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Original poster

Me again. ..

558 replies

CalmAndConfused · 14/11/2014 16:57

hi,

I've had several posts on here about mine and my husband's relationship. The last post was because he said we should separate, however we then decided to give it one last go...which part of me feels is just prolonging the inevitable.

Anyway I'm am going out with friends tonight (first time in over a year), and H made comments on the underwear I'm wearing. He always asks if there will be males there if I go places without him...even asking me one time when I was going to a funeral (aparantly I was taking this wrong and he was meaning it as a compliment about him thinking I looked nice Hmm ) .

Also he keeps going on about how I mustn't be to late in case the kids wake up...

Is all this normal as it makes me feel like crap and means I can't enjoy my time out as I am clock watching etc

OP posts:
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mummytime · 18/11/2014 10:51

Okay two things.

  1. if you think he may turn violent or he scares you - phone the police. You may just want to phone the 101 number to get a flag on your number, just in case.

  2. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT - if anything you can blame your Father, who trained you to accept this kind of relationship. Don't do the same for your children.

tipsytrifle · 18/11/2014 13:09

You are amazing Calm! You've got this huge sense of Presence now, suddenly. Before, a few posts ago, you were like a lost shadow...

Now you're ready to be free! Now you can and will make it so!

I wouldn't advise getting a dog or any pet until he is removed from your life. I actually wouldn't trust him not to have an "accident" with it. Certainly animals pick up on vibes too so it would be better til the air is cleaned of gtbxh. I also LOVE how you made the switch to that acronym! Bee did it too!!

I'm just doing a happy dance for you. I know there's any number of painful moments to come but really ... how awesome are you!!

BeeOrchid · 18/11/2014 20:53

BTW, dog knows he's my dog. I'm the one he follows around. I'm the one he watches and waits for. Dogs are less easily fooled than some humans.

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 18/11/2014 22:27

Will update later on today /tonight. so tiered I need sleep and also to process everything

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Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 19/11/2014 05:23

Right, 1st off I agree we can drop the confused part! From here on I am just Calm.

Tonight was very interesting. It started with him telling me off for letting DD take her tablet to bed as we put her up very early so she was settled for her Nana. I had old her it could be her treat just this once if she was good. But no apparently I was wrong for doing that, I can;t make decisions he doesn't like, and he basically told me to not let her take it up with her. I ignored him Grin It went on like this over everything it seemed until we left.

In the car something clicked in my brain. GTBExH will get moody, have a go at me, order me about etc. I will then either get annoyed or withdraw into myself once he has pushed me far enough with this. Once I do this and have stewed for a bit, GTBExH will then do the whole caring routine. Nicely ask me what is wrong, try and be affectionate and so on - it is so fucked up really isn't it.

Oh and GTBExH hit the metal barrier at the end of the parking space in the multistory car park. If I had done this to his precious car he would have gone ape shit and not stopped going on about it, for weeks. Of course I was meant to forgive him straight away, as he didn't mean it and there was no damage. He didn't get that I actually didn't give too much of a shit about him doing that to my car, what I gave a shit about was the double bloody standards yet again in the relationship.

I am sitting here with DD2 atm and I just want him out of the house now. I am so done with all of this. I'm starting to getting quite angry at the way I have let him treat me my whole adult life. Who the hell does he think he is. Well no bloody more. I will live a life I actually can enjoy, without having to stress over every little aspect of it.

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Coyoacan · 19/11/2014 05:36

It is so great to see how quickly you are processing this all, Calm.

I genuinely can't remember, is there any reason you can't just tell him that you have realised that there is no point in trying at the relationship and would he mind going?

If there is, just keep making your plans, now at least you have it all sorted out in your mind and heart, which is the hardest part.

Saltedcaramel2014 · 19/11/2014 05:50

OP of course it takes time to make a decision like this, especially with children involved, come back and back again, for as long as you need and want to. People do sometimes get frustrated in real life and I guess online too (and that post was nasty) when they see you're not doing what they would/what they would want you too - but that's their problem, not yours, and it's because they lack understanding of what an abusive relationship is.

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 19/11/2014 06:19

Thank you so much saltedcaramel. I could just ask him to leave I guess, but I need to get benefits and things like that in order first I think. And yes while I want him gone and to be done with it now, it is still very scary to be taking that step. I think I will be telling him shortly though, as I have my name down for the puppy at Christmas. So to me this is my new start and my deadline. I want him to have left by then so I can have a stress free Christmas.

OP posts:
Saltedcaramel2014 · 19/11/2014 06:43

Sounds like a plan, Calm. You seem really focused.

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 19/11/2014 07:39

Ok, so the plan going forwards is to apply for benefits, as when I ask GTBExH to leave I need to be financially able to manage. How does this work? How do I apply?

