Me again. ..

[CalmAndConfused]

hi,

I've had several posts on here about mine and my husband's relationship. The last post was because he said we should separate, however we then decided to give it one last go...which part of me feels is just prolonging the inevitable.

Anyway I'm am going out with friends tonight (first time in over a year), and H made comments on the underwear I'm wearing. He always asks if there will be males there if I go places without him...even asking me one time when I was going to a funeral (aparantly I was taking this wrong and he was meaning it as a compliment about him thinking I looked nice ) .

Also he keeps going on about how I mustn't be to late in case the kids wake up...

Is all this normal as it makes me feel like crap and means I can't enjoy my time out as I am clock watching etc

Thank you all so much. This thread is a lifeline to me. I don't think I can describe how much it is helping.

The house is rented in both our names (privately), and I have looked at benefits and I could afford to stay here on my own, which is good.

Does it make me a horrible person that I struggle to be nice to him? I am nice to everyone else, but I just have no patience for him and will often snap :(

I am going to arrange getting and outreach support person, so hopefully that will help me. Then I can start planning my exit, as I can see now this is the only way. I will not have my girls growing up with abuse like I did, or have them have an abusive marriage modelled to them. Over my dead body.

I can't wait to be honest to be living on my own with my girls and getting a dog (something I have wanted for years, but which H has only just agreed to get in April...). I can see the cosy evenings with a glass of wine, my dog on my lap. My friend has a friend who breeds Labrador. She has just had a litter which will be ready to go to homes just after xmas. Would I be mad to look at one and possibly put my name down knowing that when H leaves it means I can get my long awaited dog? It would give me strength and motivation tbh as I'd much rather have the dog at home than him... (Friend has offered me one which is why I am considering it)

I am so mentally tiered atm. During the day all my time is focused on looking after my girls (rightly so), but then the evenings it seems that I then spend my time focusing on my H's needs, not my own.

TBH we are living pretty separate lives already. Our evenings are mainly spent in different rooms, doing our own things (yet still I can't go out in the evenings without a good reason).

I just realised this morning while waiting to phone WA by the way, not only does H lock the door when he gets in and hang up the keys, when he leaves in the morning he locks the door behind him and hangs up my keys. I have told him countless times not to, we are all up when he leaves, so there is no need. Yet he still consistently does it

Please make sure you delete your browsing history - this is why he wants your laptop, so he can check up on you.

Thank you so much Bee, I have been slowly reading through yours after tipsy posted the link, and some of the things you have put are shockingly similar.

I will definitely join you on your thread if you don't mind. All hand holding is very much welcome! It is funny you should mention shock, as thinking about it I feel the same way as when I had just had a serious car accident.

Just got an outreach appointment for the first week of December. Again I am shaking very badly after the phonecall, but I also feel a strange sense of relief that I am doing something - does that make sense?

I will delete it, don't worry. As long as I continue to play nice he will not think about me leaving him. I've done this dance so many times.

One thing I'm worried about. now I've contacted WA and have an outreach appointment. ..will social services be informed?

Perfect sense C&C, it is real shock. You have managed, coped with, ignored, normalised, all the things we do to survive. Now you're looking straight at the abuse and it isn't a nice thing to see.
My thread's been a lifeline too,something I have clutched onto when I felt like I was drowning in a stormy sea.
My STBXH asks why he is the only person I ever get angry with? Think about it STBXH. What is that telling you?

I love the way you are looking forward to your dog scene.

What a lovely positive image to hang on to if things get rough.

Good luck to you. You deserve it.

Calm - can I just take you back to this

he said we should separate, however we then decided to give it one last go

Did HE decide to give it one last go? Or did you?

I think you could easily say 'actually yes, you are right, we should separate. Please move out tomorrow. Cheers'.

No, Social Services won't be informed unless WA have concerns and they would tell you before they contact Social Services.

Oh and very well done for making an appointment with WA. Nothing to worry about that at all. Just take one step at a time and be friendly to him.

Not much longer.

Thank you all. Yes I am now taking baby steps, but I can see a light at the end of a very long tunnel. I went a looked at the puppies today, which if H knew he would go spare. It's ridiculous, the whole drive there and now afterwards I feel very shaky and sick from the nerves and anxiety...

