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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mother in keeps replacing everything I buy with something she buys - any ideas?

194 replies

flux500 · 06/11/2014 17:15

mil is very nice to my face.
She does kind things.
She was on the face of it happy when me and bf moved in together but since then some strange things have happened and its developing into a pattern:
She has replaced all the cutlery with new stuff she bought. It was nice, I let it go and donated the the other stuff that I had bought to charity.
She keeps replacing the laundry powder with one she buys and the same with the fabric softener.
Last weekend she bought new bedding and without asking and put it on our bed!
Am I being ungrateful or am I right to be irked by this?

OP posts:
diddl · 07/11/2014 11:40

Yes it is more of a partner problem.

As pp said, buying the sheets-not a problem.

Putting them on the bed, odd imo.

Even if partner thought that they were OK, why wouldn't he say that he wanted to see if you liked them as well since they were for both of you?

AllThatGlistens · 07/11/2014 11:42

No, I think actually you going all around the houses with this is just going to make it worse.

You have to be honest. There's no need to shout or rant, but you must be honest.

And quite frankly, so what if it causes a situation with your partner? Confused

In all honesty, you already have a situation with him - he's showing no respect for your feelings.

Thrholidaysarecoming · 07/11/2014 11:42

Perfect timing -

"Mil - it's funny you have just text! I've just put my own bedding back on. Thanks for the gesture but I love the feel of mine. I've washed it and bagged it ready so you can out it in yours. Hope you enjoy it x"

I had to send a text to my mil when she let herself in my house and washed my dirty washing. (She was getting in to the habit of milling around the house while we were both at work) I was embarrassed as it wasn't a great time of month IYSWIM. I tried to make it jokey.. "Hi thanks for clearing up today although you didn't really need to and hands of my dirty knickers mrs ;-) "

She still got pissed off but she didn't do it again.

Meerka · 07/11/2014 11:49

agreed, no need for a row with her outright if it's at all possible to avoid it. Putting it nicely will help.

If she's well meaning, she'll understand.

diddl · 07/11/2014 11:50

i wouldn't be putting "thanks for the gesture!"

PulpsNotFiction · 07/11/2014 11:53

'whilst I appreciate the gesture, I prefer to choose our own bedding, as I don't want you popping into my head when your son's giving me one'

Subtle enough?

AllThatGlistens · 07/11/2014 11:56

Grin Pulps

I agree with the others, if you get too hung up on placating her with all the thanks and waffling, your message will be lost.

Be firm, be clear, and be honest. Some people need very clear messages! How she reacts to that will give you the measure of her.

BrendaBlackhead · 07/11/2014 11:59

Sil had this with mil. (Funnily enough, mil never tried it with me [proud face])

Mil had helped bil decorate and furnish his house, and saw it as hers. When sil moved in, mil was beside herself when sil put pink things in the peach bathroom. And when sil planted some flowers, mil came round and dug them up and replaced them with others.

Sil would come from work and find pil sitting eating dinner (only cooked for themselves) after they'd been to the shops.

Sil's solution was to move house, even though the current house was fine. And she gave the pil no keys.

Comito · 07/11/2014 12:01

Argh. My MIL used to have a habit of randomly buying stuff for us too and it was usually stuff she liked rather than what we liked (very different tastes). I got sick of having it all imposed on me, not to mention the clutter so I told DH absolutely no more stuff from her.

She sussed that the refusals were down to me and started asking him when I wasn't around, knowing he would find it hard to say no. I flipped my lid a couple of times and now he just tells her no. The other week she turned up with a tablecloth and vases and got a polite but firm 'thanks but we don't need them and haven't really got room'.

MorelliOrRanger · 07/11/2014 12:24

I agree with diddl, its not the buying of the bedding that's the issue, its the putting it on your bed.

She's overstepping boundaries by going in your bedroom.

Be firm but polite to her and also tell your manchild to cut those apron strings.

starfishmummy · 07/11/2014 12:32

In the case of the bedding I bekive the bkufriend was there when it was put on the bed. Maybe she asked and he said it was fine - and it is his house too. Sounds like the op isn't letting him have much of a say in what goes on in his home.

starfishmummy · 07/11/2014 12:33

And I can't type today

GobTheGoblin · 07/11/2014 12:44

I think your BF has rung his mum and told her, of your conversation with him last night and that's why she has sent you the text asking if you like it.

