DH left me via an email

[INeedToEat]

I was on holiday with the kids (alone), the day before we were meant to leave (yesterday) I get an email from DH of 13 years saying he has packed up and left. That he has got a flat somewhere but is first going away for over a week and his phone will be turned off. WTF. Oh and I can tell his son or he will tell him when he gets back. Now this isn't some wanker of a bloke, oh no - this one is one of the good ones usually. Hard working, rarely goes out, sober, kind and of course a good father yes really.

Our relationship to be fair could be better, we rarely properly talked and lead pretty individual lives - we have never discussed splitting up and never argue. No obvious signs of an affair but wouldn't be surprised.

I haven't eaten since I got the email. I have been in a haze , walking from one thing to another. I have told my son, he is beside himself particularly because of the no contact. It is killing me watching him in so much pain.

Any practical or emotional support welcomed. I can not think straight.

[INeedToEat]

Wellwho LOL I will think about it !

[NorksAreMesssy]

CAn we help?
I have always been fond of 'Wankbadger' and 'Cockwomble' as names for ex-Hs

[kalidasa]

I suspect 'having a breakdown' is code for 'having an affair'. People actually having breakdowns don't usually have such insight about what's going on. In any case, in the unlikely event that he is seriously mentally ill, I think that will become obvious pretty quickly. Which is to say - don't worry for a moment about him, OP, just about yourself and your children. Do tell people. It's a tough time of year I know because a lot of people are away.

You must be desperate for answers but I think the pp was spot on - he has already decided not to give them to you.

For food - try small comforting snacky things with plenty of energy - humous, guacamole, boiled eggs, cheese on toast, sweet tea, hot milky drinks etc. Are you back from holiday now? Could you do a big internet shop of comforting things for you and the children and have them all delivered?

You sound really strong and as if you are in as good a situation as possible in terms of the practicalities (property, income etc). But what a shock.

[Greengrow]

The house is in your name and you aren't married so he should have no claims there unless he contributed to the mortgage. That will make it a lot simpler. If your child lives with you then the father will probably have to pay something like 10% of his net pay for the child in maintenance but none for you and you don't have to pay him any as the two of you are not married.

Make sure if you have a will leaving money to him or life insurance in trust for him that you get that changed as soon as possible so he does not benefit.

Keep taking your medication as usual.
Change the locks on your property.

[WellWhoKnew]

GonadlessGoner...

No-hell Coward

RunandFuck!

make for good usernames, but struggling to come up with a Twunt, Chunt, cocklodger equivalent.

[VeryMerryBerry]

I hope your son is feeling a little better. He needs you to help him feel secure before his move to his new school. Sorry this is happening to you both.

[INeedToEat]

Coward is a good name. I shall refer to him as that from now on.

So i told my mum. Unfortunately she is a physiotherapist and does my head in (i am a social worker and we have differing views) but at least that hurdle is over with.

I called a few friends who have been amazing. Going to come round over next few days. Will tell others over coming days ... i am lucky that i have good friends, although few will really understand.

Son was crying his eyes out tonight. Spent 2 hours with him as he fell asleep. Gutted for him. He can not find the words and thinks his dad hates him which is not true.

I have not allowed myself to feel much. I know I must be cold towards him. Reveal nothing and so forth. I am strong.

[INeedToEat]

Come on good people. spill here or loose the plot

[WellWhoKnew]

Ah, sorry! We should have forewarned you about the mother component.

They add to the stress - but don't get hung up about it!

Mine told me "but this is causing ME so much anxiety"

I recall saying: Yeah, really? Imagine being the wife in this situation.

And she said 'Yes, I do understand, but I'm too old to deal with this'.

Since my hell began, I finally lost it. Ordinarily I deal with "this" by myself if you know what I mean - where I scream and shout, and hit walls, and dislocate my own toe all in total solitude.

I'll admit I totally lost it when she started on about her feelings. I am not proud of it, but I do recall saying:

This hell is my life - this story is my life right now. If it's causing you anxiety, the simple solution is that we stop talking about it. Don't call me anymore. I'll call you when it's all dealt with. Problem solved.

I get daily texts requesting an update so she can deal with 'her anxiety'. If I don't text - I get endless phone calls asking why I don't text.

My husband hates me, I'm having a helluva divorce, and I am supposed to manage my mother's anxiety on top of it.

Reality is: That he is a cunt. The mother is nuts. The children hurt. And you just KOKO (Keep on keeping on).

Being strong also means you can allow yourself to cry, and hurt, and be angry. But the mother component has to be dealt with the same as the husband component:

A firm: You deal with your issues, and I'll focus on mine.

And then you'll be doing mighty fine.