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BeeOrchid · 19/11/2014 07:45

Morning Calm, do you have a CAB near you? They can do what they call a Benefit Check which will tell you all the benefits you're entitled to and how to apply. Sadly you can't always rely on benefits people to tell you.
Glad you're feeling so much stronger. However a stress free Christmas and a puppy? Grin.
Still, a puppy doesn't micromanage your life and criticise you into a shadow of your former self. What's a few puddles and chewed belongings compared to that?

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 19/11/2014 07:59

Ugh GTBExH has just got up. He is so rude to DD1 all the time. Tells her to 'get off' or 'leave me alone' if she wants a cuddle. Tells her to 'shift', 'move' etc. Never please, or thank you. Never worded nicely. Everything is a barked order with zero patients. I've also noticed this morning that he doesn't let me set my own boundaries with her - he tells her and me how she should behave/interact with me, and gets annoyed if actually I am happy to have her do x, y or z.

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Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 19/11/2014 08:03

Morning Bee :) I do have a CAB near me, I have sent them an e-mail and will ring them when GTBExH goes out around lunch today. Hopefully I can get the ball rolling on the benefits, then all I have left I think is solicitor to check my rights and then ask him to leave.

Hehe a puppy and Christmas is my idea of a good time! Yes it'll be stressful, but a good, happy stress. Not like how it is now as you say :)

How are you doing with your journey?

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mix56 · 19/11/2014 08:20

OP, I am delighted you have had the courage to end this misery. Bravo, and
I believe you must get your dog, but the timing may be off. You ultimately will have to get a job ! even in the near future, you may have to be out seeing councillors or whatever..... have you got a safely fenced garden ??
You can't just leave a puppy/dog alone for half a day

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 19/11/2014 08:29

Yes!! GTBExH is going to be late home tonight. It will mean a lovely calm bedtimes with DD1 and DD2, and then some me time before he gets home!

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Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 19/11/2014 08:34

Mix yes I do have a secure garden. I am training next year (I finish off my MSc) and have a 5 month old, so I won't be getting a job for at least a year. I think ultimately it makes sense to get a pup now, as I will have the most spare time now. Also I have my mum and sister nearby who are more than happy to help :)

Ugh GTBExH has had to ask me how to get to his parents - ffs he's a grown fucking man.

Oh and the morning routine of asking about every bloody thing I am doing, the kids are doing has started. It is so bloody draining.

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Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 19/11/2014 10:43

Oh ffs he's not out late now :(

Also he's just picking on everything DD1 does - finding fucking fault with everything.

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Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 19/11/2014 11:11

ok so he actually walks into the room and if I don't look at him he actually flounces off sighing and in a mood...and then comes back and asks what my problem is. sorry that probably sounds really silly and stupid of me to notice.

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tipsytrifle · 19/11/2014 12:05

Not stupid of you to notice at all; stupid of him to be so flouncy though. In a way it demeans him. makes him a smaller monster, perhaps? I now have a vision of him in a tutu, twirling around and around in a "look it's meeeee" sort of way. I wonder if you could open the front door and swirl him out in one spin?

Sorry, I get carried away by visuals sometimes. It must be tempting to just say it. If you want him out by Christmas (what a wonderful gift to you and DC that would be) then it's worth some serious planning. I don't think you can apply for benefits until he's actually gone but I'm not sure of this.

bodumfan · 19/11/2014 13:16

no not stupid of you to notice -in fact it's a good sign....means that you're recognising the day to day controlling and oppression that you've been living for years...and normalising.

In the past, H would only have to come into the room and start talking for me to stop what I was doing and give him my full attention. I could be reading, watching tv, typing, talking to the DC's - he would still expect attention.

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 19/11/2014 13:51

Omg yes, GTBExH gets so jelous if I am talking to the kids and he wants attention, he is talking and they need me, I am watching tv or reading! Also if I am doing something like me colouring in book (a complicated one designed for adults! It calms my mind and anxiety) he will come through and ask me what I am doing x for...

Ugh I think it's going to come to head soon. He has started with asking me why I am hostile, how I won't talk about it, how I am using tiredness as a excuse etc etc etc. Usually this will end in him then asking me if I want to separate... should I just say yes this time and let him leave?

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Itsfab · 19/11/2014 13:54

Just a point about your puppy. Have you told your friend not to say anything to your husband?

FunkyBoldRibena · 19/11/2014 14:05

should I just say yes this time and let him leave?

You say 'Of course we should split. Hope the door doesn't smack you on the arse on your way out. Bye'.

Itsfab · 19/11/2014 14:07

Please be careful. I am concerned about what he could do to you.

I would be thinking about phoning the police and telling them you are trying to leave your husband and given he choked you a few years ago you are worried he will turn violent again.

Itsfab · 19/11/2014 14:10

He is above you. He likes belittling you. You are the mouse to his cat.

Obviously this is what he thinks, none of it is correct.