Mother in keeps replacing everything I buy with something she buys - any ideas?

[flux500]

mil is very nice to my face.
She does kind things.
She was on the face of it happy when me and bf moved in together but since then some strange things have happened and its developing into a pattern:
She has replaced all the cutlery with new stuff she bought. It was nice, I let it go and donated the the other stuff that I had bought to charity.
She keeps replacing the laundry powder with one she buys and the same with the fabric softener.
Last weekend she bought new bedding and without asking and put it on our bed!
Am I being ungrateful or am I right to be irked by this?

sorry, but the real problem here is your BF - why on earth does he think it's fine to allow his mother to be all over your home? You've made a stand with her, but he is the problem. I couldn't live with someone who allowed another person to be so disrespectful to me, and was dismissive of my totally justified concerns. He needs to remember who his family is (is he your DS's father?).

She really said that about her son.

Wow do you have a massive problem if he doesn't step up.

Say 'it wasn't just the feel of it to be honest. It was you changing our bed. And our washing powder. And the fabric softener. And the cutlery. Please can you stop doing this, it really is not on.'

Eeek, your BF is pathetic :(

I wouldn't be afraid of a bit of a showdown, to be honest. He's not a little boy and you're certainly not a little girl and have no wish to be treated like one. They both need to understand this.

I lived with my ex 100 miles from his parents, but he'd still revert to teenage mode, in their company. And insist on staying there for a couple of weeks at a time, regardless of my feelings or wishes to see my own family, who were also 100 miles from home, in a different direction. His younger brother (exactly my age, ffs) was completely infantilised and had MIL run around doing everything to keep him happy and have huge strops when things weren't perfectly right. She'd travel a couple of hundred miles to help him decorate his house etc. Even with the two guys in their 30s, they were constantly bringing up rivalry that really should have stayed in childhood.

How I stayed with him for a decade, I have no idea, because I really should have taken notice of the warning signs and run like the clappers before we ever married. It wasn't so much a MIL problem as one of two grown men wanting to keep her defined as mummy to them. It was just so unhealthy.

Had this with MIL when we got our first place. She genuinely was just trying to be nice so I was nice and firm back. She's great and we get on really well now.

Too late now but I would've replied to yesterday's text "to be honest I'm not happy that you went into my bedroom and changed the bedclothes. It felt a bit intrusive. I'm sure you'd feel the same if I did it in your house! Have the bedding in the wash - if you'd like to take it with you on Sunday please do, you might get more use out of it than me. Looking forward to seeing you!".

She does need to realise it's your home now too and she can't invade your life like that. I think if you nip it in the bud now, kindly and firmly, you give yourself a better chance of a good relationship in the long term. My MIL is coming for lunch tomorrow and I'm looking forward to seeing her!

Completely agree you have a big problem with your DP though. Don't know how you fix that one...

She doesn't have to work so comes over lots. Yes he is ds'a father and so far has been fully behind me in stuff to do with him but then I've previously gone along with everything.

I do still feel the need to make it clear about he boundary issue. Will see if I can make it back around to the subject later.

Is she in the house more than you? Does he not work?

No he works too but his job entails a lot of working from home so he's around the house quite a bit but not usually for the whole day, and sometimes he's called away with work etc.

Just putting our bedding back on the bed. Feels good :)

She of course said she couldn't have her boy having a bad nights sleep.

She didn't actually use those words, surely? About an adult male?

Anyway, his "it's scratchy" excuse has just left the door open (both literally and metaphorically) to her finding something softer. And putting it on your bed when you're not there.

It's just too odd. Why doesn't she have anything better to do?

This thread made me chuckle. I had a lovely mil, now long departed and I think she was just so pleased to be accepted byme that when she. Came to babysit she would do all sorts of weird and wonderful things. I would always wash upand leave everything drying in the plate rack. She would proceed to dry it but leave it all around the kitchen aaaargh!

She would wash the children's clothes, by hand and stick them on the radiator, so we would come home to lots of damp, soggy washing and puddles under the radiators.

The worst one was we came home a bit earlier than usual and it was a summer night and she was in the front garden digging it with a spade!!

Kids were blissfully asleep.

Thankfully, husband had strong words and it stopped.

She was a lovely woman and thankfully died before she saw the cheating arse her son turned into.

She thought the world of me.

Btw, I was DIL number two. Number one was a bit above herself and didn't want anything to do with her.

