Me again. ..

[CalmAndConfused]

hi,

I've had several posts on here about mine and my husband's relationship. The last post was because he said we should separate, however we then decided to give it one last go...which part of me feels is just prolonging the inevitable.

Anyway I'm am going out with friends tonight (first time in over a year), and H made comments on the underwear I'm wearing. He always asks if there will be males there if I go places without him...even asking me one time when I was going to a funeral (aparantly I was taking this wrong and he was meaning it as a compliment about him thinking I looked nice ) .

Also he keeps going on about how I mustn't be to late in case the kids wake up...

Is all this normal as it makes me feel like crap and means I can't enjoy my time out as I am clock watching etc

Usually when a person is like this it's more a projection of what they are about, so I'd assume he's the one not to be trusted.

Why are you letting him dictate to you like that, first time out in a year, oh my god, you really need to stop allowing him to control you.

Should clarify it's not my first time out in the year. Just the first time out in the evening with friends.

Tbh it's not worth the sulking, inquisition or guilt trips I. e how he's stressed, he can't deal with the kids, he has work next day etc....

Hi op

Actually no he isn't worth it , so if you binned him you would be avoiding the sulking and huffing and puffing.

He's trying to ruin your enjoyment before you even go out, that makes him a selfish Pratt why do you put up with him?

I'm not entirely sure I guess I'm scared of hurting him and the kids. He is all I have ever known. ..This has been my life since I was 16...

Also I wonder if it's me being unreasonable and silly. He says he loves me. He supports what I want to do financially. although he is against me getting a part time job atm, and would rather work 2 jobs which means he can check out of family life. aparantly though it is threw concern for me...He doesn't want me to have a 'shit job' his words... In some sense I would love to earn and get out the house...

Also we can have fun and have a laugh.

What I mean by supporting what I want to do financially - is that he is happy to financially support me threw my MSc and while I am a stay at home mum.

You don't have to do what he wants wrt working again. You do have a say.

He's controlling you. He's not concerned for you. He doesn't want you to work because if you work you have financial and social freedom.

That would drive him mad because he really can't control you then.

He sounds unpleasant.

Do you feel trapped?

Do you want to bin him?

How many more threads like this are you going to start before you actually DO something?

I don't care if I sound harsh but you come on here to moan about your life and your DH and yet you do nothing about it. Either change it and live a life you want or stop whinging and carry on living a life you don't want.

Come on here for advice by all means but there comes a point where you have to start taking the advice or give up.

He's even told you before he wants to seperate. Take him at his word and get on with it, you might actually find that you are happy!

Were you the OP that was planning to leave and you were going to speak to your sister about it a few weeks ago?

How has it turned around of him wanting to leave you?

The last post was because he said we should separate, however we then decided to give it one last go...which part of me feels is just prolonging the inevitable.

so he wants to break up, we decide to give it a go and now you feel it's prolonging the inevitable?

Why prolong anything that's doomed? Time's a ticking ...

He's against you getting a part time job for one reason only

Because it gives you some control over your money rather than him

Go out, have a couple of strong drinks and get back as late as you like. He's already sulking even if you come home early.

I fucking hate men like this, controlling, self absorbed cunts. I've been in your position and I remember the first time I went out after dark with friends, after 4 years, my H picked a fight then dismissed me. What an utter bastard he was.

Oh my god, I'm angry tonight, angered by your H and his attitude. It just reminds me of some of the dark wilderness years of my life in a basically dreadful relationship.

God this sounds like my ex..if my friends asked me to go out he'd make comments on my clothes and my friends..when I'd be out he'd ring me asking me where things are for the kids etc..when I'd get home he'd find a reason to start a fight..once it was because I came in and went straight to bed and he got pissy with me coz I didnt check on the sleeping children before I came to bed!..in the end I gave up going out..it wasn't worth it..12 long years it took me to realise he wasn't worth it!

CalmandConfused - i think you might need a name change because i think you might be seeing what's going on here.

You two got together very young by the sound of it. This doesn't mean it was wrong. It might mean that time is up though. People change and grow inside.

Sometimes people make cages for each other based on some idea that love is about holding everything in and staying the same. Life isn't about that. Life is about being alive. Life's about change.

What do you desire for your life now?

