DH left me via an email

[INeedToEat]

I was on holiday with the kids (alone), the day before we were meant to leave (yesterday) I get an email from DH of 13 years saying he has packed up and left. That he has got a flat somewhere but is first going away for over a week and his phone will be turned off. WTF. Oh and I can tell his son or he will tell him when he gets back. Now this isn't some wanker of a bloke, oh no - this one is one of the good ones usually. Hard working, rarely goes out, sober, kind and of course a good father yes really.

Our relationship to be fair could be better, we rarely properly talked and lead pretty individual lives - we have never discussed splitting up and never argue. No obvious signs of an affair but wouldn't be surprised.

I haven't eaten since I got the email. I have been in a haze , walking from one thing to another. I have told my son, he is beside himself particularly because of the no contact. It is killing me watching him in so much pain.

Any practical or emotional support welcomed. I can not think straight.

[Lndnmummy]

For what it is worth I find your actions v inspiring. Breathtakingily so actually. It is such a recent split and you have already managed to get to a place where you so clearly put the needs of your son first. To encourage him to rebuild the relationship with his father, to find it in you to actually feel some concern over your dh and his appaling actions is just so - damn dignified. I for one, could only dream of such resiliance.
This is part of your core character and you should be so proud. It is this character that will not only see you through this time but will make you happy again. It takes courage to move on, forgive and to be happy. You seem to hae heaps of it, good for you doing silly hi fives.

I wish I knew you, would love to share a bottle of wine!

[Lndnmummy]

Sorry meant to say i was doing virtual silly hi fives, sorry for stupid ipad typos.....

[INeedToEat]

Lndn - thank you, really sweet of you. Where in London are you ?? That wine may be possible !!


Finally got around to looking at son's mobile - and we can not find the charger. So it seems I will be buying him a new mobile today. That way he can also text or call dad.

[Lndnmummy]

Aw thats so nice that he has a mobile and can text/call his dad when he feels ready.

You are doing so well! Will PM you where I live x

[INeedToEat]

A few emails went back forth last weekend... True to form he did not answer me for a week.. got this tonight...

I am happy for you that you have moved on and that you have forgiven me. I am trying to forgive myself but that is proving hard. Whilst I cope on a day to day basis (work) the overall picture isn't so great - my fault, I know. Hopefully time will help with that.

I have continued with emails to Son* and he seems to be happy to do so, having replied to almost all of them. I would never force a meeting with him as I don't want him to feel any more pressure that he has already endured. I want him to want it. He told me about his new phone which I thought was telling me he wanted to speak via it, but when I asked him for the number he didn't reply.

I don't remember being moody and unfair with him - however, I was not myself so I can't deny that could have been the case.

His room looks fantastic - well done. I am sorry it was left to you to do.

There is a room for him, if or when he wants to stay, which I know could take some time. It can be decorated how he wants.

I miss him desperately. Not being able to think clearly of the consequences of what happened was the biggest mistake I have ever made. I do not know how at the moment I can undo some of the damage without the danger of upsetting him further as I cannot judge his mood or feelings via email. I will try and think of something.

I hope You, older son, son and the cats are all ok.

I have not replied .. nothing to say really

[WellWhoKnew]

Hey, was thinking about you just today and wondering how things were getting on now that 'things are settling down'.

Wanted to read that there had been mucho progress and that you were okay with it all.

Totally get that there's nothing to say to that 'woe is me' email. There isn't, really, is there. So very sad.

How are you feeling?

It is, however, pleasing to read you have cats. All the BEST people have cats .

[INeedToEat]

lol love my cats !! I read your thread today .. have my fingers crossed for you in September.

I am really good - son not so good... School has been going well for him and he had made friends.. but still no contact with his dad. As you can see i got him a phone but he doesn't want to speak with dad or see him.

[WellWhoKnew]

I love my cats too - keep me sane and make sure I get out of bed in a morning (fuckers).

Good to hear you're doing okay, and son settling in to school. Dunno what to suggest with regard to son really, but perhaps there's a school counsellor who could have a chat with him so he can say why to someone impartial? Have you explored this avenue? Or do you do pick up/drop downs at school so could 'engineer' a "I can't pick you up today, Dad'll have to do it". But again, pros and cons (and may not be feasible anyway).

Long way to go in the divorce proceedings I'm afraid. Having seen his Form E, we're now predicting it's going to go all the way. Got a spare 20K you can lend me ?

[INeedToEat]

His school is across the road ... and he walks the 30 seconds alone and I am arriving back from work when he gets in ...

