Mother in keeps replacing everything I buy with something she buys - any ideas?

[flux500]

mil is very nice to my face.
She does kind things.
She was on the face of it happy when me and bf moved in together but since then some strange things have happened and its developing into a pattern:
She has replaced all the cutlery with new stuff she bought. It was nice, I let it go and donated the the other stuff that I had bought to charity.
She keeps replacing the laundry powder with one she buys and the same with the fabric softener.
Last weekend she bought new bedding and without asking and put it on our bed!
Am I being ungrateful or am I right to be irked by this?

You need to give her one of these jackets and see if she will wear it: jamesmax.co.uk/2010/11/the-wolf-jacket-james-on-the-aprentice/

I cringe now when I think of a thoroughly depressing, utterly life-sucking picture of two boats on a deserted sea that my MIL gave us years ago and I was mug enough to allow up. None of that now though.

I think you can either have fun with this, or swap boyfriends.

Oh God I recignise my mil in there and the fucking victim helpless thing that she needs DP to sort out! He has his own house to run and a full time job you silly old bitch!!!she tries to monopolise him and take over his free time but it ain't working.

We decided to redecorate the bathroom and I mrntioned I like the ideaif a seaside type theme so she bought us a ducking ridiculous wooden lighthouse!! We have no shelves in the bathroom and it's awful and if I wanted a lighthouse I wanted to pick one myself...I don't actually want one though!

She also tried to choose the flooring on the shop but I trampled all over that!!!

I'd tell get your bedroom is private and she ahould not be in there and you have a thing about 'nice' bedding that you choose. Ask her not to re-dress your son as his clothes you had him in were perfectly fine. Act injured and ask why? Why did you go into our private space? Why did you change my bedding? Why did you change MY sons clothes and each answer she gives ask why again and again!

AS has been said, she's marking her territory like a cat pissing all over your house.

She needs to stop and your BF needs to cut the umbilical cord, ffs! He doesn't need his mummy to come over and do all the stuff she did for him when he was a child - technically (although clearly not!) he's no longer a child and he needs to realise that and grow the fuck up.

He also needs to tell his mother that she needs to stop babying him, he's a grown adult (ha!). My DH is similar in that he would let his mother do everything for him if he could - I don't allow it because a) it's a disgusting thing to have going on, makes him a completely lazy fuckwit human and b) I don't like her having that level of input into his or our lives!

I did mostly prevail, but he'll still "let" her do his turn at washing up when she's over looking after DS2 for me, or get her to do bathing/nappy changes etc. for Ds2 even if he's here as well.

It's lazy behaviour, letting mummy do it all for him, shows he's not grown up at all, IMO.

IF you do go for the changng the bedding at hers option, remember to only quote his words when explaining it.

'Oh MIL, you seem upset. But your son thought it was a nice thing to do. When you see I agree with you, it is rude and more than fucking weird. Seems we are more alike than we thought. Have you thought about 'calming down' which is what your son suggested I do after you changed my bedding whilst I was at work'.

^I had a word with bf. I said that this is the last 'gift' I want from your mother and if we want something for our house we will go out a d choose it together. I was calm and collected.

He says he really likes the new bedding and doesn't understand my issue. I repeated myself once again and he said I was getting irate and needed to calm down. I wasn't getting irate I was really calm! Now he won't talk about it. ^

You really have a problem OP. sorry.

Don't, don't, don't have children with this man becuase your partnership is a partnership of three - him, his mother and you - and you are bottom of the pecking order. You won't have many rights in your children.

You might want to take a long look at this child-man and your future

Stop worrying about being rude - she is being terribly rude to you.

Anytime she tries to redecorate or add furnishing reverse the changes back to how you want things that minute. Any 'gifts' she brings to your house return straight away. Literally any time she puts her taste/choices over yours reverse it back straight away. Return it to her don't just give stuff to charity.
You are building a home/family with your husband not her.
She will try every trick in the book to make herself out to be a victim but ignore it all, even the tears - tell her if she didn't interfere in the first place she won't be so upset now.
Tell her she can decorate her home however she likes but not yours and to stop overriding your choices.

Tackle this head on, bluntly and also tell her to stay out of your bedroom FFS it's private!

You won't get the support from your H by the sounds of it so you will have to be serious about meaning this interference stops. He will have to realise that you mean business and it's not his mother he needs to worry about upsetting.
Get really ANGRY! stamp this behaviour out now! You will have ot be on your guard against it creeping back in too.

p.s if you aren't married (some people say P when they are/aren't) don't marry him until this is firmly shut down.

He says he really likes the new bedding and doesn't understand my issue.

He doesn't get it or he's pretending not too.

It doesn't matter whether he like sit or not, it doesn't matter if it cost a fortune, if it was a genuine gift it would have been gift vouchers so you could choose to your own taste.
The issue is he's allowing her choices over yours, you should be number one in his life not mummy.
Show him and her this thread!

