I'm the OW and it's killing me

[ashatteredheart]

I need help. I am so unhappy.

This summer I left my DH of many years standing. We have children together. I got involved with a man on-line who promised me the Earth.. but when I begged for help one night, he ran away and refused to either help or even get in touch. End of relationship. All the more poignant because he knew I had abandonment issues.. yet that is precisely what he did.

But there was someone who helped me. A MM. I know it's not great. I know what I did was wrong. I needed someone and he was there. My self-esteem has been missing for very very many years now due to at times, an emotionally abusive marriage and a horrible family background. This doesn't excuse what I have done.. at times I know I am not thinking straight.

But I can't handle it, it's destroying me. I'm wracked with guilt for his family but I am now in love. Apart from the obvious, he is a lovely man who will not leave his DW because of their children. He gives me the care and attention that I have been craving for half my life. I'm finding it very very difficult to give up. I do't want t let him go..and I have tried several times.

I know there will be some on here who will judge me. And I deserve that. But there is no one who is judging me harsher than myself. Thanks for reading.

It sounds like this relationship isn't actually making you happy. Why do you feel as if you MUST have someone?

Ultimately it's going to take your self-esteem even lower though.

I think you need counseling about being afraid to be independent from men.

What help do you need?

Help to be single for a bit?

That's easy enough. Cut all contact. The situation's making you unhappy, so, change it.

Where are your kids?

You will meet someone unattached who can give you that if you just wait and have patience.

If no one judges you harder than yourself end this relationship immediately.
He is not a " lovely man" he doesn't care about his wife or children. And you don't care about them either.

It is fulfilling emotional needs which haven't been met for a very long time now. That makes me happy. The situation though can never be right, morally. That is what's making me unhappy.

I am under no illusion that he will a, leave his wife or that b, we are star crossed lovers.

I'd be tempted to agree with your point Luis if I thought I had any left.No being overly dramatic, just, rock bottom I suppose.

Not sure what my kids have to do with it siiiiiiiiigh?

Not interested in being flamed soon. Or rather flame away if it makes you feel better. I cant get any lower.

I am interested in hearing from other woman in my situation and how they handled it.

He is not nice. Spending time away from his family and family money with another woman? Thats being nice to you but shit to his family.

But don't worry, once the wife finds out, you might likely have him all to yourself.

You need to walk away and get those emotional needs met elsewhere.

There will never be a good time, and the pain will only get worse.

What stops you from doing that? It's not just you that you need to do it for - his family deserve it, too.

Looks like I made a mistake asking for help. :-(

You need to be on your own for while, seriously.

'Fulfilling emotional needs' is never going to be enough in the long run.
You are looking for somebody else to make you happy, when true happiness lies within yourself.

You need to be on your own, access help (see your GP and be referred to Clinical Psychology), learn to love yourself so you don't 'need' somebody else (let alone somebody else's husband) to try and fill a void or need inside you.

What is the longest you have lived on your own in your adult life?

He barely spends any money on me. I am not after his money.

' But there is no one judging me harsher than myself '

Then do the thing that will make the negative into positive.

You want forgiveness and understanding.... you have to start the ball rolling, be the bigger person here.
Now.

Good question Pacific as an adult, a few years whilst at uni. That's it.

Yes, I am sacred of being on my own and having to rely on a MM and when or even if he can see me. Why cant I find the strength to end it?

You telling him that the relationship is over would give you some ownership over the situation, rather than waiting for him to leave you. Again. And confirming your abandonment issues.
Take control and get help.
No man, married or not, will make you happy when you are not inside.
And untold misery is likely to be ahead if you continue in this relationship.

hes a lovely man
Well he's not is he? He's a cheating devious disloyal cunt!!

You deserve better and you know that.

I absolutely do not want anyone's forgiveness.

Understanding, possibly. I am human.

I don't think your MM sounds nice at all. You might not want to hear this, but only a total shit takes advantage of someone when they are so obviously vulnerable. You still think of him as "helping" you, but actually he was harming you considerably.

No good will some if you stay with him.

You say you've tried to break off, but not managed it. As I think you would be immeasurably better off without him, can I ask what sucked you back in? And what might help you break it off decisively?

You really need to channel your energy into someone else as this man cannot give you what you want or need and meanwhile his wife is being deceived with you in the middle of it. These things rarely stay undiscovered and the fallout could be horrendous.

So what do you want from this situation ???

Have you many friends? They are a great substitute for relationships for a while. Have some fun and laughs and make some nice plans for the future to work towards.
I was with someone from 15-36 then alone for 4 yrs, I learned to love it although it took some determination and many good friends.

I'm sorry but you sound like a total drama queen. I'm actually very pragmatic about affairs, they happen sometimes for various reasons but you know what you're getting into and you roll with it. He's married to someone else, he has children and you're both treating those innocent people very badly whatever starry eyed true love spin you want to put on it. Just stop it. But if you won't then stop moaning about it, because quite honestly you don't deserve any sympathy or understanding or even to have your little "romantic" tale heard.

OP

Let's get something's straight

This man is using you for sex and excitement which are likely to be in short supply given he has children and is married, things fade and settle don't they. So your filling those little gaps. Most men accept the gaps, well the GOOD ones do.

The Adulterers DONT. They go out an seek fulfilment from a woman who they will never truly respect because she is accepting being their bit on the side.

You do this because he is filling a gaping hole in your life. This is a temporary hole that can be filled by another man but whilst your MM is on the scene that's not going to happen

Put it this way if nothing changes. Nothing changes.

And if his wife finds out what then? You dropped like a piece of fluff, probably.

Good luck OP