DH left me via an email

[INeedToEat]

I was on holiday with the kids (alone), the day before we were meant to leave (yesterday) I get an email from DH of 13 years saying he has packed up and left. That he has got a flat somewhere but is first going away for over a week and his phone will be turned off. WTF. Oh and I can tell his son or he will tell him when he gets back. Now this isn't some wanker of a bloke, oh no - this one is one of the good ones usually. Hard working, rarely goes out, sober, kind and of course a good father yes really.

Our relationship to be fair could be better, we rarely properly talked and lead pretty individual lives - we have never discussed splitting up and never argue. No obvious signs of an affair but wouldn't be surprised.

I haven't eaten since I got the email. I have been in a haze , walking from one thing to another. I have told my son, he is beside himself particularly because of the no contact. It is killing me watching him in so much pain.

Any practical or emotional support welcomed. I can not think straight.

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

It was MNetters who told me to prepare for OW and I was in denial saying he would never do that. Sadly, he did.

[ravenmum]

He sounds a little like my "good one", who didn't actually ever tell me that he wanted to leave. Pathologically incapable of making a choice as it would have meant discarding another option; kept old junk such as glasses from years ago "just in case", and couldn't make up his mind what to order in a restaurant as it meant not having something else. It was just the same with me and the new woman he'd met; left both of us in limbo for a year, keeping her sweet by telling her sob stories about his awful life with me, shutting me up by making it all about his dead mother - until I found out about his affair. Total coward.

[Pancakeflipper]

Crikes. Poor you.
Straight to a family lawyer for you.
His reasons could be of many. Affair/monetary/mental illness etc.. At the moment your priority is you and the children. He's obviously looking after himself. You have to look after you.

Don't be afraid to tell friends. A support network will help you. Often he'll comes from unexpected quarters.

What a cowardly way to do things. So not fair. Take care. You will get through this. It's just a horrible journey.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Can't believe he left so abruptly, did he not consider how rejected DS would feel. A big part of the shock must be pain you feel on DS' s behalf.

[INeedToEat]

Thank you all so much, you are truly helping and I am now sat here in tears.

Of course an affair is possible and is most likely what gave him the balls to leave. Although in the email he denied this don't they all. I think an EA is more likely, as i say he rarely went out and has not done any of the usual hiding the phone, looking better, being late home from work etc.

Our relationship wasn't all bad. We kissed goodbye, said the 'i love you's', ate dinner together every night and went out together with friends. The love had faded though and neither of us done anything about it.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

You call him "DH" in the thread title but then say that you are not married. You mention "DCs" but then go on to talk about "his son". How many children do you have and are they are all his children or do you have others from a prior relationship.

Not being married puts you in a different and weaker position as to the financials.

Whatever happens he will need to give you 15% of his pay for his son for child-support as an absolute minimum and that's not considered when calculating any benefits you might be entitled to.

As soon as you are able I think you should perhaps concentrate on the practical aspects like the money situation to take your mind off things. It's bad enough being deserted without being unprepared and possibly facing financial penury.

[PlacidApricots]

He did it via email as he is a coward. Just concentrate on your DC and forget him, he wanted this, no contact etc, so give it him and when he tries creeping back you can tell him to get stuffed. Definately change locks though.

[ravenmum]

It's also worth doing the practical stuff at the start while you are brimming with adrenaline and anger, which gives you energy you might lack later on...

[INeedToEat]

No need for lawyers. Not married. House mine. I have a car and I work earning good money. I think he will pay support and very much be in his son's life. I must remind myself to not be a cunt about this and not let the feelings of wanting to hurt him get in the way.

I do have an older son (who is also gutted). Cunt. I was pretty much single for 10 years before i met DH so have been a single parent before and know the drill.

[ROUNDandROUNDINCIRCILESMORETHA]

So your best friend going on holiday.
he is suddenly going on holiday and turning his phone off and doing this to you. Op i would be really concerned about this if i were you.:( I am so sorry you are going through this it must be such a shock. Others have given you fab advice so far.

[INeedToEat]

Sorry for the confusion. I am not really with it.

Not a DH - was just easier to type that
We have one son together
I have one much older son from a previous relationship.

Change the locks - yes I need to do that.

I do not qualify for any benefits. Financially this is no problem. After being fucked over by my other son's father I have a savings account.

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

I am not married but I still got legal advice. You might be entitled to some of his pension, etc. I'm glad the house is yours. That's a relief.
My DP asked me not to contact him either. That's the worst bit because all you wNt to do is ask him lots of questions. I agree with previous posters that focussing on the practical stuff right now will help you focus.
Old cliche but take each day at a time. You will have a whole host of emotions from sadness, grief to extreme anger. Speak to friends.

[ravenmum]

I was able to ask questions but it wasn't exactly enlightening; he just continued with the confusing, blame-passing mind games that had served him so well before I found him out, plus a sprinking of direct lies and counter-accusations. They don't come out and say "Yes, you're right: I've done something cowardly and stupid, and I feel really bad about hurting you now you've pointed it out".

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

Raven, you are so right. I posted today about my ex who is still EA me a year down the line but reading back my post and from advice given I can see I am enabling him. My advice OP is to step right back. Only engage if necessary over practicalities.
Like Raven says, wouldn't it be good if they just admitted they had ballsed up without playing the blame game.

