and sex to keep the peace. Then the violent partner gets all puffy chested and congratulates themselves about not being violent. And expects praise from their abused partner.

"She says he is lovely , in everything else" Hmm, don't think OP said that at all.