DH left me via an email

[INeedToEat]

I was on holiday with the kids (alone), the day before we were meant to leave (yesterday) I get an email from DH of 13 years saying he has packed up and left. That he has got a flat somewhere but is first going away for over a week and his phone will be turned off. WTF. Oh and I can tell his son or he will tell him when he gets back. Now this isn't some wanker of a bloke, oh no - this one is one of the good ones usually. Hard working, rarely goes out, sober, kind and of course a good father yes really.

Our relationship to be fair could be better, we rarely properly talked and lead pretty individual lives - we have never discussed splitting up and never argue. No obvious signs of an affair but wouldn't be surprised.

I haven't eaten since I got the email. I have been in a haze , walking from one thing to another. I have told my son, he is beside himself particularly because of the no contact. It is killing me watching him in so much pain.

Any practical or emotional support welcomed. I can not think straight.

I am pissed and drinking too much. I need to stop.

I can not explain how much all of your word bring me comfort. Really. I am reading your words over and over. They are giving me strength to carry on.

Son is a mess. Spoke to him tonight about going away when his dad is due back.... he wants to go. Told him I will be changing the locks. He is OK with it. Told him I am upset and angry but to remember this is not ABOUT HIM - HIS DAD LOVES HIM. The words stick in my throat. I do not know what to say to him without messing him up.

I have not emailed coward.

It's understandable OP. But step away and get some sleep now. Even if you put a film on you can just fall asleep to. You are doing your best and doing OK. Get some rest.

Another question.. i think he would like radio silence...so should i still give it?

Silence is great. You never have to explain something you didn't say.... and usually the silence drives STBXs totally bonkers. They want attention; don't give it to him.

You're too busy moving forward in a positive way to reply to him aren't you?

He's made the decision to walk away & as such, you don't need to interact...& nope, you don't need to email him to tell him that.

Nobody likes to be ignored, it drives us up the wall, it's rude and leaves us feeling powerless. He asked for no contact, give him it.

OP he wants the right to demand radio silence. He wants to be able to ignore you when he chooses but email you when he needs to offload his guilt.

Silence will not allow him to have peace.

Really try to find something to do instead of drinking if you can. Don't know about you, but even a small drink puts my brain in overdrive so that I can't sleep and spend hours lying thinking in circles. I found it helpful to put on some loud music on my ipod and jump around or jog on the spot until knackered, or go out for a long walk during the day.

I also tried sleeping pills occasionally but realised after a while that the day after I took them, I felt really down, just thinking about death all the time. The only thing I use now is valerian, as I read an article saying that it was the only herbal remedy that has any effect at all. You have to take it for several weeks at high doses before it sets in, though.

I've set up my email programme so that if my husband sends me an email, it goes in a separate folder and is marked as "read". So I don't see it until I deliberately look in the folder to see if he has written. I feel better if I don't have to see or hear from him.

My husband refused to give me his new address, saying I could contact him via the children. He refuses to give other people his new address, so all his crummy car magazines and speeding fine letters come to me and I am supposed to save them up for him. It's all about control. He's reverted to teenager/footloose bachelor mode, it's that simple.

INeed, sympathy to you. He is such a coward. You are right, though, to tell your son that his father loves him. Keep doing so, although I can imagine how hard that it is. Whatever the immediate feelings, it is so important that, once this early period is over, your son has a relationship and contact with his father. I cannot, though, imagine how an adult can behave in such a manner.

Your son will have questions for his father. I hope he will feel able to ask them as they will indicate to "Coward" the depth of the hurt he has caused. It seems highly unlikely that answers will be forthcoming.

Earlier I felt that I wanted him to have a taste of his own medicine. After a bit of thought, I also think that more importantly it's best for you. Otherwise you're just going to be dancing to his tune. I don't know how you feel, but I think you need to take control back.

OP whilst I really understand the pain you are going through, I can also see that your EXDP has probably been deeply unhappy for a very long time.

The action he took to leave this relationship was indeed drastic but I'm wondering if your lack of communication over the years had stripped him of the power to verbalize his feelings.

You say that you own the house, have your own savings, that's all good but after 13 years together and a child it would have been more appropriate to have bought a place together or for him to be a shareholder in the property.

My guess is that he felt like a convenient lodger, and somewhat emasculated by this situation.

You both have to accept that you have a part to play in this, and put your son's needs first. Don't show him how bitter you are he has enough to deal with in his own mind.