[EarthWindFire]

I am not married but I still got legal advice. You might be entitled to some of his pension,

Not if the OP isn't married I don't think.

[starlight1234]

I am not surprised you are in shock. I agree sort practicalities out. Is your sister supportive? Tell the people who will support you at the minute.

Other than that distraction. Sit down with sons watch a film with popcorn.

Re access: Your 11 year old may well be far to angry to see him for a while. I would support him through it.

Do what feels right, clean, shove his stuff in garage, shed, lean bedding? If none of this stuff feels right at the minute but if it does it will be quite liberating.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Have read Relationship threads before where a DH or DP walks out claiming he's been struggling for ages. Yet when he is low or sad he comes round with some pathetic excuse and tries to get sympathy from his DW. She and their DCs and old life were not enough to make him happy but as it's not his responsibility to make himself happy, he plays on her determination not to play games or deny contact by cadging meals or expecting a shoulder to cry on.

As soon as you mentioned he thinks he's having a breakdown - unheralded, hitherto unsuspected but a useful defence for any flaky behaviour - am ashamed to admit my immediate thought was let's hope he carries on feeling low while you and your sons feel better.

[Minion100]

OP almost word for words the exact same thing happened to me. Wonderful DH, wonderful marriage, wonderful Dad. I got a text message to say he had got his own place and left and he would not even speak to me.

I can understand how you feel right now. It is such a shock it feels like you have just been told he is dead. I remember it like it was yesterday.

I cannot speak for what might be going on here, but there are really two explanations.

The first is another woman.

The second is that he has been unhappy for some time and has not told you about it.

Right now, you don't know and may not know for a long time. This is the hard part.

In my case, DH had been depressed for some time, hidden it and finally exploded when he could not cope. He describes now that in his mind it was either leave and abdicate all responsibilities so he could care only for himself or suicide. It took me months to discover this (as he was in denial of being ill) and many more months after that to ever get an apology or any compassion. I was left for dead.

I DID NOT know he was depressed, so make no mistake that people can be deeply unhappy, unwell or be having affairs and even in a close marriage if they want to conceal it they can.

Please keep posting here every day to chat about what is going on. It's devastating to go through this. I can't describe the gut wrenching agony of being abandoned so cruelly by someone you love but you can and will survive it.

The shock lasts a long time in my experience. Even now more than a year onwards I feel disbelief. And only now is DH on the phone crying and regretting what he did.

People sometimes get so wrapped up in their own heads that they do things that are nonsensical. What kind of man was our DH before this? Was he a god talker if he was angry or worried? Does he have a history of cheating or deception? Start trying to unravel, as in cases like this you often have to find the answers all by yourself and it is incredibly difficult.

My DH was also a good father and absolutely devoted to me (he still is and never got another woman) but he was capable of behaving like that when he felt it suited him. People are capable of so many unexpected things when you put them in the right situation to do it!

[Primadonnagirl]

Don't accept any of this breakdown nonsense either. People who genuinely have breakdowns rarely can think so straight as to be as calculating as he has. He's just using that pathetic excuse so you will either feel sorry for him or because he genuinely believes it excuses his behaviour.use your anger to your advantage.You don't need him, but sadly your son does. Focus on getting access sorted out etc in a business like way and thank your lucky stars you have your sons, financial independence and someone else is probably taking on the wanker..you, however, are free.

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

Earthwindfire, I'm not in England so maybe the regulations are different. I know I was advised I could under law. Worth checking out though.

[WhereTheWildlingsAre]

Wow, what a spineless knob!! So, so very sorry to hear that he has done this. What a complete coward.

Real life support is so valuable, from my experience. We are always here on MN but you also need to get love around you.

[Minion100]

I'd just like to make a point that the "breakdown nonsense" is a real and very valid reason why SOME people behave this way.

All my friends and family had exactly the same view as you primadonnagirl until two months later when he was admitted to a psychiatric unit for several weeks. And now more than a year on is barely able to live a normal and functioning life.

Breakdowns CAN cause people to behave in many ways, and escape is one of them. Renting a flat does not take a great deal of where with all and in some cases people need help.

Any abnormal behavior like this and MH issues should be a consideration. you could save a life.

Although I agree other explanations are more likely, it's imprudent to discount without any more info and believe me - my DH acted PERFECTLY sane to the point no one believed me he was ill or behaving strangely. If I had not kept faith, had not supported him and repeatedly hassled him to see a doctor -he would be dead now, and of that I have no doubt.

If someone has had a genuine breakdown, it will unfold over many months if not years and they rarely come out of it the same person that went in

[INeedToEat]

Thank you so much for all posting - really it is so helpful. I am so sorry others have been through similar.

He is not much of a chatter and I have never seen him angry...and have only seen him cry once. You are right about a breakdown being an excuse. Cunt.

I have just been cleaning - it helped a little. My sister has been round twice today ...and brought me wine and my son a sandwich. Still havent eaten but have been drinking water.

I am still so shocked and do not know how I am going to get through the next days and weeks ...let alone get my son/s through it.

He has kindly given me a date he will return. It is over a week away. I do not know what to do when and if he calls or turns up. He still has his key.

[INeedToEat]

Minion. Good point and one which i will consider. The way he has acted is so out of character.

[lunar1]

What an absolute wanker, so sorry you are going through this op.