Me again. ..

[CalmAndConfused]

hi,

I've had several posts on here about mine and my husband's relationship. The last post was because he said we should separate, however we then decided to give it one last go...which part of me feels is just prolonging the inevitable.

Anyway I'm am going out with friends tonight (first time in over a year), and H made comments on the underwear I'm wearing. He always asks if there will be males there if I go places without him...even asking me one time when I was going to a funeral (aparantly I was taking this wrong and he was meaning it as a compliment about him thinking I looked nice ) .

Also he keeps going on about how I mustn't be to late in case the kids wake up...

Is all this normal as it makes me feel like crap and means I can't enjoy my time out as I am clock watching etc

Ok OP - when you get a chance, lets look at how you can get a life you wanted. Remember that the nice things are just him pretending, it's the nasty that is the real him.

I think you should post as many times as you need to and not apologise for it. Ignore those who have been impatient with you on this thread. They don't get it.

It takes a long time to get to the headspace where you can leave an abusive relationship. I posted many times about my ex who was horrendously abusive in every way possibly. I name changed as I knew people simply wouldn't understand why I kept posting for advice and didn't just leave. I did get there in the end and you will too. Abusive people mess with your head and your thought processes. Children's brains actually develop differently when they are brought up by an abusive parent, thats how much affect it has.

So just keep posting until you're ready, that's what I did and here I am. I made it.

He deliberately upset your kids to punish you for going out.

This is not a healthy relationship and your kids are suffering for it. Please take steps to separate if It's already come up.

OP - keep coming back here for support, just take as long as you need.

He is being extremely manipulative.

Think about yesterday - your first evening out with friends in ages, something most people like to do fairly regularly. He was unpleasant to you before you went out. He then looked after the kids badly so you come home to chaos. He also said that he was concerned about you going out after dark.

How does this make you feel? Well, your response was "It really isn't fair on anyone me leaving them to go out."

That isn't the bit that is unfair...
what is unfair is that he makes you feel crap before you go out
what is unfair that he "worries" about you going out after dark, which as a grown woman is a perfectly normal thing to do, he is just trying to guilt trip you
what is unfair is that he deliberately upsets the kids so you come home to chaos and he then guilt trips you into thinking that this is your fault

Do you treat him in such a way when he goes out?

Every time he makes you feel like crap so you don't get to do something you want to do, break it down and ask yourself if you would do the same to him....

If it helps, mine would start an argument whenever I went out, when I realised this I pulled him up on it and he did stop. I felt like I had stood up for myself and "won" the right to act as an independent adult.

The problem was, that I didn't notice all the more subtle ways he got me to prioritise he needs at all times, so 15 years later I am finally getting round to divorcing him.

The weight off my shoulders knowing that I am no longer trying to keep him happy is immense. I find it hard to do it for "me", right now, as my extended family will probably be upset and it will be awkward, so I am doing it for "me in 20 years", I feel that retirement age lady needs protecting.

you've probably seen this before but it's worth another read, really helped me to see what was going on

Thank you so much everyone.

BeenThere H actually very rarely goes out. He's a massive introvert and really doesn't like to socialise with people and is quite happy to stay in every night. It drives me mad tbh. He is so used to no-one going out that as soon as he comes home from work he locks the door and hangs the keys up, even last night when he knew I was going out. But no, if he was to ever go out (I would love him to), then no I would not treat him like this.

Last night as soon as I said I was on my way home he replied with a text telling me good because the kid were going mental, so I stressed the whole way home.

I do pull him up on how he sulks and acts when I go out etc however he tells me that it is all in my heads and then we have a fight over me 'imagining things'.

Is he really doing all this deliberately or could it be subconscious? When we got together and talked about kids etc I mentioned how his dad is (shockingly bad, H even remembers his dad hitting his mum). He assured me he would never be like his dad, that he would be hands on with the kids etc. He is actually worse than his dad, and was worse with the physical violence till we got married.

He's just asked what I am typing, so I'm going to have to go again.

Plus he's just shouted at DD for dropping her beaker near him accidentally.

And thank you funky I would love to start working towards the life I actually want to be living. Unfortunately I also wanted this to be with him, but he/our relationship is never going to change is he?

Re-read what you've written:

"I am so down most of the time he is around. Though it is good when he is out of the house."

"I do feel very trapped and powerless."

"it has been an abusive relationship in the past - including physically"

"To those asking what I want with my life - no, this is not it"

"I don't like him"

"He is actually worse than his dad"

"I don't hate H, so in my head I guess it's not bad enough to warrant him leaving" I would say, you perhaps don't hate him yet.

Just how bad are you waiting for this to get, before you are spurred into action?

It is deliberate. Eventually you won't go out because now he is not only punishing you but your DC.

That is abusive.

If you don't have the strength to do it for yourself. Save your kids from this car crash of what they should expect from a relationship when they get older based on yours.

He is actually worse than his dad, and was worse with the physical violence till we got married.

I didn't realise he had been violent with you in the past! It is good if he is no longer violent. HOWEVER, that is probably because you now take an awful lot of care to ensure you don't make him that angry.

Have you looked at the freedom programme? I think you need to. A partner should be a friend who supports you, not someone who manipulates you and considers his needs far more important than yours.

Please please please leave him. What can we do to help you take the next step?