2 and a half weeks till my appointment.

H has just come home, he knew I was going out today to see family (I was dressed in the morning before he left for work, which obviously warrants him asking if I am going out and where...). So I've just had him check what we did today (i.e ask me so what did you get up to... why the fuck does it matter...).

Gotta go.

So I may have told the friend that I'd have one of the puppies. I can't live my life according to him anymore. It gives me a time frame and will signal a start to the life I want to live with my kids.

I find myself scrutinising what he says and does this evening, and it is very eye opening. We have had putting my down disguised as either joking around or as concern. Also complaints about my family. him giving me basically orders: I was texting my sister while watching TV with him. so I first got the questions about who I was texting and why. He then paused the TV and insisted I finish texting my sister and he'll go do something else while I do... I told him several times no before finally snapping at him to put the fucking programme on. I then got the petulant mood and basically the routine of 'why are you so nasty to me' - puppy about to be shot look he does.

I feel better after taking a small bit of control today and I can see a glimmer of what mine and my DD'S lives WILL be like.

Right now I am just thinking that I will not let him beat me. I didn't let my dad so there is no way in hell I'll let H. I want to be able to say I am one of the ones who got away.

It's stupid...I watched the walking dead tonight. And watching Karen's story it was so perfectly timed with what I am facing now. I noticed how strong she has become since her abusive H died. And I realised that could be me. I can say enough is enough and take control, be strong and find the person I really am.

God, Calm. You have come a long way. Really. Wow. All power to you.

You're absolutely right. He's being a total tosser about your texting and grilling you about it. Tell him to do one. You are your own woman. Nobody tells you what is what or interrogates you.

You will have the life you want without being hounded about who is on the 'phone. Imagine that.

Thank you winky :) I'm just praying (or whatever you do when your not religious!) that I keep my strength this time. I have come further than I ever have before though, so here's hoping. This thread is my life ring, it really is. o reread it whever I feel I am starting to question myself. And reading bee's thread is very eye opening too. I think he would have reeled me back in by now if not for the amazing support you have all given me. you are all life savers, really. I look forward to being able to tell you all I'm free and he's gone.

Wow a life where I'm not checked up on, where I can text or call in peace, where I can relax and my DD'S can relax, where I don't get 'helpful suggestions' or told how I should do stuff... yes please!

I walked past his home office tonight, which is one of our 3 bedrooms and i found myself thinking how nice it'll be to turn into DD2's bedroom as at the moment they are having to share.

I have just found my personal mantra - 'sometimes before we fly we have to fall'. This has struck a massive chord with me. It feels so apt. I have fallen, and will continue to as I escape my H... but oh how it'll be worth it when I feel the freedom

Whoa, Calm, you are taking great strides, way to go girl!

You do what you need to when you are able.

Keep us all updated.

All strength to you.

Thank you. The more steps I take the more positive and energised I feel. I think being told by WA in no uncertain terms that yes this is abusive has given me the conviction to do what must be done.

My mind is in overdrive atm. I can't settle to sleep. I have realised that everything if I was to stay would forever be on his terms and it would sap the joy out of it all.

Seeing my mum tomorrow and part of me is tempted to tell her I'm leaving GTBExH (going to be ex husband). She knows how hard it is to leave. ..It took her around 20 years.

Decided it's probably best not to mention anything to my mum today. She is coming round to babysit while me and GTBExH go to some work do of his. Could make it very akward.

Resolve is still holding strong today. Talking to WA has been so helpful, so thank you everyone for helping me take that step. I feel so energised today after the progress I made yesterday.

Ugh GTBExH has the day off today. He heard me tapping away on my laptop and so he comes over to "give me a hug" - yet watching him I could see he was glancing sideways at my laptop to try and see what I was up to...

Keep it to yourself until you're ready to go Calm. These things have a habit of leaking out. Please make sure you're deleting your browsing history too.

