I'm the OW and it's killing me

[ashatteredheart]

I need help. I am so unhappy.

This summer I left my DH of many years standing. We have children together. I got involved with a man on-line who promised me the Earth.. but when I begged for help one night, he ran away and refused to either help or even get in touch. End of relationship. All the more poignant because he knew I had abandonment issues.. yet that is precisely what he did.

But there was someone who helped me. A MM. I know it's not great. I know what I did was wrong. I needed someone and he was there. My self-esteem has been missing for very very many years now due to at times, an emotionally abusive marriage and a horrible family background. This doesn't excuse what I have done.. at times I know I am not thinking straight.

But I can't handle it, it's destroying me. I'm wracked with guilt for his family but I am now in love. Apart from the obvious, he is a lovely man who will not leave his DW because of their children. He gives me the care and attention that I have been craving for half my life. I'm finding it very very difficult to give up. I do't want t let him go..and I have tried several times.

I know there will be some on here who will judge me. And I deserve that. But there is no one who is judging me harsher than myself. Thanks for reading.

Alchemist... I think a lot of posters feel as you do but what's the point of posting what you did? You don't care about the pain of an OW? Whoop-de-doo. No OP on this board needs to have that pasting when they post for help. If you don't care about somebody's pain maybe don't post that thought if that's the only one that you have?

This is OP's doing, her own behaviour has led to her pain but if she's genuinely posting for advice and getting it then maybe something will strike a chord.

I love your posts Klokk "blood thirsty glee". Perfect for Halloween!

OP, you keep saying you need help, but it's hard to see what help you want.

My husband died suddenly (it was over 20 years ago, please don't pity me), leaving me with a 3 year old, but that was not a reason to do the "Poor me, now whose husband will I nick?"

You appear to be revelling in your "poor me" attitude. You have control. You have choice.

It's your choice to make BAD decisions & choices. Just don't expect other people to enable you.

And stop being rude to posters who are trying to help.

Face to face? where exactly?

If you know you won't be able to cut contact completely, at least make the decision that you NEED to cut contact and then tell him. Tell him nothing good can come out of your relationship with him, that you feel terribly guilty about his wife and family. And tell him that you are going to start reducing contact with him.

Stop meeting him, and withhold texts and calls. Tell him why you're doing this. Then stop completely and tell him never to contact you again. Get a new phone and don't give him your number.

If you desperately need the emotional support of a man to be happy, make it your mission to find a new one. One who's single and will treat you with the attention you crave. There could be someone else just waiting round the corner for you. But you won't know while you're hanging around with a guy you can never properly be with.

Ahem Nicki are you deliberately refusing my questions then?

It will get better OP. even though it doesn't look like it will now. Carrying on will only prolong your pain. OM is not that wonderful considering he himself is not being honest with his wife. If you think he genuinely cares about you then ask him to go home and never contact you again. Change your mobile and delete his number, alternatively superglue your phone to the ceiling when you have a difficult moment. Be strong!!

I was told once. You can't change the past the only thing you can change is where you are now.

I am afraid the past story doesn't turn you into the victim here. It is the wife children who are the victims.

Your last post seems more about justifying your behaviour.

I still don't know what you want help with. You have said you are going to end it upthread. what else do you want advise about.

You need to be on your own and figure out what makes you happy as been the OW certainly doesn't seem to be and for someone who is having all their emotional needs met you sound very unhappy

Why didn't you leave your ex DH if you didn't like him viewing porn? You didn't have any trouble leaving him for another man?! This need to be rescued is something you need to get sorted.

You only left your DH this summer for someone else, you have already ditched him and are seeing a married man. You can't have been seeing him for more than 5 minutes, so just go 'no contact' and stop making such a big fuss over it. He's married & you need to sort your own life out. Making such a big deal over someone you have been seeing for 5 minutes isn't balanced.

Op, don't offer to meet people face to face. It's a bad plan.

If the pain you're causing the wife and children won't stop you then think about the errr 'logistics', so you kiss him, he's been giving his wife oral sex, you give him a blow job, that's the cock that's been up his wife... Is that not enough for you? Grim

I also like to say, this man is not nice. He is very clever and manipulative, you were in a bad state and he took that as his way in to start an seedy affair. Men like him, love vulnerable women like you as you are an easy lay. If he really cared about you and was a nice man, he would either not carry the affair on or he would end his marriage, but he is happy to have you as his bit on the side.

Think about all of this when you feel you do not have the strength to walk away.

starlight I'm really not justifying anything... and I'm sorry if you think I am. Please read the entire thread,

What exactly do you want us to do when we meet?

I ask her to meet me now, face-to-face and we will discuss this like adults, rather than in the anonymity of cyberspace.

are you watching goggle box.. this is what was said 5 mins ago about trolls

I've just responded to you.

Nick hasn't said anything wrong whereas you op, have been incredibly goady

I'm conscious that there are lovely posters who are offering great advice.

I am leaving the MM.

Its going to happen.

Thank you

heart... I've read Nicki's posts and whilst they are direct and maybe a bit blunt, I don't think they're unfair or directed personally at you as a person. I think that you're in a bad, sad place at the moment and that has an impact on how you're reading her posts.

If you're a regular on MN then you know that OW/OM threads are like the proverbial blue touchpaper. Maybe read your thread again tomorrow or whenever you feel a bit brighter and take whatever advice you think is worth a shot.

I know where you are, it's a terrible place. There is no re-set button as far as you and the MM are concerned BUT there is a 'do-over' button for you. You just need to be in that place that will enable you to want to push it. I hope that your Dr is giving you some support for your MN issues and I wish you well.

Well done op, it's the right decision. It's an addiction like any other. One step at a time.

Call troll as much as you want. My user ID record with MN HQ speaks for itself.

I have been posting for many years.

I understand that recent events are making people .. more.. hmm sparky.

And that's OK. I wont be bullied by someone who thinks they can hide under the cover of the 'tin'ternet '.

I simply want to talk. And that is all that would happen if I met that person.

In fact I have reported three of my own in desperation to get this thread pulled. I have pointed out to MN that I have MH issues and I am talking to a Dr at the moment

^ the manipulation doesn't stop does it? You don't like the advice you have been given so you ask for the thread to be deleted, when MN don't jump to and do it, you post in a manner you hope will get the thread deleted, then they still don't jump to it so you introduce the Dr & MH issues.

If you don't want to keep posting, just stop. The thread can stay. You name changed (which is a shame really) but no-one knows who you are, so the thread isn't doing any harm. Walk away. Walk away from the thread and walk away from the married man.

I too believe that she has been cruel and has revelled in it. I ask her to meet me now, face-to-face and we will discuss this like adults, rather than in the anonymity of cyberspace

You are just posting in this manner to get the thread pulled. Just walk away.