For what its worth I'd text back 'No its not to my taste, I'll give it back to you when I see you'

Bambamb · 07/11/2014 12:58

My MIL also buys us washing powder along with bags and bags of shopping when she comes to visit.....but never things we like or need. I've tried to be diplomatic and say "thanks so much for the 10 tins of spam (no joke) but we don't really eat it, I'd hate it to go to waste" etc.. but she always brings more. It's a shame because it'd be a big help if she listened to me and got stuff we will actually use. But she doesn't really do it for us, she does it for her IYSWIM.

She also once rearranged all my kitchen cupboards and binned my toaster because "it was disgusting" (it really was not) and replaced it with a new one. I was fuming but it looks ungrateful to have an issue with someone buying you stuff doesn't it?

It's been 17 years now and she still does it but it doesn't bother me so much anymore.....time has faded my anger, now we just chuckle. x

diddl · 07/11/2014 13:14

"Maybe she asked and he said it was fine - and it is his house too. "

maybe he did "ok" it.

It is his house.

His & OPs.

Perhaps OP should have told him that she didn't like the bedding & would he take it off & put theirs back on.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/11/2014 13:24

He likely did okay this because he is far more afraid of upsetting his mother than he would ever be of upsetting his girlfriend. OP really does have a serious problem on her hands because her man here is completely spineless when it comes to his mother. He is not able for many and varied reasons to stand up to her at all. He fails to realise that his inertia here is really hurting his own self as well as his girlfriend.

wickedlazy · 07/11/2014 13:25

Agree to leaving sex toys where she can find them. She is being very inappropriate and weird. The washing powder maybe thoughtful, she'd seen it on offer/half price and got you some. But sneaking in to replace your bed sheets is not on. Your bf needs to sort this out before it gets worse!

AGnu · 07/11/2014 13:36

You could reply "It's lovely but not really my taste. Would you like it back or shall I take it to the charity shop? I will, of course, reimburse you. Perhaps in future you could run things by us if you're not sure we'll like it."

I couldn't care less what my bedding looks like. Can you send her my way? I'd be willing to pretend I'm your DP's new woman if she'll clean my house... Grin

Dancingmummy · 07/11/2014 13:38

My mil does this, and the stuff is always cheap shite. We are moving this weekend and I know the cycle of her trying to arrange the furniture and choose paint colours will begin again.
bambam my mil was desperate to throw my toaster away as she doesn't use hers...?

ByTheWishingWell · 07/11/2014 13:50

Sorry if I'm missing something, but why would you reimburse her? She chose it and bought it, so she can have it (or return it if she wouldn't choose it for her own home). Reimbursing her just sets a precedent of having to pay her for anything she decides to leave in your house.

Holdthepage · 07/11/2014 13:52

It does sound as if she is trying to be nice, the problem here is the mummy's boy you are living with.

The washing powder should be handed back to her immediately with "sorry I can't use that one I don't like the smell". You will have successfully returned her unwanted gift & dealt her a pa insult as, presumably, that is the stuff she uses herself.

captainmummy · 07/11/2014 13:53

she will forward it straight onto bf and then they'll be a situation. -actually, I think you need a 'situation'! You def need to lay down some ground rules, for both her and for your dp.

She does not go into your bedroom, end of. In fact, if she is in your house, she staying in the sitting room or toilet. Not even in the kitchen, unless she sits on her hands.

He stops minimising and brushing off your feelings.

A bit of standing up for yourself will go a long way, op.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/11/2014 13:54

His mother's actions is not her being nice at all; it is done by her to impose her own will on her son and the OP. She does not think that either her son and the OP are at all capable.

MillieH30 · 07/11/2014 13:56

I feel your pain Flowers. I've had trouble with MIL re-arranging things and trying to assert herself in my home for years. Finally stopped dropping hints and told her to stop in no uncertain terms, now she's playing the wounded victim who was "just trying to help". She won't speak to me now and sends packages to my home marked "For [DH] and [my DS] only"!

From experience, your DP is the only one who can sort this out. My BIL stops it straight away if MIL tries any nonsense with his wife. My DH has always ignored or tried to see the best in her controlling behaviour and it got steadily worse. Nip it in the bud now!

captainmummy · 07/11/2014 13:57

Oh and my MIL used to do this, buying all sorts of stuff, expensive and crap. Clothes for the dc; so much that one day I realised that ds1 was head-to-toe, skin-up in clothes she had bought.

Difference is, DH had a go at her, and now she only buys stuff for birthday and xmas, or cheap tat from airports and stuff. She certainly would never buy something so intimate as bed-linen - she used to wash and iron DH shirts when we first moved in, but actually told him she would not be washing our sheets! Grin