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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH left me via an email

746 replies

INeedToEat · 09/08/2014 14:36

I was on holiday with the kids (alone), the day before we were meant to leave (yesterday) I get an email from DH of 13 years saying he has packed up and left. That he has got a flat somewhere but is first going away for over a week and his phone will be turned off. WTF. Oh and I can tell his son or he will tell him when he gets back. Now this isn't some wanker of a bloke, oh no - this one is one of the good ones usually. Hard working, rarely goes out, sober, kind and of course a good father yes really.

Our relationship to be fair could be better, we rarely properly talked and lead pretty individual lives - we have never discussed splitting up and never argue. No obvious signs of an affair but wouldn't be surprised.

I haven't eaten since I got the email. I have been in a haze , walking from one thing to another. I have told my son, he is beside himself particularly because of the no contact. It is killing me watching him in so much pain.

Any practical or emotional support welcomed. I can not think straight.

OP posts:
rumred · 09/08/2014 14:38

sorry youre in such an awful position, i cant imagine the shock

can you speak to any of his friends or family for some advice/support/info?

MuttonCadet · 09/08/2014 14:40

That's just horrific, you must be devastated. The no contact is particularly cruel.

Look after yourself, eat, (I know you won't want to), get some rest and give yourself time.

He's most definitely not one of the good ones, good people don't do this. You deserve an explanation, (I think it might be OW as well), he owes you that much at least.

Thanks
Primadonnagirl · 09/08/2014 14:44

Not being unkind, but given your second para about leading individual lives not sure why it's such a shock? Or are you shocked that he's actually done something about it.? It sounds as though you both had settled for what you had rather than were happy with each other...He could have handled it much better but maybe if the relationship was effectively over , his leaving means you can both move on?

sailorsgal · 09/08/2014 14:44

I think you need some real life support. Have you got a friend you can confide in?
I am shocked that he could only tell you by email.
Try to eat something even if it's a piece of toast.

Original poster
INeedToEat · 09/08/2014 14:47

I haven't cried yet - is that odd? How could he leave his son like that. I know he is not a good person for doing this, really I do. But he usually is, genuinely. He mentioned that he feels he is having a break down... this is so out of character for him. He hates confrontation so i shouldn't be surprised that he left like a coward. It is the no contact that is getting to me. I need answers.

I am so angry at him and have sent two emails - with no reply. Cunt. I am posting here so I do not send any more like a mug.

OP posts:
TomatoSorbetWoman · 09/08/2014 14:49

agree, dont send any more

rumred · 09/08/2014 14:50

you'll be in shock. completely understandable. eat and talk to someone who can help you deal with it. he's clearly not going to make it easy for you

MuttonCadet · 09/08/2014 14:50

No it's not odd, you're in shock.

Do you have RL support, a friend, sibling, parents that you can talk to?

You might be able to get answers from his family, have you contacted them?

Original poster
INeedToEat · 09/08/2014 14:50

Prima. Leaving the relationship is one thing but leaving via an email and deserting his son like this is another. Either way I think i am allowed to be in shock.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 09/08/2014 14:52

Whether he's having an affair or not, that's incredibly cowardly.

Some of the first steps might be:

  • find someone to talk to IRL. It's a horrible thing to have to say what happened but in the end it does help if you have someone sympathetic to talk to.
  • check he's not able to do anything else out of character such as withdrawing all the money from your account Sad however unlikely it seems, might as well play it safe
  • get some simple food such as yoghurts, tins of soup or whatever you think you can force down yourself - avoid alcohol as it makes you even more stressed and depressed
  • get out and get some exercise so that you feel tired at the end of the day and work off some of the stress
  • arrange something to do with your son for the next week so that you're not just sitting round waiting for the "not a wanker".
Vivacia · 09/08/2014 14:54

How old is his son? Is his son also your son?

Original poster
INeedToEat · 09/08/2014 14:56

My sister knows and has been round. I can not face telling my parents yet. They love him. My best friend went on holiday yesterday and i can not face telling others yet....not sure I could get the words out and make it real.

I have no way of contacting any of his family. He is pretty much no contact with many of them anyway. Tho I suspect he is abroad visiting a brother. I am not sure I want to contact any of them anyway. I have taken his number out of my phone and would like to get rid of his email address but I dont know how.

