I'm the OW and it's killing me

[ashatteredheart]

I need help. I am so unhappy.

This summer I left my DH of many years standing. We have children together. I got involved with a man on-line who promised me the Earth.. but when I begged for help one night, he ran away and refused to either help or even get in touch. End of relationship. All the more poignant because he knew I had abandonment issues.. yet that is precisely what he did.

But there was someone who helped me. A MM. I know it's not great. I know what I did was wrong. I needed someone and he was there. My self-esteem has been missing for very very many years now due to at times, an emotionally abusive marriage and a horrible family background. This doesn't excuse what I have done.. at times I know I am not thinking straight.

But I can't handle it, it's destroying me. I'm wracked with guilt for his family but I am now in love. Apart from the obvious, he is a lovely man who will not leave his DW because of their children. He gives me the care and attention that I have been craving for half my life. I'm finding it very very difficult to give up. I do't want t let him go..and I have tried several times.

I know there will be some on here who will judge me. And I deserve that. But there is no one who is judging me harsher than myself. Thanks for reading.

Oh FGS chilling I am being flamed. Anyone can see that.

Being insulting IS flaming.

Lets let MN decide whether they will delete the thread.

OP you should never put yourself in a position where you are begging other people for help, or to take you back.

What were you begging for help with when the other man left that you wrote about in your original post? Just out of curiosity?

Perhaps you find some safety in being with a married man because you can justify their inability to commit to you properly and see it as less of a personal rejection? Might be why you are finding it hard to end it. It will be hard, op, and it will take a lot of strength, but do try to go for it!

Never said it did, never said it did. Isetan

But what help do you want, OP? Do you want to be told it's OK, and that we understand that you can't end it?

Sometimes, tough love is the best love: being told to sharpen up, get over yourself and just cut contact.

Take his number out of your phone
Delete his emails, or copy them onto a CD Rom & pack it away
Any time you feel you need to contact him, ring your best female friend
Think about how you'd tell your mother what you've been doing
Each time you DON'T answer the phone to him, or contact him, give yourself a treat

Is this the sort of help you want?

Sometimes, when people give you advice that you absolutely don't want to hear, that can tell you something very powerful & interesting about the thoughts that you normally can't acknowledge

No one is flaming you or insulting you. You really need to get over yourself.

How long have you been seeing him OP?

So you've lurched from one unsatisfactory relationship to another, isn't it about time you found out why and did something about it?

Yes chimney that is good advice.
I will follow that. Thank you.

No actually, I really do feel under attack.

But, I am sure this in turn will illicit a whole swathe of responses saying that I deserve it.

Great. :-(

The only way out is through, OP. Like quitting smoking.

Decide to do it. Maybe go away straight afterwards, to a friend or on holiday.

Every day, every hour, every minute if necessary, decide that you aren't going to call him. Do stuff that makes calling him hard - go to the cinema, paint your house so your hands are mucky etc.

Do you feel any remorse for what you are doing to his darling wife and children?

Not blaming you totally as I think he is nasty for what he's doing but I'm interested on whether you feel remorse OP.

handful please read from the very top of the thread. The bit that explains how I feel about that.

I haven't treated you badly. I've been honest. I've not called you names or been insulting. You've just not received the brand of "support" you hoped for. I'm not actually surprised that you feel you're being attacked given your attitude towards this whole affair of yours.

Oh and I have recurred valuable advice from MN many times, the best of which was not padded with cotton wool with a pretty now on it!

You sound very needy. If you genuinely are racked with guilt, end it.

It's not rocket science.

How long have you been seeing him OP?

Make plans first. Book a holiday, or just make sure you are really busy - join some clubs, take up a new hobby. Put your friends on speed dial. Then cut contact.

You ARE in control of this situation. You have to believe that before you can do anything.

As others have said, stopping this will improve your self esteem. If you carry on, you will continue to feel shit about yourself, then look for approval from the MM, and he will continue to take advantage of your weakness.

He isn't a nice man. He is an opportunist who is prepared to use you. And betray his wife and children.

You do seem to enjoy playing the victim OP. You are not the victim here, his family is. You need to own your choices.

I still don't understand OP - I've had a shit life, a truly shit life and I could never do that to another woman. Yes, I have had it done to me by a husband who I loved completely. It hurts, it hurts so much, more than it would hurt you to end it.

I'm not flaming, I'm being honest. End it, it will end in so much pain and that includes more pain for you.

Imagine what he is saying to his family when he meets you. He lies, he misses spending time with his children when he is with you.

And unfortunately for you I agree with some posters who say that you are wallowing in pity, giving a view that you are not really in control and you dont have the strength to leave him. Just leave him and stop ruining everyones lives including your own.

FGS - think of your children - you are certainly not thinking of his.

A lot of people think "other woman = evil" but imo your post proves what i thought , it is to do with low / damaged self esteem.

Try to raise & repair yours. Hope u r not torn apart here.

The thing that puzzles me is that you say you are wracked with guilt. But your actions, and your words here suggest otherwise.

Yonic Screwdriver's advice is excellent.

Or have a look at the AA guidelines for dealing with alcoholism. One Day at a Time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time.

You say you are unhappy. Perhaps in order to help you end it you should put yourself in his wife's shoes. How would you feel if it were your DH the father of your children that you love and trust completely that you find out is having an affair?

The guilt of being the person that puts another woman through that should be enough to end it. Lets face it he will go and get his kicks elsewhere. You know it is wrong so don't be that person.