DH left me via an email

[INeedToEat]

I was on holiday with the kids (alone), the day before we were meant to leave (yesterday) I get an email from DH of 13 years saying he has packed up and left. That he has got a flat somewhere but is first going away for over a week and his phone will be turned off. WTF. Oh and I can tell his son or he will tell him when he gets back. Now this isn't some wanker of a bloke, oh no - this one is one of the good ones usually. Hard working, rarely goes out, sober, kind and of course a good father yes really.

Our relationship to be fair could be better, we rarely properly talked and lead pretty individual lives - we have never discussed splitting up and never argue. No obvious signs of an affair but wouldn't be surprised.

I haven't eaten since I got the email. I have been in a haze , walking from one thing to another. I have told my son, he is beside himself particularly because of the no contact. It is killing me watching him in so much pain.

Any practical or emotional support welcomed. I can not think straight.

[Finola1step]

Whatever you do, get the locks changed.

[INeedToEat]

I will ask my sister to get a new lock for me. Must remember to do that.

[Vivacia]

I'd have his bags packed too.

[INeedToEat]

He took all his clothes and to be honest he doesn't own much. I have packed up a few things into bin liners and shoved it in the shed. More things will be added as I find them.

[Minion100]

Ineedtoeat if you have never seen him angry this is a huge red flag. People who never get angry turn anger inwards and harbour silent resentments. They are conflict avoiders incapable of working on problems. They simply suffer them until they explode.

Regardless of breakdown or no breakdown there's an element of character in someone which plays into abandonment of this nature. Most people would have let you know they felt this way a long time ago.

In a sense, all the breakdown story does is puts a spin on it where the person would be feeling hopeless, unable to cope and negative. They might also feel compelled to be alone and push loved ones away. In their diminished mental state they sort of do not give a shit about anyone else.

It's still not an excuse IMHO, but at least somewhat of an explanation.

As someone said: coward.

It's running away from something painful, difficult, scary at the expense of someone else and this is what has happened. Whether MH issues added to that - it is still what happened. And still not okay. to you or DS.

From what you say though....my guess would be that things were no good between you, he is crap at talking or working on problems so he buried his head in the sand for as long as he could and then took a cowards way out.

Sorry...but in my case things were very diferrent. DH was under extreme pressure and had been through bereavement and many other issues in a close space of time. He was ashamed to admit he was experiencing symptoms of depression. We were also not experiencing any difficulties at all and our marriage was very happy and loving. He flipped over a space of a few weeks and once he left the symptoms of his breakdown were extremely obvious.

His face lost all expression, eyes were dead, he lost a huge amount of weight...it was unmistakable.

One thing though, if he never gets angry and if not much of a chatter there WILL be parts of him he hides from you. Is this what you want?

He won't change unless he had extensive therapy. Is that worth it for you?

[butterfliesinmytummy]

What should you do when he comes back? Leave his crap on the doorstep with your solicitors contact details on it. Be out. For a while. All strength to you.

[Vivacia]

You sound very informed about this minion

[WellWhoKnew]

Hello, another one here. Just over three months ago.

The reason he has done it is always going to be a pre-occupation for all of us, simply because it is out of character and unexpected.

But the reasons matter little - you first and foremost have to make practical arrangements to cope, get through the first awful weeks when the disbelief wears off and the horror kicks in.

My biggest regret was not telling anyone for two weeks. Like yours, my husband was a lovely man ordinarily. The sooner you tell people, the more able you are to cope with the practicalities, e.g. getting time away from the kids to just cry, or to get out and do something that's going to make you feel better, e.g. a jog or hair-do, a message: whatever works for you.

It is the kindness of strangers that will keep you going. People are amazing in how much they will help if you ask for it. Make sure you accept any help that will benefit you.

The trick is to try to keep yourself busy as much as possible - I know your head goes with you, but it still helps. The most practical advice I've had is to focus on getting myself okay, and to switch off worrying about him wherever you can. Right now, you need to look after you. He's an adult, he can find his own support mechanism.

Do not be afraid of seeing your GP and explain what's happened. A lot of women benefit from anti-depressants just to keep on an even keel, and also sleeping pills just to get through the first weeks. Don't be afraid to take a short period of time off sick if you need (and are able to) in order to spend time with your son, and deal with the first few distressing weeks.

I did see a counsellor initially but it didn't really work out for me. I'm now seeing a life coach that is helping me set targets so that I can feel that I have achieved something as I try to sell up my life as I knew it ready to move on after the divorce is over. I take things one day at a time. I come here and rant and rave rather than rant and rave at him.

The best advice I've got from Mumsnet is the 'No Contact' Rule. Clearly, you will have to make practical arrangements for his son, but no emailing emotions, no reacting to any he sends. As neutral and unemotionally involved as you can be.

As you not married, you won't need to worry about a divorce, but you will need to agree access and maintenance. You don't need to do it today, but it's something to think about longer term.

I also recommend a book called 'runaway husbands' which has a wealth of ideas for coping with the first few weeks.

I'm very sorry that you're in this position.

[bellediva]

Best friend on holiday...and he is too. Could this be possible?

[Minion100]

I lived with someone similar Vivacia.

