Mother in keeps replacing everything I buy with something she buys - any ideas?

[flux500]

mil is very nice to my face.
She does kind things.
She was on the face of it happy when me and bf moved in together but since then some strange things have happened and its developing into a pattern:
She has replaced all the cutlery with new stuff she bought. It was nice, I let it go and donated the the other stuff that I had bought to charity.
She keeps replacing the laundry powder with one she buys and the same with the fabric softener.
Last weekend she bought new bedding and without asking and put it on our bed!
Am I being ungrateful or am I right to be irked by this?

- bedding and all...

Maybe she is trying to be all cool and welcoming and ok that her little boy has a girlfriend now. Obvs she is getting it totally wrong.

Give her back the bedding, text her that it was a kind thought but you and BF have to have special fabric as you get so hot and sweaty in bed together.

Ok, I think she is loopy, but I'm trying to give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt. So roles reversed, my mum comes over with the present of bedding. My interest in bed linen is kinda 'meh'. She says, "I'll put it on the bed as a surprise for flux'. I say..... No I would say, "Don't bother, I'll do it" at that point.

i would also just go down the route on her goading text of plain honesty without being harsh. Something like : it was really thoughtful but honestly I am quite private and don't like other people in my bedroom, it made me feel uneasy. I think bedding is a very personal choice too, and we already have a lot. I feel really awkward writing this but I know you'd prefer me to be honest rather than wasting a thoughtful gift, so I'll wash it and give it back to you.

Or even better, phone her and say this script because it's hard to articulate in a text. As long as you stay calm and stick to your guns and repeat the same points, very little can go wrong. this is how you feel, it needs to be said.

Flux- I think I have your MIL evil twin.

That aside - it's your bedding on the bed you share. One has to wonder why his Mum wants for either of you to be reminded or think of her whilst you're there 'together'..... That alone makes it weird for me, mine ( MIL) has tried lots of 'alterations' over the years but Bedding and then physically changing it in your absence ; a huge no no.

Just text back saying, "No, we didn't actually and I really don't want you wasting your money buying us stuff we may not like as it's such a waste. I will give back to you so you can use them."

You have to stand up to her and have watertight boundaries.

I'd reply 'It is beyond weird. Please don't mess about with my stuff again. Thanks. See you at the weekend'.

Whether you like the bedding or not is irrelevant, it's what she did that's the issue.

So I would reply, "I have already taken it off the bed as we prefer to choose our own. It's washed and ready for you to take back."

I find this very difficult.

I will take cleaning products etc from anyone who offers as they are so expensive.

Bedding I would see as a nice present, and would have the issue with DP for okaying the putting it on the bed. I do think her offering and washing it first is peculiar. But not necessarily sinister.

Cutlery - again a nice present, but getting rid of yours so crosses a line.

I really think the issue in this is your DP. Mil buys us lots of stuff as does my mum and it doesn't feel like a boundary has been crossed, probably because of how we both deal with it.

OP take the bedding off, then chuck it at the little mummy's boy and tell him he'll need it when he goes back to live with mummy.

It would burn my piss up if someone was doing that in my house, I buy my stuff because I like it and want it, I dont need others replacing my stuff and binning it.

She is over Sunday. I am going to have the duvet cover freshly washed and ironed and give it back to her saying that it's not my taste and seeing as she likes it she should make use of it. I am even going to offer to reimburse her for it infront t of bf so he might realise how not ok this is and how I'm not out of pocket because of them both.

FFS DO NOT OFFER TO REIMBURSE HER, that way you are sending the message that it was a nice gesture but not to your taste.

The message you need to send (and I really don't know why you don't just say it straight) is stop interfering in my home.

The thing is someone can do something kind but still overly controlling. This is why all the parenting books are telling us not to do too much for our DC. Let them make their own choices and don't give too much help. Trying to make someone do things your way, even if your way really is better is controlling. Redoing things properly. Giving unasked for advice, even good advice. All these are controlling even if done with kind intentions, they are saying I know better than you and can do things better. My 10 year old wants her own autonomy and gets upset when I tidy her room (o.k I do sneak in and change her sheets!) but not to confuse my point, people sometimes are over helpful from good intentions or maybe just because they are indeed convinced they know best. In fact it doesn't matter why, as it is natural not to like it. Its easy to be confused by the idea of whether it is just being thoughtful to buy an extra packet of washing powder, but its like that unwanted good advice.

She has asked you if you like the bedding, this is your golden opportunity to say that it is not to your taste & if she wants to treat you in future gift vouchers for your favourite store would be gratefully received.

I mean if the woman wants to spend her money the least you can do is to make it count.

I personally wouldn't even bother replying to mil.

Her actions may have been well meaning and she got it totally wrong. She could have asked your bf if he liked the bedding and does he want her to change the bedding to surprise you and he could have said yes and encouraged her.

