I'm the OW and it's killing me

[ashatteredheart]

I need help. I am so unhappy.

This summer I left my DH of many years standing. We have children together. I got involved with a man on-line who promised me the Earth.. but when I begged for help one night, he ran away and refused to either help or even get in touch. End of relationship. All the more poignant because he knew I had abandonment issues.. yet that is precisely what he did.

But there was someone who helped me. A MM. I know it's not great. I know what I did was wrong. I needed someone and he was there. My self-esteem has been missing for very very many years now due to at times, an emotionally abusive marriage and a horrible family background. This doesn't excuse what I have done.. at times I know I am not thinking straight.

But I can't handle it, it's destroying me. I'm wracked with guilt for his family but I am now in love. Apart from the obvious, he is a lovely man who will not leave his DW because of their children. He gives me the care and attention that I have been craving for half my life. I'm finding it very very difficult to give up. I do't want t let him go..and I have tried several times.

I know there will be some on here who will judge me. And I deserve that. But there is no one who is judging me harsher than myself. Thanks for reading.

I'm sorry if I appear to be harsh but what a load of tosh.

"wracked with guilt" blah, blah, blah.

Your story is no different to any other affair. Christ woman, pull your socks up and get on with a proper life.

I'm actually very pragmatic about affairs, they happen sometimes for various reasons but you know what you're getting into and you roll with it. He's married to someone else, he has children and you're both treating those innocent people very badly whatever starry eyed true love spin you want to put on it. Just stop it. But if you won't then stop moaning about it,

Well put by another poster - you knew the score.........if it's really love then he'll leave soonish and you can make an honest go of it. Otherwise you'll have to put up and shut up or end it.

Wrong forum for this.

Actually what he is giving you is the careless bad treatment you've been accustomed to for half your life. There is no care and attention in letting you become ever more involved and vulnerable while the bottom line is that you can only ever be hurt by this. You need to see this relationship not as an escape from the past or as a change, but for what it is - a continuation of you accepting much less than you are worth.

Very wise words from temporary

This is your starting point for changing things.

Why is it the wrong forum? It's Relationships

Understanding about what? You're his second best, he chooses his family over you.

So you're a shag on the side. I'm not sure how that can make you feel any better. I know you'll say it's more than that, but it's not, he won't choose you. So it's not anything like a deep connection on any level.

He saw a vulnerable women and an easy lay and took it.

You need to see it for what it is and the problem will solve itself if you even value yourself the tiniest bit.

You have abandonment issues and then you go ahead and choose a married man? He abandons you every time he goes back to his wife and he will only abandon you in the long-term. I won't bother telling you that he's also abandoning his wife and kids because you don't seem to care about that. How about staying single for as long as it takes to work through your abandonment issues with a therapist.

Sometimes the world just doesn't understand true love! You were probably meant to be with this man. Of course you feel bad about him being married, but you need him and you can't live without him. Try not to feel so bad and just trust that this will be OK because you are following your heart. The heart wants what the heart wants! Also, true love means never having to say you're sorry!

There. Is that what you wanted to hear?

You need to ask youself why you are totally miserable. If the relationship is making you unhappy then you need to move on. There really isn't any other answer. Unless you want the answer that if you wait around hoping and miserable for long enough he will leave his wife and you will ride off into the sunset together. You won't.

MasterBuilder... His wife is hardly is first choice though is she? She should be the only one, not sharing her husband and being unaware of that.

The men (and women) that do this don't really love their spouses nor their OM/OW. They just want to do as they please and hope that they don't get caught.

I agree, however he's already made it clear in his mind his first choice is his family, that's his wife and kids.

Op isn't even factoring in his choice.

FWIW I think all the advice given here is good, though some of it was perhaps expressed harshly given how vulnerable you seem to be at the moment. I also don't think you sound like a drama queen, just someone who's made some bad decisions and is now in a difficult place because of that.

You asked for people who'd been in your position to tell you how they finished it. I tried to guilt-trip myself into ending things for a while, which didn't work - for one thing, if I'd had enough moral fibre to do the right thing just because it was right I probably wouldn't have had sex with someone else's boyfriend in the first place. All that did was make me feel like what I'd already done was so terrible that I couldn't make things any worse by carrying on.

Ultimately I ended it for selfish reasons - I realised that I potentially stood to lose a lot of good friends if this came out, all over some tacky sex I didn't even care that much about. In cheating I was also being a terrible friend to someone I claimed to care about by encouraging their weakness and self-destruction for my own benefit rather than trying to help them change and do the right thing, and I think that realisation finally shamed me into ending it.

Have you ever thought properly about what would happen if this came to light? You'd be dropped like that, with the additional guilt of having helped destroy the lives of his innocent wife and children (and his own actually, although he's obviously more responsible for that than you). End this now and you can use the fact that you did the right thing in a difficult situation as a basis for rebuilding your life and your self-respect. Stay with him and you'll eventually lose it all anyway, either without warning through being discovered or by a gradual corrosive build-up of resentment towards him for never really being able to give you what you need.

I thought I 'needed' the affair to have any self-esteem, but as soon as I'd finished it it was like the weight of the world off my shoulders. No more living in constant fear of discovery, no more lying, no more tiresome trying to justify the unjustifiable every day. Nowadays I feel like someone I want to be, and I'm so much happier for it.

I think Fabulassie has it spot on. OP I think you want help in coping to be the OW long term & for people to tell you it will all be ok.

It won't-he's a predator using your vulnerability against you, he's scum.
Yes he's showing you his lovely, caring side, but would a truly lovely man cheat on his wife & children?
You need to end it as he won't. Take control of this and get some counselling so you learn to be independent.

People will be here to hold your hand every step of the way, but only you can finish it.

I don't think you've had a flaming at all, but I know when you're low everything feels like an attack.

Hope you get some strength soon.

Luis I think she probably means MN as a whole, rather than Relationships...

al point taken - doesn't sit well with me though.

I didn't insult you. I said that you had two options. You rejected one by asking people not to tell you to go no contact. I repeat: What do you want from this thread?

I think it's a great forum for getting a reality check. I love people's honesty here.

Nah, I didn't say that angry you are projecting your own ideas of what my motivations are back onto me. Probably to justify your own harshness IMHO

What I DID say was that I was scared I wouldn't be strong enough to follow it through. Not the same thing.

Oh and it looks as if I am back back hmmm

Or rudeness wildlings,or rudeness..

Thanks temporary for your wise words

As I said in my earlier post, shattered, I think you are over sensitive to the posts here.

I have not seen rudeness. But I have seen honesty and genuine attempts to help.

I second everyone who says you should consider counselling. You have been through a great deal lately.

I have started to see a counsellor. I know I am not in a great place and probably haven't been for some time. I disagree BTW, there have been some very harsh comments on here.

I have only asked for help to get out of my situation and tried to explain why I am finding it difficult.