I'm the OW and it's killing me

[ashatteredheart]

I need help. I am so unhappy.

This summer I left my DH of many years standing. We have children together. I got involved with a man on-line who promised me the Earth.. but when I begged for help one night, he ran away and refused to either help or even get in touch. End of relationship. All the more poignant because he knew I had abandonment issues.. yet that is precisely what he did.

But there was someone who helped me. A MM. I know it's not great. I know what I did was wrong. I needed someone and he was there. My self-esteem has been missing for very very many years now due to at times, an emotionally abusive marriage and a horrible family background. This doesn't excuse what I have done.. at times I know I am not thinking straight.

But I can't handle it, it's destroying me. I'm wracked with guilt for his family but I am now in love. Apart from the obvious, he is a lovely man who will not leave his DW because of their children. He gives me the care and attention that I have been craving for half my life. I'm finding it very very difficult to give up. I do't want t let him go..and I have tried several times.

I know there will be some on here who will judge me. And I deserve that. But there is no one who is judging me harsher than myself. Thanks for reading.

I honestly dont think she is racked with guilt at all. I have a SIL who constantly plays the victim, it wasnt my fault, I had no choice, over and over again. We all have choices.

You have a choice NOW. Continue on like this saying he is the man of your dreams and you cannot possibly get the strength together to leave him and watch another family be torn apart when the affair is revealed. if you are happy with that, just carry on....

I liked the advice from a pp that there's no point in waiting for the strength to magically arrive. You have to take the action first (ie end this unfulfilling relationship) and then gain strength by surviving the aftermath.

You'll never be 'ready' to end it. You'll have to approach it like ripping off a plaster, sorry. And it will be hideous because break ups are hideous. But every time you get involved with somebody you risk being hurt, we all sign up to that. You'll be fine. Just do it.

It is the married man who is harming his family. For all we know if OP dumps him he will just go on to the next one. In fact, that's what I'd expect. Yes, OP shouldn't enable him in any way and should end it for his family, and herself.

OP, I think you are going to have to just force yourself to do it, not wait for a time when it feels easier. I also think that if you open your eyes and face the truth you will want to do it. He is feeding you lines, feeding you lies. Remember that next time you hear him talking. Every time he gives you affection, he is showing you how prepared he is to hurt you. Only hurt can result from affection when you know that ultimately, he can't be there for you in any meaningful way. You need to get angry at this man.

Make a list of all the things you would like from a real partner in the future. This man won't be able to give them to you. If you were suddenly in hospital or ill, could he help? No. Does he show you that you are his priority? No. Does being with him make you feel good about yourself? No. Can he be there for you when you need him, above other people? No. Does he respect you enough to know you are worth more than crumbs of his life? No. Can you live together, go on holiday, have a future, know each other's friends and families? No. Can you be with him without it hurting a woman he has vowed to be faithful to, and hurting children? No.

Do it, OP! Tell him you have decided that you don't want to see him or hear from him again, it isn't fair on his family and it isn't fair on you. Be firm. Do the right thing. There is no happy ending any other way.

He is really not a lovely man. He's a liar who has turned his good face to you for a while. Being with him makes you feel worse about yourself. Find someone decent who doesn't make you feel guilty.

Temporary has put it very well, this man isnt doing anything for you. You say you are unhappy - just let him go.

If you were unwell or needed some help, he wouldnt be able to give you that without notice and without lying to his family about where he was going. Is that OK with you? He could only help you if he wasnt married to someone else. Do you want him to leave his wife?

Also OP, you say you have abandonment issues.

Therefore it makes even less sense to have a relationship with a married man.

Every time his wife needs him, every time his kids need him, you will be regularly abandoned for them...again and again and again.

Whenever he goes out with friends or family, you will also be abandoned.

Dump him now while the relationship is still pretty new, because surely you can see the road ahead isn't going to be a pretty one.

I agree with the people who have suggested counselling. You've recognised that your problems are contributing to behaviour that is hurting other people (and you too). You know that, and you don't want to be that person by the sounds of it. You can take responsibility for changing it, and getting help.

Hi op, having read the thread I have to say that I do not think you have been flamed but that people are asking the tough questions you need to ask yourself. You do seem very defensive about people's reaction, which is understandable given how emotionally washed out you are from this. But it is affecting your reaction to what posters are trying to do here.

Your defensive reaction is also making it hard to work out the nature of the help you are asking for because you are over reacting when it is genuinely offered. Certainly, I can't tell what it is you want here.

Just wanted to suggest that to you so that you might get an idea of how differently your thread reads to someone like me, who is not as emotionally invested as you are. Your raw emotions are affecting what you perceive.

I think you have got yourself to a point where you see yourself any the centre of everything. I'm not saying that to be nasty but you have had lots of problems in the past and a difficult life.