She could just be a bitch.

It doesn't matter why she did it really because your bf is the one who is mostly in the wrong and it's his actions you need to concentrate on. If he was to respect your feelings and put boundaries in place then she wouldn't be able to do this stuff. He would have told her and if she was being kind she would realise that you don't like people going into your room and changing your stuff, and if she was just being a bitch she would know that together you would not allow it.

She can only act this way because her son allows it.

You can stand up to her but if she knows she has her son's backing she will just continue to push the boat until it interferes with your relationship. You will end up the bad guy. You can't 'win' if he isn't on your side.

My mil was very interfering and it caused huge problems between me and my husband. I could have stood up to her all I wanted but she would continue to do her shit while her son enabled it. It wasn't until he said enough was enough that it stopped.

Your bf has shut you down, told you it is his problem, and accused you of being irate. This does not bode well. If he doesn't have your back then this relationship will not run smoothly. I would worry more and concentrate more on your relationship than I would mil. When I started focusing on what my husband wasn't doing rather than what my mil was doing things got better. It was easier in a way to focus on her rather than the fact that my husband was letting me down and allowing me to be treated poorly because he didn't dare rock the boat with his mother.

Thankfully it is all sorted now, but not without a lot of tears and resentment on the way and eventually completely ruining his relationship with his mum.

Hmm, didn't notice that you were offering to reimburse her for bedding that you plan to give back to her! how does that work in your head? She's getting the bedding back, it will be hers, she paid for it, that's ok. You don't need to pay her to take it back!

I don't know why I felt like the reimbursement was a half way to saying you have spent your money and there was no need and by giving it back she might realise how her interfering has caused me to be out of pocket.

Reading it back maybe it was a bit of a crap idea

I have taken it off anyway and it's in the wash. Bf asked me why I changed it and I said because I wanted to. He hasn't mentioned it again.

My mum said to shut the door and really she has no reason to open it so she should never know what bedding we have on. She does look in everything though so I think she will just discuss with bf behind my back.

Sorry I don't get back to you all earlier I didn't have chance.

Btw way please don't think I'm ignoring the advise to stop this - I'm not ignoring it at all. She has been here today but that was before I took the bedding off.

Just had a thought - it wasn't Thomas the Tank Engine bedding, was it? or superheroes or something?

I would agree with most pp on this, U2thedge seems to have summed it up well.

My opion would be thank you for the duvet set, but I would want to make my own bed (and am very capable of doing so). I would especially say this to Dp.

People can be misguided, but your partner needs to help in this situation.

I think you need to make your bf understand, before his mother. He clearly thinks you're in the wrong. I'd reiterate to him that bed and bedroom are personal, intimate areas. If he's not on your side, mil won't stop or even if she does there will be 'them' and 'you'.

Flux - does your boyfriend not work during the day? How often is she visiting? Is she in your house more than you are?

The problem here, as I see it, is that the BF chose to be with OP. He should choose to support her decisions. If he isn't doing that over a minor thing like the duvet cover, will he choose to support her over big things thatcould impact your physical or mental health, or finances, like reasonable visiting times if they have a child, Wedding arrangements? Where is the line?

Don't laugh, I dearly wish I had had access to MN a few years ago. I'd have put my foot down, hard, as I didn't see the early signs.

Regarding washing powder, tell her the smell was one of the things that made you feel sick when you were pregnant

I love my mil even though I divorced 21 years ago so Im lucky as I couldn't imagine her doing anything like this

My MIL is a bit like this but in his case it's furniture. There was a huge row when we were first married. They had a huge, dark, hulking bookcase which had sentimental value to them (the ILs) as it was one of their first purchases as a married couple. But they fancied a refit, and their solution to this was that we would have the bookcase in our house. Despite the fact we had no room to it, and it was not to my taste. I just stick to the "no room" line, and it led to some ridiculous conversations "You could put it there!" "The TV is there".

Things are down to a dull roar now but even the other weekend she decided we would have a bed in the guest room she no longer liked, and (as usual) she offered it to DH first who said yes (because he can do no different). And it had to be me that said, no, we didn't want it - it may be newer than our guest room bed, but I like our guest room bed and we have a king size. So, the bad guy again. The sad fact is that DH would get as great a pleasure out of pleasing his mum by taking her furniture off her hands, as I do from having a home to my taste...

I did it!!!!!!

I took it off and washed and dried it and left it in pile on the dining table.

She came in and stared at it and asked bf (not me) why it's on the table. He said 'we don't like the feel of it when we're sleeping. It's scratchy.'

She of course said she couldn't have her boy having a bad nights sleep.

I don't feel like I have made my point and was all ready to tell her myself how I didn't appreciate her dressing the bed. Don't feel like I can pipe up and say that now?

So And

Flux how often is MIL at your house? It seems to be every day!!!!!

What is she doing there?