Me again. ..

[CalmAndConfused]

hi,

I've had several posts on here about mine and my husband's relationship. The last post was because he said we should separate, however we then decided to give it one last go...which part of me feels is just prolonging the inevitable.

Anyway I'm am going out with friends tonight (first time in over a year), and H made comments on the underwear I'm wearing. He always asks if there will be males there if I go places without him...even asking me one time when I was going to a funeral (aparantly I was taking this wrong and he was meaning it as a compliment about him thinking I looked nice ) .

Also he keeps going on about how I mustn't be to late in case the kids wake up...

Is all this normal as it makes me feel like crap and means I can't enjoy my time out as I am clock watching etc

Thank you all so much, I feel like crying atm. My childhood was not far off horrific tbh with you, and my mum stayed with my father as she thought it was better for all us as children. My father was physically, verbally, sexually and emotionally abusive to at least me and my mother, and physically, verbally and emotionally abusive to my brothers.

What my life is right now is nowhere near as bad as what I grew up in. So perhaps that is one reason I've stayed. Another I think is that since we first got together my H had saif we are soul mates, we are meant to be learning life's lessons together etc. This means that if I leave him I am also going against some ingrained thoughts. On a side note while at 16 I did believe in soul mates, I am not so nieve any more and realise there is not just one right person for someone.

It's crazy, we have just had an argument because I sold one of our 2 travel systems (the same system, but one in black one in a different colour). H was adamant he only knew of one and would not accept that I was not wrong and that we did in fact have 2

I wish I could just wake up and for this to all be over. To be on my own with my kids in our own place

I wish he would do something big like hit me again so I had a concrete reason to leave. Not something I can get confused over, over think and excuse away.

I wish sometimes*

Your unhappiness is concrete reason enough.

His controlling way is another.

Perhaps you need to try, hard though it is, to sidestep his brainwashing and your - forgive me - distorted sense of what's acceptable, normal or even just "better than ... "

When I was in my cage with the master of trickery and mind abuse, I was erased by hours of him demonstrating what a dysfunctional family I had, how much he understood that I was, therefore, wrong about everything. But he still loved me, despite my damaged nature. How lucky was I? Hell, I wouldn't even have had a clue about feminism if he hadn't taught me how to be one.

When I woke up to his control, I used to pray he would hit me instead. People would see something real. I would see something real. He had turned me against my self in almost every way possible. He promised to destroy me when I said time was up, but in material ways he already had with the isolation, loss of friends who were scared off by his direct threats (i found out much later) and the financial shit he kept me in.

In truth we ALL deserve better than "better than"

omg tipsytrifle when you put:

When I was in my cage with the master of trickery and mind abuse, I was erased by hours of him demonstrating what a dysfunctional family
I had, how much he understood that I was, therefore, wrong
about everything. But he still loved me, despite my damaged nature.
How lucky was I?

H had said almost exactly this too me many times. In his words 'no one else would put up with you. But I (H) do because I love you so much*

I hate it when he is in this best behaviour trying phase. It makes me so confused as I can see him as the person I used to love...and I then think surely he can stay this way...maybe this time it will be different.

But I'm kidding myself aren't I?

When I emotionally detach from him, like now, he will promise me the world, everything I want and more. But surely we should be happy right here right now, not having to wait for the magical right circumstances. When we have more money, more time, less stress, etc?

Arg, bold fail!

CAndC - I'm sorry that made so much sense to you. I'm sorry that you felt that so keenly. But sorry doesn't solve a problem really. And you have a problem here. There is never a magical right time, only ever increasingly bad and worse ones. When your light goes out and your energy is drained.

When you try so hard to believe the empty promises and proposals. But your throat is closed and your heart knows they are cruel lies.

Listen to your heart. Put the books down and listen to the deep Inside You.

(bold failed because it needed more * along the way, beginning and end of every line)

The lies we tell ourselves are potent ...

Thank you Tipsy. Sadly I know deep down you are right. We have been doing this same dance so long I can barely remember it being any different.

How do I do this? What steps do I take. Both emotionally and practically.

If you have made a decision then I think you need to talk with someone in RL. I don't know what your housing situation is or your finances. Women's Aid might be good to talk with by way of info and planning. They can be hard to get through to and it might require some persistence. Others here are better at the practicalities than I.