Controlling you so by giving you grief so you bin going out rather than have hassle from him, when you should be binning him.

Nothing will change unless you split up. Your poor kids.

I meant as in not being confused at all ...

Thank you everyone. I am sorry for starting yet another thread, I know it must be very annoying and frustrating for everyone reading them.

I really wish I could muster the strength to leave him, I really do. I guess to me I struggle to see him as controlling in the abusive sense. What if it all really is because he is concerned for me. He kept going on and on last night telling me to be careful because he's worried about me gong out alone after dark.

When I got home it was bedlam in the house. Both kids were hysterical. My eldest wet the bed and apparently according to her the youngest got woken up by H shouting... this is not true according to H, however he seems to have no empathy or tolerance to the eldest, as in his words 'he doesn't know how to deal with her or connect with her' . It really isn't fair on anyone me leaving them to go out.

I used to think that I don't love him. However I think I have realised that the problem is actually that I love him, but I don't like him - that is what is making this so hard.

All of my friend's friends who were also there are divorced. One of them said that you know to call it a day when the bad times outnumber the good times and I sat there thinking wtf am I doing. It makes perfect sense, so why the fuck can't I seem to do anything...

Oh and ForeverBlue what you posted hit a chord with me and sounds very familiar.

Anyway, again, I am really sorry for starting this thread and pissing people off by not having got my arse in gear and done something to change it.

Anyway, again, I am really sorry for starting this thread and pissing people off by not having got my arse in gear and done something to change it

It takes time to change things, OP. There wasn't mumsnet in my day but if there had been I'm sure I would have started a hundred threads before I got to where I needed to be.

I haven't read your other threads, but I do hate it when people are isolated from their friends because of the behaviour of their partner. Been there, bought the T-shirt.

how he's stressed, he can't deal with the kids, he has work next day etc....

He would have this problem regularly if you split up, as he would have them every other weekend plus a regular night in the week.

And, he deliberately winds them up so that you DO come home to chaos.

Is this all really worth it, are you actually happy in this relationship?

He is not only abusing you he is abusing your children.

Control and abuse does not always mean something physical.

You are choosing to remain in abusive relationship. That could get you losing your children. Is he worth more than your children?

Anyway, again, I am really sorry for starting this thread and pissing people off by not having got my arse in gear and done something to change it

I don't care if I sound harsh but you come on here to moan about your life and your DH and yet you do nothing about it. Either change it and live a life you want or stop whinging and carry on living a life you don't want.

OP: Carry on starting threads if it helps you. If posters get pissy with you then ignore them. They too are being abusive.

I stayed for 30 years. I didn't think I was in an abusive relationship because I wasn't being beaten up.
I wish I had left him years earlier.

A "weak dithering idiot"?

Christ. I'm staggered at the abusive words on this thread.

Pathetic.

Op, post as much as you want to help you with your situation.

Thank you to all the supportive posters. I suffer from a series anxiety disorder, so seeing very negative posts makes me literally run away from the thread and I find it very hard to come back. It has taken me a hell of a lot of courage to make yet another post, as I feel stupid, embarrassed and pathetic with my situation.

H came downstairs about 5 mins ago as I went upstairs to put the youngest down for a nap (she was up at 5, and so I was too...). He asks me if I mind him staying in bed longer as he has work (from home) today. I never get a lie in...never (he has medical issues).

To those asking what I want with my life - not his is not it. I am so down most of the time he is around. Though it is good when he is out of the house.

I think it is hard for me as my father was very abusive. When my mum finally kicked him out (I as 15) I hated him and was so glad to never see him again. I don't hate H, so in my head I guess it's not bad enough to warrant him leaving. Also my father left 6 months before I started dating H, and it has been an abusive relationship in the past - including physically. However he has not physically abused me (or me him) since we got married.

How did I end up here in my life? yes I do feel very trapped and powerless.

this is not it *

Oh also if I had said to him 'No can you get up' 1) he has already had a massive lie in compared to me, so what is a few more minutes. 2) He would have moaned and made a fuss of how tiered he is all day, how he's struggling with work etc. He'd never directly moan about me asking him to get up, but he would moan about the tiredness and the general topic.

He's got up now, so got to go. But he's now on damage control. Being as nice as pie to me and the kids and giving DD1 treats like playing on the computer which he would never normally do.