I'm the OW and it's killing me

[ashatteredheart]

I need help. I am so unhappy.

This summer I left my DH of many years standing. We have children together. I got involved with a man on-line who promised me the Earth.. but when I begged for help one night, he ran away and refused to either help or even get in touch. End of relationship. All the more poignant because he knew I had abandonment issues.. yet that is precisely what he did.

But there was someone who helped me. A MM. I know it's not great. I know what I did was wrong. I needed someone and he was there. My self-esteem has been missing for very very many years now due to at times, an emotionally abusive marriage and a horrible family background. This doesn't excuse what I have done.. at times I know I am not thinking straight.

But I can't handle it, it's destroying me. I'm wracked with guilt for his family but I am now in love. Apart from the obvious, he is a lovely man who will not leave his DW because of their children. He gives me the care and attention that I have been craving for half my life. I'm finding it very very difficult to give up. I do't want t let him go..and I have tried several times.

I know there will be some on here who will judge me. And I deserve that. But there is no one who is judging me harsher than myself. Thanks for reading.

I don't think he's nice at all, and although he says he isn't leaving his wife because of the kids, how do you know. Its not like you can trust him because he's a liar. Quite often they don't leave because they love their wife, full stop.

You are worth so much more than this and being on your own for a while without a man, married or not, will do wonders for your self esteem.
It will give you the opportunity to learn who the real you is and get to like her.

Well Nicki your impression is dead wrong.

I am trying to get support so that I can end it.

Or would the best solution for everyone be for me to carry on?

Gosh people are being harsh tonight, shattered. So many people confident to cast stones. I agree that temporaryusername offers good perspective, also soontobesix. The sooner you gain the confidence to live as an independent, fulfilled adult, the better for your long term mental health.

That's a good point Fabulassie

Thanks argy, I appreciate that. I will say again, the vast majority of OW do not set out with that in mind. It's not a long term career goal

You want to end it? Pick up the phone and cancel your next "date". It's as easy as that. Then come back and you'll get tons of support. I have seen it on here.

He isn't a nice man.
Nice men don't cheat on their wives and children.
You deserve better.

Looks like I made a mistake asking for help

But what "help" do you want, OP? It seems you just want shoulders to cry on.

You say that noone can judge you more harshly than you do yourself, but you're not judging yourself harshly enough to actually cut contact wit this man.

A harsh person might observe that it seems as though you're revelling in the drama.

ashatteredheart I've given you advice on how to find the strength and confidence to end it and you've completely ignored it. Are you sure you're looking for advice or just want to argue with people?

His poor wife.

Don't try to end it - end it and you will feel your self esteem grow

Ok Nicki I could indeed do that.

And whats to stops me capitulating and begging him to take me back?

If I end it, it has to stay ended, or else, what's the point? I know I'm not strong enough to do that and be a 100% certain that I can walk away.

I'm sorry pretty, you did give good advice.. but I have been distracted somewhat by being flamed.

Please don't misunderstand my reluctance to be harried away as wanting to have a fight.

Thanks for your advice.

Dump him.
You and his wife deserve better. He is no man.

Thank you to everyone who has posted on here.

I appreciate all of your advice and I will end the relationship.

But I have asked for the thread to be pulled as its turning into a bear pit.

I only asked for advice. I would've liked to have let this stand as it's important to see threads which show the good and the bad of MN.

Thank you to everyone who replied with compassion and understanding. Life isn't black and white.

If you only split with your DH in the Summer and this is your second bloke since the split, you can't have been seeing him for all that long.

Dump the slime ball now, it'll no doubt save you (and more importantly the innocent parties in this) from even more heartache,.

Ignore folk who you feel are flaming you, it never helps in the long run to get into an argument about it.

I've not been in your exact situation but I was in the position of needing to regain my confidence to leave my exp. There will come a point where you get so fed up of the hollow lonely heartbroken and empty feeling that you'll simply stop caring. But that can take a long time and it already sounds as though you feel low enough so doing things for yourself, whether with friends or by yourself, and regaining parts of your life separate from him will do you the world of good. You'll start to feel happy without it being him making you happy and you'll find the strength that way. Best of luck to you

Well nothing except knowing that ending it is the right thing?

What did you envision? An ongoing thread where you breathlessly report all the latest updates, while we all hang on with bated breath to see if you've finished with him or not?

I am actually sorry that you think I am being harsh. This to me is a no brainer, yes it's hard but you knew that getting into it didn't you? This isn't a situation where you Didn't Know He Was Married Till It Was Too Late!

Finish with him then post again and I guarantee you'll get a ton of support. I have no patience with the Will She/Won't She I am afraid.

Op-he is not'giving you affection and love' he is taking from you. He is taking more of your self esteem by the simple fact that you are having an affair and you know it's wrong.
You need strength to end it? Stand on one leg at dawn facing east with a hair from his head in your left hand and a vial of your tears in your right, turn round 3 times........
Or do what you know is the right thing, the thing that will give you strength and decency. End it now.

Jesus Nicki.. seriously what is your problem?

I really hope that there isn't a situation in future where YOU came to MN for genuine help and someone treats you the way you have treated me.

Hi

You are getting a flaming. I've also been the OW. It's horrible and I didn't intend for it to happen either. If you'd told me I would end up being one I'd have been horrified or not have believed it.

Giving them up ? I wish I had an answer. I do think though there comes a point where you accept what an arsehole they are (to you and their family) and something snaps ?

I have tried before to give him up and him me but one of us always cracked ? Deleted numbers all sorts but then he turned up at my house. But the most recent thing that happened I think it just clicked that I don't deserve this and I don't want to be this horrible home wrecker. And that he totally doesn't give a shit.

But it has to come from you. It never would have worked before because even though I was upset I still didn't want it give him up even though I did wish I'd never met the fucker.

So basically yes I think you might benefit from some therapy or talking to someone. Not about this but about your self esteem in general. Might give you strength.

Let's just get one thing straight, right now. You have not been flamed. People have been very kind to you so far. So, if I were you, I'd stop the pity party over that!

Turning into a bear pit? Absolute rubbish.

I only asked for advice - but what did you actually want people to say? They have said all there is to say. You have two options, stay and get hurt, leave and get your life back. There isn't a third option.

MN don't just delete threads because the OP doesn't like the replies.

Life isn't black and white, no. But this is. He is married, he's not free to be in a relationship with you and taking his scrapings like this is not good for you, so do what you know you need to do.

Thank you wish, that's pretty much what I am going through.

I know it needs to come from me. And that is the situation I am most afraid of, the on/off/on thing.

I'm not buying the wracked with guilt line. Be honest with yourself, your needs (temporarily) being met by this man trump the probable emotional pain coming his wife's way.

Your quest for penis shaped emotional validation and support will be a long, painful and ultimately unrewarding one. Your energies would be better invested in understanding yourself and your needs, this man represents temporary fix.

You won't be the first to grow up in a dysfunctional home and to have escaped an abusive relationship (I got that t-shirt) but that doesn't give you a free pass when it comes to your conduct.

Good luck, shattered. Seems like you are due some.