The dance is draining but someone has to end it.

I guess it's about housing, finance, dc and seeing a lawyer. Many do a half hour free. There are others on MN who are way better skilled than I at material advice and planning. Plan a little before mentioning to him that you'd like him to go away forever. Would he leave, do you think?

Read BeeOrchid's thread perhaps for some help with the journey

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2202873-Im-being-abused-but-I-feel-stuck-and-scared?

There are others on her thread with a grasp of "what to do next"

paxtecum - you have a bloody cheek calling people abusive.

People are harsh because they are concerned about the OP and her children and are trying to make her wake up. You carry on with your there, there crap.

OP - he is promising the world because he senses you are getting wise to him and will leave, it is all bollocks to suck you back in.

He causes your CHILDREN distress as a way of controlling you.

He IS abusing you and what he is doing is "concrete" enough to leave.

You had a horrible children so you KNOW what it is like, why are you letting your children go through the same?

People want you happy and safe. You don't have time to see how much you can put up with or how much more he can tighten the noose or what else he can subject your children too. Men kill their children and partners when they know they are losing them.

Read the many threads on here about abusive men and then read the wife's posts when they are free.

Don't waste any more of your life with this controlling abusive bully.

Live your life. Not dread it.

horrible childhood. You children are not horrible .

Hi OP I have read through your whole thread and you could be me.
The difference is I have been married 24 years.

It makes me so angry to read some if the comments others have posted on here. It takes great courage for us to start a thread. Each one a slight variation of the last. We are telling ourselves to get a grip... To leave and have a chance of happiness. We don't need others getting frustrated and annoyed with us. We do that to ourselves.

Like you, I suffer with extreme anxiety.
We DO know what we should do. But we hope that as if by magic our h will see the light and change. We love them and we are desperate for our marriages to work. And give them chance after chance to make the change. What if this time they mean it.

Sadly I understand too well. I told my h that I had had enough 3 months ago. I am waiting for him to move out. I don't recognise the man I have been living with these last 3 months. He has changed. Stopped drinking. Says he loves me and that's all he wants. But it's too late for me. I feel differently. I feel sorry for him. And sorry that he didn't try before I hit rock bottom.

I sincerely hope that you do what's right for you. X

Sift through the negative comments (people can be cruel for no reason and it's rarely actually about you). Focus on the helpful comments. That applies to both the stuff on here and the things your husband says!

Don't dwell on 'how did I end up here in my life'. It's scarily easy to end up somewhere we didn't intend or imagine and happens to the best of us. There is always a way through though.

Lastly, take the time you need to come to decision you feel is right. Sometimes you know what the best thing to do is, but it takes a while to be ready to action it. And that's ok.

Hi OP. Please don't feel guilty about posting and being undecided. I know how hard it is.

I was in the same boat, never going out and all he'll broke loose when I asked him to babysit - even if I was just going to parents evening.

He asked why I was 'tarted up', who was going to be there, when I would be back, phone me to inform me that our youngest child was not settling, that he forgot to bring the rabbits in and the children were frightened, as a fox had been by the rabbit cage and were now both crying, that they wanted me, and each and every time I came home to upset, crying children.

Needless to say, I stopped going out altogether with this pandemonium going on every time I set a foot outside the door.

I stayed with him for 14 years. It is very hard to leave an abusive relationship, because it is abusive and you are so trapped and feel unable to cope on your own.

Do one step at a time, but do get in touch with WA, he needn't know about it.

Good luck!

Calmandconfused - when you ask what steps you should take, well I think the way it will work is that to begin with, and after a particularly bad episode, you will make an appointment with whatever solicitor you can find who will give you a session's free advice, so you will have a rough idea of your rights.

Then you will go back home and everything will suddenly seem better, so you will do nothing.

Then something else will happen and you will seek more advice...meanwhile you will do as much research online as you can - wikivorce etc

If you get to the stage that you've held it together for that many years (and stopped going out with your friends along the way as it was too much effort) telling yourself it was better for the kids to have their Dad around, at some point said kids will turn round and ask you why you haven't left him!!!

