DH left me via an email

[INeedToEat]

I was on holiday with the kids (alone), the day before we were meant to leave (yesterday) I get an email from DH of 13 years saying he has packed up and left. That he has got a flat somewhere but is first going away for over a week and his phone will be turned off. WTF. Oh and I can tell his son or he will tell him when he gets back. Now this isn't some wanker of a bloke, oh no - this one is one of the good ones usually. Hard working, rarely goes out, sober, kind and of course a good father yes really.

Our relationship to be fair could be better, we rarely properly talked and lead pretty individual lives - we have never discussed splitting up and never argue. No obvious signs of an affair but wouldn't be surprised.

I haven't eaten since I got the email. I have been in a haze , walking from one thing to another. I have told my son, he is beside himself particularly because of the no contact. It is killing me watching him in so much pain.

Any practical or emotional support welcomed. I can not think straight.

[CrabbyTheCrabster]

Great news, and congratulations on the weight loss and dating!

[Adarajames]

Great to hear that things improving :) x

[INeedToEat]

Hey

I have been following your thread as always :)

Things really have settled down... and I have been on several dates .. one of which is looking promising ...

Take care too x

[WellWhoKnew]

Wow! What a lovely thing to read and congrats on the weight-loss!

I too am exhibiting a shiny new bottom size thanks to the on-going shenanigans of divorce. Apparently my bottom now arrives in the room shortly after I do.

The other arse in my life...remains at large, and remains large.

But so glad to read things are settled down for you and you're doing so well.

Take care.

[INeedToEat]

Thought I would pop back on for a little update...

Son stayed with his dad fri and last night (first o/n stay) .. seems they had a great time. Son seems so much happier now and I think their relationship is on the mend.

I did end up talking to coward on the phone last week, I let him do the talking at first.. same crap that was in his emails really. We now text about contact.. I sent him a picture of the calendar with his contact on for the next 2 months (alternative weekends and Wed nights for 2 hours for the most part).

Me ?? I am doing fabulously... and have lost two stone :)

[tribpot]

Really glad your ds has been able to meet with his dad.

And well done you for telling him you didn't want to meet. There is nothing to say - it's time to move on.

[Adarajames]

Hello again op, good to hear from you, been wondering how you are. Glad your son is feeling a bit better about seeing his father, and well done you for telling him you'd nothing to talk to him about, you really are doing well, even when you have moments you don't feel like you've done the right thing

[WellWhoKnew]

Hey - good to hear from you again. I'm sure that his first meeting would have been very difficult, after all it was all so unnecessary in the first place, the way he did it. That you're reacting to it, and having a bit of a 'moment' is just accepting for yourself just how 'tough' and resilient you've been forced to be in order to be the best mum you can be to your son.

You're allowed 'slippage' - you're human after all!

I think it's perfectly okay to be bloody angry, by the way. What he did was unforgivable - even if, as you acknowledge, the relationship had mostly gone.

At some point you might decide you want answers but I suspect his offer to talk, is more about him assuaging his guilt rather than dealing with your anger.

[Joysmum]

So glad to hear your DS's relationship is getting back on track with his dad. Hopefully he'll be happier because if it.

I hope you're beginning to heal a little too and find your way forwards. Best wishes as always

[INeedToEat]

We are both ok thank you. Son has been out with dad twice now for dinner and is due to go out with him again tonight. Hopefully he will be having his first over night stay on the 18 Oct. I am well.. told coward that i did not have anything to talk about so we did not meet.

[Losingmyreligion]

How are you and DS OP?

[CrabbyTheCrabster]

Do you want to meet him to talk, INeed? If so, what about? If you decide you do, I'd certainly make him wait a bit - if you agree to that now it'd look as though you've been waiting to meet and talk things through and now at last he's deigned to agree. You've been getting on with your life and repairing the damage caused by his selfish and cowardly behaviour, not waiting around for some heart to heart with him! I also agree that it could end up being him venting all his pain and regret and getting everything off his chest to you. You don't need to deal with his feelings and emotions any more - he scotched that completely by the way he behaved. I'm all for keeping things civil, cordial even, but if I were you I'd keep bags of emotional distance between you, and keep communications relatively formal; emails, maybe phone calls. Only meet him if you feel ready and want to, and if that's the case, be fully aware of your own reasons for doing so (not just because he wants to, or that you want to vent at him).

Just remember how amazingly well you've handled this, and with such dignity.

[Adarajames]

I'd say don't meet him, he most likely just wants to off load into you so he can feel better but will just make you feel worse and blame everything on you in the process! Keep any contact any email / txt and re son and get on with your life as you want without any regard to him as he lost all right to have even a moment of your time, energy or consideration!

[upthedamnwotsit]

I would question whether he wanted to meet for a productive discussion or (in my opinion the more likely scenario) wanted an opportunity to express his guilt and vent until he felt better after unloading his excuses.

I realise I sound like a cynic, but it wouldn't be surprising if this meeting would serve as an exercise in redeeming himself by pointing out all the reasons that it was a great idea for him to just up and leave without any attempt at communication.

[Quitelikely]

Why does he want to meet though? I thought everything had been said already?

[INeedToEat]

I am trying !! Don't know if I should meet him or not...

[Bigoldsupermoon]

Adara is right - you are strong. Being strong doesn't mean being unfeeling; it means feeling the pain and sticking to your guns anyway. You've done amazingly. xx

[Adarajames]

Well done! You ARE strong, even if you don't feel it right now, if you look back over this thread you'll see how far you've come and done so well and with such dignity. Be gentle on yourself x

[INeedToEat]

Oh I didn't ask him to talk !! Just incase you thought I was slipping !

[INeedToEat]

Thanks Supermoon..

I do not feel that I have much strength right now. He has text me this afternoon saying he is willing to meet up to talk. Thanks for that !!

[Bigoldsupermoon]

Been following this thread quietly since it all kicked off, OP, and just want to tell you how brilliant it is to see how far you've come with such a shitty situation. Really amazed at your strength, courage and determination to put your son first - just hope life continues to improve for you, and that you and mini-Ineedtoeat get the happiness you deserve x

[INeedToEat]

Son saw his dad last night for the first time. I am struggling a bit today.

I have had to deal with what he did, encourage his son to have some form of contact for the last two months (like the good mum) and I am angry, really angry.

For the record, no OW has popped up yet. This I would feel better if one had. Least leaving me like this for someone else would have been easier to understand.

[Adarajames]

Glad to hear you're doing so well

[ravenmum]

Glad to hear that things are calming down a bit for your son. I hope he can find a new normal soon.