Me again. ..

[CalmAndConfused]

hi,

I've had several posts on here about mine and my husband's relationship. The last post was because he said we should separate, however we then decided to give it one last go...which part of me feels is just prolonging the inevitable.

Anyway I'm am going out with friends tonight (first time in over a year), and H made comments on the underwear I'm wearing. He always asks if there will be males there if I go places without him...even asking me one time when I was going to a funeral (aparantly I was taking this wrong and he was meaning it as a compliment about him thinking I looked nice ) .

Also he keeps going on about how I mustn't be to late in case the kids wake up...

Is all this normal as it makes me feel like crap and means I can't enjoy my time out as I am clock watching etc

princess you are right, I do feel responsible for him, it is like having another child. I don't want to make his life more difficult and I always put his needs first, yet getting the strength and courage to leave him will mean putting me first. ..something I never do. I feel so selfish and nasty that I would do this. It reminds me of the saying 'I can't live with him and I can't live without him '.

to everyone else : I had no idea WA helped to such a degree. I thought they were just a advice line I. e will advise you about your relationship and situation when you ring up, but then that's it. I will try and work up the courage to ring them Monday. It's hard for me as phone calls are one of my anxiety triggers.

Is it really necessary to keep H in the dark and not just tell him when he asks what's up that I want to separate? last week he very calmly said we should separate amicably. Though perhaps he had changed tactics on getting me to stay... I never know what he's really thinking about anything as he tells everyone different things.

Just rereading princess's post and I've realised every time I'm typing on my phone H asks who I'm talking to. when I'm speaking on the phone he always asks who is it while I'm actually on the phone! Once off the phone he asks what did whoever want...because to him there must have been a reason to ring.

When I was at uni and lived the other end of the country to my family, my mum would ring once a week for a catch up. This always pissed H off no end. even now if my mum phones he gets annoyed and tell me she's always on the phone for so long. He will even on occasion keep coming into the room tapping his watch, sighing etc because he wants to do something together like watch TV etc. oh and if I do favours to help my family out H says they are controlling, manipulating etc and asks what I'm getting out of it.

Tbh the phone stuff I thought was normal even though I don't do it to him.

Oh my. You can't even talk on the telephone to who you want? When you want?

I can understand if it was for an hour every day or something but your h is really being controlling here.

I can, he doesn't actually stop me. However it means that I'll either have to deal with him acting all petulant, complaining how long my mum talks for, asking what so and so wanted etc.

An example is he has a work do coming up so we need my mum to babysit. when he told me I said oh I'll give her a quick ring and ask her. He then asks me if I can't do it the next day as my mum will talk for ages and he thought we were going to watch something...

I've just realised writing this that I used to ring mum just to chat. now I only ring her for something specific

Keep posting, Calm - the more you reflect upon things, the more you will realise that things aren't quite right. You are so used to 'his way of thinking' and avoiding conflict, therefore it will take a while until the brainwashing wears off.

Do phone WA. When I first phoned them they immediately offered help, they are very understanding and it is a total misconception that they only help in cases of physical violence. They won't pressurise you, but they will be there for you. I had a brilliant support worker who was with me all the way from planning to leave the relationship to court hearings and beyond.

Do phone WA. I would phone them for you, if I could.

I wish I could just wake up and for this to all be over. To be on my own with my kids in our own place.

You can but you will have to plan. Your relationship is abusive, a different kind to that of your parents, but abusive all the same. Your appalling childhood set you up for your abusive marriage and it will in turn, set your children up for dysfunctional relationships.

Have you seen a counsellor? You have a lifetimes worth of abuse to work through and you can't do it on your own because your 'normal' is so skewed that it is at best, a useless reference point and at worst, the key to your self Inprisonment.

If leaving is too big of a step right now, take smaller steps. Find a good councellor and start at beginning, your awful father and your parents terrible marriage. Make an appointment with Women's Aid (let the experts assess your 'worthiness' for support).

