I'm the OW and it's killing me

[ashatteredheart]

I need help. I am so unhappy.

This summer I left my DH of many years standing. We have children together. I got involved with a man on-line who promised me the Earth.. but when I begged for help one night, he ran away and refused to either help or even get in touch. End of relationship. All the more poignant because he knew I had abandonment issues.. yet that is precisely what he did.

But there was someone who helped me. A MM. I know it's not great. I know what I did was wrong. I needed someone and he was there. My self-esteem has been missing for very very many years now due to at times, an emotionally abusive marriage and a horrible family background. This doesn't excuse what I have done.. at times I know I am not thinking straight.

But I can't handle it, it's destroying me. I'm wracked with guilt for his family but I am now in love. Apart from the obvious, he is a lovely man who will not leave his DW because of their children. He gives me the care and attention that I have been craving for half my life. I'm finding it very very difficult to give up. I do't want t let him go..and I have tried several times.

I know there will be some on here who will judge me. And I deserve that. But there is no one who is judging me harsher than myself. Thanks for reading.

He gives me the care and attention that I have been craving for half my life.

Actually what he is giving you is the careless bad treatment you've been accustomed to for half your life. There is no care and attention in letting you become ever more involved and vulnerable while the bottom line is that you can only ever be hurt by this. You need to see this relationship not as an escape from the past or as a change, but for what it is - a continuation of you accepting much less than you are worth.

If you end it with him, it will hurt, but I think you will also start to feel a sense of wellbeing and power from taking control and doing something that you know is right for you, and for others.

You have not one idea what I have gone through in my life Nicki not the first clue. Or what has led me to this juncture. I didn't set out to be the OW. I don't think many of us do...

My past doesn't excuse what I have done. It doesn't excuse the hurt I am causing.

But my all means, if insulting a total stranger floats your boat, then please do have a good old dig if it makes you feel better.

And again, there are no 'star crossed lovers here' and there is 'no romantic tale to be told'. Perhaps you should read upthread again.

If you end it with him, it will hurt, but I think you will also start to feel a sense of wellbeing and power from taking control and doing something that you know is right for you, and for others.

Yes,I agree. I agree with this. I just don't know how to summon the strength. Please no-one just say stop contacting him. God I wish it was that easy.

While he is fulfilling your emotional needs he's fucking his wife & children over, nice man? I think not op

You need to learn to be happy without a man, it is possible.

Op I am not flaming you , it's called honesty. And I really believe the most helpful thing for you is a reality check.

I didn't insult you at all. Quote an insult please. We have all been through terrible things in our lives that make us act questionably but don't seek to validate shagging someone else's husband because of it. Doesn't wash I am afraid. Own your choices and stop playing the victim.

Absolutely not accusing you of that soon! I think your remarks were tame by comparison. Happy for honest remarks made with the best of intentions to be made :-)

You don't need strength, you need some self-respect, compassion for other people, and to be less selfish.

Yeah right Nicki

and I give you

But if you won't then stop moaning about it, because quite honestly you don't deserve any sympathy or understanding or even to have your little "romantic" tale heard.

That isn't a critique, helpful or insightful or even honest, it is just mean, plain an simple. HTH

listen to temporaryusername, she is very good.
hope one day soon you manage to end it easily and find true happiness.

I do need self-respect, you are right there...

Agreed bluebell I did quote her, should've linked her name to it.

A good friend of mine is in the same position as you. It's heartbreaking to watch. I have heard more about her MM than anyone needs to know about another person. I should probably also buy shares in Kleenex.

The problem is that, like it or not, if you are an OW in love with a MM, no matter how kind of loving he is to you when you have his attention, ultimately it corrodes your self-esteem.

You end up thinking "I can't be worth anything if this man I adore doesn't want to be with me." That's my impression anyway.

I think I would say you need to make a fundamental decision - (1) walk away or (2) carry one.

(1) will probably be for the best in the long run but will be hard. You will need to go no contact. If this is going to be something you can't cope with easily, try to work towards a new year's resolution of no contact at all after 1st Jan. Reduce contact now slowly over time so you get used to it.