Really you have to be emotionally enough detached to make the decision yourself to decide to make the move. The people on here are here to support you in this but it has to be YOU. Some people might seem harsh, but it is their way of helping you towards that decision

Also along the way you have to learn to take back control and predict how he is going to act in advance. One way I did this was when I was getting ready to go out one night, freshly showered, CD blaring, glass of wine in hand and doing the make up (with the other!) HE came in and quietly lay on the bed. As soon as he said "I don't see why...." I literally yelled at him "If you are here to try to ruin my evening you can fuck right off" He spluttered a bit and quietly left....god it felt good

I managed 21 years before DD1 begged me to leave him. Now going through a shitty divorce but me and the girls have never been happier in that he's not around to ruin the mood!

Really the ball is in your court....and when you make the move you will get loads of support on here.

OP - you do not have to have been abused to end a relationship. You can make that decision at any time for whatever reason you want.

However in your case, it is definitely abusive to work you like that.

I think the first step is Women's Aid.

Thank you all so much, even the harsh posters who are telling me what I tell myself. It is hard for me as after seeing what my mum went through, this doesn't seem abusive now the violence has stopped. back then I should have left when he chocked me on the floor and I almost passed out, but this was 6 years ago now...

tonight I feel that deep down I know that I need to leave him, and I got a crazy urge during dinner to tell him I want to separate.

Tonight he knows I'm not my usual self, so he wanted sex. It has to do with him feeling I'm fine with him. Anyway last night I got about 3 hours sleep and was up at 5 with DD2., so I said no I'm too tiered. He says basically that I wouldn't have to do anything (he would ensure I was satisfied so wouldn't just be using me). I said no again and we went up to bed to watch TV. He has a sulk on about it and then asked me why if I was so tired had I brought my laptop up with me. ..

I do know I'm the one who has to make the decision and put it into action (wish I could hire someone to do it ) and you can only support. but your support is invaluable, so thank you.

I see people have suggested I ring women's aid. surely I'd be wasting their time. What would I even say.

oh and people who have been through this : when did you confide you were planning to leave to someone I. e mum, sister or friend?

princess you have put everything I think and feel more succinctly than I ever could.

I see people have suggested I ring women's aid. surely I'd be wasting their time. What would I even say.

You wouldn't be wasting their time, they advise people on how to leave abusive relationships regularly. Just phone them and say you'd like some advice on your relationship as you think (and have been told by others) it is abusive and you need to leave but you don't know how.

Hi Calm

You asked when we confided in someone when we decided it was time to leave...
To be honest your immediate family will already suspect or know that h is controlling, jealous, abusive, manipulative etc. if they are like my family they have sat on the sideline holding their breath and waiting for me to say Enough.
The trouble with that is when you eventually do voice your acknowledgement to them, they almost expect you to be able to walk away. Just like that.
And we know that it takes masses of courage. And so you feel a little bit more pressure because now your mum, sister, brother and friends all have heard you say ' I can't put up with this anymore' .

If it helps I can only tell you from my experience. 2 years ago the anxiety I was suffering was debilitating that I couldn't leave the house. After lots of therapy and medication I got myself in a better place. I got a job. Self preservation is paramount for me. I take things very slowly.
Over the last year I have regained control of my life. I earn my own money. And the more control I have gained back the less control my h has.

So now I am questioned about what I spend my money on, who I have been out with, who is texting me. He is jealous of our grown up sons. He is jealous of the relationship I have with my sons, my brother, my sister.... The list is endless. The more he loses control the more jealous and insecure he feels.

I have seen a solicitor and told h I have been. I have been 100% faithful and honest. But I'm tired. I want a stress free life with peace and quiet and no dramas. My problem is that I feel responsible for him. I feel sorry that we couldn't make it work.

Baby steps Calm. We will get there x

Please phone WA. Tell them about your situation and they will put you in touch with a support worker. They will even use 'code names' and for example pretend they are a friend (which they are, really) or another mum from the school when they phone you and he picks up your mobile phone.

You can just meet up with your support worker and take things from there.

Why don't you just do that. But you must not tell him anything, nor anyone else, especially not family. They may just decide to take matters I to their own hs DS and talk to him, before you are ready and you may not even want to tell him yourself.

The biggest mistake you can make right now is tell him that you may wish to separate.

And make sure you don't change your behaviour towards him, while you are making plans.