Mother in keeps replacing everything I buy with something she buys - any ideas?

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mil is very nice to my face.
She does kind things.
She was on the face of it happy when me and bf moved in together but since then some strange things have happened and its developing into a pattern:
She has replaced all the cutlery with new stuff she bought. It was nice, I let it go and donated the the other stuff that I had bought to charity.
She keeps replacing the laundry powder with one she buys and the same with the fabric softener.
Last weekend she bought new bedding and without asking and put it on our bed!
Am I being ungrateful or am I right to be irked by this?

I wish MN existed 20 years ago to give me this advise. So many of us with MIL/Mothers who can't see us as individuals who have our own minds and can use them.
Anyway I must reply to MIL, once I can decipher the punctuation free, badly spelt huddle of words that passes as an e-mail. It's telling me how we are going to spend Christmas, obviously in direct contradiction to what I said we will be doing.

With things like washing powder, make sure that you give them back to her and point out that there's a reason you don't buy the brand - not only does it not work as well as your normal one but it makes you/ds itchy so you can't use it. After all, she wouldn't want to cause harm to anyone would she...

I assume she has at least left your old bedding and not taken it away? So you can give her the other bedding back and still have bedding to use?

Definitely need to get your dp to step up to the mark and realise quite how irksome his dm's behaviour is!

My mum did this when I had my daughters. She is ridiculously competitive. The only thing your MIL will understand is being blatantly told to stop. & if she doesn't then you just chuck out/give to charity whatever she buys, and tell her so. Thats what worked for me, anyway. There's no point trying to put up with it, it will get on your nerves so nip it in the bud now.

Aw she is letting you play house with her ickle boy!

of course you can stop it.

I've battled with mil for four years and I'm only just getting my brave on. I so wish I'd done it years go. The crossing of boundaries now leads to contempt later on. She wont see you as a grown woman, just her sons gf.

Change the bedding. Say you love the one you picked.
Don't use the washing powder. Throw it out and say it gave you a rash.

I never challenge MIL because I felt I didn't want to upset her as she was prone to tears/storming off so it left me in a a place where I was always upset and had to put up or shut up, she actually really P.A bullied me when I was pregnant and spoiled what should have been a happier time.

Now I totally disengage from 'upsetting her'. if she has been out of line I rev myself up and say something. She stormed out of her on Saturday over something very minor.

The funny thing is the more I stand up to her DP does do.

Listen to advice and start dealing with it, it might be light hearted now, but many many posters know where this is leading to.

Good luck!

I would sell her one

The Mil in The Little House met a fine end.

I know all about this. It's going to be notoriously difficult and you will need the tact, thick skin and immovability of...a tactful elephant :)

1. Your DH should have backed you up directly about the tiebacks. You don't criticise my wife, Mum.

1. You need to be pleasantly assertive. I appreciate you meant well but please don't go into my bedroom again without asking me first. That was sweet but please don't bother, I prefer my own fabric condition/cutlery etc. Please keep it for yourself because I'll only end up throwing it out/giving it to a charity shop... Explain to your DH that a woman's home is her own space, not her MILs. And while you appreciate her 'kindness', you shouldn't feel compelled to accept it. Perhaps explain that your sex drive is affected by feeling invaded by your MIL in matters relating to the marital bed....

1. Your MIL hasn't accepted/realised your DH has grown up (obviously). He's been quite happy to continue with this. Any change to the dynamic will have to come from him but will involve some movement from them both. You will probably be blamed for it but that's the price you'll have to pay. If you're challenging your DH about all this, try to do it in a way that doesn't criticise his mum.

1. Your MIL might be genuinely as thick as a plank relationally or she might be a spoilt matriarch who unconsciously uses being 'kind' to get her way...and will cling onto this role into the bitter end, weeping all the way (and breaking her son's heart, especially if he's been trained to see his mum as perfect and vulnerable). It's hard to see how all that can help coming between you unless you're very, very tactful. In retrospect, I wish I'd just emphasised that a woman likes her space and needs to know her husband has her back - and left it at that. (In your case I would also have taken over the clothes buying!)

As with most threads like these you have a boyfriend problem more than you do a mil problem.

Your mil only acts this way because her son allows her too. Until you get him on side nothing will really change. You can put your foot down yourself but unless he is on your side you are going to be fighting a losing battle which will only get worse as time goes by and if you have children.

Definitely stick up for yourself, with or without your boyfriend's backup, but I am afraid that if he continues to allow her to behave this way that you are going to be in for a tough ride.

I let my mil scare me, I never stood up for myself and my husband was pathetic. He did sort it out years later, after too much damage was done to my relationship with mil though. I wish I had stood up for myself more from day one, for my own self-respect.

Replacing bedding is massively intrusive- she sounds a nightmare. I'm very non confrontational but I'd have to say my piece if mil tried that one.

I think sometimes people are allowed to get away with all sorts of passive aggressive and controlling shit under the guise of "meaning well." I'd nip it in the bud. She should not be in your bedroom for any reason.