The way you post reads as if you forget that other people have also had hellish lives. Lots of us have been through more pain than anyone should in a lifetime.

His wife could be in this position, as could his children. I really think it would help you to look at yourself as a part of society. You are no more or less deserving of love than anyone else.think about how you want to be treated in life and apply that to how you behave to others.

Strength comes from action. Then looking back and being proud that you did the right thing for yourself and others. I agree with everyone else on here. All the sympathy in the world won't fix this

Very good point Worra, I hadn't thought of it like that but when you do the OP's situation is one ongoing abandonment!

he is a lovely man who will not leave his DW because of their children.

No he isn't. He is a man who finds it convenient to be supported by his wife at home and have somebody else on the side.

He gives me the care and attention that I have been craving for half my life.

He is giving you fag ends. If that is what you have been craving all your life you need counselling.

This thread could reach 1000 posts and have several versions and the answer would always be end it.

And yes, no one has flamed you. Your interpretation of what has been said as "flaming" is something you might want to think about.

Also OP, you say you have abandonment issues. Therefore it makes even less sense to have a relationship with a married man.

People are often drawn to the thing that damages them.

Sorry OP but there does seem to be a whiff of martyrdom about your posts. You seem to be relying on men to 'fix' you or look after you - hence the incident with the online man (how well did you know him?) who refused to answer your distress calls, then involvement with a MM. You sound quite emotionally immature in the way you talk about these men which may be to do with your past and something which needs working on.

I don't think you have said you even love him, just that he 'fulfills an emotional need'. What about him? Are you just fulfilling his sexual needs? I don't think he stays only for the sake of the children.

My advice would be get yourself some counselling in place to deal with your issues and then end it with him before your first appointment so you have the support ready and waiting. How do you end it? Easy, you send him an email/text/whatever saying the relationship is destructive, you do not wish to see him ever again for his family's sake and your own well being and if he chooses to contact you again you will tell him wife about the affair. Poof! Goodbye MM.

Its not a question of judgement-you are clearly not happy yet you want to go down a route that you know full well will not make you even less happy.Realise that he will never ever leave his wife and children,you will always be on tenterhooks.Its not an easy postion you have got yourself into but youmust bite the bullet and get your own life back on track

I also disagree that this thing will 'run its course'. Some women end up being the OW for years. Do not waste your life in this way.

As long as you tell yourself that he's only staying for the children, you won't leave him. If a man truly falls in love with somebody else and happens to be a lovely, honest man, he does the right thing and ends his marriage.

You should listen to what this man is telling you. You are convenient and his words are cheap.

This isn't love, it's desperation and you have one life. Is this how you want to spend it? Receiving validation that is a lie?

How do you end it? You accept it and him for what it is. A massive lie and a dishonest man.

Then you walk away.

I won't flame you, heart but I will challenge your statement that you are 'wracked with guilt for his family'. That's hogwash, you aren't; if you were, you couldn't participate in this with him.

The reason you are unhappy is because you know it is going nowhere. That's a hard realisation for you but real it is.

As pp have said - two possibly painful choices:

1. End the affair yourself - you'll miss him, what you thought you had, it will feel weird and out of step and maybe uncomfortable, but you'll be free to get the support you need.

1. Carry on as you are - you'll drift along, keep being unhappy and he will ultimately dump you because a) there may be a close call of discovery or b) change in circumstances in his family or life or c) you'll give him a prod too many to make a permanent change - and he will.

Pick your pain but please, don't affect fake feelings for this man's family. If he isn't very nice then, I'm afraid, neither are you, hard though it is to read that.

OP, you've had a really tough few months and I believe you need proper help to process the end of your EA marriage. If your self esteem was better you would want far more from a relationship. This MM is just another manipulative loser who is using you to satisfy his own selfish needs. I don't think you are a terrible person otherwise you wouldn't be feeling quite so much guilt and misery.

Please think about getting some counselling after ending this affair. You deserve to be so much happier in the future but in order to achieve this you need to find a way to get over your recent past.

I can't believe how utterly vile some people have been to you. We are all human beings, and if another human being is in pain then they deserve some empathy. Say nothing if you can't be consrructive in some way. Calling another person a drama queen when they are genuinely hurting is vile and low. It actually disgusts me.

I would suggest you get yourself to Relate- they help single people too. Either thar or go to your go and get a referral for therapy. It will really help you to undeerstand why you are in the place you are in, and how to start to heal yourself. As for the bloke- well of course you need to end it. But that is like telling an alcoholic to 'just stop drinking'. Maybe take a few days away on your own where you can't see him? Challenge yourself to be alone and really think. Look after yourself.

Meant go to your GP.

Gosh OP, you are being a bit wet...