She used to say, thank you for letting me look after the children or allowing me to see them as she had so little contact with grandchild number one.

Sad isn't it?

Maybe op see it as a compliment. She likes you really.

Dowler she sounds lovely and believe me my own mum does so e strange things as she has an obsession with drying clothes outside and be it winter or summer, rain or shine I will find that my mum will put my washing outside at any opportunity haha.

And yes she did say that about 'her boy'. She absolutely dotes on him and if I say anything to her about him like have a moan about something she goes straight back and tells him. I don't tell her anything anymore as you can imagine!

You need to face this head on OP, you haven't really done anything about the real problem.

Say 'it wasn't just the feel of it to be honest. It was you changing our bed. And our washing powder. And the fabric softener. And the cutlery. Please can you stop doing this, it really is not on.'

This and stay firm.

I would try to keep things as low key as possible. If you blow it up into a huge drama you will end up being as weird as MiL. But have a word with DH later and say something like thanks for saying we didn't want the bedding, dont think I dont appreciate your Mum's help and gifts but sometimes she can go a bit too far and it feels to me a little interfering. Then I would say "you know her best of course, so could I get your opinion on how to stop her doing these things which are a bit too much without hurting her feelings?" People love to give their opinions this may get him on side, and he may even have a good suggestion.
Another thing you could do is ask your MiL for her opinions and advice esp about your own DS. Or maybe ask for some help with him or to buy him or your DH something. She will probably like it that you value her advice and help and this may help your relationship over all, and let her accept the boundaries you do insist on.

You certainly must not see anything that his mother does in your home as a compliment. This is her exerting power and control in your own home!.

His mother does not like you at all and see you as a pest.

His mother is only part of the problem because she has infantilised her son to his own detriment, the effects of which you are fully seeing now. Your other very real problem here is your man because he is both unwilling and unable to stand up for himself and his own family unit i.e. you and your child now.

I would think that if push came to shove he would much rather upset you than his mother; he is truly afraid of his mother and remains fully obligated to her to boot.

"I would try to keep things as low key as possible. If you blow it up into a huge drama you will end up being as weird as MiL. But have a word with DH later and say something like thanks for saying we didn't want the bedding, dont think I dont appreciate your Mum's help and gifts but sometimes she can go a bit too far and it feels to me a little interfering. Then I would say "you know her best of course, so could I get your opinion on how to stop her doing these things which are a bit too much without hurting her feelings?" People love to give their opinions this may get him on side, and he may even have a good suggestion.
Another thing you could do is ask your MiL for her opinions and advice esp about your own DS. Or maybe ask for some help with him or to buy him or your DH something. She will probably like it that you value her advice and help and this may help your relationship over all, and let her accept the boundaries you do insist on".

This could work better but only in families who are at heart emotionally healthy to start with.

What is being described here is deeply dysfunctional. It will not work here because OP is really at heart dealing with her man's dysfunctional mother as well as her man. OPs opinions do not at all count here in his mother's eyes. She is only thinking of her own self here and wants to keep her now adult son dependent on her emotionally. She has not let him grow up at all and thus OPs man is emotionally stunted. He cannot and perhaps never will be able to assert his own self in her presence. He does not know how to and thinks his mother's behaviour is normal, after all he has grown up with such conditioning.

Such people like his mother see boundaries also as things to be disregarded.

Why are you worried about being on here when your boyfriend is at home?

TBF it doesn't really matter if he sees no problem in what his mother is doing. The fact is it bothers you and if he loved and respected you he wouldn't want you to be bothered and usurped in your own home and would be having words with his mother.

what itsfab says.

Flux I posted on your other thread about your partner and the problems the two of you have with money - and I said the situation echoed my own relationship with XH and agreed with those pp who had said there were red flags for abuse. This new situation you describe with his mother I could also have written word for word... Oh hang on a minute in fact I did post about just this exact issue! I can't link to my old thread here because I name change frequently to hide from XH but I will try to find it and pm you.
Have a read about triangulation and consider whether this might be something your partner is doing with you and his mother. Also, if she has poor boundaries (she does) and he has poor boundaries (the money situation) that might not be a coincidence?
I looked at your other posting history and saw another massive red flag in your thread about your partner wanting to join the Police "he hates anyone to disrespect him". This is my XH to a tee. I'm sorry OP, I am really worried about this relationship. I hope I'm projecting and needlessly banging the LTB gong and all that, but please be careful.