I had a word with bf. I said that this is the last 'gift' I want from your mother and if we want something for our house we will go out a d choose it together. I was calm and collected.

He says he really likes the new bedding and doesn't understand my issue. I repeated myself once again and he said I was getting irate and needed to calm down. I wasn't getting irate I was really calm! Now he won't talk about it.

She is the vunerable type and likes being the victim. When he first moved in a tile came off her roof and she called and asked him to go over and spend the night as she was scared. But she doesn't know him that well as anyone knows that once he's asleep and in bed he ain't going anywhere for anybody! Still she did try it on.

Definitely change the sheets back and say "Thanks but I like these ones"

Washing powder, if you don't mind then leave it, but I like to choose washing powder because I like to smell all of them and choose the one I like - sounds silly maybe but I enjoy it! So I'd say "Oh thanks but don't worry, you keep it, I prefer this brand."

Yes take over the clothes buying or insist that he does it himself. Honestly PIL still buy all sorts of horrible chav clothes for DH - they're not even chavs I don't know where they get them from, he has stuff from Primark which is better quality. Luckily we actually do live abroad now (MIL likes to blow hot and cold about this, happily she doesn't speak to me at all ) so can just say "Oh thanks!" and then donate them straight to charity or something.

They used to give us food, which I didn't mind, except they chain smoked so everything stank :( and a lot of it was freezer burned too.

How long have you been together/living together? I'm seeing really bad markers here for your future! Not red flags in an abuse way, but in a sort of "I'm not interested in discussing something that doesn't fit with my opinion" or perhaps "I'm not interested in acknowledging anything that requires work and/or effort and input from me" kind of way.

Your BF sounds like a manipulative dick, you say something he doesn't like so tells you what mood you are, irate, your in and to calm down.

My MIL tried something similar when I first moved in with DH.
She lived 3 houses away from DH when it was him and the ex-wife she insisted on doing all their washing at her house, then she would Iron it all and put it away while they were at work.
I made it clear that wouldn't be happening but she tried it on by calling around to helpfully remind me I left the washing out on the line. I told her I had meant too and ended the conversation. I then made sure to leave the washing out all day and then again during the night.
I basically pissed on my patch. She never tried it on again.

Oh god, does she talk in a baby voice too? Mil loves to play victim and do this. I find it excruciating.

I should add she clearly had been watching me put it out and by her calculations the washing was now dry hence the calling around to let me know.

I agree that him shutting the conversation down is a bad sign. He's happy to have his mother as a third party in your household so don't expect to win as you're outvoted.
Unless he can talk to you then you're on a hiding to nothing and this is your life.

Of course he likes it - mummy bought it for her baby boy.

Tell him he is missing the point. She has her own house to choose the bedding in, this is not her house it is yours and his. Unless of course, he likes the rather odd relationship of him and mummy choosing bedding together. Which is fucking weird.

Oh and refusing to enage and telling you to calm down is a red flag.

It most definitely is. It's completely disregarding your feelings and opinion on the matter.

If she needs a temporary pretend DIL if you falll out with her, can you send her round here? I need new cutlery. And a new lamp. Do you think she'd get a lamp?

Mummy is looking after her little boy, just like she has done since that day he was born. He enjoys being mummy's special little soldier.
Unfortunately, you and your opinions are simply irrelevant to their relationship. It's not that she is trying to undermine you or seize control. If your BF got himself a new puppy, she wouldn't worry what the puppy thinks about the new duvet. You are the new puppy.

"He says he really likes the new bedding and doesn't understand my issue. I repeated myself once again and he said I was getting irate and needed to calm down. I wasn't getting irate I was really calm! Now he won't talk about it."

yeah well whatever, so what if HE likes it. It's not just about him anymore, is it? Tell him you don't have an 'issue'. Why is he trying to make it YOUR problem. His interfering mother and his inability to stand up to her is the 'issue' if anything. You and he share a bed, yes? So if one of you doesn't like the new (unsolicited!) bedding, then that is all that matters.

Get rid of it, nip it in the bud now or write him off as a lost cause (becuase he is certainly sounding like one...) It is not a good sign that he refuses to discuss is. Effectively shutting you down so you just put up and shut up.

Would your b/f like it if your mother was as interfering and intrusive? Doubt it, eh?

Your BF's reaction suggests that you have a long and lonely road ahead of you, when it comes to asserting your own independence in your own home. It's a bit of a red flag, in fact. He doesn't like you criticising mummy dear, so he cuts you off. Not good.

Having read your BF's reaction, I'm concerned.

It's not about the things or the invasion of privacy as he's not bothered about that, however why isn't he bothered that you're upset?

My DH and I don't agree on many things but what's important to us is that the other is happy, if not, even if something isn't important it soon becomes a top priority for the sake of the other.

Oh dear. That's not good. Well, silence can work in your favour.

Silently remove and bin the bedding. If he mentions it say "you were right, it made me feel irate so I got rid of it."

You could throw in mention of not wanting to have sex under her sheets too if it seemed appropriate.