[Minion100]

There is also the Runaway Husbands website run by the author of the book which you can join up and they have a section of worksheets to help you through it too.

[Capitola]

What a coward.

I know what my friend, who is a (slightly jaded marriage guidance counsellor) would say -

1. His type alwaysmention a mental breakdown - makes it easier
   

1. Cherchez la femme.
   

Very sorry for you and your son, OP.

[Greengrow]

1. Do you own a property in joint names?
   
2. Will your son live with you or your ex once you split up?
   

(As you are not married legally it is simpler - you each keep what you own)

[INeedToEat]

Thank you all so much for posting and keeping me sane. I haven't started drinking yet but will apologise now for any drunken rages I may post later. Thank you all for posting your experiences.

Don't think the friend is involved, although I did almost throw up at the idea.

House is in my name only. He has no claims to it.
Son will live with me. His new school is over the road. Cunt can have access - I do not know how much I will be able to manage - the idea of him leaving me to visit his dad is killing me.

Luckily, I have 3 weeks off work and can get more if needed. Already on medication for anxiety - will get it upped if needed (I am very well at the moment, just continuing to take medication as a precaution).

How do I go no contact if what I want is answers? Do i literally go no contact and never discuss this ?

Was thinking about going away for a few day when he is due back but again do not want to slip into being as much of a cunt as he has been - what do you think?

[INeedToEat]

I will look up the book - thank you.

and you are right about him being a conflict avoider Minion - fucking useless at talking. I have approached him a couple of times and told him I wasn't happy. It was like talking to a brick wall.

Will tell parents tonight as soon as i muster up the effort needed.

[Vivacia]

In my experience you don't get any answers no matter how much you try to communicate. Don't give him the satisfaction.

[Vivacia]

Was thinking about going away for a few day when he is due back but...

I think it all depends upon why you want to go away.

[INeedToEat]

We were meant to be going away together for a week - and son was looking forward to it. In the summer I always take them away alone and then we have a week away together (I have more annual leave).

Partly because I can not imagine talking to him.

[WellWhoKnew]

In my view, there are no answers that make any sense aside from cowardliness. It may be another woman, it may be just wanting a life free of having responsibility, of a yearning to live life differently.

It makes no difference.

We still get to pick up the pieces, cope, deal with everything and learn to live our lives again. It's not such an easy thing to do, but at least you can look yourself in the mirror and know how much strength and courage it takes to get through it. You learn just how brave you can be, and how capable, even when you're on your knees with the pain of it all.

My way of coping is to tell myself his decision to leave was the last decision he ever gets to make with regard to my life. From now on, I rule me. He gets nothing more from me.

Going no contact means you don't allow him to try to justify cowardless, or to blame you, or to mess with your head. You don't give him sympathy, you don't give him the emotional stuff - which may make his ego enlarge, you don't give him a single moment of your time. After all, he didn't give you any of that either, did he?

Your head needs to focus on coping, and dealing with his decision, of looking after you, your children and making sure you are all okay.

He made his decision to fuck off. So now he can fuck off.

You will heal in time. There's a ton of women knocking around MN that have walked this path before us - and they are doing mighty fine.

Oh, another book I found helpful was 'Detach and Survive' - which is very much the 'no contact' approach to dealing with this kind of breakup.

(PS I think I was suppose to beg him to come home, and I didn't - so I am now have the indignity of a very acrimonious divorce to contend with). None of it is pleasant.

[Minion100]

I agree with everything wellwhoknew says.

It's also helped me to remember that anyone who feels they can walk away should go. I would not want my future tied to someone who felt (even temporarily) like they could leave and not look back. It seems to be to be the fundamental thing you DON'T want from a partner.

She is also right that for some reason when people behave like this they do tend to want to blame you, and it will mess with your head because on the back of what's happened your self esteem and confidence goes through the floor. No one else can blame you for their own shitty behavior. It's the ultimate in cowardice.

It's true you do find your backbone in all of this and I would be willing to bet money that in his absence and in the wake of managing the mess he left your anxiety disappears for good. You do learn how brave and strong you can be and in the end it does make you feel more in control of yourself which is a good thing.

It is horribly painful, but doesn't last forever.

[Minion100]

And INeedToEat in terms of going no contact...I realise you want explanations and discussions but please accept if he was willing to give you either of those two thing he would have given them before he did this.

He has chosen to exit in a dramatic fashion precisely to avoid giving either of those things and he will probably continue to avoid giving either of those two things.

[Vivacia]

I say go then, it sounds as though the break would do both you and your son good.

[INeedToEat]

Very wise words thankyou.

And INeedToEat in terms of going no contact...I realise you want explanations and discussions but please accept if he was willing to give you either of those two thing he would have given them before he did this.

He has chosen to exit in a dramatic fashion precisely to avoid giving either of those things and he will probably continue to avoid giving either of those two things.

Particularly the above. I will continue to read them over and over.

Now drinking wine. Probably not the best idea. Cunt.

[WellWhoKnew]

INeedToEat - here's an idea to accompany your wine, give him a different name from Cunt, as someone wisely pointed out to me:

he lacks both the depth and warmth of one

[WhereTheWildlingsAre]

those are wise words WWK!

Go, if it's what is best for you and your son. That's the only thing that matters now. Look after yourself, take care of yourself.