No no, don't be showing either of them the thread, that way madness lies!

I agree with reversing her changes immediately; and I also agree with the suggestions to run for the hills rather than get any further involved with this mummy's boy; but don't show them the thread.

My first fiancé was too attached to Mummy (seems to be a theme in my life, although I honestly thought DH was different - he was until he got back within MIL's sphere, and then he reverted!) and she kept trying to impose her taste on our first house - I'd discuss things with him, he'd agree, he'd go back to hers and then next time I saw him he'd be all "Oh perhaps XYZ would be better than what we decided..." but I saw straight through him and the ploy, and she never got her own way.

good luck op, you're gonna need it

I'm sure your dp has plenty of qualities, but he prioritises his mother's place in his life, over you. To the point of shutting down your feelings.

Is this something you can live with? He doesn't seem like he's about to change, back you up, or put his foot down with her interfering... So it's a question of whether you can accept this state of affairs, or not.

If he likes the bedding perhaps he'd like to piss off back to mummy & make use of it there!

Sorry haven't been able to look or post as bf has only just gone to work. I was dying to check in!

Ok firstly I have now realised that I do have to do something about this.

She is over Sunday. I am going to have the duvet cover freshly washed and ironed and give it back to her saying that it's not my taste and seeing as she likes it she should make use of it. I am even going to offer to reimburse her for it infront t of bf so he might realise how not ok this is and how I'm not out of pocket because of them both.

What do you think?

I think I have been living in a dream world and thinking this was just all nice and caring but it isn't. She's trying to insert herself in my relationship and my home. And now I am irate!

I've told bf we will be talking about this tonight and by the time he gets back from work it will be off and our stuff back on.

As if on queue mil has just texted me asking if I like the bedding!!! I wonder if she's reading this?

But the reason you're returning it is not "it's not to my taste"

The reason you're returning it is "I do not want you to interfere in my life, or my home"

Speak your truth.

"MIL, you came into my home and changed my bedding, my cutlery, and my washing powder without asking. I find that incredibly intrusive. Do not make any changes to our home in future."

I think your idea of returning it is a good one - I think stating that it's not your taste lays down the lines over which she should not cross again. Smile pleasantly but firmly and if she demurs, say "no really, I won't be using it again - since you chose it, you should use it in your home"

It's great that you're drawing a line. But do look carefully at your bf here. He's either rhinoceros-insensitive or very much his mummy's boy. He might be fun to be with, but his underlying character is not going to be easy to live with long term.

How is he on the housework?

If he likes the bedding perhaps he'd like to piss off back to mummy & make use of it there!

^^Yes this

If you do reply to her text be polite but firm. Along the lines of ' it was nice of you but we have already chosen our own bedding so your items will be washed and waiting for you to take back on the weekend. Thanks and look foward to seeing you on the weekend'

You need to be firm and clear on this and your dp should be backing you up! Ask his honest opinion if he would mind your mum and dad coming over when he is in work and messing about with his stuff - bet money on it that would piss him off!

I still think the way I handled things with my MIL is worth a go. My MIL just wanted to show that she wanted to treat me as she would one of her own offspring.

By saying that I wanted to build my own home with DH and how I thought that was an important foundation in our relationship, she could relate to that.

I certainly didn't put my DH in a position where he felt trapped in the middle of the 2 most important women in his life, not matter what his short comings were.

I guess it depends on what you think her motives are as to how to handle it.

I think the text is a perfect chance to say that you didn't like the bedding & don't understand why she would think it OK to take the bedding that you & her son had chosen off the bed & put her choice on.

i am assuming there that she also didn't ask her son if he liked it & should she put it on the bed!

Was it your BF house before you moved in. I'm guessing she still see's it as HIS house rather then YOUR house.

Mmmm so being firm but polite.

My worry is if I reply to the text she will forward it straight onto bf and then they'll be a situation.

It was a house we chose together and she had no part in selecting it. At first I was happy to accept all the gifts and maybe I was actually part of this problem. She's seen it as a green light that she can do what she wants in our home and that I've been saying thanks all this time.

I could reply and say I don't know as I've had to wash it (she washed it before she put it on and it smells of her house!) so that's setting a boundary of I only like our stuff to smell of our house? And this could lead into explaining that we want to choose our own stuff from now on.

I'm going to go a bit against the grain here. The gift of new bedding isn't a big deal - she saw something she thought you would like and bought it for you.

Where she crossed the boundaries IMO is when she put it on your bed! However, I'm assuming your DH allowed this seeing as he was in the house.

You need to have a clear chat about boundaries with him and with her.

Why are you scared of your BF? There is nothing inflammatory in that text. Do you really want to deal with this crap for the rest of your life?
It's time to stop being a door mat not only with his mother but with your BF too.

Another option is to move much further away so she can't pop in.