Feel better for typing some of this out. Means I do not have to talk.

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 09/08/2014 14:56

Of course you're in shock! Anyone would be in shock after having received such terrible and unexpected news. That he's decided to tell you this by email rather than face-to-face and then go no-contact is just completely cowardly. Cowardly fucking bastard!

Will you be OK in the short-term, got anyone in real life you can turn to for some hand-holding and a shoulder to cry on?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/08/2014 14:57

Tell others don't bottle this up. It might not have been a match made in heaven but after 13 years, an email? !

Vivacia · 09/08/2014 14:58

You must be in complete shock, no need to rush in to anything.

(For what it's worth, I don't think the email is the crime of the century. I can well see people advising that for posters on here asking for help in a relationship they feel is loveless).

Original poster
INeedToEat · 09/08/2014 15:00

Our Son is 11 and about to start secondary school. Cunt.

No joint account (not actually married). Son's passport is here. All he took was his clothes and car.

OP posts:
Primadonnagirl · 09/08/2014 15:01

I didn't say you weren't allowed to be in shock! I just meant I was confused given the way you had described you relationship.Of course he has been a absolute coward and cruel.

LittleLadyFooFoo · 09/08/2014 15:01

OP,I'm so sorry. This was me exactly a year ago. Last July I came home from a holiday with our DC and I came back to a letter telling me he had packed up and left! There was a letter for my eldest son, 10, telling him too and he was responsible for telling his 5 year old brother! I thought my DP was one of the good ones but looking back I've discovered he had been EA me for a while. I had been brainwashed to think he was a good guy!
My advice is to to speak to friends and family. Get a support network. My family were good at ensuring I was eating. Allow yourself to be upset and talk it out with those closest. Get some legal advice. A lawyer will usually give you a half hour appt free. Safeguard any bank accounts. Keep any documents, passports, etc safe.
Feel free to pm me. Keep posting here. There is a wealth of advice x

chockbic · 09/08/2014 15:02

Leaving you with an email is terrible.

You must be wondering what kind of man you've been with.

Has he met someone else?

LittleLadyFooFoo · 09/08/2014 15:04

I didn't like to say but I discovered a few weeks later there was an OW. Although he denies to this day it wasn't until he left. I'm not saying this is what has happened in your case, but something to be aware of.

Original poster
INeedToEat · 09/08/2014 15:04

Splitting up is fine if that is what he wanted. Wish he would have spoken to me about it first though. It is the plotting/deceitfulness and running away that is killing me - having his son thinking he has run away from him too. I have told son he can email him but he has chosen not too for the moment.

I dont want to turn my pain into being a cunt towards him.

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 09/08/2014 15:05

You don't need to get rid of his email address as that is going to be the only means of contact between you for a bit. Leave it until he contacts you and then he needs to be told that the only communication between you will be about the kids and that will be via email only. No face-to-face, no phone calls, nothing else.

Meanwhile you need to protect yourself. If there's any money in joint bank accounts you need to ensure he can't clean them out leaving you nothing to feed the kids with or pay the bills.

Start looking around for a solicitor dealing with family issues. This will be your only conduit for contact about any matters not relating directly to the children. Like the divorce. Like the financial settlement

Change the locks (or rather the BARRELS) so he can't waltz back in for any reason. Like collecting stuff or seeing the children.

heyday · 09/08/2014 15:05

These sort of really unexpected shocks take a while to get your head around and the healing process will be a complex and a highly emotional journey.
Try not to let your son see too much of your emotion as he has more than enough to deal with right now and may even be blaming himself for his father leaving.
It's probably not a shock that he has ended this relationship but the cruel way in which he did it makes it harder to bear.
Look after yourself during this period, try to get a little bit of food down you as you need to keep your strength up especially for your DS.
In time you will find out more about what has gone wrong. It's going to be a very stressful, painful time ahead.
Your pain will, in time, ease and life will get better again but I know you will not be able to see the small light at the end of this very dark tunnel.
Hang on in there.

littleSpud · 09/08/2014 15:06

What a spineless twat

Op I'm so sorry Thanks

Vivacia · 09/08/2014 15:06

Oh God, I thought you were going to say his son is 23 and from a previous relationship or something.

I think you need to prepare yourself for there being someone else.