You can do this, you're much stronger than you give yourself credit for (I know this because you survived your childhood) and most importantly you and kids deserve better.

Small steps lead to bigger steps.

he doesn't actually stop me...

Gosh how that rings true. They don't actually stop you but things end up being such a hassle that you just give up for easy life. As time goes by you have less friends, less interests, less everything... and the day you do put your foot down it is ten times worse, because if you always accepted it before, you must be up to no good to take a stand now.

I would love to get counselling Tbh but I can't afford it. I have had 6 weeks for my anxiety as it's all you get in my area and the woman was pretty useless.

I'm definitely going to try and ring women's aid tomorrow. Fingers crossed I can do it. ..If not for me then for my babies. I would die if they were ever in an abusive relationship.

got his parents coming over soon

If you got a job, you could afford it, it all starts with one step. You and your babies deserve better than this and only you can change it.

I've looked into benefits today and I would get enough to manage each month. so that's good to know. He is in niceness overdrive today and it's really annoying me... He obviously knows how to be a nice person...

Arh sorry I see what you mean! afford the counselling with a job. true I guess but the money wouldn't be mine to spend, I'd have to account for what it's going on to H

Do you know what? I'm pretty sure your anxiety will resolve itself once you break with him too. He is making you anxious.

You said upthread: making phone calls is one of my anxiety triggers

Then you said later: when I am on the phone he asks who it is, comes into the room, taps his watch, sighs, questions me later about who it was and what they wanted.

Can you see the link?
I promise you won't always be anxious. I know you'll be reading this thinking 'how can a complete stranger know that' but I know sure as I know my name that your anxiety is driven by trying to please him.

As long as you continue your expose to this man, your anxiety does not stand a chance of healing.

You aren't helpless, it feels like it because nearly everything you think and do references back to him in some way. That's the genius thing about this level of emotional abuse, the perpetrator doesn't have to be in the same post code to exert control.

Being the bookkeeper has its advantages, if you divorce him, financial jiggery pokery will be harder for him to commit.

Your all so right. I used to be very decisive, but now I struggle to make decisions. If I make a decision I know he won't like the anxiety of doing so eats me up.

When his parents were round we were talking about Xmas and I mentioned I'd got x for one of my brothers and it cost y which was a very good deal. It was slightly over budget. H berated me for it in front of his parents and his mum actually told him to back off and verbally stood up for me. He then started telling me why was I buying present, he thought I was going to make food hampers and so on. I was initially going to do this but had had a discussion with him a while ago that it would work out more expensive to do that. ..and for the last month I've been showing him people's presents as they've been delivered. so why does he go back over old ground and claim it's the first he's heard of it

He also wanted to use my laptop yesterday. .. I said no I was looking at presents. cue the interigation about who what and why. I said for DD1 and he then gets pissy because I'd previously said I think I'd finished buying for her.... I am never allowed to change my mind it feels. Thinking about it, it also feels I'm not allowed to have my own opinion. When I do voice a differing one to him I get asked what is wrong with me, why am I in a bad mood etc...

Morning calm! You are now seeing exactly what the problem is, your relationship is not remotely a partnership of equals, he is the boss of you at the moment.

For me, there was one particular thing I wanted to do which he did everything he could to mess up. That was the final straw and it really brought it home to me how little regard he has for me. Once that switch had gone in my head I could see the things he did on a daily basis where his wishes overrode mine.

I feel so much calmer now that I am not trying to please him (and the anti-anxiety pills are helping, but I won't need them forever).

I meant to say - keep noticing these things each day - it will really help to get over the guilty feeling you'll get when he is being nice.

Thank you gotthetshirt. You are completely right. whenever we have a disagreement things are resolved his way. If I fight my corner I get told I am bullying him and that everything is always done my way! It's crazy. Oh and his feelings and needs always override mine.