I have looked into it, but one I don't have the money + H would ask what it was for and 2) I'm not being abused like some women, so would it really apply to me.

How do I equate ho bad he can be with how supportive he can be? For example when we spoke of splitting he said he would like to do it amicably and that the money saved from him working 2 jobs, which we were using to save up for my MSc, I can still have?

I just found reading some of the initial pages (look inside) of the freedom book useful on amazon.

You don't have to be in the worst situation to decide to leave, you can actually leave for whatever reason you want, but emotional abuse is definitely a good reason to leave. Maybe you could phone Women's Aid and speak to someone there.

Go to the page where she describes "the friend" - that is what you should have in a partner.
www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Dominator-Pat-Craven-ebook/dp/B003G2ZHPW/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1416052282&sr=1-1&keywords=freedom+programme

You can post on here as much as you like - it took my poor mum 30 years to leave my dad.
You CAN leave him. You WILL be ok. I think when you have witnessed things and have first hand experience of abusive relationships they become your measure and your tolerance is higher. This is NOT ok.
This is no life for any of you. Think how confused your children will be today as he has turned on the charm offensive. They need continuity and you can provide this- you need to repair you a bit though.
We are all here though for advice :)

Looked quickly at the 'friend' page (can't do much more - H is here). H is none of those things listed on that page he provides for me financially, sometimes tells me I'm clever, look good etc, but very rarely. But that's it... He didn't even tell me he was proud of me when I got my degree. When he got his I couldn't stop telling him how proud I was.

Gotta go, he's asking what I'm doing again.

Is the asking what I am doing, typing etc normal? Is it just him showing interest?

No it is not normal. It is controlling behaviour. He knows he has you trained enough to go ahem and you will stop whatever you're doing to favour his demands. No he isn't in the slightest concerned about you in the dark. He wants you nested at home with the rest of his property. Hence he locks the door and hangs keys up. Like he's the king of the castle, eh? And yes, he deliberately made the kids stress out and "go mental" so that you won't repeat your excursion beyond his range.

His behaviour makes me feel ill. Truly nauseous. He is abusive.

My god, is it really that bad? To me a lot of what I have put is just a normal part of my life. The locking the door when he gets in really makes me feel awful. I feel trapped and like I can't go out in the night without a good reason i.e last night was to help my friend wedding plan. I have another night to help dress shop coming up in 2 weeks. I know he will make me feel guilty, especially as it is so soon.

I have been thinking about him not looking after the kids adequately while I'm out and I remembered something. While doing my degree I had a part-time job to help fund myself through uni (in part to pay childcare as my DD was only 1). I used to work evenings and weekends at a pub. This meant that H had to put DD1 to bed, give her a bottle etc. I would get texts while at work telling me how difficult she was being, how she was crying and not taking the milk, won't settle, is distressed and so on. This led to me feeling so upset and worried while I was at work. I enjoyed the job but hated putting my DD through that ordeal each time. This led to me working in an office where my sister-in-law (his sister) was a director. This actually meant we had less money looking back on it, as I had to pay nursery fees for DD while I was at work, unlike hen I was at the pub...

He openly says he manipulates people, including his family. Yet when I say I feel like he is manipulating me he assures me he's not and starts backtracking on what he said. This is something he does often. He'll say one thing and when I pull him up on it he claims he never said it 'like that', he didn't say that etc.

I am training as a clinical psychologist (stupid right? I can't even have a healthy relationship it's starting to seem) and I suspect he is on the autistic spectrum, as do both are families. Could this account for his behaviour instead of him being abusive?

our families*

I don't know if the generality of autism (as a label) could be deployed as a factor in his controlling behaviour. I actually think what he does is pretty standard by way of abuse and control.

Then there is this: He openly says he manipulates people

The thing is, do you care to live like this and keep your DC in a situation where it is likely that he cannot be trusted with them?

Sweetheart.What kind of life have you had to think that any of his behaviour toward you and the DC's is remotely acceptable?Threads like this make me so sad to think that women are still being treated like this.I mean,finding all the excuses under the sun why you shouldn't go out and then tantruming childlike when you do dare to defy him.How can you have any respect for this loser?

OP, have you had any counselling at all?
Abuse and abusive behaviour seems to be so normalised in your psyche that you need to discuss it with a third party and quickly.
It's not just you he's being abusive towards, it's your children too. This alone should give you the courage to make plans to leave.
You said that you grew up in an abusive household, your husband was violent towards you before you married him (yet you still married him ) and if you don't get out of this awful, controlling relationship, your kids will look for the same when they're older.
Be the one that breaks the cycle.

I think the backstepping and re-twisting/re-defining of his actions and words to suggest "oh honey, I wouldn't do that to you .. just anyone else" is exemplary of what's now called gaslighting.

It could be called thought or even mind control. It could be called despicable since it can only be effective when the recipient is perceived as stupid, malleable and silly.

I'd be tempted to find the psychopath section in one of the text books and see if he's got a page in there.

I don't know if the generality of autism (as a label) could be deployed as a factor in his controlling behaviour. I actually think what he does is pretty standard by way of abuse and control

Totally

Emotional abuse is almost worse than violence, but the important thing is that you are not happy in this relationship so start planning your way out; you and your dc will, I promise, be much happier.

Think of the financial side and start preparing. And do try to get on the freedom programme, you can tell him it is something else.