Wish I'd seen you posting at 01:49:44. I couldn't sleep then either and was mooching about the internet.
So, let's drop the andConfused part shall we and just refer to you as Calm? Those insights are still coming thick and fast. To me too. Self-awareness is a great gift, worth fighting for. Someone posted on my thread, in the early days " I know my truth". Another abused woman who'd got away. Abusers try to replace our truth with their lies.
I so know where you are with realising you will be able to relax, call or text who you want, choose your underwear without worrying what he'll think. And so many other things, other freedoms you may not now realise have been stolen from you.
The dog....When we first married STBXH went on and on about wanting a dog. We had several small children, were very poor and I didn't feel the time was right. So he'd say how unfair I was, you know the usual accusations. Then as the children grew and our lives changed I agreed a dog would be good. We lived very outdoor lives ( I still do) and a dog would have a good life with us. After several years STBXH agreed to the dog. He chose the breed, gave it to me as a present, but also chose the name. I do all the looking after, not a complaint, I love my dog. But if we go out with the dog, STBXH holds the lead and it's his dog. Dog is a very striking animal and people have even stopped their cars to admire him. STBXH laps up all the attention and I'm in the background somewhere.
When we were, as I thought, trying to fix our marriage, STBXH started making "we'll have to get rid of the dog" comments. Re home him, our new life would apparently have no place for my dearly, dearly loved animal.
This long ramble is me noticing that even the family pet is an arena for these FWs to exercise power, control and head games.
I hope you love the dog you choose and name.

Perhaps we're married to the same man? Sounds like it. A bigamist on top of everything else!

They do sounds very similar don't they bee. Reading your thread I am seeing so many parallels, and it is good to know someone knows exactly what I am going through. If We can be strong and leave these men, imagine how strong we really are when we are free of them.

The animals does definetly seem to be an common area of control for them. We go to choose our puppy from the litter in a couple of weeks, just after my outreach appointment. My DD had chosen a gorgeous name already for her, and we are both so excited. I realised last night that if I stayed with GTBExH and we ended up getting a dog - it would all be on his terms, and it would never truly be my dog - much like what you found. Interestingly GTBExH was like this when I got my first car. He had it put in his name, and then whenever it needed repairs he would moan and complain how we got stitched over, how he only agreed to get it because I wanted it so much, how I should have seen the guy was a con-ma, and so on. My current car was only put in my name after I proved to him it was cheaper to insure it like that...

I feel like someone is playing a movie of my life on fast forward to me, with all these revelations coming thick and fast and almost overloading my brain. It is actually quite scary to be seeing everything in such a different light, like watching a magic show but knowing how every trick is done. I'm hoping that like that once you have seen the truth you can't unsee it.

I feel so stupid for staying with him and comforting him all the times after he was violent. It must have made him so secure that he could treat me however he wanted and get away with it. I always thought it was a sign things were getting better when the violence stopped, but really it just meant he didn't need it any more didn't it.

I remembered one incident last night as I was tossing and turning. GTBExH and I used to live with his parents when I was about 17. Well around then the violence started, and I remember one time I was sobbing in our bedroom after a physical fight. His dad woke up and asked what was wrong and I off course said nothing (GTBExH answered him I think). Well the next day I was made to buy his dad a sorry gift and apologize to him for waking him up. Only now am I realising how fucked up that was

omfg. ..GTBEXH is just pacing around the house and standing in the door way because I'm not paying him attention. ..wtf just fuck off

Oh Calm I know, I know. It's horrible isn't it? You can't unsee it, you can choose to act on it. That itself isn't as easy as some would believe.

I feel so stupid for staying with him and comforting him all the times he was violent. It must have made him so secure that he could treat me however he wanted and get away with it. I always thought it was a sign things were getting better when the violence stopped, but really it just meant he didn't need it any more, did he?

Again, I could have written that post, down to comforting your distraught abuser. You end up feeling complicit in your own abuse and there are plenty of apologists who'd have you believe you are. Presumably they've never been lost in the FOG of abuse, trying to make sense of it all. Well we ignore them and their ignorance and chase them off with sticks if they appear.

This very morning I've been told that STBXH's counsellor thinks I'm unreasonable to have brought up STBXH's violence towards me. That's in the past apparently and should never be mentioned even under the most sleep deprived, emotionally abusive circumstances.

STBXH could be lying about what his counsellor said, but sadly, I doubt it.