[WellWhoKnew]

pah! I knew that (forgotten sorry) - you mentioned it early on.

School counsellor?

[Adarajames]

Glad to hear you're doing well. Your son is communicating with his father, so I'd let him ate the pace for a while longer, not push him to have face to face contact, starting new school is big thing, along with such assume change in home life, he'll get there especially as you're doing he most mature thing of not bad mouthig his father. You're doing amazingly well, hope you're proud of yourself ?

[INeedToEat]

I did inform school WhoKnew, they are keeping an eye on him. Not sure I want to push him to have to talk to someone though...

Adara. Thank you. Not sure I am always that mature ... as I have not replied to his email... saying that he did not actually ask me anything...

[ravenmum]

There's nothing immature about not talking when it isn't necessary. I haven't got to a further stage than you at this point; am also trying to tidy things up after the split and sort out the practical stuff. But it seems to me that there is nothing more to say. In my case there's definitely no need for any further conversation, apart from those practical things, and at some point even those will be finished and there will simply be no reason for us to speak again. A weird idea after many years of marriage, but that's what happens when you split up! Do you feel any differently? Are his contrite emails making you think there might be something you could try to save?

[INeedToEat]

Raven - Oh god no !! If I had known what a coward he was I would have never been with him in the first place....his lack of ability to hold a conversation is a turn off... just wish we had split sooner and anyway.. I have a date tonight ;0)

It is weird that the emails will stop eventually ...that he will never again be a part of my life. But exciting at the same time.

Hope things are going well for you x

[ravenmum]

I also feel hopeful that things might work out better without him around, nasty though a split might be. It is a shame not to be able to summon up more sadness, but in some ways they are doing you a favour when they ensure by their behaviour that you are not going to miss them! I guess your paths have to cross occasionally as parents, but I can't see myself wanting to sit and have a chat if there's no need.

A date sounds like fun, hope you have a good time!

[WellWhoKnew]

A date? Woo-hoo!

Yeah, he seems to be keen to make you his counsellor and peacemaker between him and son. That needs knocking on the head (by way of no response, I suggest - of course!).

Truth be told your only loyalty and concern is with your son.

But you are the person who does appreciate the value of him having Dad in his life. Guess all you can do is keep encouraging son to think of something he'd enjoy doing with his dad, and then facilitate it if he/you can come up with something.

Hope the date was fabulous (or at least not a total horror).

[INeedToEat]

Morning ..

It seems son and dad spent a lot of time talking on line last night ... (son is at grandparents but his phone is here so i can see) and it seems to be going well.

Date was ... interesting and I had a fun night but will not be seeing him again - really not my type!

[CrabbyTheCrabster]

How's it going INeed?

[INeedToEat]

Hey, Son is chatting to dad for an hour+ most evenings. He is yet to meet up with him, but this is a good thing and a move in the right direction at his pace.

Me? I have rediscovering the meaning of fun :)

You know, anyone out there reading this.. being 'dumped' however it happens is not the end of the world and new opportunities are around every corner. I have had the chance to remember all the good things about myself. He did me a favour.

[Dowser]

I got dumped by letter . Gawd I forgot that. I'd gone to work and when I got home there was a letter telling me he had left and his phone was switched off.
Thank god it wasnt delivered before I went to work I would never have made it out of the door.

Nasty twunting twatting twunt!

I cried all night.

Selfish! Selfish! Selfish!

He was obviously away with OW. Yes that one, the one he wasn't having an affair with.

Makes you sick doesn't it when they can't man up and tell you to your face!

[CrabbyTheCrabster]

INeed I'm glad things have settled down. That's great that DS is talking to him but still setting the pace and not meeting him until he feels ready. I bet the silly fucker is really feeling the pain now of what he threw away.

Brilliant that you're tasting freedom and moving on, too. You handled all this with such dignity, am in awe!

[ravenmum]

Glad to hear that things are calming down a bit for your son. I hope he can find a new normal soon.

[Adarajames]

Glad to hear you're doing so well

[INeedToEat]

Son saw his dad last night for the first time. I am struggling a bit today.

I have had to deal with what he did, encourage his son to have some form of contact for the last two months (like the good mum) and I am angry, really angry.

For the record, no OW has popped up yet. This I would feel better if one had. Least leaving me like this for someone else would have been easier to understand.

[Bigoldsupermoon]

Been following this thread quietly since it all kicked off, OP, and just want to tell you how brilliant it is to see how far you've come with such a shitty situation. Really amazed at your strength, courage and determination to put your son first - just hope life continues to improve for you, and that you and mini-Ineedtoeat get the happiness you deserve x