I'm just so worried he's going to reel me back in...He always manages to I may have a deadline I need to work to though. H has a job interview where if he gets it we would need to move and rent somewhere else. obviously I don't wan to be stuck in a new rent contract with him, plus the house we're at now I could afford on my own. If he doesn't get the job then we'd be looking to move anyway in April.

Just keep thinking how have I been so stupid after my childhood. Why the hell didn't I leave when he first hit me.

Leaving now because he hit you six years ago Is legitimate. If someone said to you "I left my husband because he used to be very violent with me and now I still don't trust him"you would totally understand. No one would question you leaving for historic abuse because it changes a relationship for the worse even if it happens once.
Violence is a good reason to leave. It doesn't matter when it happened.

I have just rung WA and am very shocked. The woman confirmed I am in an abusive relationship and has given e a number fir an outreach worker. I am literally shaking . I actually thought she would turn round and say it's not abusive. So much of what I told her, to me was normal and acceptable, but to her it wasn't... I thought I was an intelligent, strong woman with a few normal problems in my relationship. If I ever talk to H about it he also says our problems (minus the historic violence) are normal. Fuck I can't stop shaking. I am very cold and feel sick too

WTF is wrong with me though. Even after the phone call I am still trying to explain his behaviour away. I'm wondering if I should have told her that he says he would like to help around the house/with the kids, but that he just needs to be shown how because of his issues. That at the moment he has pulled his sock up so to speak and is helping out slightly more.

He has started trying with our DD1, but after 4 years of them not building a relationship it is hard. He makes me feel guilty that she listens to me and not him.

I just want to go to bed and cry, but I can't because I have the kids to look after...

Can I just remind you to delete your posting history on your laptop, if you aren't already. I'm wondering why he wanted to borrow it.

Just get out. Get to the gp, get beta blockers and antidepressants, steel yourself and get the fuck out. I can GUARANTEE the reason you suffer anxiety is because of this man. I bet my house on the fact that once you are free of him, you will get better and recover. It is heart breaking that your daughter (interesting, another female in his life) is being emotionally abused by your h.

You are intelligent and dedicated enough to do an MSc. But the making of many women is leaving their abusive h. There was a wonderful reunion edition of woman's hour on radio 4 about the people who set up and first used refuge back in the 1970s. Maybe listen to it on I player? It may inspire you as these women wax lyrical about how their lives began when they left - and, more importantly, their children's lives began.

Yes - he knows how to be a nice person but chooses not to. So why stay?

What is the house situation - rented? Mortgage?

See here's the thing. I am a nice person. Therefore, to the people closest to me, I am nice all the time. I don't switch my niceness on and off. I am nice (totm and occasional stress-fests excepted).

Your husband is not nice to you most of the time. He occasionally chooses to be nice - what does that tell you about him? Does it make you think he is a nice person? Or does it make you think that his niceness is something he can turn off and on when it suits him - I mean, who does that?

You need some head space to digest what WA have said, but yes, you are in an abusive relationship. Now what you need to do is start planning your escape. ((((hugs and strength)))

Just typed a long reply and it disappeared.

I have briefly read a few of your posts and I could have written them myself. It is shocking to realise you are in an abusive relationship, that's why you feel shaky. I've spent quite a lot of the last few weeks ice cold and shaking, especially when I've asked for RL help.
The realisations, such as realising you contact your mum minimally or that H's feelings are always more important than yours keep coming. It is liberating and shocking at the same time.
I also would bet a large sum on your anxiety being caused by this relationship. I have felt bone-tired for years, now STBXH is about to leave I am energised and full of plans.
Be brave and strong for your DCs. They are already in a dysfunctional relationship. My children are now young adults and I can see the effect my marriage has had on them. I wish I'd had MN years ago .
I read your full thread later today. Please feel free to come across to mine, tipsy posted a link.

Ignore anyone whose been less than supportive on here, if you haven't been there you can struggle to understand.