Mother in keeps replacing everything I buy with something she buys - any ideas?

[flux500]

mil is very nice to my face.
She does kind things.
She was on the face of it happy when me and bf moved in together but since then some strange things have happened and its developing into a pattern:
She has replaced all the cutlery with new stuff she bought. It was nice, I let it go and donated the the other stuff that I had bought to charity.
She keeps replacing the laundry powder with one she buys and the same with the fabric softener.
Last weekend she bought new bedding and without asking and put it on our bed!
Am I being ungrateful or am I right to be irked by this?

Tell her to stop

She's pissing all over your floor and attempting to mark territory

That's really odd! Eww. How is she gaining access to your home?

If your MIL is changing your sheets to ones she bought.... Massive red flag.

We need more details!

Wow, she has no boundaries.

State that it's not on. Don't reason or argue the point or be moved by tears (although she and possibly your boyf will try).

This interference is not something that you, personally, wish to tolerate. Say that.

How is she able to access your bedroom without you knowing?

I guess you have not come across someone as dysfunctional as his mother before now so it is hard to know how to react.

What has your man said about she buying replacement cutlery, washing powder, fabric softener and new bedding for you both?. These are not the actions of a kind person at all, these are the actions instead of someone who is controlling and does not think that her son or you for that matter are actually adults or at all capable of being such.

If she has a key to your home you need to get that key back.

You are indeed right to be annoyed by her behaviour. If you had gone into her home and done all that she would have been annoyed as well.

What are relations like between your man and his mother here?. He is key to all this. Can your man however stand up to his mother and stop her from doing this in future?. Or is he more afraid of her and still wants her approval on all things?. If he cannot stand up to her now he will likely never be able to do so. If he is really that spineless due to her conditioning of him you will not be able to rely on him to back you up re his mother going forward. Your problem therefore may not be just his mother but he also. I sincerely hope he is not actually a brainwashed by mother and spineless man who cannot at all stand up for himself in the face of his mother.

His mother is what is known as a wolf in sheeps clothing. These people can indeed appear to be very plausible to those in the outside world but her mask is slipping here and you need to raise your boundaries a lot higher than they currently are with regards to her also.

Please Flux do nothing; if it continues and you keep us all up to date it will have very high entertainment value for everyone on mumsnet . Think of it as an act of public charity.

Cutlery ok, sheets a bit of a boundary blur but ok, washing powder? That's just weeeeird!!

Am I right in thinking you have moved into your BF's place, not got somewhere together? If so, maybe she is used to having access/freedom to "take care" of her son. Could be she hasn't let go of mothering him. Maybe not a reflection on you/your choices (hopefully).

That being said, it's your home (and things), so something needs to be done/said.

She comes to visit when I'm at work and when I get back there's all these changes!

She used to tidy up our bedroom too but I managed to get bf to tell her to stop that.
He thinks she's doing nice stuff and I'm being childish.
The bedding is not something I would choose and she's there today too so I don't feel I can change it back.
My mum says she's a wolf in Sheep's clothing too and I've always laughed it off but it's not funny is it!

What??
Why is she in your home?
She doesn't need to be there!
Your mum is right! She is wolf
Ask for the keys back
Change the bedding
Pile her 'gifts' together and give them back to her. Saying thanks but these are not needed!

Ok, it's time to acquire a large collection of sex toys and start leaving them out.

That should reset some boundaries quite effectively!

Make sure you tell us what happens next.

DO change it back. Put the stuff she bought you in a bag with a bote saying it's not tour taste and bot wanted, please take it back

Note...

My mum does it.

It's basically down to her personal taste and what she thinks is "right". I like coloured sheets, she thinks white are "cleaner". When I moved into my house she replaced all my coloured sheets (and towels) with white ones, and took mine home to use as scrap fabric.

She also has bought me cutlery. Two sets. She believes in "best" and everyday stuff. She's cross I put one set in the loft as I just don't need it.

I don't like clutter. She buys me lamps, knick knacks, etc. if offended if I don't want them, then complains I'm a hoarder and the house is cluttered.

She honestly, genuinely thinks she's helping. She'll rearrange everything when she visits, because she needs to clean, or it looks better over there. I tell her not to, but she worries about not helping out. It takes me a week to get my house under control after a weekend visit.

So I don't really have an answer. Some people do have a strong sense of what is "best" and any other way of doing it is wrong.

Does she have a key to your house? I'd take that off her to start...

OMG you poor thing. I had an horrendous MIL, and I would have to say that whether or not you manage to stop this depends entirely on your husband. What she is doing is telling you that she is still No. 1 in your husband's life. Only he can tell her that from now on, you are the most important person to him. If he is not prepared to take his mother on and tell her how it is, then you may as well leave him now!

FWIW, my husband did stick up for me, and she and I ended up with a not half bad relationship!

Honestly HE has to tell her to back off - oh and take the keys off her!

She wants her little boy to be looked after her way.

Time to get the key back. And if your boyfriend is resistant to that, let that be a warning that life will be like this from now on. When you get together with someone, family is always one of the make or break things, as you have to live with them forevermore too. I'd see how he deals with this now before you get in any deeper. It really can make or break relationships. It can be tackled if you can set boundaries you are happy with. Better to seem like a bit of a bitch once now than let in the slow seeping resentment.

And ask her advice about how to get, ahem, "stains" out of your finest rubber lacy underwear. Make a point that the old washing powder was better at that than the new one she bought?

Sorry to be flippant, but I am several years down the line with a similar MIL and yes, you need boundaries, now, if not sooner.

You are correct, its not funny at all.

His mother's behaviour is absolutely unacceptable but your other very real problem here is your man's apparent insistence that she is doing nice stuff and that you're being childish. You have now a huge problem on your hands because he is now showing himself to be actually spineless. He could well lose you over this if he does not act decisively and he needs to be told firmly that his mother's actions are not acceptable.

These are not the actions of a loving mother, more like an interfering one who wants to control everything in your home. It would not surprise me if she has been through all the drawers in your bedroom either or has looked through the cupboards in your home too, these people have no boundaries whatsoever.

Change the bedding back to what you like; it is YOUR home and his mother cannot play house or whatever in your home now. Her key needs to be returned and she must not enter your home as of now under any circumstances. She simply cannot be trusted not to interfere with your ways of living.

It may be that you and he end up separating because your resentment of him will grow the more this keeps happening and he becomes even more unwilling to stop her.

BTW you do not mention his dad, is he still around?.

Do you mean she is visiting your boyfriend when you are at work or do you mean she has a key?

Boyfriend needs to put a stop to this pronto or you will have YEARS of this. If he refuses to upset his mummy and would rather upset you then you know where you stand and at least you aren't married, and I assume no DC?

Why can't you change it back? I would strip it off and give it back to her saying if she likes it so much put t on her own bed.

People like this ( my narcissistic mother has done exactly the same thing by the way) cannot be dealt with any way but directly. If she gets the huff so what?

Is he letting her in?

Ha ha busybusy you are definitely on my wavelength, cross post!

Why is she in your house? How is she getting in?

Posted too soon.
Change the bedding back. Hand her back hers.
Give her back her washing powder. Her conditioner. Every single time she buys something to replace what you have, hand it back to her.
Tell her, oh you seem to have left this, here you are.
If she says oh but I bought it for you. Act confused and say why, your stuff doesn't need changing.
Get him on board and back you, if he is unwilling, hand him back, and let them both know he is broken. THe strings need cutting.