(2) - if you decide to carry on, then try to approach it as being like a river that will run its course whatever you do. There is no point in being upset and crying about it; it's not achieving anything. You have to accept that you will get limited time and be second best. If the time you spend with this man is worth it to you, then focus on enjoying the time you have together. When you are apart try to put him out of your mind - compartmentalise the way men do.

Eventually, this will run its course. Either he'll get bored or you will, or you will really hit rock bottom and be so emotionally destroyed that you can't cope with it any more. There is also of course the chance his wife will find out and you will be dumped so fast it will make your head spin.

I'm sorry you are in this situation and wish you all the best to resolve it.

Yyy to what temporary username said!

It depends on your strength of character.

Friend of mine unintentionally got involved with a MM, he said he was single. She found out 3 months later, was very much in love, but ended it there and then. She was LIVID with him for putting her in such an undignified and desperate situation. Never contacted him again. She is now happily married to a wonderful man.
Only date single men OP. If you get caught out by a MM, be dignified and exit asap. You are merely a toy/excitment/change for him. It won't end well for you, not him. Please clear your head and find a happier relationship.

I do have good intentions. I think this MM is taking advantage as you are vulnerable due to your abusive ex. However viewing yourself as a victim who needs help / another man is not productive.
You do deserve better and you need to end this now for your sake and for the wife and dc.
I also think counselling would be really helpful.

You have 2 choices. Either carry on with the affair, which makes both of you nasty and selfish. Or end it and go no contact.
You have rejected both those options above so what is it that you are intending to get from this thread? Is it a solution or is it just that you want attention?

I know there will be some on here who will judge me. And I deserve that.

Yet you are being incredibly rude to anyone who tells you that you are hurting people.

What do you want from your thread?

That's not an insult . My impression of your post is that you're seeking to elevate your shagging someone else's husband into something sad, yet beautiful and totally out of your control and yes you kind of know it's wrong but you kind of deserve it because you've had such a bad time. You left your husband for someone else and now you're having it off with another woman's husband, that's not a one of mistake, that's a pattern of behaviour. You like talking about it too, that's why you've posted here.

I'm no saint, I've done some horrible things in my time but I don't go shouting about them and trying to make them into something they're not to justify them.

OP you won't find much sympathy here, a lot of women have had their marriage wrecked by a cheating husband and their children hurt because of it. You'll likely get some useful advice but whether or not you follow it is your choice.

As for me, all I'll say is you have to start doing things for yourself. Go out to the bar, for long relaxing walks, take up a new hobby, get out there and meet people. Make new friends, dress for yourself and generally do things that you enjoy. Your confidence will rise, your dependence on this married man will lower and you'll find the strength to leave.

Quite a few people here are giving you non-judgemental advice. I haven't seen anyone actually tear you a new one. We're pointing out that your MM isn't so lovely, is taking advantage of your desperation, that the relationship isn't really making you happy, and that you should try to find other ways to be content in your life instead of looking to men to help you do that.

And, reminding you that what you're doing could cause a great deal of harm to a perfectly innocent family also isn't insulting you. It's just stating a fact.

What do you want us to say? Just, "Oh, yes. You feel bad. I understand. I hope you feel better, soon?"

You have chosen the wrong forum to ask for sympathy for your situation.

MN is full of people who are working hard to look after their families.

Threads pop up every day where a woman is concerned that her partner is not being faithful, and they look here for support.

Your MM's wife could well be one of us.

Think about that OP. Because I'm sure that's what crosses the minds of lots of readers of this thread.

You need to stop thinking of him as your lover who provides you with the love and affection you want and need, and start thinking of him as what he really is...the scrapings off another woman's plate.... because that's what he actually is, is that all you are worth? really? I would rather be starved of love and affection than have to settle for left overs. Get a little bit of self worth and realise that you are worth more than that...

Where have I said I have rejected those options angry?

I havn't rejected anything yet. Or rather, I know what I need to do but I'm working out how to summon the strength/self-esteem to do it.

Why do you also feel the need to insult me. Do you think because I am a OW I must be a wicked witch?

You will gain the self esteem by doing it. You can't wait until you have the self esteem. You do the right thing and then you will gain strength from having done so.

Are you waiting for something else to come along and make you stronger?