Being strong is necessary, although I hated everyone telling me how 'strong' I was, when a) my toe fucking hurt and b) my snot was dribbling left, right and centre. You don't need to be 'strong'. You do need to be 'self-determining'.

And it seems to me you've figured that much out already. KOKO.

[gg1234]

hi dear ,

Please google this website :
www.gingerbread.org.uk/ : for being single parent .
www.onespace.org.uk/

www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-separation-and-divorce: they provide relationship counselling .

Sorry for what happened to you and your DH is just a coward ...

[Mucheasiernow]

Stay strong.
Another victim here.
My not so DH of 10 years (13 together) planned his departure for a year so he could move countries and not split finances 50 / 50.
He maintained the semblance of a normal relationship and even was intimate 2 days before leaving, once he had been resident in new country for a full year.
He then "sold" our children to me so he got to keep even more financially.
A year on I still have bad days but much better and have a lot to be glad about.
At least you had the sense to be independent financially.
Retraining is so hard as a single parent.

[sailorsgal]

Hope you managed to get some rest.

[INeedToEat]

Didnt think I was up so late! Slept well and even managed to have a slice of my older son's left over pizza.

Mum is a psychotherapist not at physiotherapist - doh ! She does my head in but I love her and she is being supportive. Friends did their best but did not know what to say. Me either so we are in the same boat.

Thanks for messages and support. Means so much to me.

[sailorsgal]

What are you doing today? do something nice. Maybe a movie or cook your son's favourite meal maybe. .

[starlight1234]

Read through the rest of this thread this am

I do not know what to do when and if he calls or turns up. He still has his key.

Change the locks. Go away for a few days sounds like a good idea. Do it on your terms not his. If it is in your name he has no legal rights of entry.

Glad you ate a little.

Hope you can do something a little distracting today x

[Stupidhead]

handholding

Change his name in your phone to cowardly fucktard and set an obscene farty ringtone just for him. My ex didn't leave me (was EA) but hearing farts when he texted didn't make me feel sick to my stomach ;)

And are you sure you won't get child tax credits? Single mum working with a child? Look into it.

Put all his shit in the shed and redecorate x

[INeedToEat]

Feeling kinda panicky. Need to stop thinking about this all the time. Son is awake, bless him. He is watching a film trying to keep his mind off things. I cant have a panic attack.

[Vivacia]

I was thinking similar - some form of physical exercise.

[sailorsgal]

Google abdominal breathing and lengthen your exhalation. This will switch off the fight or flight. Repeat positive affirmations.

[inlectorecumbit]

you can do this-keep repeating this to yourself. you are strong.

remember the teabag quote "A woman is like a tea bag - you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

try doing something with DS today keep you both occupied

[INeedToEat]

Cant go for a run. Dont want to leave son alone and older son is at work. Might do some more cleaning. House hasn't looked as good for years. I have just finished a degree and left the main cleaning to my older son for the last 3 years - bad mistake!

I want my mind to make up its mind on what it is feeling.

[HanselandGretel]

Sorry this has happened to you OP. It's natural to feel panicky after a shock like this, worse that he's categorically stonewalled you by leaving in such a manner and being an utter coward, switching his phone off, indeed, what a passive aggressive stunt to pull.

As others have said, a trip to the GP to maybe get a little something to take the edge off would help you through.

As for the 'breakdown' thing, I'm cynical about that term in regards to breaking up with someone as I've had someone cite 'stress', 'I feel my life is over', 'I can't have a relationship right now' and when I offered to support him through all of it was turned on and basically he became Mr Nasty, being a shit, would only speak through text and totally fucked with my head for months...turns out he was looking elsewhere for 'support' i.e. online and eventually got back with an ex from before we met who I now suspect he was in contact with for the latter half of out relationship - so you can see why I'm cynical of the breakdown card!

Rise up against this OP, keep yourself going the best you can and get support around you and try and think as a single person now, line your options up and cut him no slack.

[lilaloves]

So sorry to hear you are going through this,sadly I totally empathise,Dh went to work last month and just didn't come back,text me to say he was confused,upset but had sorted out a flat for him to stay in and wouldn't be back!

We have three dc and I've been trying to keep it together for their sake,not easy,I haven't told them yet,the youngest is 4!Cant bear to shatter their world yet.

Also this seems to be a common problem,and when they leave they seem to go through same pattern.Leaving comes out of nowhere,they totally cut themselves off,they more on very quickly,almost as if they haved been planning for a while,seem cold/callous/distant,cant seem to understand pain they have caused.

A really good book to read is Runaway Husbands you can don't load from amazon,highly recommend,describes my situation to a T.

Still trying to get my head round how my caring,supportive,loving husband could do this to our family,he feels like a total stranger now.