Trouble is, you can't accuse someone else of wanting to control you, then do just the same in reverse - then you are letting them get you involved in their petty little game. There's no way to "win" here.

When I don't have to hear his voice or read his words, I just find it easier to think about other things and not obsess about what he did, said, is doing or is saying the whole bloody time. So lack of contact makes my everyday life slightly better.

A kind of crisis plan of sorts might help - jot down things you’ll do, people you’ll call when you feel low.

Exercise lots or as suggested, dance. A friend of mine said her anger went into cleaning her house from top to bottom.

Silence is golden INeed he took himself off your Most Trusted list so your thoughts or plans are now a closed book to him.

Can see it must be hard not to slander him every which way in front of DS.

It would have been "more appropriate" for the husband to have said "I'd really like my own place" if that was what he wanted. Not sure how it is the OP's fault that he was too cowardly to do that. No doubt that's the image he would like to promote, though - him as the poor henpecked husband who was too much under her thumb to be able to complain.

upupup poor him eh? I do not give a shit how long he was unhappy for. All he had to do was say or even send me his pathetic email but be here for his son. I can not forgive him for fucking off for 11 days after sending me the email. For leaving it to me to tell our son and console him.

No hen pecking going on here - a very balanced 'relationship' in that respect. I love to talk; put the world to rights, over analyze everything etc. We both earned roughly the same, money was not an issue and because of that it was something we did not have to discuss. Not that we discussed much past our day and our son. His doing. Not mine.

Slept well again thanks to my friend wine. Up at 8, body still on work hours. No email sent !

Love the idea of his emails going into a different folder but can not work out how to do it.

No massive plan for today past online shopping for sons bedroom stuff and finding some where to stay for a few days.

Upupup I don't see how it can be helpful for you to try to second guess what he was feeling when you have never actually met him. WellWhoKnew is right in that trying to work out reasons without a coherent and calm conversation with him is the road to madness. And he has denied this by his choice of dealing with it.

Great post INeedToSleep

Sorry! INeedToEat!! Doh!

On Outlook you do it by setting up a "rule".
blogs.office.com/2012/04/23/quick-rule-creation-in-outlook-2010/

OP, I was in now way condoning what he has done. What he has done to you and your son is incredibly cruel and callous.
I wasn't suggesting you partner was hen pecked in any way but he does come across as a very week man.
You say you had a very balanced relationship and that you lead pretty individual lives?
Unfortunately a lot of men go into their caves when they are having an emotional crisis, as women this is something we cannot fathom out.
I don't think this is necessarily the end of the relationship and I think it's unlikely he's having an affair.
My advice would be to not contact him for the time being, as other posters have suggested, it will not resolve anything and will only serve to fan the flames.
Stay strong OPx

INeedToEat, let us know which email client or service you use (e.g. Gmail or whatever) and we'll get it sorted out so his mails are archived. It would probably be better if they went to a friend and were deleted from your Inbox, so that you couldn't read them until your friend had vetted them for you.

Just seen this.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
You seem to be coping really well at the moment.
You sound strong and positive.
Keep silent.
Don't let him know anything about how you and your son are coping right now.
Get that trip away booked.
Keep going and look after yourself.

upupup this is most definitely the end of our relationship and he is most likely to be having an affair because that is what cowards do.

Here at home I am on googlemail.com - would be great if I didnt have to see them unless I wanted too.

Gaining great strength from you all. Thank you

Upupup I feel the need to correct you on very important matter:

"Unfortunately a lot of men go into their caves when they are having an emotional crisis"

All men have penises. That is the nature of men.

When a person abandons their life, without notice or communication leaving the spouse in sole charge of the home/the children/the bills/the employees or whoever else is affected, is relying on the other person being 'reliable, dependable and trustworthy'.

To then blame the reliable, dependable and trustworthy person who has to just cope with sorting out the mess is insulting.

Blaming a person for the nature of their anatomy is insulting to men who are reliable, dependable and trustworthy.

INeedToEat, or any other person who is in this predicament is not given the option of fucking off to a cave.

We just have to cope with it. I can only point out to you: it takes two people to make a relationship, when it breaks down it is difficult enough. There's little point in you explaining why we are in this mess.

We just need to deal with it.

And there is nothing 'just' about that.

Wish I could 'like' posts on here.

Have a look at how to create Gmail filters - do you read your mail in a browser or in an application like Outlook?